LAex Story

7 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 25 - 11AM
LAex
LAex's picture

LAex Story

I have read this site, Barbara's blog, and a couple of other websites religiously for the past 9 months. Each time gaining assurance, validation, information, and confidence. I am still waiting to "get over this" strange thought process of being interested in what he is doing but also know that I am scared to death of him as well. So the story...

We met on an online dating site (dumb, I now know). My divorce of 11 years was finalized 3 months prior to being connected via dating service and his marriage of 18 years was over (divorced) 6 months before mine. He seemed great. And know doubt I made sure that my mind made him seem great. Marine Corps Officer. Built himself "up" from very little. Charming. Worldy. Extraverted. Seductive. Quite honestly, it felt nice to be wanted, to be pursued, to be listened to, to feel conneceted. At the beginning of this "courtship" (ha) I was not expecting much and stated that emphatically. My career is good, busy and not where he lives. He is on the West Coast and I am 2000 miles away. His career is also good, busy, and in the midst of a war. Looking back I think he conveniently used his career as front to not communicate with me while he was pursuing others.

RED FLAGS:
- highly sexual
- interrupts in conversations incessantly
- wanted to meet me within 2 weeks. We met within a month not in the city I currently live (thank God). He flew to see me. Geesh
- things he stated whether in writing, in person, or on the phone during the 6 months he was in my life. "I am not a sexual deviant." "I think I am morally depraved." "I do not want to owe you anything so we can just be friends." "I have never met anyone like you." "I am quite layered." "You might be the only person who understands me." "Children do cause divorces." "I told my child that if he/she lied to me I would kick them and not attend their wedding or see my grand kids." "I think everyone wants to be exploited." When I asked him if he cared about me his response, "as a person I do." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- spoke horribly of his ex (I have always felt sorry for her on how she had to manage that marriage with him.)
- lots of "you know what your problem is?" and then proceed to tell me.
- "I want you to see evil, feel pain and then know the comfort of my arms." UGH
- when I did visit him I felt everything was calculated, especially sexually. When I asked him after a BJ in one of the model units of the condo community where he was purchasing his ex-wife a condo, if he had that planned? His response "No, that is too calculated."

Nearly a year ago, I went no contact. His last email to me in January (before I blocked him).."Is it all or nothing with you? That is f'd up. Above all we were friends." That made me sick. None of my friends have ever asked me to give another man a BJ while he watched. No, dude, we are not and were not friends. Friends do not treat me that way.

I have constantly been on the lookout that he is going to show up in my city (yes, he is/was dating someone in the same 2000 mile away city that I live in). That information was shocking. What the hell?

With a good therapist that I started seeing a week after I went NC, I have become stronger, healthier, saner, healthfully angry, and healthfully loving of myself and others. But it has not been easy as all of you know.

I sometimes wonder who I became to allow myself to be manipulated, treated so terribly, confused, and in lots of ways dumb. If any of my friends or family were treated the way that this man treated me, I would tell them to run. All of mine did, but I did not soon enough.

I do not think he will contact me but I am aware that he may. I am less scared/anxious when Itravel (I travel a lot). The anxiety of being on high alert was exhausting. I now have a plan if I were to run into him and it is a plan that I can do. WALK or RUN AWAY and do not show emotion...especially pain.

I have never felt so exhausted in a 'relationship." Thank goodness he did not live in the same city. My guess is that he would have been found out sooner for the many dating sites he is on and for the list of female friends he likes to get attention from. 2000 miles allows him to pretend to be in an exclusive relationship with a woman while he gets to hide his real life where he lives and continue his deviant behavior. My city must have a lot of supply for him - he got me so why not try for another one in the same city.

Thanks for listening.
LAex

Sep 25 - 8PM
grossot
grossot's picture

LAex

Glad you're here! I think that's a little spooky that he's dating someone in your city. I don't blame you for being on high alert. But it sounds like you will handle yourself perfectly if you happen to run into him (God forbid). Keep coming here - as you can tell we all take care of each other here. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled
Sep 25 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
LAex
LAex's picture

Dating Someone 2000 miles away

I and my closest friends agreed about the spookiness of him dating another woman in a city 2009 miles away from his home -actually we were horrified. Is that normal for a narcissist - in the realm of their normalcy to "calculate" such a thing? Writing my story has dredged up more of the memories of his strange behavior. And I cannot believe that at one time I had feelings for this jerk. Egads.
Sep 26 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes, because he needs to

Yes, because he needs to fish where no one knows his true self. He fishes and sniffs around until he hooks someone who buys his crap. Mine came all the way from England. I never met his family and friends. BTW, he had no friends and his family were very messed up people. ~Free to Be~
Sep 25 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

calculated

in the realm of their normalcy to "calculate" such a thing? There is NO normalcy with them Hell YES it's calculated. EVERYTHING THEY DO IS CALCULATED. go to MY BLOG on the left - read everything there - a little at a time. Calculated - YES!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Sep 25 - 3PM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

LAex

Welcome. I'm happy you found these sites. You sound like you're doing great. All those things he's said to you....what a sick man. Keep recovering :) ~Free to Be~
Sep 25 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

LAex

Welcome... - Get yourself Lisa's book - go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed - read our blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - listen to our free radio show: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabout him You should like you're in a good place. Stay on the path to peace and contentment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.