After only finding this site a few days ago, I can't believe how similar all of our situations are. It makes my hair stand on end.

What pains me the most, and I see it everywhere here, is how ALL of us seem to be driven to the crazy place in the end. Literally crazy where we all talk about crying, becoming hysterical lashing out in some way, even doing something physically violent - all things that we'd never do in a million years. Worse, we ALL seem to feel ashamed for it! I know I do, and we worry about what they think about us. For me, it might be one of the hardest things to get past. They have that hanging over your head - that "oh, like how crazy she (he) is....i just don't know what to do." It's enough to push a person over the edge. The last weeks in the house with my ex N, I soaked the mattress I don't know how many times with hysterical tears, bawling like a baby - mainly because everything was so twisted around on me! And he would send the therapist (who we only saw about a month, and who he had wrapped around his finger) emails about how crazy I was getting and that he "didn't know what to do for her..." creating this image that all he cared about was helping me. Oh my God....it makes you insane!

Did anyone here constantly hear the terms: ambivalence, conflict, uncertainty, no synchronicity ...Always using those words to tell me he's not quite sure about the relationship, which only kept me spinning my wheels even faster to please him. Five years! And the same words. One of the last things he said to me was that his ambivalence stemmed from the relationship and me, not me. I always told him his issues predated me. During my last days, I found the following things written down on paper - in his desk(!) from the girl before me, whom he dated for 2 1/2 years...off and on. She, too, was not the "right one". Do her word sound like she was dealing with the same N (or am I going crazy):

- has script/outcome that we find ourselves playing out: ie, relationships equal conflict/undo stress
- too quick to judge me or our situation
- insensitive to my insecurities
- hot headed, quick temper, lack of patience in general, in particular with regards to my struggles
- argumentative to a persistent degree which has the tendency to push me until rage becomes my emotion
- overly critical and expressive of these judgments
- inconsistent with his needs and wants, creating an impossible situation to please unless on self prescribed terms which are always in flux
- keeps emotions to self unless directed towards me, creating the illusion that our relationship is the source of inner turmoil

Everyone, if this sounds like an N to you, I hope it helps those who may be struggling, thinking of their exes with new partners. They were the same before you, and they will be the same after you.

Hope everyone is well.