I have just written a long post to this forum and I seem to have managed to delete. It may be for the best and I felt better after writing it anyway.
I am so grateful to have found this website this evening. I am familar with 'It's all about Him'. I read it some while ago but I began to doubt myself and forgot about the book. It was so great to be reminded about it again.
I have know my N for four years. I last saw him 2 nights ago. These have easily been the four most painful years of my life. I sometimes just drink alcohol for oblivion and am suffering the effects of a hangover today which always makes things seem worse.
But it's so good to read your stories. It's so wonderful to realise that others have been through all this and recovered. I just don't think I could survive much more of this. It's all there in your stories - the blowing hot and cold, the painful punishments, the absolute disregard for my feeling, the huge financial loss I have had in trying to support him, the humiliations I have felt, loss of friends and dignity and the absolute certainty I have felt for ages that I am insane.
thank you all for your help