Lisa E. Scott

Jessika and all

Jessika and all
Posted Mon, 11/02/2009 - 13:53

How do we get off the sofa? You also stated that you go to work then your safe haven is the sofa, ME TOO. Hey our life is passing us by we have to find a way to get off the couch, I think I use TV too much too to escape my thoughts of him. My depression is worse some days than others, but my whole zest for life is clearly diminished I dont like to drink much, that really makes me cry, I do keep up my house clean etc, And you know what is strange, its not so much him directly that is a result of this but how empty I feel inside and how the experience left me, if I ran to him tomorrow I wouldnt be happy he would not help that empty feeling inside, I dont crave sex with him, I dont crave anything with him because when I was with him he was always a huge let down. If I try to put it in words its almost like now that he is NOT WHAT I WANT its almost I cant get used to that because I wanted him for so long and NOW I DONT, so where do I go from here, its so hard to describe.

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Hope in sight

Tue, 11/03/2009 - 11:17 — cynthia

Just got back from the doctors, my blood pressure was up, he said I am totally depressed, anxiety, combined with being unemployed its all stress and PTSD related. Doc said my antidepressants I was taking were a very minimum dose and he said you need to take twice that for them to really be effective. Xanax too for the panic I feel, he said there should be improvement in about 10 days. No wonder the meds werent working I wasnt even taking the right dosage, he said some people take 3x that. Guess the idea is to help lift the depression so I can motivate enough to take action to help improve my life rather lying around in despair. He told me not to worry about going off of them for at least a good year and as my outlook improves he can cut back the dosage and see how it works. If I didnt have a conscience I would not need xanax, so that is a good thing, they dont need xanax thats for sure. iMAGINE not every worrying that you destroyed another persons life, not giving it a second thought. I CANT IMAGINE THAT, because I am human

I am in the same place. I wish I had answers.

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 16:59 — Monica

I get up. Get ready for work. Go to work. Come home and make supper. Then sit on the couch in front of the TV until sleep time. And I need meds to help me sleep. And I look FORWARD to taking those meds and letting them take me into a deep sleep. Just so I can forget. And not cry. And not be depressed and sad. And not feel hopeless and empty, like the very life has been sucked out of me. My doctor also gave me Xanax, which gets me through the work day. His mark is everywhere in my life, including in my house. Work is not even an escape for me. I can't get away from it. And I know that, until I can, I cannot even begin to truly heal. Some days are better than others. But I have no motivation, no drive, no ambition. Nothing. I, too, was miserable when he was in my life. Every encounter was a disappointment. He lied as easily as he breathed. Arrogant, rude, egotistical. The antithesis of the kind of person I am. And yet he destroyed me and sucked out of me all the good things I once was. Maybe I am just in shock over all that happened to me -how I allowed him to treat me, how I ignored all the red flags, why I didn't stop it earlier in the "relationship."

But I want to get off this couch, too. More than I can say.

exactly what I do Monica

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 18:08 — cynthia

His mark is everywhere in my life. I like to go into a deep sleep because it rests my mind. I think its a mixture of shock too that we are healing from, our bodies and minds need time, God I mean why would any of us be depressed? ha ha ha But I do know we have to help ourselves and that is hard, push and force ourselves a little each day, be with healthy people, You know when you go through something like this it totally killed any jealousy or questions about the OW, I never never want to go through something like this again whoever they are with most likely someday will have to go through this or they will stay with them and suffer or there is the big risk factor he will discard them, Guess I am just glad I am getting my recovery overwith and you know what, this is the part when they say recovery is a very hard road from them, and we are doing it, it just seems like it will never end but it will end someday. I wish there was a magic pill but there is none, the road is long, lonely and hard but I will fight to get my life back.

cynthia

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 15:10 — quietude

I too can relate. I went through my robe and jammies phase on the weekends for a while...not including weekdays since I had to work. When the weekends came, I was relived...no make-up, or hair fixing, I don't have to fake pleasentries to anyone!

I still am far from being myself. I have developed some social phobias like not able to go to the grocery store alone...I really hate it. I've never had that problem before this year. Just standing in line or in crowds makes me feel trapped, followed by nice litte panic attacks (sometimes).

This is my biggest sadness...the aftermath he left me with, not so much the fact that he's gone, it's what he DID to me. Zest for life is definitely diminished, but not gone! That would be sad and just mean I let him break me. It's better than it was initially, that's for sure. I'm sure it'll mostly come back...time...work...etc.

Sorry if I couldn't offer much help other than to say you're definitely not alone.

I relate to this . I knew

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 14:17 — Scoop

I relate to this . I knew that when i was with him he didnt make me happy i wasnt myself with him , i use to tip toe around him and the trauma of d&d was so painful .
I wonder now if i will ever be happy again . The trauma i have been through i feel more depressed now than ever and its been 4 months .It feels like im over the shock and denial and this big black cloud is over me . i have lost so much weight and everything i try and do to lift me out of things are mared by this feeling . Im begining to feel i will be like this for ever .
scoop x

Sounds just like I was

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 17:01 — AnotherPath

I think for me I was in a numb place for 3 months. I just had to function for my children then 2 and 4 and go to court over visitation 5 times, plus court for his conviction. After around 3 months the horrors of what really happened started to come into my head, the realisations of what I had been living with, his lies, knowing I had no idea about him, etc. All came crashing in like a tidal wave..... the reality of what I'd been living with was coming into focus and I found it horrific.

I have no idea

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 14:38 — Jessika (not verified)

Cynthia how to change the behavior (laying around). I feel the way that both of you described. I dont want him back in any way.... that would destroy me for sure. I just don't have my zest for life... the light and energy that was my essence is missing.... just gone. 'What is the point' has been my mantra. My appetite and sleep are irregular, my mood depressed, my interest in life diminished significantly.

I have no answers.

Jessika

Same here

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 15:55 — GhostBuster

I know how you all feel. I takes a lot for me to commit to doing things with people. I'd rather just stay on the couch where I feel safe and no pressure to be my old self. I can't wait for weekends when I can just shut the door and the world out. I do make myself go out to the grocery store, but some weekends that's my only venture out. It just feels like what I need to do to heal. On Halloween, I had two parties I could have attended, but chose instead to help my elderly aunt pass out treats to the kiddies. It was just what I needed...seeing their happy little innocent faces and adorable squeals when they got their treat. The tot in the pink lamb costume made me smile genuinely for the first time in quite a while.

I think this is what barbara means when she says it takes 18 months to feel some relief. I'm at 10 months and I'm still depressed and feeling like he stole me from me. It's kind of like getting run over by a truck and surviving. The good news is that we survived but the bad news is we got hit by a truck. But I do think it will get better. With time, therapy and if you need them, meds.

I make a list of things to

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 19:46 — 4joys (not verified)

I make a list of things to do for the next day before I go to sleep. At least I have goals, whether I get to them or not doesnt matter. But it does help me to try. I usually get a few things on the list done.

But nights like this when I am alone and frustrated and so angry at him for the way my life changed for the worse...man, I just want to take some meds and lay in bed. Call it a night!

I just wrote a list before I read your post, 4joys!!

Mon, 11/02/2009 - 19:59 — Monica

Of course, that was after I took my meds for the night, lol! They won't kick in for a bit so I got a notepad and a pen and wrote a list of things I want to get done tomorrow. I do believe this is a step in the right direction. And it takes only a few seconds to do. Now, let's see how many things I get checked off the list tomorrow! Some are household things but I also have bowling on the list. And maybe meeting a friend for lunch if it fits her schedule. I would like to try doing this every night for the following day.