I ended it. Why does it hurt so much?
Four months ago, I met the man of my dreams...I knew almost straight away that there was something odd about his behaviour, but he was gorgeous and appeared to be all that I desired in a man - so I ignored the alarm bells.
It was whirlwind- he said that he thought we should get married three weeks into our relationship. I told all my friends that I couldn't believe how this man just appeared from no-where-they were all so happy...'You deserve it more than anyone- to be happy, to be loved...' He persuaded me to travel to join him in his home town (at significant cost to me) for a few weeks this summer- I expressed my concerns that it all felt a bit quick, but he allayed my fears with sweet nothings (how true the nothingness proved to be) and so I was swung. First few days he seemed moody but his friends told me that I was the best girlfriend he had ever had and that he is 'sooo proud to show you off' - so I ignored again , the alarm bells - the subtle criticism, the periods of feeling like I didn't exist. Then he changed- sent me off to the beach days in a row on my own telling me when he wanted me back. When I complained he said I should learn to stand on my own.
It got worse until I asked him whether he would prefer it if I checked into a hotel- his response terrified me, he flew into a rage like I have never seen and told me to 'go home' he didn't want to be around me. I was so frightened and begged him to return home with me (we were in a bar) he relented and once home he called me a 'femme fatale' accused me of being fake, cold and someone he didn't know. I couldn't believe what was happening...
By the day 10 he was ill every time we were meant to go out and do stuff together, he barely spoke to me... I felt so worthless and alone. When back I left him and went back, again and again.
Two days ago I ended it. I felt so triumphant and free, but now I feel so sad and unhappy without him. I know this is messed up, my head knows what I suffered was abuse - the punishing silences for hours after I 'dared' to complain, the non-stop pawing of my body that demanded sex- for hours on end until I felt so sore, the infections that he didn't care I had...the acting as though I did not exist.
Why every time my phone bleeps am I hoping it is him, why am I thinking about him all the time, swinging wildly from hatred to feeling tender and missing him.
This feels so painful. I know I'm better off without him- he himself said after I left him for the first time 'I don't deserve you'..only truth he ever uttered, and yet I miss him.
I feel such a nut for missing with my heart that which my head knows was so unhealthy.
Does it get easier? Will I stop pining for him? Will he try and make contact?
Thank you for listening. Sorry, feeling so vulnerable just now and just feel like some support and friends and family just say 'you can do so much better', 'move on' forget about that loser.' They are right of course, but it's not that easy, I don't feel that's where I'm at just now. I feel sad and cried myself to sleep, tears for the realisation that it was abuse and tears because I miss him. This is all so confusing.
Can anyone help me make sense of what I am feeling, please?