agalliasist's story

I have been in a relationship with a Malignant N for near 5 years. It has been about a month since our last (and final) breakup. (it was every 3 months or so because of something I did...at any point in our relationship, even years prior)

ONLY Because of sites like this I am very much aware of who he is...and more importantly, who he will never be. This is a very tough pill to swallow.

BUT WHAT BUGS ME IS THE MENTAL, SPIRITUAL AND EMOTIONAL CONFUSION, NAGGING ME, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY, HOW... FILLING MY MIND AND THOUGH IT GOES AWAY ONCE IN A WHILE, IT WONT SEEM TO STAY AWAY!!

I wane between hating him, dreaming up revenge,spreading the news to all friends and family and co workers who still think he is some kind of god..telling them all the truth of what happens when you get toO close to this N..the pain, isolation, his lies I endured.. THE DEFAMATION of my character...

I want to address those who defend him, believe his lies and exaggerations about me...I want to redeem myself..tell them all how it really was for me...but I know I will be viewed as the "crazy"...he will continue his shrug, walk away unscathed... and those that superficially know him, will continue loving him, thinking he loves then too.

Then, talk about crazy...I wake in the morning..to missing him, feeling the heartache loss of what I thought was a beautiful love affair, love I never experienced, grief, emptiness without him, pity for him, thoughts of sticking it out to help him, his emptiness, jealousy of the next woman he is wining and dining..shame because maybe it really was me who messed up...

BUT I know in my brain he was a big fake!! A liar. He cannot be loved as he will not accept it, doesnt feel it, he is empty, a tin can....dare I say evil....and nothing more than smoke and mirrors. And he was never capable of loving me, even though the crumbs he threw had some possibilities.

I feel blood drained, sucked to near spiritual, emotional and psychological death by this vampire...I am now like a dull pencil, where I used to be sharp, witty, confident compassionate. Now I feel weak, confused, embarrassed, isolated in my mind.

Its a battlefield in my mind and soul. I am angry. Angry at what he did to me. I wish would just go away.

Here is a poem I found from Alice in Wonderland.....I thought it fitting for where I have been.

“It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.”
---Alice (Alice in Wonderland)

Wonderland of Madness

Have you ever sought the land of wonder...
the place where nightmares grow?
That’s where I live, a haunting place in case you didn't know
Where things aren't always as they seem and opposites abound
The place where normal children scream...where love and peace aren't found
The cards, they only serve to try to mess with every head
They cut it off and look inside....your dignity, they shred
The madness here consumes us all.... Our jackets hug us tight
Where is the exit from this hole? Where is the real world's light?

Come on in, we're all mad here and no one really cares

Except for Alice, over there still looking for the stairs.....