How should I proceed?

How should I proceed?
Posted July 14, 2009 - 1:43pm
0

I have an exit plan:

I have lined up a home to rent
I have gotten a po box and put in a change of address
I have gathered important documents that pertain to me

We have been togther 17 yrs. Not married, one child together (she is 11) He is in the SO FAKE KISSING MY ASS mode right now, I have given him the silent treatment for 2 days, he is turning it on full blast. Now that I KNOW about N (I have read here for days and days, THANK GOD for this place) I am ready.

He really acts like all is good, WTF? How do I tell him I want to leave, when do I tell him, what if he looses it? Is therea 'better' way to do this? I need a push and some prayers. I am awestruck at how I can see thru him now since learning all this.

I shredded a drawers full of greetings cards this am. I read them all, most of them are from me to him "I know you are mad, let's kiss and make up" Sorry if I was a brat, let's make up"

OMG...I was so blind. How was I apologizing for making him angry then whoring myself out for peace. This new perspective is both refreshing and sooooo OMG, what have I allowed to happen?

Your best advice please, before I loose my balls to take a step! He is planning an evening of putt putt and ice cream...how do I be nice then drop a bomb! SIGH!

‹ Do you believe the N is insecure deep down inside? New here. ›
Barbara's picture

good stuff for victims to read

July 14, 2009 - 8:03pm — Barbara (not verified)

here's Carver's website - lots of goodies for victims here:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

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James's picture

Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD

July 14, 2009 - 6:56pm — James

In Dr. Carver's article he talks about the detachment period and what a victim might expect. I hope it helps suzanne. It help me when I read it three years ago.

What you are about to do is never easy and will keep you in my thoughts. Good Luck!

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/part-2.html

suzanne's picture

James, thank you, it was

July 15, 2009 - 8:03am — suzanne

James, thank you, it was extremely helpful, I read it twice and will read again. The words to say are what helped, the mindset to be in as well.

After getting myself in the mindset that "I am worthless, he deserves better and more" I tried to talk to him last night, he said "I have a headache, I'd rather no"t, THEN got up and took Tylenol" This guy has had 5 headaches in 17 years, why would you take something AFTER I asked to talk.

SO, I hear him at 2 am, he was reading my emails, then this morning he was in my purse reading my texts, he heard me coming and I saw him walking away, my purse was zipped tight when I went to bed. It was wide open this morning. Left like nothing happened.

Pretty sure he is avoiding talking. Sighhhh.I'll keep you posted.

Suzanne

James's picture

suzanne

July 15, 2009 - 9:17am — James

I too remember those days of not wanting to talk to me directly, but she had no problem going through my briefcase and checking out my cell phone. Once she found a phone number with a friends name and phone number on it in my briefcase. While the friend was in fact female my ex accused me once again of infidelity. I explain that she gave me the problem because we talk about her new job and I wanted to see if I could get work there. After this, I never called her back (the friend) for more information and never follow-up on getting a job there. In fact I never call the friend back at all so I can only assume how this friend thought me a jerk and lost yet another friend. I really can't tell you how many friends I lost over 17 years because I simply lost count.

No my ex also didn't want to talk but spying on me became a full time job for her.

quietude's picture

suzanne

July 14, 2009 - 4:32pm — quietude (not verified)

I sooo agree with everyone...telling them never leads to anything good, and gives them a chance to abuse you further!

You got balls...they're called ovaries..LOL...use them, they come in handy!

Good Luck, and great for having an exit stradegy...please keep us posted!

suzanne's picture

Barbara

July 14, 2009 - 3:07pm — suzanne

Ahhhh...thank you thank you thank you...I knew you would have just the right info at just the right moment. Hoovering...IT has a name? WOW~ thanks for dispelling it for me.

Suzanne

If God brought you to it...he will being you through it.

Barbara's picture

honeymooning

July 14, 2009 - 3:48pm — Barbara (not verified)

some people call it "Honeymooning"

http://homesweethome.wordpress.com/2006/10/17/what-is-the-honeymoon-cycl...

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suzanne's picture

devoured_soul

July 14, 2009 - 2:41pm — suzanne

Thank you! It makes sense on the screen, but in reality it just doesn't. She is a Daddy's Girl and adores him, this is going to pain her so, I will be the bad one in her eyes for leaving, I have had a face on for her for years. Although I think she is seeing some things herself.

How do I just take 1/2 of everything without going to court. I can see getting arrested for theft or something. I don't even have my attorney visit in yet.

This is confusing, scary, and paralyzing but absolutely necessary. Why do I hold myself back trying to find the "nice" and correct way to do things, this is so against my nature. OKAY...I am ranting now.

Suzanne

If God brought you to it...he will bring you through it.

Barbara's picture

try not to worry

July 14, 2009 - 6:06pm — Barbara (not verified)

She is a Daddy's Girl and adores him, this is going to pain her so, I will be the bad one in her eyes for leaving, I have had a face on for her for years. Although I think she is seeing some things herself.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Dad-Hurts-Lundy-Bancroft/dp/0399151109

Do NOT worry - I can tell you from my own experience - as she gets older she will be less "supply" for his ego and he will alienate her ALL BY HERSELF.

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Barbara's picture

zoom zoom

July 14, 2009 - 2:50pm — Barbara (not verified)

YOU DO NOT TELL HIM!! You just go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's hoovering - you do not tell him a thing - doing so would be VERY VERY VERY VERY dangerous!!!

Zoom zoom! Make SURE he doesn't know where you are going or where you are. VERY SURE!!!
(and line up a lawyer for child support!!!)

Get to a lawyer ASAP.
http://www.womenslaw.org

http://family-law.freeadvice.com/child_support/

This is the HUGE mistake we victims make - trying to be nice. IT'S A MASSIVE NO NO NO. Just GO. Take important papers, personal momentos, jewelry, etc.

Narcs do this too:
http://www.bpd411.org/hoover.html

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Lisa E. Scott's picture

Suzanne

July 14, 2009 - 11:16pm — Lisa E. Scott

I agree. Just go. No need to tell him what you learned about him until you are safe and secure in another location. It's good you have an exit strategy. We are all here for you. Stay strong! Big Hugs, Lisa

James's picture

Me 2

July 15, 2009 - 12:31am — James

Lisa, I second that. Really if one feel endangered in anyway, please members just go and you both can talk about it later when it safe for both the abuser and victims. Too many times I hear that whenever a victim "tries" to leave they are in the most risk for violent. Please be safe and please be careful whenever one decides to leave...

Also have a planned exits set in place before you leave. Plan ahead and stay safe... Please!!!

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

devoured_soul's picture

I WOULD JUST GO. YOU DON'T

July 14, 2009 - 2:19pm — devoured_soul

I WOULD JUST GO. YOU DON'T OWE HIM PUTT PUTT AND ICE CREAM. ALL YOU OWE TO ANYONE IS THIS: YOU OWE YOUR DAUGHTER A CHANCE TO SEE A REAL RELATIONSHIP AND A MOM WHO HAD THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH AND PRESENCE OF MIND TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON AND GET OUT AND YOU OWE GETTING OUT TO YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY. JUST GO. 17 YEARS. LINE UP SOME FRIENDS AND FAMILY FOR MOVING DAY. GET OUT ALL AT ONCE. TRY TO DO IT IF YOU KNOW HE'S NOT GOING TO BE HOME BUT HAVE AS BIG A GROUP OF PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE WHETHER HE'S GOING TO BE THERE OR NOT. THEN, IF HE TRIES TO COME TO YOUR NEW PLACE, GET A RESTAINING ORDER. HE LIKELY WONT MAKE THIS EASY ON YOU. DONT "BE NICE AND DROP THE BOMB." HE DIDN'T CARE IF HE WAS NICE TO YOU, DID HE?