I beat my *N* at his own game.....but now?

I beat my *N* at his own game.....but now?
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Hello everyone....I just found this site and I love it. I am several months into the end of my nine month "relationship" with my N. I finally got a good one in on him. You see, I realized early on that he was a textbook N. So instead of getting completely caught up with him I kinda started playing his game but acting clueless. He pulled all kinds of crap to set me off. Terrible and cruel things and I just acted like nothing ever happened......i never acknowledged anything, never complained and never demanded to know anything. I just kept my mouth shut and let him play his games. I was always loving and accepting of him. Im sure this drove him nuts.

My N had a big issue with money. From the start he would brag to me about how he could get women to do anything. He told me of how he would order his and his ex-wife's meals on seperate checks, he made her give him her paycheck and so on. He also said that women take him out for lunch and dinner and give him things just for the pleasure of being with him. He would say they had to pay the "penis bill". Do you see why I figured him out so quickly? So I decided early on that money was my line in the sand. I refused to pay for anything. I wouldn't make it into a demand I would just act as though I couldn't go out if I was going to have to pay. He bitched and moaned about it all of the time but he paid for every single thing during our entire ordeal. He made threats that he would leave if I didn't start paying for things and showing the world how much I loved my man via money.

So, how I got him good. One day (not so long ago I have to admit) he told me that he had been thinking about things and that being with me was full of disadvantages for him so he was breaking up with me (again, like Im not used to it by now). He said that he didn't want to be around my family beacuse they didn't like him and he didn't have to subject himself to such. This time I had grown bored of his crap so I said, "ok, it makes sense to me. Thanks for all the free stuff and the free sex.

OMG.....he was furious! He is so mad at me now that he can't function. I had to block him from my phone and my email. This weekend he drove by my house (over 45 miles away), saw a truck in my driveway and went to corner store and called me. He said "well, i thought you would wait a week before you moved on. I have a new girlfriend and guess what, she picks up the check. If you knew how to do that I'd still be with you"...and on and on and on until he hung up. I have to say that It felt soooo good to get a good lick in on him but now he is completely obsessed.

Word to the wise...don't piss your N off, they really can't deal with loosing. Now I have created a bigger monster....he's obsessed. And for what it's worth, I never used him for free stuff. I was very much in love with him. I wanted to spend my life with him, even after I learn what he really was. Now I have learned that is not possible for us. Im not willing to live the way I did during the time we were together. Life is too short to let a sick bastard ruin everything you've built.

Lisa E. Scott's picture

Beachcolors

Wow, I'm impressed with how quickly you saw through him and how calmly you managed the situation. You didn't let your emotions get to you, anticipated his next move and struck back. I will admit to getting a big smile on my face when reading your comeback to him when he ended it. Brilliant. Very well played.

However, like you said and I think we all agree, it's dangerous to upset them like that. Narcissists have incredible rage because it's one of the only two feelings they can experience. Narcissists only experience anger and fear because they are the primal feelings we all need in order to survive.

The thing is, when they feel it, they really feel it and they are very prone to rage uncontrollably. We must always be careful when exposing them or confronting them in any way. They become more dangerous. I hope you have established NO CONTACT now. It's the best way to deal with a narcissist.

Welcome to our forum! We're so glad you're here! Big Hugs, Lisa

Beachcolors's picture

No Contact

I did implement another No Contact rule about three weeks ago. I blocked his email and all his numbers from my cell and now he has started driving by my house and calling me from different businesses in town.

When he calls he says things like "I just called to tell you that I don't want to be with you so stay away" or if someone is at my house he says "I see you moved on already, I thought you said you loved me and now your with another man".

He is truly disturbed! He never loved me and never wanted me but now pretends that he is hurt in some way...please.

insectt's picture

they are all the same..

I was out at the same place as my N (who was with HIS new NS).

I did not look at them or speak to them or anything (odd really when we were supposed to be 'best friends' and we still live together).

So, I am watching my freinds band and he sends me a text saying "No drama. I haven't been with (indert his ex's name here) for like two months now"

So, I am thinking WTF?! I didn't even look at them or say antyhing to him and his new girl. I ignore it for a while then I text back "Stop bothering me. I am not bothering you."

So, an hour later, he sends me ANOTHER text. "I'm just saying. No drama. Me and (insert ex's name here) haven't done anything (sexually) in a long time." ((Which I KNOW is a lie but it is not my problem so it's none of my business)).

I text back. "Please. Leave me alone." And he texts back "K"

Geeeeeeze. He is so obsessed with not losing this new girl, that his mind is fabricating some sort of perceived 'drama' that his new NS will find out about his REAL past (as opposed to what he has told her).

They are just self-centered. Him claiming to be monogomous with this new girl will still not change his self centeredness. I doubt his pathology of not being able to sustain a healthy adult relationship will suddenly 'disappear' to make it work with her. Being monogomous does not = stop being self centered, always being right and never dong anything wrong.

Marie's picture

Beachcolors

High five, loved your post but definitely wouldn't encourage anyone to mess with an N. When I started getting tired of his nonsense I would do things too that I knew would push his buttons. I know he broke at least two cell phones. It worked to get rid of him for a week or two but he'd always come back unfortunately.

I would definitely watch my back no telling what he might do. Even if they've never shown aggression before I'd be careful. There are so many things I could do to mess him up but don't. Happy he seems content with his new prey and is leaving me to go on with my life.

April's picture

Psychological warfare

I admit at the end of my bondage with N and the veil was being lifted, I momentarily "fought back". It was sorta unconscious, but I wounded his ego hard, really hard! I knew his buttons and proceeded to hit them. The angry sense of entitlement wanted revenge and was soooo f***in angry for the deceit and the control he tried to place over me. I remember driving to his house thinking, "Oh you want to play, do you?" "Bring it!" "I got your ass this time." I even dressed for the occassion in my bitch boots and over the top makeup. I laugh now at the insanity and immaturity. I was playing a dangerous game. I sunk really to the bottom of where I had ever been. This wasn't me, it was a demoralized, devalued woman on a mission. Oh, I knew it was unhealthy, but I didn't care for the moment. It gave me a moment of feeling in control and carrying out some revenge fantasy. You know, I got about half way through my little plan, pulled out my psychological amory, fired a couple of shots, and stopped. He literally looked like he had been hit by a bullet. I knew EXACTLY how to get him. I couldn't do it. I don't wound people. I don't toy with people for the hell of it, regardless of what he had done to me. If i had stayed in it, I would've been a vulnerable wounded mess and intermittenly I would've fought back. I immediately apologized for my bad behavior and thought, "My God, what have I become." I was really ashamed. I hit below the belt. I praised him at the beginning of our encounter and than after a few drinks began slowly building with insults, and stopped just before I knew he might cry. He was nearly rendered defenseless. While none of it was a lie, it was way out of line for me. You know what is funny; he was almost turned on. He liked/hated the abuse. That is a psychologcial case study. He wanted me so bad he couldn't see straight. Very very odd. Ahh ha, the abuser had known abuse and "got off" on it, yet was so flippin mad that someone turned it around on him. Ashamed, I ended it the next day. No way, I was not going to stoop to his level. It takes too much energy and so much negative energy at that. That was probably the meanest and most manipulative thing I have ever done. Of course, he had done 10X worse, but it didn't excuse me. I fantasized of many other ways for revenge, but chose to carry none of them out. I maintain no contact and my best revenge is my own success. My life being rebuilt is the best thing I can do.

Beachcolors's picture

Yes....getting them with a

Yes....getting them with a good hit is so rewarding, but only for a little while. It does feel good to exercise our own power but deep down we are just not like them. We actually have feelings and a soul, hurting people doesn't feel good to us so our victory is short lived. But don't get me wrong, I would pull my trick again if I had it to do over.

I hate to admit it but it was my only shinning moment of glory in our "relationship". But sometimes that little victory is the first step in moving forward or the last step of the cycle. Your right, living good is the best revenge.

Debra's picture

Playing his game and doing it better.

I think it is great that you were able to see what he was and did to him what he was trying to do to you. You beat him at his own game!

At the end of my relationship I knew exactly what he was and did to him what he did to me. I know he thinks I am going to break down and call him like I did after the other d&d's but this time I have absolutely no desire to do so.

I have left him wondering if he left me, or did I leave him. I know it is making him crazy. And if it's not, it's just as good, believing he is. (crazy & miserable)

Beachcolors's picture

James...i agree

Looking back....i should have just stopped all contact with him after our first big "breakup" at the end of 2008. Since that time he has played this game of trying to come back just so he can leave again and cause havoc.

Giving him even a small avenue for conversations just ensured that he would press forward with getting me back into his web. I was strong enough to come out with little damage but it was so hard. He was so good he almost had me. In the end he choose the wrong target but had I been younger or in a different frame of mind he would have chewed me up and spit me out! I know I was lucky.

James's picture

Ditto Beachcolors

Beachcolors,

I too have my “should have” days.

Strange how it's so easy to get connected with these people to only found out how hard it becomes to disconnect with them!

Of course this is all part of the “game plan” all along with them. Which is why education is the key in my book. If one knows what to look for then it will give that person a “early exit” from a toxic relationship before a lot of damage is done. Many of us talk about “damage control” whenever we are around and/or are involved with these types of people. Some of us are connected in ways that NC isn’t possible so what one needs then is both distance and some kind of understanding on “damage control”.

Yes, Beachcolors, I too have my “should have” days as well as my “if I only knew” days..
http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

James's picture

The deadly Game

Beachcolors

Thanks for sharing and it’s been a very interesting thread.

You point out two important factors both which I think are indeed very wise to pass on.

1) You see, I realized early on that he was a textbook N. So instead of getting completely caught up with him I kinda started playing his game but acting clueless.

Again this statement bring us back to the importants are being informed and educated on the subject of a Cluster B Personality Disorder. If one know what one is dealing with it can give great insight in how to deal with them. This is why we must all do our part in helping the general public to know about the disorder and what to look for whenever one feel that they too might be involved with one.

2) Word to the wise...don't piss your N off, they really can't deal with loosing. Now I have created a bigger monster....he's obsessed.

Whenever we try to manage them we are in fact playing a very dangerous game. Their entire persona is build on lies and manipulation. Most of been playing this game long before we came on the scene and they are very good at it. Also like Beachcolors points out it can backfire on you and will make things worst over time for you and not better. This is one reason many of us tell victims to “act bored or drained” giving the Nar the impression of winning and losing nothing. Most will simply start to look for other supply and for awhile anyway leave you alone. This time out will give you a chance to plan ahead and heal for the time. Of course there is never going to be closure and you will just be put on the backburner for awhile but still anytime away from your abuser is a positive factor and will benefit you.

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

Mar1e101's picture

The Deadly Game

Mar1e101

I cannot do that, I don't know how to play the game. I am afraid of the N's in my life, it feels like they are killing me inside out. I would hate to say what fears I have, cause they use those fears and use them against you. I am learning to not share too much of me with people in general cause anyone of them could be an N.

Right now, I am feeling really sad and lonely not being able to share with people in my 3-D life because of all the betrayal.

I just get this feeling that tells me not too. I would love to know how to talk to N without getting caught up in fact finding about buttons or the game that they can use against me.

Thanks James

quietude's picture

beachcolors

*double post*

quietude's picture

beachcolors

I am ashamed to say I sat back and read your post with great delight! lol
Very good for not letting withdrawl anymore from your emotional account!

tina's picture

Smart Girl

Hooray for you for being able to see what he is truly like.
You are correct friend, life is too short to let ANYONE ruin it for us. Stay strong!