MsVulcan500's Story

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 22 - 8PM
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

MsVulcan500's Story

I have been reading here for almost 3 months but haven’t posted anything yet. I dated someone I believe to be an N for over 5 years. I am still trying to not beat myself up over letting him get away with treating me like crap for so long. I saw many red flags but I chose to ignore them. His 3 marriages didn’t total in years to my one marriage. He was always secretive, and to me secrets are one step removed from lies.

He was especially secretive about me. His best friend who lives in another city didn’t know I existed for almost 2 years until we all went to another city together to see a concert. Once we ran into some friends of his at a festival and they thought we were on a first date. We had been dating for almost 3 years. They had no idea about me. Funny, I’m still friends with them and he really is not. I always had a gut feeling he was keeping one foot out the door just in case something better came along. He told me one time (very deliberately) that his mom was worried about him not having anyone in his life, and instead of telling her about me he told her he was happy with his life and he enjoys being single. When I asked why he didn’t just tell her about me, he said that she would want him to marry me. I told him he could just tell her we’re not at that point yet. After he told me that I actually went and spent the night with him.

Another time I am ashamed of was when he locked his keys inside his running car at 2 am on New Years. I was at a New Years party and I left the party because he wanted me to go pick up his son at a party, take him home, get the spare key and bring it to him. When I arrived, he didn’t say a word, just held out his hand for the key like I had done this. He was mad that I took so long, but he didn’t realize that I was running his kid all over and saving his butt. Again, I went home with him.

There were many instances of D&D, usually for 2-3 weeks at a time, but there were 2 that lasted for a couple of months. Then he would be back with no explanation and I was afraid to ask in fear of upsetting him. The last time was in August. He ignored me because I refused to drive 17 miles to his house to then take him out to breakfast. He needed to rush off to an afternoon gig (he’s a musician) so I told him we should just skip it. He said, “Fine, just stay in .” After a week of him ignoring me I decided that this was it. This was a pattern that I was not going to live with anymore.

After 3 weeks he texted me and said “we need 2 talk when can you meet” I texted back “How about lunch today” because I was ready. We went to lunch and he told me he was moving on, he wanted to concentrate on his music and he couldn’t do that with me around. I guess he felt he was putting soooo much into the relationship. He wants to tour, get recorded, etc. and he needs to put all of his effort into that. He cried pretty much throughout the lunch, and I just let him talk and cry. I am so proud that while he talked I looked at him as if he was reading me his grocery list. I showed no emotion whatsoever. He took me back to work, and I told him, “I hope you get everything you want.” He said, “I probably won’t, I never do.” I just shut the car door and walked away.

I knew he would not give up something for nothing, so I figured he had someone else. I didn’t really care, except that I feel sorry for her. I’m sure she’s a nice person and doesn’t deserve him. A couple of weeks later a friend accidentally posted some pictures of an event on her Facebook wall and there were pictures of him with this woman. A couple of weeks after that, my son (who is still friends with his son) told me his son told him that he was dating a weird woman with an even weirder son. His son and I had a really good relationship, we got along great. We even spent quite a bit of time alone without his father. I told my son I want to hear nothing about N, and I don’t want him telling his son anything about me except that I’m fine. So I shouldn't hear anything else.

What makes me the maddest, except for the fact that he beat me to breaking up, was the fact that I let him treat me so badly. I put up with it for so long and I know I was not a good role model to my kids during this time. I want them to know a waht a good, healthy, loving relationship looks like.

But right now I am over 2 months NC and am doing pretty good, considering. His birthday has passed and it cost me $0, and Christmas for him and his family will cost me $0. I am donating some of that to the Food Bank and spending a little more on each of my kids. I have been reading here almost faithfully, and if I feel particularly weak I come to this board. I think we can all help each other and move on to greener pastures. I’m ready, how about you?

Dec 19 - 11AM
micala
micala's picture

Hi I too have a son that is

Hi I too have a son that is very close with my ex n son. It is not that easy to go n/c because they go out often and tell each of us different stories. I tried for the kids sake to maintain a friendship but after realizing the depth of the mind games going on and seeing how he just did not care about our 13 year friendship/relationship I jut recently n/c however I miss him terribly. He apparently built a "friendship" behind my back with a woman at work because she was supplying him with what he needed so when he was done with me he just automatically jumped to her as if I never exsisted. That is the hardest part of all of this having to come to terms with the fact that I did not matter to him. There is still a part of me that hopes he will realize that he threw away a damn good friend and will change his ways but I now know that as much as I want this, it will never be.

micala

Dec 20 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Realizing you never meant

Realizing you never meant anything to the N is the hardest, but also the most healing part of this. We all want to know we meant something to someone who meant so much to us. We worked so hard to make the relationship work when they worked just enough to keep us there. We gave so much of ourselves when they gave only the minimum. But this also keeps me angry with him (not crazy angry, but just angry) so I don't miss him. When I think about him I am usually having fantasy conversations with him of what I would say if I were to accidentally run into him somewhere. And they are not nice! LOL Fortunately our sons are not that close. They are 19 and live about 20 miles from each other. They get along, which was nice because we did a lot of things together as a "family". My son did go to his son's birthday party last month but didn't stay long. I think he is finding that son is turning into his father, and everything is about him. It's really too bad, but he has gotten everything he wanted all his life and he is going to keep demanding it. I see N Junior developing. I don't know how far you are into this process, but I have been out about 3-1/2 months and only contact was at beginning with the Facebook thing and he sent me an email at Thanksgiving. I deleted it and didn't reply. I am feeling much better, still think about him quite a bit, but usually it's my fantasy conversations that take over. I know he would not be happy to know that I don't miss him, I don't miss all the stress and drama. But I did miss going out all the time and just not being home, but I'm finding home is a very quiet, peaceful place and I am liking it more and more.
Nov 23 - 4PM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Hi MsVulcan500

Hi MsVulcan500, Glad you finally posted, you have been a quiet partner on this site then. I am hooked on this site.........in fact if it ever leaves me i'll be devastated lol. I have to look on here everyday at the moment to stay strong. It sounds to me like you left with dignity. Unlike me i was breaking down with the shock of it all. I didn't see any warnings cos i thought it was all stuff he would 'grow out of' after his bad alcoholic relationship. I assumed he was like me and wanted to grow and change after his experience with his ex. I never knew that he was just being what i wanted him to be. He was just pretending all along. What a shocker the realisation is hey. We are forever changed after this relationship and it's for the best. I am about 12 weeks no contact now and i am getting stronger although i do find it hard to tell. My sons probably notice it more. I look forward to more input from you, keep us informed.
Nov 23 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

WooHoo, Ellen!!!

12 weeks???!! That's great! Keep up the great job and detox your body of ALL OF THAT SHIT!!! (OK, so I've drank one too many Budlites, but still...good job on detoxing!) Wouldn't it be great if we could actually lose weight after we got rid of our Narc losers?! I know I could stand to lose a few pounds!!! (lol!)
Nov 24 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Thanks Nanc

Hi Nanc, Thanks.............i have to check now, i think its around that. The last planned time i saw him was Aug 30th although i sent an email on Sept 18th to say not to contact me. He did turn up once at the nursery at the begining of Oct. I really don't know when to take it from really. Was the latter contact cos i didn't plan that but it happened anyway. I like to take it from Aug 30th cos thats the last day i made effort to see him, that was for him and his family to see T for a few hours. I do like to keep track of it,it makes me feel proud. Do you have no contact how long is it cos i know you have a little girl too.
Nov 23 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Hi Ellen, Yes, I have been

Hi Ellen, Yes, I have been reading your and everyone's comments for quite a while. Sometimes I feel that my XN isn't really a N, but just an incredibly selfish a-hole. There are some ways he fits, but quite a few where he doesn't. For instance, he didn't tell me how he needed me, he only told me he loved me when he was drunk, and I would just tell him that he always loves me when he's drunk. BTW, he's not drunk very often. He never complimented me, he only worried about how he looked. He always made me feel "almost good enough" But he fits enough of the traits that I think there is something there. I just know that I get strength and comfort here. Speaking of sons, I told my son the other night that I had been thinking about N a lot, that he's out having fun while I'm . . . and he interrupted with "Lucky?" Kids perceive so much!
Nov 24 - 4AM (Reply to #3)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

MsVulcan

Hi MsVulcan, That is so funny.......your sons comment. That is just like my son, i owe him a lot for his sanity, but i must also remind myself that i taught him that.....to listen to his gut feeling follow his instinct. My EXN also doesn't fit in many ways. I always felt good enough with him and very loved and beautiful. I think this may be cos it was in the first two years. He did D&d every two months or so for a couple of days and i think it was getting to me but it was not acknowledged. I dismissed it. I was behaving how my mum and dad did in their relationship. He wasn't seemingly selfish and was always concerned about my needs emotional and otherwise. However, looking at it he was being selfish cos he needed my supply so was always there for me parasiting no doubt. He did what he wanted though and disguised it as being a good kind person. He did ambient/stealth abuse which made me feel so inadequate. He was always interested in my emotional well being.............maybe he needed to get ammunition and info on how to go about the best effect with the final d&d.............he did it brilliantly too so his work paid off. One more power trip to get his mother back for any pain she caused him and All women will PAY!