I am freshly out of an abusive marriage with a person I've come to realize through reading this forum and the Sanctuary for the Abused blog, is a narcissist. We had been together for 12 years, married 7 1/2 years, and have 2 daughters. He was arrested 2 weeks ago for domestic violence and there is a no contact order for 1 year, and I am in the process of getting a civil protection order for 5 years (if possible).
I am trying to heal from the psychological fallout, the memories, etc, and it is a very difficult process. What is not helping is that my mom just moved in with me (a few months ago actually, while my husband was still here). She is very religious. She feels it necessary to tell me that I was wrong for dating and marrying an "unsaved" man. She is constantly reminding me that my pain could have been avoided had I been closer to God, or confided in her more so she could tell me what God would've had me do or not do. She criticized me this morning because she felt it was wrong for me to have gone out a week ago with one of my best girlfriends to an "unsaved" establishment to go dance for a couple of hours. She feels I'm challenging her, and in essence God, when I explain that I didn't engage in any drinking or reckless behavior. She feels I'm challenging her when I explain to her why I tried to make things work with my husband, how I thought that since the Bible teaches us to use love especially toward those who do not show it to us. I am not trying to argue with her, I am only giving her reasons why things went on for as long as they did. She is always telling me that it never would have been her, she never would've allowed anyone to treat her that way, no man ever treated her that way, and all it does is make me feel bad. When I cannot handle the barrage of religious insights, and lectures, I tell her calmly that I cannot handle the conversation right now, and I need to end it and go take some time to myself. She tries to order me to come back, tells me I'm stubborn, and that this is why things turned out so badly for me. She tells me that even my desire to move out when I turned 22 was a bad decision because there is no reason why a "saved" young woman should move out of her mother's home unless she is trying to engage in sinful behavior.
I don't know what to do. It's hard enough trying to deal with all the pain of my abusive marriage without getting lectured, and then told if I respected her like the bible tells me to, that I would listen to and agree with her. I love her and know she thinks she means well, but it feels like I am trading one situation for another. I think another reason I stayed with my husband as long, is because I knew that to get on my feet, I would have to move in with her or let her move in with me (to help watch the kids while I work, she gets alimony and does not work, so she is more than happy to watch my girls). She is quite assertive by nature, and my husband knew that, and would always pretend that he understood me in a way she didn't, he knew she and I would disagree about certain issues, and he reminded me that at least with him, my girls would get to be around their father.
I am at a loss. If anyone has any suggestions or advice, please tell me. I think I'm starting to realize why it was so easy for me to get into a relationship with someone like my husband. I always assumed it had to have been an issue with my father in some way, but now I see that maybe it was my mom.