Once again coming to this site has given me strength. I haven't been posting much due to work obligations. I can scarcely keep up which is a far cry from where I was just a year ago after D&D happened. I had $55.00 in the bank and was begging for work even did temp work to get myself back on track. It has been a floodgate since which I'm so so grateful for. But I have missed reading the posts and hope everyone has been making progress to find healing.

It was exactly a year ago for me when it came to an end. It's hard to say where I am in my healing. Today I don't feel anger or sadness, though I did feel a little lonely. I don't miss him or even his pretend self. I miss feeling loved and special that his pretend self created but not him. Hopefully one day when I'm ready I can experience that once again but have it be the real thing. So I cry when I remember those feelings, I no longer cry over him. He has helped in that aspect too by being nasty to me. I have done nothing to him but let him go as he wished. He stopped by to drop something off that was mine, something that didn't matter much to me. I was in the middle of setting up my backyard for a BBQ with friends and family. When he was leaving he remarked it must be nice to be surrounded by people who love you. It was the way he said it and the way he looked at me. He was glaring and full of rage. So unlike the person I originally met. He has the most wonderful smile that would just make my heart skip when it was for me. This angry hate filled person I know is who he really is. He's always described himself as a happy go lucky, laid back guy; he is anything but. It made me feel grateful I never moved in with him. I have no idea how so many others can cope with living with their Ns this was hard enough. Imagine this very angry man is now on Match.com. So for anyone thinking of internet dating beware!!!! This man is full of rage, he abuses medications, out of work, porn addict, big time liar. I can't imagine what his profile must read. But multiply him by the number of men on there and you have a psycho ward. Not to say there isn't a decent one or two but that number I'm sure is very small.

So for you, Lisa and all who post here thank you. For sharing your stories, encouragement and inspirational words. They have helped me be strong so I can continue to heal. I may not be able to post for some time but you are all in my prayers that you find the strength to get out of and stay out of painful or dangerous situations. Read all these articles and find a way to escape from these horrible people. There is a better life for everyone and it is well deserved.

Be well.

Everyday I remind myself that he was a pathological narcissist who targeted me as his victim and that's all it was.

Trying to figure out the "whys" is a waste of time and will not give me closure. There are some things that are addictive, feel very good but are toxic and bad for you. A Narcissist in your life is one of them. Since realizing this it has been easier to let go. I've already wasted 7 years on his misery-- being in various stages of his N cycle.

You said it perfectly.."life is short".. I don't want to give my N another day. It is time for me to move on to better days, even if they are alone (hopefully that won't always be)

Thanks for your support and this wonderful site. I no longer feel so alone and isolated--it has been so helpful to me on this journey and will continue to be.

...thanks, Lisa. I believe that these horrible things happen to us so that we might one day have the strength and resilience to help others make it through. *hug*

But you must grieve. You must allow yourself to mourn him. When you do, it is gut-wrenching and painful. This may be where you're at right now. If so, I know it feels like the pain will never end, but trust me, it will as long as you allow yourself to grieve. It will take time, but you have to get it out. Don't be afraid to cry as often as you need. It's cathartic and necessary in order for you to move on.

How very true, I remember in the beginning how I allow myself (yes, I told myself too) time each day to grieve cry and display anger. I took myself alone to a open space and gave myself this gift of grief allowing it to flow out of me. Whenever we allow ourselves to grieve and mourn we allow ourselves also to heal and move on. So yes, Lisa, we need to give ourselves this gift of lost and then learn to heal and move on to a better and more emotionally productive life style.

Thanks so much for your insight and passion.

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/