I have been reading here for almost 3 months but havenâ€™t posted anything yet. I dated someone I believe to be an N for over 5 years. I am still trying to not beat myself up over letting him get away with treating me like crap for so long. I saw many red flags but I chose to ignore them. His 3 marriages didnâ€™t total in years to my one marriage. He was always secretive, and to me secrets are one step removed from lies.
He was especially secretive about me. His best friend who lives in another city didnâ€™t know I existed for almost 2 years until we all went to another city together to see a concert. Once we ran into some friends of his at a festival and they thought we were on a first date. We had been dating for almost 3 years. They had no idea about me. Funny, Iâ€™m still friends with them and he really is not. I always had a gut feeling he was keeping one foot out the door just in case something better came along. He told me one time (very deliberately) that his mom was worried about him not having anyone in his life, and instead of telling her about me he told her he was happy with his life and he enjoys being single. When I asked why he didnâ€™t just tell her about me, he said that she would want him to marry me. I told him he could just tell her weâ€™re not at that point yet. After he told me that I actually went and spent the night with him.
Another time I am ashamed of was when he locked his keys inside his running car at 2 am on New Years. I was at a New Years party and I left the party because he wanted me to go pick up his son at a party, take him home, get the spare key and bring it to him. When I arrived, he didnâ€™t say a word, just held out his hand for the key like I had done this. He was mad that I took so long, but he didnâ€™t realize that I was running his kid all over and saving his butt. Again, I went home with him.
There were many instances of D&D, usually for 2-3 weeks at a time, but there were 2 that lasted for a couple of months. Then he would be back with no explanation and I was afraid to ask in fear of upsetting him. The last time was in August. He ignored me because I refused to drive 17 miles to his house to then take him out to breakfast. He needed to rush off to an afternoon gig (heâ€™s a musician) so I told him we should just skip it. He said, â€œFine, just stay in .â€ After a week of him ignoring me I decided that this was it. This was a pattern that I was not going to live with anymore.
After 3 weeks he texted me and said â€œwe need 2 talk when can you meetâ€ I texted back â€œHow about lunch todayâ€ because I was ready. We went to lunch and he told me he was moving on, he wanted to concentrate on his music and he couldnâ€™t do that with me around. I guess he felt he was putting soooo much into the relationship. He wants to tour, get recorded, etc. and he needs to put all of his effort into that. He cried pretty much throughout the lunch, and I just let him talk and cry. I am so proud that while he talked I looked at him as if he was reading me his grocery list. I showed no emotion whatsoever. He took me back to work, and I told him, â€œI hope you get everything you want.â€ He said, â€œI probably wonâ€™t, I never do.â€ I just shut the car door and walked away.
I knew he would not give up something for nothing, so I figured he had someone else. I didnâ€™t really care, except that I feel sorry for her. Iâ€™m sure sheâ€™s a nice person and doesnâ€™t deserve him. A couple of weeks later a friend accidentally posted some pictures of an event on her Facebook wall and there were pictures of him with this woman. A couple of weeks after that, my son (who is still friends with his son) told me his son told him that he was dating a weird woman with an even weirder son. His son and I had a really good relationship, we got along great. We even spent quite a bit of time alone without his father. I told my son I want to hear nothing about N, and I donâ€™t want him telling his son anything about me except that Iâ€™m fine. So I shouldn't hear anything else.
What makes me the maddest, except for the fact that he beat me to breaking up, was the fact that I let him treat me so badly. I put up with it for so long and I know I was not a good role model to my kids during this time. I want them to know a waht a good, healthy, loving relationship looks like.
But right now I am over 2 months NC and am doing pretty good, considering. His birthday has passed and it cost me $0, and Christmas for him and his family will cost me $0. I am donating some of that to the Food Bank and spending a little more on each of my kids. I have been reading here almost faithfully, and if I feel particularly weak I come to this board. I think we can all help each other and move on to greener pastures. Iâ€™m ready, how about you?