Stives23 Story

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#1 Nov 14 - 1PM
stives23
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Stives23 Story

I am only 21, and the narcissist I have been dealing with is only 21 also. My story began a year ago when I met him through a mutual friend. I'll call the N "Josh". I was instantly connected to Josh for some reason upon meeting him. But at the time I was in a relationship with my boyfriend of four years. Josh and I seemed to have a lot in common and we became close friends. But over time he would tell me about the girls he was dating. I should have seen the warning signs then. We actually stopped being friends for a little while because I could not respect someone who would treat women the way he did. It was all about him with the girls. One he used because she was his "safety net", she was always there to take him back, but when she finally met someone else, he was upset. He joined a fraternity at his school. You would think most people joining a fraternity would join it for the brotherhood, but no, not him. He joined it "just to meet people to party with". And when he met those people to party with, guess what he did, he dropped out of the fraternity. What a surprise. Anyways, I think he pursued me because of the thrill of the "chase". He couldn't have me because I was in a relationship, and not getting what he wanted bothered him. (Like it would do to a 5 year old) Anyways as the months went on he became more persistent. We didn't see each other often, but talked frequently. Keep in mind that the 21 year old, attractive, great personality type guy had never had what he called a "substantial" relationship. Another warning sign I overlooked. Anyways, he would tell me, "I could see myself falling for you hard", and "You're the type of girl I can see myself with down the line". So eventually after his wonderful promises I cooled things off with my boyfriend of 4 + years. I started dating Josh immediately. Now looking back I should have known about the warning signs. Before we "hooked up" he would always talk about me being his girlfriend, but then when we actually did, he wouldn't talk about being in a relationship. Things for the most part were going fine. My heart was still somewhat with my ex boyfriend, so I wasn't really putting my all with Josh, and I think he saw that, which angered him that he wasn't the "only guy in my life". During our brief two month "relationship" I thought we had a great connection and I thought things were going good. But then all of a sudden he started being distant, not answering my calls, and acting cold. I finally confronted him and ta da! He told me he was seeing someone else. I was crushed. He didn't even have enough decency in his soul to tell me, the girl he had been sleeping with for the past two months that he had moved on. When I told him how much it hurt me he said, "this is what grown up relationships are like", and would tell me to grow up. I was just so hurt, that I let someone in to my heart, body and soul, and in return he didn't even think I was worthy enough to tell me he had been seeing someone else. He said it was because "I was still in love with my ex" That was a bunch of crap. Anyways, I was so hurt by this, but his mind games convinced me partially that I was being a baby. For the next two months I cried on a daily basis. I felt like a whore. I felt lied to and deceived. How could this guy who claimed he cared for me so much, just throw me away like I was nothing. That was another huge warning sign I didn't bother to notice. During these two months he was seeing someone else, he would call at least once a week, or text. Everytime he did, I would text back telling him to leave me alone. He never responded to my feelings. Another warning sign. It's like he could care less how much he hurt me, and whenever I wanted to talk about how much I hurt, he didn't care. A few times during these two months we were apart, he would ask to hang out. Of course a few times I obliged, and get my hopes up, then when it came time to hang out, he suddenly didn't have time. I kept hurting myself over and over again. Finally I started to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and started to get on with life. Then when I was on vacation he sent me a text "Come over tonight". I responded with "No thanks. Go ahead and invite the girl you left me for over". Eventually I sent him a bunch of texts displaying my anger, then he said "I'm sorry". Wow. Eventually I went over to his house and when I saw him again deep down inside I was so happy, because I had been waiting those two months for him to see what he had been missing. It was always very intense when I was with him. So much passion I guess. This was back in July, and we of course slept together that night (now that I look back I think of what a whore I looked like), but anyways, immediately we began talking again as nothing happened. I was so happy to have him back in my life. This cycle ended in mid October. During those almost three months my life was a living hell. I am a skinny girl to begin with, and I lost about 8 pounds (reducing me to 107 pounds) I had anxiety attacks, and my heart was always racing. I couldn't concentrate on anything if things between us were bad. The mind games he played with me were insane. He's a strange narcissist. He always admitted he was extremely selfish, and he loved to go out at night and be around people. But he was also strange in the sense that unlike most guys his age who will have sex with anything that is willing, he seemed to resent sex. As much as he enjoyed it, I truly believe he saw it as "gross" that he was getting so close to someone. And I think he would punish me because he resented how close and dependent he started to become on me. He always claimed how "independent" he was. He would go out at night to clubs and bars, but if I ever went out he would be so angry. He is a passive aggressive narcissist. He never raised his voice, always kept his "emotions" in tact. That's more of the mind games. I thought it was me who was the one with the problem, because he always seemed so calm and collected. What a joke.

Our "relationship" ended again, because I was crying on a daily basis, and I knew I couldn't take it anymore. He could do whatever he wanted, and say whatever he wanted, but if I did the exact same thing he did, I would be punished beyond belief with his mind games. He was the master at giving me the silent treatment. I once pretended I got in a car accident because I was so desperate for him to stop ignoring me. I could call him 50 times, and he would never pick up. Then when he was ready to talk, he expected me to answer and pretend everything was fine. It was always about his needs, his wants, never about me. In the whole time we were 'dating" we went to the movies twice, (the movies he wanted to see) and to dinner about 5 times. All he wanted to do was sit on his couch and watch the tv shows he wanted to watch. Never ONCE asked what I wanted to see. Never cared.

Towards the end he started telling me he loved me. Well, he said it a few times through text, and twice when he was drunk in person. What a joke. We began fighting on a constant day to day basis and now that I look back it was always because of something he did. I'll admit when I am wrong, but he almost seemed to start drama, just to see "how much I cared for him". It was kind of mutual to end it, at least this time I was aware we were ending. But of course the mind games continued. He knew that I would be a good source of supply later on, when he was willing to stop going out and partying, so he tried to keep me hanging out like he did last time by calling once a week. I told him if you don't want to work things out, leave me alone. I eventually became so enraged I told him I hated him and to never talk to me again. Of course the next morning he called. I ignored his calls and picture messages of us (how lame) that he sent, for a whole week. I was so proud I withheld talking to him. Eventually I crumbled and started talking to him again. One of the last conversations we had he was going to Vegas with his friends and invited me. I said no and that I was seeing someone else. He didn't seem to say anything to that at first. But then he called me Halloween night which I had specifically asked him not to because I was going to be with the person I am now dating. So a few days later I texted him and said "I told you not to call me until I'm ready to talk, I told you Halloween I would be with someone else". He wrote back "Sorry won't ever call again". Then gave me the silent treatment and kept texting "You and your man have a great life" and "Best of luck with your new man". Of course like a fool I tried texting him about 5 days later, and for the first time ever he did not answer my calls, or respond back to anything I said at all. He has never done that before in the entire year I knew him. So I came to terms with the fact that since I told him to leave me alone and that I was with someone else now, he took it as I was "devaluing him" so he then punishes me by giving me the silent treatment when I try and reach out.

Sorry this is so long. My heart still aches for the guy I fell in love with, but I know that that guy never existed. As much as it hurts to not talk to him anymore, I almost feel as though it's a blessing. I have gained back weight, and feel happier as a person. Narcissist's are people that you have to stay away from because no matter how hard you try or how perfect you are, you will NEVER be good enough. And you could try and stay in a relationship with someone like that, but why would you want to be with someone who will never return the love? Even though it hurts he won't talk to me, I almost feel blessed, that the hell I went through, the extreme highs and lows is over. There are so many good people out in the world capable of living a healthy fulfilling loving life so why waste it on someone who never emotionally matured past the age of 5? And when you think about it, these people are children.

And if your heart is hurting, think about the man who will one day treat you right. Respect you, love you, and be there for you. Thinking about that almost eliminates my pain. And after being with this guy, I am so thankful that I was giving the ability to hurt, cry and feel pain for others. Because that is something he will never be able to do.

Nov 26 - 7PM
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I always got the silent treatment too

I know you hurt inside....I still do too...even after my Ex has proven to be a dangerous man. I agree with other posts here....leave and don't go back. I have experienced this pain and I thought I would die from the constant silent treatment. It is over for me. Finallly. I got the silent treatment toward the end of our relationship when I wouldn't comply with his expectations. I wasn't a good, subserviant girl who did what he wanted. I got punished and it hurt. When I finally exposed him with everything I had, he shut me off and tossed me aside like trash. In my case, I don't know if he will stay away as he has a history of stalking me. I got the major silent treatment-he changed his name, disappeared and wont even answer an e-mail. I HAVE to let him go. He will never change and because of his lies and abuse, I will never be able to trust him again. I asked him to get therapy and work with me...he told me he was who he was and he liked himself just the way he was. You are experiencing normal things in your heart and mind. It is ok to cry, hurt, get angry and even be ok with him being gone. Take care of yourself and let him go his miserable way. I fought for 2 years to "fix" my Ex....he nearly destroyed me in the process.
Nov 15 - 5PM
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Stives

You are only 21, you have your whole life ahead of you! Be a smart young woman & don't ever look back! You have escaped with your sanity & thank God that you have not wasted anymore of your time with that loser! He is every bit of a Narc & don't you dare make any excuses for him or give him the benefit of the doubt...He is what he is! As months go by, you'll be able to see it more clearly but for now, just take it from us older women thats "been there, done that!"
Nov 14 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome Stives

Welcome... - Get yourself Lisa's book (link at right) and read it! - PLEASE PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - Please read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - PLEASE read the forum posting rules as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim One big thing is to get yourself into therapy IMMEDIATELY to start detoxing from this animal. You should read the book HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN also. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 14 - 2PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Dear Stives23

Hon you are still young. To tell you the truth, I think what you have encountered isn't unusual.. Guys who are in their young 20s don't know what they want, they don't know how to act, they don't know how to treat a woman. It is basic immaturity. At this point in your life, you are going to meet alot of different people. Yes, you were in a relationship of 4 years, you must have known you need and want to meet people, so you made that choice. You thought this new guy was better. Doesn't mean that this kinda guy is going to be there for the long term. Sounds like you would enjoy you long term, devoted relationship, and are capable of that. I hope you will get beyong this player guy type (there are alot of idiot player types like that, not necessarily Narcissistic, or personality disordered) but sounds like you would like to stay away from them anyway. For now concentrate on you, and what you want. What do you want personally, professionally, and for love in your life.