NEED HELP LEAVING THE N
May I start off saying, thank you to all of you. This website has been the best thing that has happened to me!!! I have sat here for HOURS reading through your stories. It has taken me so long to figure out what my partner has, for months i read pages and pages of Borderline Personality Disorder sites - even though he fits most of the categories it still seemed to be a bit off. Once i stumbled accross NPD I almost fell off my chair! He is a textbook Cerebral N!!
You are all such strong, beautiful women and have given me the knowledge and power to be the same.
I have made the decision to leave my N after 1 1/2 years of absolute hell. I can relate to SO many things on here - the relationship started off wonderful, he was WAY too good to be true. The cracks soon started appearing and well here I am.
What has pushed me to my absolute limits is the fact I have just found he has a massive porn addiction. I have never understood him and why he does things, but this has just topped it off. After throwing myself at him constantly it all came to a head when i found out that one morning after I had tried EVERYTHING to get him to make love to me - I left for work and hadn't been out the door for 5 minutes before he was watching pornographic videos and having his way with himself. It makes me sick to the stomach. I have felt many feelings of hurt/unworthiness etc through our relationship, but nothing like this.
I could go on for hours about his behaviour. The thing I have come here for advice on is HOW DO YOU LEAVE THEM??
I feel somewhat responsible for him, he depends on me for almost everything and recently admitted to wanting to kill himself late last year due to financial strain (funny how this was only brought up when I was questioning him about something he had done to me)
I have an unbelievable feeling of guilt and worry that he may actually harm himself when i do it, I am so scared and don't know if i will be able to cope. I am sure you understand how confused I am - I want out of this relationship NOW. I am happy to go no contact, I have the best family/friends support network who are all in the wings waiting for me to come back to my old life again - but I can not fathom how I am going to be strong enough to tell him enough is enough and walk away.
Is it okay to write a letter? Do you explain to them how they have made you feel? Do you try and tell them that they are so EFFED up and need help? I just want to be able to get on with my life the easiest way that i can without any guilt or confusion with the way i have ended it.
I hope this makes sense, I am babbling a bit - but really just after some input or stories on other people experiences of leaving and suggestions on what i could do.
Thank you kindly, take care x