A 29 year-old virgin, a 40 year-old N and his 20 year-old sluts
Hi everyone. I have to say I admire all of you strong women (and men) and all your insights have helped tremendously. I'm new here and new to narcs. I guess I'm new to a lot of things. Yes, I'm the 29 year-old virgin. Relationships on the whole are a new territory for me. I didn't date much at all when I was younger. Busy with work and I guess you can say I have a few issues of my own that kept any guy from getting close. Call it shyness or something else. I hate to float my own boat but I've been told I'm the whole package. Even though I'm confident, I have self-esteem issues. I've always thought it's better for men to admire me from a distance than to let them get too close and realize I'm not what they want. Needless to say, I've had several romantic disappointments. Nothing big, mostly just crushes. Yet I've always remained eternally hopeful, positive and optimistic.
Then the N came into my life. He was prince charming personified. I thought to myself the reason I waited this long is because someone this wonderful was meant for me. He chased me (something he never does) and was enamored of me. He said he doesn't fall for women but my unique set of traits made him fall so hard for me. He said I'm generous, trusting, big heart, understanding, open minded etc. He said I'm the one and hasn't had these strong feelings for anyone in a long time. He talked about getting married (in the first month) and all that jazz. The walls I kept to protect myself came crashing down in spite of me. I fell for him and I opened myself up for the first time. I took a leap of faith for this man. He was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first everything (well not everything, more of that later). We had a great intellectual and emotional connection. The sexual tension was intense yet he respected me enough not to rush me. He was oh so charming.
The he started to withdraw. Incommunicado for days. He would "forget" to greet me on special occasions. No gifts, not even a measly text message. I caught him on several lies. He'd hang out with people beneath his level yet he judges them. He said most women are whores. He has a harem of 20 something year old female "friends" that are obviously into him based on his stories. His suspicious stories bothered me. Obviously there was something more beneath the surface. But I didn't confront him because I wanted to be the understanding gf. These girls are inferior to him in many ways and it astounded me as to why he chooses their company when they have nothing in common. Other women he leads on when it's obvious they're chasing him. He doesn't want them but I don't know why he even bothers to string them along. I thought he was naive. He contradicts himself, has shifting morality. What bothered me the most was that he refused to sleep with me or even touch me yet he goes and screws sluts all over the place (even when he said he doesn't like sluts). He said it turns him off when I ask to be intimate. He said he doesn't want to sleep with me because I'd fall in love with him.I felt so inadequate. Then I found out he slept with one of his friends. We talked about it and he admitted it matter of fact. No apology, no guilt. Just a neutral smug expression on his face when he said the only reason is because she's hot. The he dropped the bomb that he cannot commit to me because he'll screw me over because I'm a nice girl. For everything he did, he never apologized.
I ended things soon after even though I still had feelings for him. It hurt but I chose to stay away. I could see he was seeking me out but was too proud to make the first move. Eventually things fell into place and we became friends again after a few months. It was platonic on the surface. I don't see or talk to him often at all. One time we hung out he even brought with him one of his 20 year old sluts. An FWB or a semi gf I think. He ignored her practically the entire time and I could see it bothered her. I thought it was disrespectful to me, and especially to her. Now I suspect he's trolling the internet for casual sex partners. Why did he find me so sexually unappealing and choose to be with sluts half his age? What happens to narcs when they lose their secondary NS? Is this why he's beefing up his primary NS with sluts for casual sex on the internet?
I still have feelings for him. I try to make myself numb to him but it's not that easy. Does he really sound like a narc? Sometimes I question it. Even though he disgusts me, a part of me is fascinated by him. An obsession from a distance. I just want to be free. Maybe it's because he's my first "love". Or maybe because narcs have a way with messing up your head. I don't know how to get to holy indifference. I just want to know that I can learn to trust again.