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nhtmf"s story

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#1 Aug 23 - 5PM
nhtmf
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nhtmf"s story

I was with an N for three years on and off. I kept kicking him out and taking him back. All who know me were shocked at my behavior because I've never tolerated bad behavior before in any man.

Like all of us I got "snookered" and didn't know what was happening to me, just that I was not the happy go lucky person I had been for 52 years. I kicked him out for the last time after I stumbled upon Abuse Sanctuary website. I was in counseling and getting nowhere. Through the website I was reading about my life !!!! I had a name to put on this craziness. I kept reading and stopped counseling.

I put my house up for sale because I couldn't stand running into the N all the time. I'm in a better place now and am just beginning to feel the fear of what I'd been through and where I will go from here. I'd rather feel that than what I felt being with an N. Well this leads up to one thing basically... when I'm having a bad day and think of the N or crave contact,(I've been NC since I kicked him out)

I realize that I am glamorizing his life in my own mind. As soon as I realize this I know that even though he's probably "honeymooning" some else now that his relationships will always turn to garbage. I in turn glamorize my life.

Hey, I'm in a new place, will meet new people, I am smarter now and even though I never meant a thing to him emotionally I know he's glamorizing my life in his mind!!!!! He knows nothing of what I'm up to but I know he's on the hamster wheel doing the same things over and over.

I have the ability to live happily as I did before I met him and I will!!! No, I'm not fooling myself either. He was calling me up to the time I disconnected the phone(I never answered then)and I won't now if he tracks me down. No contact and no glamorizing his relationships with other women will be the first step to healing with maybe a subtle bit of revenge that does not hurt you in the least. Take care.

We will all have bad days but don't glamorize anything about him or your past relationship with him. Starve the vampire that an N is and starve that vampire that is within you taking away your happiness because you had the misfortune of loving an N...

Deb

Sep 6 - 1PM
nhtmf
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On A Lighter Note

I feel humor does help, even though we're all going through the "horrors". This is what I repeat to myself when I'm having a "needy" day: MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR TURNED OUT TO BE A LOSER IN TINFOIL. It puts things back into perspective for me. Anyone else have a saying to share? When I'm having a good, happy and strong day: To self.....I have brass ovaries so watch out !!!!!!!! Deb
Aug 25 - 10AM
dolce (not verified)
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sounds healthy

Sounds to me like you did some wonderful things for yourself. I admire that.
Aug 29 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
nhtmf
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Long Time Coming

Dolce, yes I did turn my life upside down or should I say right side up after the N period of my life. I can't say I stayed too long but rather I stayed for as long as I needed to in order for me to fully recognize and analyze his crazy behavior and to then be free from this sickness. If in fact he would not have been an N he would have listened to me and known that I had lived all over the country and that I buy, fix and sell homes for profit while living in them. I travel light and am independent as all get out. I know not everyone feels that they can't start over as easily as I did, family and friends, etc. but this is how I personally got me back. I am not well yet and I think about him every day but never have to see him again. I know he will never leave his 10 mile radius from where he lives because he is the biggest "pussy" I've ever met. I too, like others, thought he was gay. Still sometimes wonder about that. We slept apart for most of our relationship, Me a Madonna?, LOL and during that time he ruined the matress that he was sleeping on by crapping in his bed and sleeping in it!!! I never knew this until I kicked him out the last time and he stripped the bed and it was covered in SH!t !!!! Has anyone else experienced this? It boggles the mind. Would like feedback from anyone else who has been through this disgusting behavior or was I just one of the lucky ones? Deb
Aug 23 - 7PM
James (not verified)
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Deb

Thanks so much for sharing and in your words are wisdom and Truth! Thanks again and welcome! http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Aug 29 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
nhtmf
nhtmf's picture

I cried

Hello, James I cried at your welcoming me to this site. It feels like home now that I'm here but it took a lot to write down my first post. Wisdom and truth are the by-products of leaving an N. Have to find that silver lining. I've always lived that way. How great it is now to know that I am free to run like hell when I recognize an N that tries to enter my life. I can almost pity the next one, well maybe not, but I will crush him well before he rapes my brain. N's beware of this woman...............Deb
Aug 29 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Deb

Truly this is a club no one wants to be a member of but here we found ourselves one by one. I too thank God for these sites and forums for it's a place to turn too if ever one needs too. Knowledge is power and thank God these sites carry with them one hell of a punch! Strong enough to break the spell and clear the dysfunctional fog many of us found ourselves in.
Sep 17 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
nhtmf
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The Gift

The gift that keeps on giving....... Yesterday was 6 months for me of no contact. He calls and blocks the caller ID but I know its him. Ewww, I can feel it. Plus the last 2 calls came on my "trigger" day, a Thursday. Bozoboy's day off. Hmm, like I'm stupid, right? One time he even whislted a little tune, cute huh? In almost 3 years I can count (fingers only) the times we (he) had sex. Then like a lot of the cerebrals, no touching !!!! OH, BTW, I "took" too long so I wasn't worthy of his satisfying me. Mr. 2 second man himself......Anyway, 6 months NC, great huh? Also yesterday had an appointment with a psychologist and yup, you probably guessed it, full blown PTSD is the diagnosis. Recommended 6 months dual couseling and then continue another 6 months with just counselor, TO START !!!! No wonder we can't forget these freaks. Even with no contact they still are bestowing their gifts on us.