Lisa E. Scott

He's Happy Now. Will I EVER be Happy Too??

He's Happy Now. Will I EVER be Happy Too??
Posted Sat, 07/18/2009 - 13:35

by Sandra Brown, MA

There is a lot of distortions that go on about the pathological man's ability to 'be happy.' One of the issues of permanent personality disorders and pathology is that at the core of them is a lot of unhappiness. That is why they have so many angry outbursts, attitude problems, and failed relationships.

Some of them 'fake' the external appearance of 'happy-go-luck' or act as if their lives are fine. Women need to look below the 'presentation.' Part of the problem for women is they tend to believe 'at face value' his presentation. That's why she fell for it the first time in getting in the relationship with him. Then she falls for it a second time when she believes his external presentation of his 'life without her in it.'

I chanted it like a mantra so I'll continue to say it, "Nothing changes in pathology because it's hard-wired to not change." So if he was horrible with you, he'll be horrible with her (eventually). If he was at the core of himself, miserable/ unhappy/ unsuccessful NOTHING will change. Go deeper than looking at this flash-in-the-pan faux presentation that he WANTS you to see and then feel bad you are not with him. Psychopathology does not change. Not now, not with someone, not ever. He's in a honeymoon phase with her just like he was with you.

BUT the real question is will YOU ever be happy again? Women misread their ability to be happy in the future because they are all wrapped up in STILL watching him, rating him, gauging his happiness against hers. Why are you STILL watching him? What in the world does he have to do with YOUR future happiness? The longer you watch him, the more miserable you stay and the longer you postpone your own joy.

Some of the women's biggest fears is that he will go on and have this fabulous life and 'be good to another woman' and she will never meet anyone.

A.) He won't treat someone well -- he's not capable. That IS pathology -- the inability to change, grow, or develop insight about your own behavior.

B.) You have the capacity to get a better relationship but you're using all your energy on still watching him over your shoulder and worrying about HER fun with HIM.

What healthy guy wants to be with a woman who is obsessed with a pathological man? Her eyes are not on THEIR new emerging relationship but on what he's doing next. She's filled with regret and revenge -- not really good material for a new relationship, eh?

It IS understandable why you are angry as he 'appears' to be happy with someone else and you are not. But everything in a pathological's life is an 'illusion.' You KNOW that by now. It is also understandable after what you have lived through that you 'wonder' if you'll always pick pathologicals, if you're too damaged to ever have a healthy relationship, if you are even CAPABLE of feeling joy...

Those are totally normal questions considering what you've been through. But finding those answers for yourself is not found in the glancing over your shoulder at him. There's no going back. 'Drag an ax and clear a path' into your future. Work on yourself (let us help you!) so you understand 'why' you choose someone like that, 'how' you ignored so many red flags, and 'understand' your own personality traits that leave you vulnerable for relationships like that. Then, when you've done all the work, LIVE.

Do not search it out on internet dating sites where PREDATORS live. Just live a joyful life and allow that health, vibrance, and joy to direct you. It's when you aren't seeking that you find that which you have been waiting for. A man is not the 'cake' -- a relationship is only the icing on the cake of a good life.

Heal you, get a great life... and the rest will fall into place. I guarantee if you do those things, you will be happy and that's what life is all about. My mother when she was dying said "I'm not afraid to die because I've lived a great life. I've had so much fun and I've been so loved. Who could ask for more?"

http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

‹ Narc Parents = Bad Friend Choices Narcs and THEIR obsessive thinking. ›

I just read this again. "Do

Fri, 06/04/2010 - 08:48 — betty2020

I just read this again. "Do not search it out on internet dating sites where PREDATORS live.". My XN is a serial internet predator. I met him online and within moments of me walking out he had profile on every sex site on the web. I also found out this is why his first wife left him after 13 years. This is very true. They cant be alone and this is the fastest and most effective means to get supply. How creepy and dangerous this is to society.

I think they enjoy the control

Fri, 06/04/2010 - 13:34 — TNR1

Mr. N liked online dating sites as well. It allows them to show their best side.

they don't have a "best side"!!!

Fri, 06/04/2010 - 16:02 — Barbara

hell no

it allows them to MAKE IT UP AS THEY GO ALONG!

read: http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

betty2020

Fri, 06/04/2010 - 12:55 — Barbara

have you read my story? Psycho-Boy is an internet predator too

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

my post

Fri, 06/04/2010 - 06:40 — justwantpeace

i just read my post from last year on this. oh to funny. he was telling me then he wasnt happy and was telling me this year he wasnt happy.

So I guess since he isnt happy that he really wants me to be unhappy. I have been doing the right thing, trying to sever all ties with him.

article

Fri, 06/04/2010 - 06:36 — justwantpeace

I like his post. If they were truly happy they would leave us alone. They would move on with their lives and want us to move on. They would want their kids happy and to be well adjusted. They would be civil with the other parent when they had to deal with them for the kids sake.

When I get down, I try to remember ex isnt happy. He told me 2 weeks before he married the ow that he just wanted to be happy again. I try to keep busy if I start to think about him. I ask myself why am I hanging onto the hurt and pain. If I meet someone else great, if I dont that is fine. I need to make sure I am healed, happy, and whole no matter what my life brings.

He's Happy Now. Will I EVER be Happy Too??

Thu, 06/03/2010 - 07:33 — Barbara

READ TOP POST

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

He's Happy Now. Will I EVER be Happy Too??

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 08:09 — Barbara

READ TOP POST

~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

Visit My Abuse Website

destiny

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 22:37 — Barbara (not verified)

I never thought being disabled i would have been preyed upon like I was by XN

Predators HUNT THE WOUNDED!

Psycho-Boy was on me like glue once he learned:
1. my marriage was failing
2. I was disabled

Of course now he says horrible things about my looks and my health (while leaving out that I am disabled)

and I have met no less than 7 other women in my online travels, also disabled, conned by narcs or sociopaths. So you know there's MANY MANY more

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

Barbara

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 08:22 — rache

He sure isn't one to judge YOUR looks!And,hookers are all that would have him(for the money)-look at the wify-not exactly hooker looks eh?

rache

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 08:23 — Barbara

I am 100lbs overweight from disability, meds & surgeries. He posts about me being a fat pig and "a horror."

He should look at what he married... or in a mirror.

~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

Visit My Abuse Website

Mirrors

Tue, 02/09/2010 - 08:33 — rache

Being overweight doesn't define ones looks and i hardly think a horror! what IS a horror,are,people who are psycho's/sociopaths/narcissists=freddy Krugger,jason meyers,etc!,and,EX NS! LOL,NOW,thats HORROR/S.

He's Happy Now. Will I EVER be Happy Too??

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 15:57 — cynthia

We know that is NOT TRUE, isnt happy an emotion? SO it is impossible for them to feel genuine happiness. More like sexually satisfied for them, that equates happiness in their world.

hell no.......

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 06:59 — Barbara (not verified)

NEVER EVER DO ONLINE DATING. EVER. NO SITE IS SAFE THEY ARE ALL LOADED WITH PREDATORS, NARCS & PSYCHOPATHS!!

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2007/08/sexual-predators-target-single-di...

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-cheaters-use-internet-to-seek...

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2007/07/sex-predators-on-online-dating-se...

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2006/05/how-reliable-testimonials-of-coup...

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2009/06/online-daters-burned-by-lies.html

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2008/11/religious-online-dating-site-prov...

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2006/06/study-shows-30-of-internet-dating...

go volunteer, join a group, ANYTHING BUT online dating!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

wanted to ask about online dating....

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 05:48 — time_to_move_on

Sandra mentions online dating, is it best to stay away from that at a later date when I do start dating again? Reason I ask is because I tried it in the past and never felt comfortable. About 50% of people I met seemed to be seriously strange, I thought it must have been down to my social anxiety, perhaps I wasn't capable of attracting the right people as others said they had success.

Anyone got any thoughts?

I would NEVER go to online

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 06:35 — 4joys (not verified)

I would NEVER go to online dating. I met my exN and sociopath online. I wasn't even on a dating site and thought it just happened, but now I see I was targeted. Your gut was right. The internet dating and meetup sites are inundated with predators.

Never online dating for me again either

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 22:31 — destiny

I wasnt even looking for him or any guy...but there he appeared in a health msg board and the health chat.

Knowing what I now know about his OW that he also met the same way he met me...using the same lines he used on me...and the same site...i would never ever again meet anyone that way.

My one friend thinks im 'out there' when i say that ...siting how some of their friends and family have met their spouses that way....I said well you go thru what I have and it is never ever again.

I dated another online guy years ago...who turned out to have some stalker qualities , so I let him do the dumping.

I never thought being disabled i would have been preyed upon like I was by XN...sick , sick sick.

okay

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 21:06 — tasha

I have to say that I agree with everything that has been posted above me about internet dating. Obviously I still got some things to work through. Even after everything that I've learn here and the books that I have read-A part of me still throws caution to the wind and is still willing to jump into a pool teaming with sharks. Can somebody understand what's going with me? Or have any insights? this is a genuine plea for help.

tasha

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 21:18 — Barbara (not verified)

some level of denial and PTSD at work. that's my opinion. Are you still in therapy? This would be something to discuss with your therapist because it goes to low-self esteem (and desperation) to do that.

read HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

okay

Fri, 10/16/2009 - 21:33 — tasha

Yes I still am in therapy, but not as often as before, I used to go weekly-now monthly. I go to a support group aswell for survivors of abuse. I think I have improved-but not enough. It's like self sabotge, even though I know I'm courting danger-but I still do it. Thanks again barbara-I'm seeing her this week, so I'll get onto it.

He's Happy Now. Will I EVER be Happy Too??

Thu, 10/15/2009 - 23:11 — Barbara (not verified)

SEE TOP POST

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

Oh this is so true.

Wed, 08/26/2009 - 09:36 — justwantpeace

Oh this is so true. eventually all that happiness comes crashing down around them. In my situation I actually got a few good laughs at their expense.

They arent happy. He tries to make me believe it and play with my mind about he is so happy but yet he forgot about telling me he just wanted to be happy again. he really contradicts himself.

i was told the best thing to do is fake it til you make it. dont let him see you unhappy, then be working on you until you are happy. that is the best revenge on them. they cant stand you actually finding some happiness.

understanding me...understanding why

Tue, 08/25/2009 - 22:29 — tasha

I used to care about what HE was doing, Who he was with, Did he ever love me, I looked for any emotion/action that resembled love-even though he had done the most horrific things to me.I thought for a time I was crazy and took on board all the horrible things he said I was.Lies!my shrink tells me I'm not crazy and my reactions are quite normal-after being with a pathological.

Now I don't care. I know from the testamonies of the ladies here-that he is doing exactly the same thing he did with me!!

tasha

Tue, 08/25/2009 - 23:00 — Barbara (not verified)

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/14/normal

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

thanks barbara

Tue, 08/25/2009 - 23:15 — tasha

Instead of wasting anymore headspace on him I come here and that makes me feel soooo much better!!!

I am still tryingto understand the healing process!

Tue, 08/25/2009 - 16:49 — Heart

I am divorcing my 2nd N. With therapy, I now understand why I married these men. I was relieved when marriage #1 ended, but I still love N #2 very much, although I know he is damaged. I am doing all the things one is told to do to keep busy and start a new life. I have been married all my adult life. I alternate between never wanting to risk getting hurt again, and being so lonely. I never imagined being divorced a second time, and being single at this time in my life. I just wish I would stop hurting. Anybody have any ideas?

Heart

Tue, 08/25/2009 - 16:58 — Barbara (not verified)

Get a copy of WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS. It will explain EVERYTHING!

And make sure to maintain NC. And no dating for at LEAST 18 months.

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/30/about-healing

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/08/01/healing-after-no-contact-take...

Go to MESSAGE BOARD and MY BLOG on the left and read ALL the pages. Yes, all of them.

Tomorrow is our free radio show. You can listen in and hear prior shows at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily
"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

I like this post. i was

Thu, 08/20/2009 - 09:28 — justwantpeace

I like this post. i was always worried about him bringing the ow around that had a big interruption in our marriage. I have heard they arent together, he has said it, and there are no more rumors. I dont know if things were put on hold til our divorce was final.

But he knows she cant be around me or son. we have both stated we will not have a relationship with her or accept her. if he is with her he hides her well. no one knows about it.

so i need to quit worrying. what bugs me is he is coming back around trying to reconnect with those he walked away from. he wants to coparent with me, not going to happen. he is throwing the charm back on to me. he wants to be superdad. he wants to always be there. i honestly believe if i were to let him come to my house he would. he says he is doing what i want by following my boudaries. he is even agreeing with me on things. what is with that.

this is where i need a little advice. he went from being really ugly and nasty to all of a sudden wonderful man. i dont want to sit and dwell on him. its like the more i avoid him the more his presence is there. if the ow is still there then he is pushing her aside to get any chance to be where son is.

i want to make sure is this still part of his game. he isnt going to try and suck me back in is he? make me think oh he has changed and wants the best for me. he got mad at the thought of a male friend helping my son out with baseball. ex had a fit over that and said he didnt want this man around his son.

or has he just not accepted the reality we are not married anymore and he has no claim on me, and he thinks he still does and still has control.

just wondering. i want to put all this behind me now and move one. i have this huge fear of getting sucked in again.

justwantpeace

Thu, 08/20/2009 - 13:53 — Barbara (not verified)

he will believe in his own warped mind he has control until the day he goes 6 feet under... make no mistake.

they NEVER ACCEPT or BELIEVE DEFEAT. EVER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily

"Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

my exN is happy now... what about me?

Wed, 08/19/2009 - 14:26 — Barbara (not verified)

SEE TOP POST

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily

"Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

Cassia

Mon, 07/20/2009 - 13:41 — Barbara (not verified)

No.

If you go to the site you can sign up for their free newsletter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily

Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

Barbara?

Mon, 07/20/2009 - 11:50 — Kemars1

Barbara -

Is this piece in Sandra's book "Women Who Love Psychopaths"?

You are such a good writer.

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 16:05 — Carolyn

You are such a good writer. Women who have had a bad relationship and wonder if they will every be happy again are coming from a really suffering place. We can learn to find a life that makes us strong not a man that makes us wrong. American women are the freest, most well educated, and safest women in the world. Use these things, that women in our past fought for us to have, and put a life together that suits you.
Study, get a job you want, move, buy a pet, join a club, find an interesting hobby, do volunteer work, read a book about relationships, make a new friend. I remember wondering if I would ever be happy again and I got a lot of great things, property, a life in another country, and on and on. I look back and can't even remember what he looked like. I do know that he failed at everything, lost his friends, was divorced 3 times, and lives a lonely life. My life is full of fun, I retired well, I have hobbies, I belong to a club that puts libraries in poor schools, I am busy and content.

not me

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 17:40 — Barbara (not verified)

if you'd read it thoroughly - you'd see Sandra Brown, MA wrote this piece - not me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily

Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

Thanks

Sat, 07/18/2009 - 15:30 — insectt

I like this post. After two years and then buying a house with my N I realize that he is not really 'happy' although I am slowly recognizing that I can be happy without him. It is difficult because I still live with him but I am taking steps to leave and get my own place.

With his new NS he has stated that 'This one is different' and 'I'm trying to figure things out with her' and 'if I have to be monogomous I will start over with a new relationship'

When I asked why he couldn't 'start over' with someone already in his life' he replied 'I don't have an answer to that.'

At first I was distraught. For a while he has been avoiding me and he even gave his baby's momma 'the axe' as far as a 'relationship' goes because of this new girl.

I was devastated. What made this new girl so special that nobody else could 'get him'? Nothing. She is just 'new because me and his baby's momma have outlived our usefulness to him.

He stays over at the new girls house everynight from ten or eleven pm until he goes to work at 8am. and then he sees her AT NIGHT on the weekends because she has a small child.

Initially I was angry, then I felt bad for this single mom who probably thinks she just met Prince Charming (like the rest of us did). Now that I think about it, he doesn't 'hang out with her' or 'see her' during the hours she has her kid. It is only at night when her son is sleeping or during times when she has a baby sitter. Now, part of this very well be that she is protecting her son from his mom being in a 'new realtionship' but it doesn't seem likely since she lets N sleep over her house.

Well. Hopefully I will be long gone by the time his pathologies starts catching up to her whether it be months or years from now, as I do not know her boundries and limititations, especially since she has a kid.

By then he will be starting his cycle all over again and I will be well on my way to REAL happiness.

This board and many other sites on the internet have really helped me realize that there is nothing wrong with me and I can stop trying 'to keep being better' so he will eventually want me and only me.

A REAL man will take me and love me as I am without me 'trying to keep doing things right.'

Yes, you will be happy!

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 18:53 — Lisa E. Scott

Absolutely, you will be happy. Right now, you're going through the most difficult part, but once you come through this, you will be so much better off. Carolyn is so right, we women live in an age where we can be completely independent from a man, if we want. I know I am grateful for that. We do not need to rely on a man for anything. Recreate your life and fill it with activities and people who make you happy. You will be astounded at how much fuller your life will be when you don't have to cater to this toxic man. Yes, you most certainly will be happy. Stay strong and keep it up!

Ditto Lisa

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 19:21 — James

You are so right Lisa, a model day woman is in a very good position today unlike her mother and grandmother when they were fighting just for their civil rights. I can understand how each of us need companionship because we are social creatures, it’s part of what and who we are. But we need to ask the right questions such as what do I need and/or want through this exchange of partnership. I believe any partnership not build on equality and is a desirer to co-create is doom in one form or another. I believe each partnership must have these three attributes:

Co-creation
Mutuality and
Equality

As for being happy someday, I can almost assure it. Why? Because you are asking some very deep questions about yourself. You are healing from something that left you feeling used and abuse. We can take this and suffer for the rest of our life or we can take this and start to be stronger and wiser. It’s all about choices, so we need to choose wisely. Also try to remember that any birth is always painful in the beginning but soon the mother sees the child smile and then all that pain just goes away. (From what I been told anyway)..

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

Oh insecct I think you are

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 18:19 — cupcake

Oh insecct I think you are really brave and wonderful. A REAL man (and not a weak excuse for one) will love us for who we are and not for what we supply them with!

hope

Wed, 08/19/2009 - 17:36 — dolce (not verified)

I just keep the hope that I can be all I want to be. That's more than I had months ago. Hope says I'm open to possibilities. Of healing. Not only healing but being proud of coming through this awful relationship.
I wish you all hope.