The Narcissist's Strange Relationships

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42 years 6 weeks

Posted September 14, 2009 - 6:59pm

by Kathy Krajco

A Narcissist's Strange Relationships

A narcissist's strange relationship with himself has many ramifications for his relationship to others, which is just as warped.

He relates to himself as a fictional character. He also authors the story.

Everyone has a personal narrative, but a narcissist's gives new meaning to the term.

He relates to you as but a character, not a real person.

Now, imagine you're a novelist writing away, and some character comes out on the page telling you that, no, the story doesn't go this way: it goes that way.

Bizarre, eh? Well, in a way, that's what you are doing when you contradict the narcissist's fantasy. He has utter, utter contempt for reality and truth. He is the creator of his own universe, which he makes up on the fly.

No exaggeration.

He is like a little child playing Pretend with her friends. She wants to author the story, and her little friends must just play along. She will stamp her foot and yell at a playmate who doesn't like the role she's assigned him and cry, "NO! You're not supposed to that! You're supposed to do this!"

Narcissists don't dare admit that this is what they're up to with their pathological lying. Probably they repress consciousness of it themselves. But this is what they're doing when they tell you bizarre lies that they (should) know you couldn't possibly believe.

They don't want you to BELIEVE it. They just want you to play along. They just want you act as though it's true. They want you not to contradict their fantasy. For, you make it hard for them to maintain their delusions when you don't play along.

That's all they want.

You are NOTHING but a bit character in a story all about them.

Characters aren't persons. Characters aren't human beings with minds and thoughts and feelings. They are figments. Ask any narcissist what they think you think. They will gape at you as if the question doesn't make sense. You might as well ask him what his screw driver thinks.

One might as well have asked Shakespeare what he thought Hamlet thinks about the play.

Hamlet ain't a person. He's just a character. A caricature. A piece on the author's chess board.

And so are you in the smoke and mirrors of a narcissist's world, which is the Twilight Zone.

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/08/narcissists-strange-relationship...

Script

May 1, 2010 - 11:18am — foolmeonce

The ex N was definitely working from a script. He would ask me questions and I would respond honestly and he would say can't you just say ___. I told him he should just write out a script of what he wanted me to say exactly and it would make things a lot easier. I also told him there was no need to actually have a conversation with me - he could do it all in his head and save us both time.

Great Article

May 1, 2010 - 8:45am — Klarity Belle

I love that imagery of a character leaping out of a page and challenging the N about the direction of his story.

That is what I do on a daily basis to my ex N - they really cannot stomach the light of truth can they - real life vampires!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

the script they work from

May 1, 2010 - 7:23am — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

i knew the psychonarc was working from a script when he would completely forget who i even was.....he once started in on a long drawn out sttack about how i 'trapped' him by getting pregnant and giving birth to our children......

we don't have any children....

This is SO TRUE

April 30, 2010 - 9:55pm — Susan32

My ex-N saw himself in terms of a role... he even said "You don't appreciate my masks." He said that I didn't know the real him, that I had only seen the faux him, so to speak. I told him that that's no way to live, it's easier to be yourself. I had told him,"A happy person doesn't reduce others to tears publicly/a happy person doesn't bully others." After all, he had asked me, "What did you learn?" My response was that he was a lying, arrogant bully... something he didn't want to hear.

I told him that A LOT of my fellow students considered him an inhuman emotionless robot, or a monster. I contrasted myself, saying that I saw him as a human. He threw a fit when I told him that I wanted him to be happy with his fiancee/wife, and that I cared about him. He had thrown a fit when I congratulated him on his engagement. Yep, my sin was failure to follow the script. Too bad he never got a job in LA as an actor. He'd follow the script perfectly.

Susan32

May 1, 2010 - 2:41am — Barbara (not verified)

I was a working actor for years and not all actors are Narc. In fact, the best ones have some empathy & compassion for real. And it shows in their work.

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

Best Actors

May 1, 2010 - 6:05pm — Susan32

I've noticed that too. Some of the best actors are those who are able to empathize. Celebrity culture fosters narcissism--but the ability to empathize makes a convincing performance.

wow!

February 24, 2010 - 7:36pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

i had actually had a one sided conversation with psychonarc about this very thing......i had long felt like i had been cast in some cheap little road show drama...he was the star and the producer and the director and head of casting...and i was an unpaid bit player....and that no matter who had been playing my part...the show would have gone on exactly the same.....it really did seem he was working off a script....and eventually i found out that other people felt the same way...about him..and about others like him.....

Exactamundo!

February 20, 2010 - 3:23pm — Kelly

Before my last ex N/Psycho decided to enter law school, he got a master's in screen writing from a top film school.

He's a film buff who boasts that he is a movie trivia expert.

I guess he dumped me because I just didn't fit the role he has in his head for his leading lady :) Oh well . . .

Film Buff

February 21, 2010 - 5:46pm — agnesmurphy17

Mine was into film & theater. Also, he was very much into eastern philosophies coming out of the Indian & Buddhist traditions. He had 100's of tapes from an ashram which he used to attend. He would listen to these tapes every day when he was at the gym. I realized somewhere along the line that he was a parrot--my N was just repeating sentiments learned in films, plays & the tapes. Also, did extensive family therapy with the first wife. Told me that, in these group therapies, he was considered very sensitive for a man & able to articulate his feelings unlike other men. Also, he read a lot of psychology. Used what he learned there to manipulate people.

Once he told me his ex-wife said that he was an abyss. That's right. The man is a void. When he is alone, he is never still. A workaholic academic. When not doing academic work, he's working on the house. The man was incapable of being still & reflective in himself. The thought of being alone just panicked him. Unstructured time, just taking a walk, puttering around in a new place . . . impossible.

Our so-called honeymoon included a huge itinerary to view ancient monuments, 60 undergraduate & graduate papers, books for his own research & his papers, as well as, scuba diving equipment. Even in the pouring rain, at a lovely beachfront hotel with an open bar, great food inclusive, rather than being together there . . . in the pouring rain I was on the top of an ancient monument above the jungle & in a warm water lagoon floating through a biosphere. Actually, in hindsight, I am so glad I did all those tourist things rather than be alone with my new husband whom I omarried after knowing just 6 months . . . then I wanted to "get to know him." That would have been a waste. But, at least I saw some neat stuff.

That is one thing I can say

April 30, 2010 - 11:50pm — neveragain5

That is one thing I can say is a redeeming quality for them. They fit SO much into their schedule that it's no wonder that some can be successful in their careers. Reading this stuff you wrote, just makes me exhausted thinking about such a packed schedule. My ex definitely would have helped me make the most out of life in the short term. He was quite fun to be with, but all the other crap would not be worth it.

In the future, I will be looking for a normal man that knows what balance is!

My STBX all but admitted

February 19, 2010 - 4:49pm — itreallyisabouthim

My STBX all but admitted this. He had my role all made out for me. And if I had just held still and not made waves everything would have been FINE.

Excellent At Putting It All Into Perspective, And 100% Right

February 17, 2010 - 12:09pm — ForeverLearning

Excellent article at putting the Narcissists world into perspective for the rest of us. And 100% right on the money.

Strange strange stuff, but I have seen it in action.

Weird, absurd, and very immature. But thats how it goes when one stops developing emotionally and stalls out as a child in an adult's body.

My dad says I want my life

February 17, 2010 - 2:44am — Piscesdream

My dad says I want my life to be like the movies. I will admit, I'm a huge dreamer and I LOVE movies. I can see what he's saying: I want to be the leading woman who gets swept off her feet after going through turmoil in life and not really trusting the man at first. It doesn't matter to me about social boundaries, I just want my movie to come to life.

Does that make me a narcissist?

fantasy

February 17, 2010 - 2:50am — Barbara (not verified)

No real narc would care if they were a narc... most of them wouldn't even ask that question. If you were a narc you wouldn't be on this board, either.

however - this does make you dangerously unrealistic and prime target material. Please read both these:

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/11/fantasy-and-its-effec...

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/11/18/victims-engage-dangerous-magic-thin...

Time to join the real world.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Okay, thanks. I guess I'll

February 17, 2010 - 2:54am — Piscesdream

Okay, thanks. I guess I'll have to figure out a way to deprogram myself in my thinking and wishing.

deprogramming

February 17, 2010 - 2:58am — Barbara (not verified)

your therapist should be helping you do this.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Yeah, she's trying. But I

February 17, 2010 - 2:59am — Piscesdream

Yeah, she's trying. But I have a hard time talking about it all (my whole fantasy/movie thing). I feel embarassed about it.

look at it this way

February 17, 2010 - 3:01am — Barbara (not verified)

then this is exactly the sort of thing you need to talk about, because it is making you extremely vulnerable to predation.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Yeah, I definitely see that.

February 17, 2010 - 3:03am — Piscesdream

Yeah, I definitely see that. Which is why my ex narcissist was my knight in shining armour for almost a year. He was perfect for me and exactly what I was looking for in love.

PiscesJNJ

February 17, 2010 - 2:00pm — rache

You can ask your therapist to test you for personality disorders.She should have already did this.

perfect... not

February 17, 2010 - 3:14am — Barbara (not verified)

they make themselves into your fantasy. They aren't perfect - they are hollow, not real, inhuman morphing machines...

its part of their lure - they chat you up - profile you - figure out what you want and become it... like toxic camoflague.

he is ANYTHING but perfect... he's a predator.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Barbara

February 20, 2010 - 1:13am — cynthia (not verified)

I have often wondered this, when they are alone WHO are they and how do they act? My counselor said if you ever saw the REAL person he is it would not be pretty. They act all the time whenever another person is around, They make themselves into your fantasy, they become what you want them to be but they still have a way of always being the one in control

i know the answer to this one!!

February 24, 2010 - 7:48pm — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

i had wondered myself what they are like when they are all alone......so i videotaped him...with a little spy camera.......like Barbara's old boyfriend....he sat on the bed...staring into space.....he also muttered to himself...and picked his ears and his nose....not too dramatic...but certainly disgusting...

cynthia

February 20, 2010 - 3:41am — Barbara (not verified)

I have had glimpses of the evil when they are alone... in my all-too-numerous relationships with many of these creatures... and that's correct - it ain't pretty.

When the sociopath I dated in college was alone... he was really bizarre... just would stare into space. He always had an entourage and spent most of his time putting other people down or making fun.

My NarcMother was all about appearances... once when I was quite ill I threw up in the hall & then passed out... her response "MY CARPET!!!" (shrieking...) I woke up to her standing over me still screaming "MY CARPET!!!"

This above was replayed to me years later when, after the first time I was intimate with Psycho-Boy - he caused vaginal bruising and I bled all over him. He ripped the comforter off his bed and was very angry - immediately stomped off to the laundry room to put it in the wash. I left soon after - and he NEVER bothered to find out if I was o.k. - even days later. At the time I chalked it up to being very young - but no - it was complete lack of empathy.

ExNH is completely self-obsessed. He reads books on training & exercise or religious tracts. He makes plans that take no one into consideration but himself.

If you stand close enough to these guy's heads - you'll hear the ocean...

Lights are on by no one's home... at least no one HUMAN.

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

I hear that Barbara

February 20, 2010 - 1:40pm — rache

My ex N was always putting others down=even his OWN family=sister,bro,son,his wife etc,my family and me!

mine maintains a memebership

February 20, 2010 - 12:40pm — M

mine maintains a memebership at an expensive private club though he is broke!

mine maintains a memebership

February 20, 2010 - 12:40pm — M

mine maintains a memebership at an expensive private club though he is broke!

Like an

February 19, 2010 - 4:39pm — rache

ALIEN morphing into a human being.

A Narcissist's Strange Relationships

February 17, 2010 - 2:41am — Barbara (not verified)

READ TOP POST

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

narc mother

February 21, 2010 - 11:55pm — helpmefromn

I have a similar story -- I crashed the Cadilliac and my Narc dad said some nice things while I laid in the hospital while my Narc mother complained the whole time that I crashed the car. Bitch

N's family

February 22, 2010 - 12:49am — M

After learning so much about NPD, I see it in his family.
His Mom, Dad, him & youngest sister all have NPD. And I see it implemented in the next generation. The elder sister must recognize it on one level---she keeps family contact to a minimum...but she married an N.
This N epidemic is worse than the H1N1. Too bad there isn't a shot for NPD.

That is so amazing

February 22, 2010 - 1:27am — no more

My Ns family are all Ns too. His only sister has very minimal contact with the family.

Unfortunately though his daughter is in a bad place right now with him. He left his ex wife when she was 15 [she is now 22] and all he does is crtiicize her and that makes me feel so bad because the girl needs her dad. I used to tell him she needs his support but he treats her like an object too. As a result she is staying away from him. I don't understand how parents can alienate their children like that.

He has a son too and he is definitely not an N. Thank GOD.
I hope and pray they have their Mom's influence. Yet he used to say she was not a good mom???????? He never ever had his kids for visitation because he moved back home with N Daddy and N Mommy. And there was no room for the Grandchildren to come for a night ???????

Ns

February 22, 2010 - 8:18am — Barbara (not verified)

Ns usually don't marry Ns. You usually have an N and an N-abler, or BPD. Either way - its all bad news

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

N's fictionalize their self

February 17, 2010 - 12:57pm — peacewarrior

N's fictionalize their self and accordingly assign a variety of fiction to othersaka pathalogical lies to support their pretense du jour. Sometimes a true or real life person as they are conincidently will shore up their acting out.

Once the N/P demanded everyone in the family put on raggedy stained and ripped clothing dictating "all the people" in a small sea side town were "predators" after the "rich people's money" and delusional he "fooled them" he's a blue collar worker, one of them. he ordered a daughter to change her clothes (her causual attire) to go to the local market.

The youngest said the N seems to think people only see what he wants them to: a big tear in his shorts, dirt on his hat, stain on the t shirt as if they won't notice his t shirt says "Vail CO", his hat says "Annapolis Sailing School" and he's driving a Mercedes"!

I came to call it "Theatre of the Absurds" pathalogicl Drama. I stepped out and to observe from a 'set in the audience" to fleeing the theatrics of pathology.

It upset me that the N drastically altered people's identities inclusive of long term friends, their children our family had strong ties with for 14 years or more casting them in his mirror to deleting they ever existed and even as "pathaogicals..engaging people in pathalogical lies to get all the money". He did the same to the family dentist casting the dentist as "a mentally ill person who engages pathalogical lies to get all the money" falsifying records. Everyone is a target, an object in the mirror including the family doctor. Oh yes...those people in labs, pathalogical liars too lying people have diseases and illnesses they don't to "get all the money".Will the real socipath/depraved PD please stand up.

lol..the psychiatrist I saw for my recovery told me he'd not ever seen anything like the subpoenas etc. the exN/P bombarded him with.

I have to say I totally agree with this top post, and all above

February 24, 2010 - 11:10pm — Amazed

This is so true, so insightful,,their narcissitic rages,,they are not like "normal" rages when someone is honestly mad about something,,the N rages are really like an actor or that of a child, they are in a world of their own, and very childish.

They unleash at the weirdest of moments, and it is not really connected to anything..so true about the acting..if you do not play along with their script, it is like you are out of a part. No feelings lost, you are just out of the role,,next.

This is so incredibly true.

Thank you for this post,,you will help keep me on track.

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The Narcissist's Strange Relationships