Best way to dump the Narcissist?

Best way to dump the Narcissist?
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It seems that the N's can't say goodbye to us, or if they do the d&d a certain percentage of them resurface weeks, months or even years later. When I dumped mine I just silently disappeared and went NC, but he keeps trying to get back in my life--months later.

What is your collective opinions on this. Is it better just to silently vanish or should I have either written a detailed letter explaining why I don't want anything to do with him anymore with a big GOODBYE on it, or a phone call trying to explain?

I didn't think he would hear anything I had to say, or turn it around and just turn all the negative things I said into more supply, making him think I gave a damn. Somehow I thought the disappearing act would be the best revenge. What do you think?

calamity-g's picture

Best way to dump the narcissist

Hi,
I don't know exactly what I did but the N I knew, he wants nothing to do with me. He said I "put him off." My sister called him and told him we didn't want any crazy people in our family, not that we don't have some, but none like him! This hurt his ego and he retaliated with more hurt but he finally stopped.
I think I had too many chances to tell him every single thing I was disgusted by. It was hard and I wouldn't recommend doing what I did -- listening to his BS but I sure told him what I thought of him. Once he spent an hour telling me all about how pitiful he was. I called him right back and told him I didn't believe one word he had said. "I just poured my heart out to you," he said. What heart! It was all a lie and I told him. He did not like that at all.
He finally offered to help me commit suicide when I was depressed. I did not ask for this help, did not want to die, so I really don't expect to hear from him again.
Plus, I made an offical complaint since he was also my insurance agent and I doubt if he enjoyed knowing that many people in his corporation know my story, and I gave 'em all the goodies.
He was merely put on notice but I bet he won't be harrassing other clients, not if he wants to keep his job.
Anyway-- NC is the very best. Block his calls, emails and texts. Tell him you found another love. I'd tell him anything to get rid of him.
They are poison!

~~~~~~~~
My Blog

Carolyn's picture

Vanishing is the best of the

Vanishing is the best of the choices. They take any contact as control and then the gaming begins. Out of sight out of mind is always good with narcissists.

the more distance you put between yourself and himeself the better it is for you.

Marie's picture

Baddream

As you can see by some recent posts it never ever seems to have an end. Here we are 1 yr 3 months later I unblocked my email to have the dog and tiger thing sent to me. I know for a fact he's with some other woman though the few times I've had the misfortune of running into him, he acts at times as if we still have something going on. Other times he'll avoid or ignore me. I know this is crazymaking on his part because the majority of the time he has little or no contact with me any longer.

I did confront him once and did tell him quite plainly to leave me alone. He said I was overwrought and tried to make it seem that we just needed a break from one another. So I told him again no I wasn't looking for just a break for now; I meant for good, forever... I didn't want ANY contact, didn't want to be friends. He became all sulky and I didn't hear from him for a long time but the silence never lasted. It could go a month or months but he always creeps back. It's a waste trying to talk to them. All they do is twist and turn until sometimes the whole conversation no longer makes sense. One comment sticks clearly in my head was that he said he always keeps in touch with his ex's. Oh joy!

Has anyone on here broken off with their N and never heard from them again? I hate to wish someone dead but that seems like the only way to get them totally out of your life.

baddream's picture

Marie

Your story sounds very similar to mine. N told me "he has tried to forget me and let me go on with my life, but it is impossible and he can never say good bye to me"

During past cycles I believed him and kept going back to him. Things were wonderful for a week or so and then either he or I would need to go (long distance relationship) and within a day or 2 he would be back to his gf and giving me the silent treatment-- he would completely cut me off, despite plans we would have made to have a future together. One day we would be talking about one of us relocating, moving in together, the next moment he would be completely gone.

Eventually I found this site which has been so helpful to me and I've been NC, but after a few months he started to try to worm his way back again, despite my silence. He has contacted friends, my son, sent packages, sent letters saying he was ill and in the hospital with various ailments, using friends to get sympathy and to pass messages on to me designed to make me feel guilty, etc etc.

I don't think there is ever good bye with an N.

itreallyisabouthim's picture

I never got anywhere in

I never got anywhere in explaining things to my N. He claimed to not understand, and he quickly forgot. I explained over and over and over why I was going to leave, but when I actually did he told people I left for no reason and he had no idea what he had done.

empty68's picture

I wish...

As much as I wish he would have even the slightest remorse if I poured my heart out to him, in reality, I know it's futile....sure, he loves me and "deeply" misses me because I'm not there to cater to his needs....

MsVulcan500's picture

You're wasting your time if

You're wasting your time if you try to explain why you are leaving. He won't get it anyway. It's not like he's going to have some sort of epiphany because of your words and realize what an ass he is and really change. Just go to the nearest brick wall and tell it all you wanted to say to the N. It will listen at least as well as he would have without throwing any BS back at you.

baddream's picture

That is so true

You are right. That is why I just walked away, but have felt so much pent up anger inside me ever since. I wanted him to know what he did, but of course that is impossible. They can never "know" because they are inhuman and incapable of empathy.

I have written a letter to him that I never sent, just to get all the injustices out and onto paper. It is a very good letter that explains exactly what he did to me and tells what he is when the mask came off.

I never mailed the letter because it showed how much I cared for him, and how he duped me. I would rather him think I don't give a damn.

He wouldn't have understood anything in the letter anyway except for the word "goodbye", and even that he would just interpret as a loss of supply until he decided to try to turn it on again

it is hopeless

Monica's picture

I just walked away, too, baddream...

For all the reasons you gave in your post. I wanted to tell him the same things you did but I knew that it wouldn't matter at all to him, he wouldn't understand and wouldn't care in the least. I also didn't want him to know how much I cared for him and how he duped me. By saying none of those things to him the message I am sending him is that I am just fine without him, don't need him, don't want him, no longer care about him. THAT is what I want him to think and believe (which actually is the truth at this point!).

I understand and can relate to the pent up anger inside you. I have it, too, big time. But I also know that there is nothing I can do about it except remind myself how much better off and happier I am without the loser, count my blessings, find things to keep me busy and make me smile and laugh, and move on - quickly and decisively - without him. And try to forgive myself for not dumping him sooner, when I first saw the red flags, which was very early on in our relationship. That will probably be my biggest challenge of all.

Barbara's picture

buh bye

disappear and BLOCK him. Change your number, return all mail "DELIVERY REFUSED RETURN TO SENDER", Block IMs, emails, everything. And do not respond.

Just GO. Act as if they were NOTHING to you and GET OUT!

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The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you
off.
- Gloria Steinem