he is threatened by your sexuality

he is threatened by your sexuality
Posted September 21, 2009 - 2:57pm
0

This is part of a blog I wrote today. I hope it is not too much but I wanted to share just how crazy things can get with a narcissistic man.

One day I went to visit the man I loved. We were going to have lunch and then sex. He was beginning to show his true colors by this time. So, we ate lunch and I thought we were having a pleasant day. I was anyway. Something I had said though during our lunch had threatened him, though of course, I would not know this until later, after he would take revenge upon me and then tell me why.

We took our clothes off and slipped underneath the sheets. Then suddenly his eyes turned from soft to hard. He had touched me. He asked in a tone I was not yet familiar with, but would later learn well, “Were you already wet or did I have anything to do with it?”

This man was literally threatened by the fact that my vagina was not dry! It became a problem. The wetter I was the more threatened the man felt! At first of course this is something he adored and loved about me, but after he had me reeled in so to speak, he turned it into something to use to put me down.

He said I was not a normal woman. He said normal women didn’t want sex as much as men did. He said maybe I had extra testosterone that explained why I was not a normal woman. He became obsessed about me having orgasms.

Right before I would almost have one, he would stop whatever he was doing. Once during sex, which was near the end of our relationship, thank God!, all was going well right? Suddenly, as I was having an orgasm, he fell to the side of me on the bed and pretended to be asleep! He also literally pretended snoring!

He was a sick man. He said women shouldn’t have orgasms every time they had sex like a man should.

I was way late in the game. I knew he was nuts but I was in an abusive cycle. I was in deep! Once you are in it is hard to get out!

My saving grace was probably two things: I was a mother and did not want my son exposed to this man or to see his mother as a weak woman who let men abuse her, and the second thing was my temper. I began losing it and these kind of abusers do not tolerate a temper from their victim.

I’m also a little bit of a redneck so a couple of times I called him an asshole. Like the day he fell to snoring! I was so mad I got up out of the bed. The sheet came with me. I threw it back on the bed as I got dressed telling him how I couldn’t handle his craziness anymore!

A few days later he called and said he couldn’t walk because the sheet had landed on his knee, which he had injured at age 19! He was almost sixty years old at the time and had never mentioned having any problems with his knee until that day. I had to laugh. He got even angrier and said I had been violent throwing that sheet at him.

The last time we had sex he set me up for humiliation. It has been many years now, so I can speak of it, but not without my heart beating faster.

I wanted to go into the bedroom and for the first time he didn’t and said he wanted to stay on the sofa. I could feel something inside of me, maybe like you would feel if you were home alone at night and saw a shadow pass by your window, but then you put it off to the reflection of the moon and the wind blowing a tree branch.

The sex that night was different than it ever had been. He didn’t kiss me and made strange remarks using what sounded like a calculated tone of contempt. Something wasn’t right. Then it began.

“Is this what you wanted?” he asked. We were having very simple intercourse; no special techniques; no special positions.

We’d been lovers long enough to know each other and what we enjoyed. So it seemed that even though we were on the sofa, he was trying to please me and I thought was enjoying it. The more he held me the way I liked, the more he touched me the way I liked, the stronger the feeling became that something was wrong. Then he laughed, “Is that what you want?” he asked again and again, I heard contempt. He began to make fun of me for enjoying it. I thought he was joking around at first. Then he made fun of me for being wet. “Do you need a wash cloth to dry off?” and he laughed like something from a freaking horror movie or something! I was in shock. In the end he said, “Do you feel better now?” He got up and went into the bathroom. He was fully dressed when he returned. He stood before me and asked me to leave. I thought he had gone in there to get me a wash cloth and we would cuddle as we always had. He said he had phone calls to make. It was about midnight on a Saturday night. That was the last time we had sex.

I had a nervous break down because of this relationship. He said two of his ex-wives had left him and gone, “straight to the mental institutions.”

I finally got out! I did not live with this man. More often than not during my two years with him I was withdrawing from him, seeking counseling and trying to get out of it but he would charm me right back in. Two years may not sound like a long time but it is long enough to do a great deal of harm.

I have PTSD from it. I get better with time, but I’m unsure if it will ever go away completely. Things trigger the symptoms of PTSD. Sometimes it is such small things; a smell or even the color of the sky. It is like the brain has a place where it holds the memory of an abusive event. A place where at the time it happened, maybe you were cooking greens or something and the scent got attached to the memory.

There are other triggers that are more obvious, such as a sarcastic remark that reminds you of your former abuser, but the worst trigger is a new abuser! One would think that after a person got away from an abuser that she or he would never do it again. This is not always the case.

The rest of this entry is on my blog at:
http://dogkisses.wordpress.com/2009/09/21/understanding-why-you-are-hurt...

Thanks so much for letting me share.

‹ Narcs everywhere in my life! Just talking ›
betty2020's picture

A means of control. Like

July 26, 2010 - 11:33am — betty2020

A means of control. Like any good Narc he will use all tactics to throw your self esteem into the shitter and make you second guess your womanhood. Its a way to make you come back for his validation. He makes you feel as if there is something you have either done wrong or can not do right to please your man. Your always left questioning how and what you can do to satisfy them. This makes you try harder. This is ambient abuse at its best. A narc is the most selfish creature that walks the earth. They dont want to waste time on pleasuring you or making sure your needs are met. This is all just a game of cat and mouse to them.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

calamity-g's picture

A means of conrol. Like

July 26, 2010 - 12:04pm — calamity-g

Very well said! I had no clue at the time that the reason he wanted me to be hyped up sexually all the time was control. And to think I felt guilty for being too tired to do things other than sex and rest. He would get me so tired and then ask if I wanted to go shopping. I can't believe I didn't see this while it was happening.

But, I realize now I was simply being myself. I didn't know he was a psychopath. I didn't know it was a cruel game he was playing.

going forward :)

PS (What does tm? mean sweetie?)
~~~~~~~~
My Blog

betty2020's picture

Yes its all in the game.

July 26, 2010 - 12:17pm — betty2020

Yes its all in the game. Its a very sick and cruel one but its the Narcs game. I didnt see it either, dont think anyone did till it was over. In fact it took sometime before i saw a lot of the games they played. It still comes to me in small doses. Its frightening to see the manipulation and control they are capable of. Its slow, subtle and stealth. Before you know it your brainwashed and locked in.

The TM stands for trademark. LOL its kind of a running joke we have here that just means that we stake claim on our comments or statements as our own and not plagiarized.

Please read our thoughts for today sections at the top of the board. Would love for you to add to it.

xoxoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

helldweller's picture

Sex

July 26, 2010 - 11:20am — helldweller

I have thought for some time now that he was deliberately pushing me away while initiating these intense sexual situations to keep us in that early, hyper-attracted relational situation. I think he was absolutely terrified of having a normal relationship and seeing the sex drive lesson between us. Part control of the relationship, part validation. He would constantly ask, "Who would kiss you like I do after four years?" "Who would touch you like I do?" Um, no one, honey. No one human, at least.

wholeagain's picture

Ick

July 26, 2010 - 12:22pm — wholeagain

Such a catch-22 right? The exN used to grab my boobs roughly or things like that, then when I didn't respond to it would say "don't you want me to be attracted to you? Most women I know only wish their man wanted them."

Well...no actually, after a point I really didn't want him to be attracted to me! I started going to bed early, dressing down, pretending to be a sleep, and lol I sure had my period/cramps/headaches a lot!

Sex always had to be such a big, out of proportion subject. I'm all for a healthy sex life but want it in balance, not as the overriding theme of my life.

goldie's picture

This is such a poignant subject

July 26, 2010 - 2:08pm — goldie

Yes, the subject of sex with the N is often not discussed nearly enough and is such an integral part of what keeps us hooked and can make NC so difficult particularly when we are still under their "spell" and control. This subject can be extremely painful and the temptation is to try and forget the horror and lack of true intimacy and loving connection with these people in this arena.

When I look back over my past bf's the quickest way for me to spot the N's is that they all had sexual intimacy issue's that other men just don't have. Not to say a man with sexual issue's is always a N, this is certainly not the case, it's the type of issues's that separate the N's in my opinion, it is a feeling, a sense, like the other's are speaking about here, that something is just not right.

My first one, whom I was with only a short time, would make love in a way that left me feeling cold, like I had just been used. There was nothing overt and mechanically he did everything right. Another woman he was with before me, said she needed to drink an entire bottle of Maalox to feel better after sex with him. I was very young at the time and I started laughing and said, I know what you mean. I got out early because I was warned by many that he was what they called back then a "woman hater".

The next one, 8 years ago was gay and a diagnosed N. He claimed to be in love with me. He even proposed marriage. LOL!! He lured me in intellectually and we never bonded sexually. Nevertheless, I was hooked and when the D&D began I did not know what hit me. Very painful stuff.

Nothing on this earth prepared me for the last one. I have been NC for 74 days. He is in jail and my phone is blocked and he is not allowed to write to me. Yes, this does make it easier to maintain NC, no question. He is a N/P and it was all about sex and control with him. He pressured me into having sex before I was ready, saying that it would bring us closer and create a bond. He was not kidding. We became bonded in a way, I never want to be bonded with anyone ever again. He began the sexual D&D very early into the relationship. He told me that my female area was not normal and he had no idea how to satisfy me because of this. He also implied that I was not clean enough. Now mind you, he did all this as if it were a joke and I was so hurt and screwed up over this that I was a mess. I had never been told anything like this before and I should have run for the hills but as we all know, this is not always the choice we make when we get these glaring red flags. I was so very hooked already by then and he was complimenting me constantly in all the other area's of my life. You are the love of my life, I want to marry you, you are beautiful, sexy, smart, ect.. I can now see in retrospect that he had major sexual issues and was using this D&D of me as a smoke screen to keep the focus off of what was wrong with him and on making me feel that somehow I was lacking as a woman. There was nothing wrong with me in that way, this was all designed to keep me insecure about his issues with sex and women. Basically it was how he kept me hooked because I was not insecure about the other parts of me and this was his way of keeping me stuck and it worked. They always find out early on what works to keep us connected, insecure, and vulnerable. This must have worked in the past so he knew he was on to something.

This is not easy to talk about and I am embarrassed that I stayed with him and allowed this abuse. I only hope that by telling the truth that it will set me free from this insecurity and possibly help another out there who may also be in a situation where they are being told lies by a sick twisted person to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. When a man devalues us in anyway about our bodies, or our willingness to participate in acts we are not comfortable with, THIS IS NOT LOVE, THIS IS NOT LOVING, AND WE DO NOT NEED TO ACCEPT UNACCEPTABLE TREATEMENT, COMMENTS, OR BEHAVIOR. This is a lacking in them, not us and it is o.k. to say, no thank you buddy. I am all set.

My prayer and hope for all of us today and always is to allow enough space between them for the healing to begin and for us to become once again the beautiful vital healthy woman we are intended to be.

God bless,
Goldie

helldweller's picture

Sex

July 26, 2010 - 11:15am — helldweller

The whole thing was so damnably weird. It started off with the first night we were together, when I went down on him, me still fully clothed (he hadn't even touched me) to sort of warm him up for lovemaking. Well, he came, got up and left. I was thinking, "That will be a hundred bucks for the blow job."

At the end, it was him "taking care of me" for about an hour every time. I couldn't touch him or even kiss him. He was determined to show me how much he "loved" me by making me orgasm a bunch of times. I mean, I literally couldn't take anymore, but he'd ask, "What, you don't like it?" And if I asked him to stop, there were times he would get up and leave because I "didn't want him to touch me." I mean, I would be bleeding sometimes, for god's sake, because he went on for so long and so intensely. Only after he was done with me could I touch him, and then only to lick his ass and finish him off on my knees.

It was absolutely horrible.

calamity-g's picture

sex

July 26, 2010 - 11:57am — calamity-g

helldweller-- "What, you don't like it?" -- Yep, heard the same thing.
You know, the sex with them really does leave a mark on us. It is dehumanizing isn't it? I have severe fibromyalgia. We would be having sex and I'd say hey, it's time for my meds and he'd keep me there as long as he could. I waited too long several times until I had breakthrough pain, which meant I had to take more medication.
I think he was only controlling me. Once he said when I told him I was in pain that it had been worth it to him.
He tried to keep me turned on even at the grocery store. It was constant. I didn't know what was happening at the time.
Once he saw a picture of me at my mom's b'day party. It was a nice pic. He was a photographer but every pic he took of me looks like I'm a deer caught in front of headlights. He said that is a nice pic. It looked like me you know, just hanging with my family. He was jealous. He said why don't you put on makeup for me. I never usually wear any. I thought well, if you would take your hands away from my crotch, I might could get some makeup on once in a while!
I cannot write more here without saying some very harsh things about that jerk. I just can't.
I do not know the rules of this site as I write, so I feel I need to wait, find out, and then I'll know what is appropriate for me to say.
I didn't realize when I began this reply to you that I would feel an serious rising of emotions.
I guess remembering it makes me very angry!
I am glad he is gone. That is the God's honest truth.
I am so glad. I do not have a desire for him anymore.
That is the truth too. Thank God. And I really mean that. Thank God!!!
I'm so sorry to hear stories like yours. I know how you feel.

After I stopped seeing him but still had contact, he said I had been nothing but a way for him to feel. He said the only way he could feel was to see me feeling through sex. He lied. He felt something. But when he saw that I was not going to let him control me anymore, he had to act like a big stud in the world, even though his is really a ugly...
You see, I just can't keep writing because I'd like to fill a page with descriptive words.
I'll end this with my sincere hopes that you are healing.
I wish for us both, and all of us, much peace, some happiness and continued healing.
~~~~~~~~
My Blog

calamity-g's picture

he's threatened by your sexuality

July 26, 2010 - 9:56am — calamity-g

Hello,
About the above entry, 'threatened by your sexuality' -- The LINK IS BROKEN. I revised the article which broke the link.

The article has a new title: "Why does she let him abuse her?"
Here is a new link:
http://dogkisses.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/why-does-she-let-him-abuse-her/

I was new to cyberspace and blogging when I wrote the original entry. I see now where I've learned a lot about NPD, one thing being that I don't understand NPD as the professionals and experts do. I know enough to know the man I was with was one. I have other articles that are better than this one, but they are all only my personal experience.

I've been in two different relationships with narcissists. That particular entry refers to a man I loved 13 years ago and it was a nightmare, of course! I had a breakdown as a result of that rel. I had to go across the country and stay with a friend who helped me with my son, who was barely 14, so I could heal. I chose that over a hospitalization.

You'd think I'd have learned but in 2008 I got involved with my 26 year-long life agent, whom I'd always liked but never knew well. This is the man the rest of the articles in my blog refer to when I write about the N I loved.

The second rel. with an N (my good 'ol neighbor!) only lasted six months, although it was extremely hard for me to finally go NC. I had my own private breakdown and almost had to go into the hospital but I made it through, thank God, and you guys. I still have hard times but nothing like one year ago or even six months ago.

They are different kinds of narcissists. The one I refer to in the above article put me down for enjoying sex with him. He said I was not a normal woman when I enjoyed our love making.

The second N, my life agent, tried to keep me hyper-sexual completely using me for sex. Strangely thou, after his honeymoon phase, which was about five months, he did start putting me down in covert ways during and after sex. I don't know how bad this would have gotten if I'd stayed. I imagine pretty bad.

The second N is a malignant narcissist and totally sadistic. I do know enough to know this. The first man was a misogynist 4sure. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. When he was done with me he was able to move on quickly, but he was nothing like the malignant narcissist who was my agent all those years. This guy is a psychopath and a serious predator.

I called asking for a loan from my policy and he began his predatory hunt. Unfortunately, he finally captured me. I believe my experience from 13 years ago had taught me enough that when the second N I loved began his narcissistic sadistic behavior, which was five months into the rel., I knew what I was dealing with, which allowed me to say no to seeing him, even though, it took the best of seven more months and finally, his offer to help me die (when I did not want to die) for me to go NC. Actually, I didn't know what NC meant 'til coming to this site. A huge THANK YOU to everyone who helped me get through the hardest times!

NC is the best choice I made.

I've also edited other articles, as I realized some of them wrongly, albeit ignorantly, portrayed an N as a mere jerk or arse, so I had to edit.

I'm doing much better, but I can't say I'm not still affected. I may always be affected in some ways. I have trust issues that I didn't have before the second N. I get paranoid about people -- sometimes online and sometimes in real life. I never had this experience before. I've actually wondered a few times if he has paid someone to be my friend.

This suspicion has come upon me with three different people. Did he hire this person to come into my life I ask myself. It is horrible to feel this way!

I have a good counselor when I can make myself go to appointments. I have fibromyalgia and CFS, along with chronic depression, so I don't make it weekly as I would like. I make it as often as I can though and it helps. I also get help from reading other people's experiences.

Some days I still get pretty depressed about it and withdraw from the world. I find it difficult to come to this site often, I guess because on my better days I do not want to think of him. My son got sick at age 19, with a serious brain disorder. He needs me so on my good days I try to focus on how I can help him, along with my writing, which I enjoy.

I've dated a few times. It was nice but I've had flashbacks so I can't have a rel. yet. Every time I've tried the flashbacks begin. I sure hope they stop.

Again, thanks to all who have helped me in here. I truly mean that. Thank you!
~~~~~~~~
My Blog

cynthia's picture

more on that note

September 22, 2009 - 10:23pm — cynthia (not verified)

I have a few things to add to this topic, mine once made fun of me over the phone saying, I'm gonna come, i'm gonna come, and started laughing referring to me I guess, I should have made fun of him back sounded like a groaning pig when he was at his peak, mine would just stop in the middle of sex and say I AM THIRSTY, be right back, Oh gee thanks then say, I need to take a break for a few minutes and turn the tv on, speaking of wet, mine wanted me sloppy wet, said he always wanted to see two dicks in me at the same time thought that would be the all sexual high all I could think of was OUCH, what the hell was I thinking to let some fast talking charming con artist lure me to believing he loved me, they are con men nothing but sick con men I call mine a sexual con artist, love thief, and rapist and that is how I will always remember him

NanC's picture

Omg! That is so freakin

September 22, 2009 - 9:18pm — NanC (not verified)

Omg! That is so freakin weird!!! My xN would accuse me of being turned on without him if he thought I was wetter than he thought I should be. Then he would say he couldn't even feel me (making me think I was too loose). I found myself squeezing my muscles so he would enjoy it better & then get mad at me for doing that. I went so far as to have a procedure done to tighten me up. By that time though, I guess he had already lost interest because he never even touched me. Oh my gosh, what a waste of time! That's what i regret the most, WASTED TIME i will never ever get back. I'm 8 yrs older & he goes off with his new gf & not even giving me the time of day!!! I hate him. He's such a loser!!!

Barbara's picture

they are sick

September 22, 2009 - 11:08pm — Barbara (not verified)

Psycho-Boy one time called me so I could "listen to him ***" It sounded so wierd but I couldn't make myself hang up... I was just covering a giggle. Then just before he finished he asked if I would "rub the phone against my (private area)." I burst out laughing. He didn't speak to me for 2 weeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

calamity-g's picture

they are sick

September 22, 2009 - 11:35pm — calamity-g

Yes they are sick. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with these experiences. What is wrong with me! I am smart, I am fatigued yes, disabled in many ways yes, but I could still get a nice man if I could just get out some. So why do I still long for this mean guy who is dying to hurt me again. I can feel it and he will! I know this! What is this illness called? PTSD or what!!! Sigh... I spoke to the recent N again. I have one last thing I have to complete, logistics over a phone. He was very nice about it (of course), then told me of a dream. He asked me if I wanted to hear it and I asked him how many people were in the dream. Four all together! That is what he wanted, me and many more, together. And yes, two at a time in me. Yup all I thought was OUCH. I asked him if he ever had felt real love and made love without thinking of anything except the person he was with and sadly for him, he said no. He said he is mentally ill. He said he dates now but without any feelings. What kind of women want that! And why me. God I just want to have myself back.
calamity gina

cynthia's picture

they are nothing but highly disturbed

September 23, 2009 - 9:33am — cynthia (not verified)

its like we fall in love with the perfect dream man, then they turn into the exact opposite of what we thought they were, that is a hard thing to accept, he was the opposite of what i would ever want, i think we all experience shock and we remain in a shock state and nothing can reach us only things that trigger that shock, then we slowly come out of the deep shock and start to rebuild ourselves. i would compare it to finding a wonderful guy then finding out he was an axe murderer that is the level of deception we are talking about here, its hard enough when a normal relationship fails, we grieve, mourn, but with a psychopath/narc these people are nothing what they act to be they play the victim, they pretend they are soooo in love with us, they victimize innocent decent kind people, and then they kill us slowly

donedeed's picture

they change

September 23, 2009 - 10:29am — donedeed (not verified)

dear all new to board, and cannot believe that i am reading about my ex husband, and yet how can all you know him, idivorced him 13years ago, but only got away from him last year, cos we where married over 30 years, so [we can stay friends] he said we have kids together dont we, so i agreed, let him walk in and out,he still had a key , still controlling me, to a degree, even still took me shopping and when we got home said, you may as well stay in now ,whats to go back out for, so i did. trouble was it was only 10 30 in the morning,that continued for 5 years until one day he said he would be round in 15 mins , 6hours later he turned up, i went crazy at him, and said you will never f,,,ing do that to me again, i never went shopping with him again. But there where still many more traps to get out of, many many more i will save that for another time, but he didnt win ,he didnt break my spirit, but its been a long hard road. But now donedeed at last, the man i was married to was not the man the world saw. Mr cool,Mr wonderful, and me his neurotic wife, oh what he had to put up with me, but he soldiered on ,well he would ,woulnt he? he was the f,,,ing cause.But if you people dont believe in karma you should. Its there now.

Liberty's picture

Sexual practises of the N

September 21, 2009 - 3:58pm — Liberty

Dog kisses, thank you for sharing this. It is intensely powerful to read and no less painful to know of your suffering. The power is yours, testament to your strength and courage- an inspiration to us.

I wondered if you or others have an answer or thoughts - When my ex and I first had intercourse it was like nothing I had ever experience, I did think at one point 'Bloody hell, this guy can go for hours, how lucky am I' when quite without warning he instructed me to 'stop, stop, don't move I'm gonna come.' There was something very strange about it and mirroring his rigidity, I kept deathly still. After the 'moment' had passed he pulled out and said we have to stop. Just like that and off he went into the bathroom.

I had no clue what to make of it other than ok maybe he's concerned about contraception.

Anyway fast forward many encounters later, and the same thing happened over and over. After one particularly abrupt and 'violent' withdrawal, I started to cry. When he asked me what was wrong I suddenly realised how used I felt. So I told him that his abrupt ending of how love making left me feeling rejected. He looked coldly and unfeeling but managed to muster a modicom of tenderness to his words and said 'if I don't ejaculate it means we can make love for longer.'

I half bought into this and half of me thought what a nutcase.

But he managed to convince me that it was in the service of 'your pleasure, satifaction'.

I somehow didn't believe him. As time passed on one occasion I let it be known that actually what would be satisfying and true love making was if he did come (I am on the pill at this stage) and he sort of mumbles.

Anyway, after a few days of not seeing him following a row (my choice) we came together sexually in the most intense way and he lost control and a nano-second after he said 'I'm gonna come' he did and well, it was the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced. For one thing I had to ask him and when he said yes, it was the most disappointing limp and unerotic experience I have ever had of a man ejaculating inside of me.

Anyway, in the 4 months we were together he came twice. What in God's name is this about. Bizarre beyond belief, it seems obvious to state that it's about control.

I'd be most grateful of any thoughts or experiences that you may be able to share to make sense of something most bizarre. But of course I dismissed, until now...

Thank you for taking the time to wade through my stuff.

Liberty

NanC's picture

My xN was the same. It was

September 22, 2009 - 9:32pm — NanC (not verified)

My xN was the same. It was like a marathon! He would go on forever. It got to the point that i couldn't even have an orgasm because he was so intense & was tryin so hard, i just wanted him to stop. It never felt like "love making". It was more f***ing. He was also obsessed with the size of his penis...weirdo!

dolce's picture

What a sicko.He gets off on

September 21, 2009 - 7:35pm — dolce (not verified)

What a sicko.He gets off on saying he sent ex's to the mental hospital. What coldhearted cruelty. Mine did not show his hand like that. Only until the very end did I find out who and what he was.

~Free to Be~

calamity-g's picture

what a sicko

September 21, 2009 - 7:41pm — calamity-g

calamity gina--
he was a sicko! I didn't see this either until near the end. He told me in the end that he felt that he had achieved a great thing by breaking my spirit, "like breaking a wild horse," he said. So yeah -- Sicko!

calamity-g's picture

Sexual practices of the N

September 21, 2009 - 7:37pm — calamity-g

calamity gina
Hi Liberty-- Barbara wrote such a good reply to this that I want to print it but wanted to say thanks for your kind words and reading what I wrote. It was hard to write and hard to believe that after so many years I remember that in such detail!
Your guy not ejaculating -- sounds like control to me. In my experience, having been single for most of my adult life, (after being widowed at a young age), men with a narcissistic/abusive personality always have some problem around sex! Always control. I've known so many nice healthy men whom I've been friends with, thank God. I have had a few relationships over these years with healthy men. We did not have any problems sexually. I didn't stay with the healthy ones though and ended up with the nut. It is with the two serious narcissists I knew where control around sex was there, serious control! I never had this experience in a healthy relationship! I did once know a young man who felt guilty for ejaculating, so he didn't and eventually wanted me to practice that and was upset and put me down when I said I was not going to, so I broke up with him because of it. I don't know what was wrong with him other than guilt.
This is a great site though. I'm learning and need the support right now.
I think I just replied in the wrong order. ??? I need a bit of support learning computers too. Sorry if I post at the wrong places you guys. Calamity gina.
Thanks.

Barbara's picture

Liberty - the sexual N

September 21, 2009 - 6:24pm — Barbara (not verified)

The bonding hormone oxytocin is one of the most powerful natural anti-anxiety chemicals there is! That is why sex is so relaxing. During sex, oxytocin is released and you feel not only happy and bonded with your mate, but afterwards, you are relaxed and anxiety-free.

Early in the relationship, the pathological isolates his woman from the rest of the world and her social network. Therefore, she has little emotional support from others that would normally serve to help her reduce or manage her anxiety effectively. Being with a pathological is anxiety-producing. The pathological has a fight with her raising her level of anxiety. She thinks about leaving or takes steps to leave the relationship and that triggers profound anxiety in her.

Without friends and family as support to help her manage her anxiety, she is in need of anxiety relief. She turns to the pathological himself—both the creator and reliever of stress. He gratefully relieves her anxiety through sex. She feels closer to him during sex, hormones are released, and afterwards she is indeed, momentarily less anxious. And with her hyper-hopefulness, she believes they will reconnect during sex and it will heal the current conflict.

The excitement seeking in her that found the pathological’s extraversion attractive is now hitting the wall and causing extreme emotional exhaustion. The adrenaline rush she used to have at his “edginess,” “risk-taking behavior,” or just his extraverted dominance is beginning to burn itself out. The drama, the highs and lows, the daily power struggles, the weekly uncovering of some new lie and the constant fear of being abandoned are all now producing fatigue.

A dichotomy exists between the excitement she still feels with him when the relationship is smooth (which is becoming less frequent) and the utter exhaustion that comes from being in a relationship with a pathological.

The pathological has a remarkable relationship thermometer and when he senses her distress at the relationship that may cause her to give up altogether, the pathological can turn it around by sparking the relationship fires again. For the short term, he may use all the excitement techniques that he knows she likes. The woman rides a roller coaster of adrenaline and fatigue that will last far beyond the time she spends with him.

The exhaustion can also come from not only the emotional roller coaster of life with a pathological but also from the pacing of their lives together. Since many pathologicals need much less sleep than normal people, lack of sleep is likely to catch up with her. The pathological consistently keeps her awake, demanding her company while he watches TV, picks fights, or wants marathon sex. Her diet, exercise, down-time, spiritual practices, and friendships all go by the wayside while her stress levels increase. The fast-paced lifestyle contributes to a total deterioration in her health. Her physical exhaustion can greatly increase her emotional fatigability.

She is now unable to hold her ground against the pathological, and despite the exhaustion, she remains hypnotized, fixated on his extraverted, often very sexual, highly exciting persona.

Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS (this book addresses Ns and Ps together)

Liberty - I HOPE YOU'RE IN THERAPY!!!!! You can't heal the PTSD from these people by yourself.

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CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

Liberty's picture

B-

September 21, 2009 - 6:57pm — Liberty

Hi D,

I have previously read this article and it illuminated many aspects for me, thank you for returning my attention to it as it has made me reflect further on the question posed above.

I had suspected that his extensive tantric training and practice in delaying ejaculation was in service of his need to preserve his self-image as a 'sexual, highly exciting persona.'

I was merely interested in knowing of the personal experiences of others, where applicable.

You want to hear a good joke? I have just left analysis (twice weekly after 10 years ) I'm 33, after my analyst literally insisted I was 'good to go'...

Gosh, coming here is such a blessing I have shifted massively from tears a few hours ago to feeling more strong.

Thanks D for connecting.

Liberty

Barbara's picture

MissM - PTSD

September 21, 2009 - 9:56pm — Barbara (not verified)

you need to find someone who GETS PTSD.

http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?sectionID=5

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck