22yearsgoneby's story

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#1 Aug 27 - 1AM
admin
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22yearsgoneby's story

I cannot believe I have found the answers to my life story. 18 years of marriage, 2 kids , 2 known affairs, - and now he has left for the third time. Different this time - it is like I am dead - no phone calls, checking how I am -nothing.

But he has suddenly turned into father of the year - lives within two blocks of us and he is around all the time now. He is a workaholic and was never home - says he was avoiding the marriage. But I sensed he never really liked the routine of family life anyway.

Now he is obsessed with my son - not so much our daughter. I have also seen him on the street with the affair person from 13 years ago - is this typical? Do they go back to old relationships?

He has made a considerable amount of money I never knew about and invested it as he wished. Amazing for a guy I helped pay child support to his ex for 18 years. Never offered me a dime to get something I wanted. Has tried to join a notorious motorcycle club -lies and denies anything I remind him of having said. Broken promise after broken promise. He has told me he loves me more than when we first met - he just doesn't understand why he doesn't want to be with me. Then, another time he tells me I was a good business deal - good job, housekeeper , cook - loyal, etc . Now he claims he is filing for a divorce - will he really do this? I am so afraid of losing him for good.

There is a therapist in our area who has a new book out and claims some success rate in change - but we need leverage to motivate the narcissist - the fear of losing us completely. I have counseled with her and she has assessed my husband as "maladaptive narcissism".

I see all our stories are the same thread - mine is not violent - charming to a fault when he wants - so you get sucked in. I am not a stupid woman and I am so relieved to know this was so much more than a marriage problem . But it doesn't help with how all this has left me feeling - so many wasted years, betrayal - probably more than I know about,no self esteem, lonly , abandoned, and I invested so, so much.

What should I expect? Will he return again - someone please help me with this - I cry every day , cannot sleep well - depressed. I need to be here for my kids - they have been through enough.

Nov 15 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

afraid to lose him for good?

You never had him. He had you. If he's gone for good it's because he's sucked you dry like a lemon & tossed you. He's probably got some other woman lined up. He'll be back if she pans out. Do not take him back. And he will never change. Don't waste another minute. Take your life back. Don't give it to him to squander.
Sep 3 - 10AM
nhtmf
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Grief

Dearest 22, it sounds like you're going through the process of grief. In this case? the loss of years and mostly the relationship? $$$$? 22 please, please look forward. With open eyes. Go no contact, completely. Please. You are not missing anything from a horrible past because it was horrible. It might sound cliche but what will today, tomorrow, next month, year, etc. hold for you. Freedom from your N. I use the term "your" loosely because he was never yours to begin with. Be glad he's gone. Relish the thought of the knowledge you've acquired and look in the mirror and know in your heart that you are wonderful. If you weren't you probably wouldn't have been a target for an N in the first place!!! Love yourself again (a long process, I know). The past needs to be left there, in the past, where it belongs. Promise you will do just one nice thing for yourself today......even if its just sweeping the front porch you'll have accomplished something to be happy about and the exercise might just help you forget for a bit. Hey, you may even get to say hello and meet a new friend while you're out there sweeping. This world is full of wonderful people and they're just waiting to meet you and treat you with kindness and consideration. Take care, NHTMF (Deb)
Aug 28 - 12PM
dolce (not verified)
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motivate the N?

Motivate him to change you mean??? It will NEVER happen. You may need a new therapist who understands this. Is it typical to return to old relationships? YES! OF COURSE! If he has no supply at the time he will go anywhere for it. Read up here and you will learn a lot. You are so afraid of losing him for good? Which "him"? The one who treated you so badly or the pretend "him".?