Lisa E. Scott

He Abandoned Me, What does this mean?

He Abandoned Me, What does this mean?
Posted Wed, 07/01/2009 - 12:23

He abandoned me, what does that mean? Is he going to call again?

I am feeling rejected and i know this sounds immature, but I feel like he won in some way. Saying he would never call me again and he is moving on. But yet, i have been reading posts that N's try to push the issue and continually try to get back in your life. Is this what i have to look forward to?

He just stopped all emotion one day, and was cold as ice, how do i interpret this?

‹ Narcissism or Sex Addiction The Narcissist and no contact question ›

My Birthday

Sun, 02/28/2010 - 13:56 — seancunningham

My birthday was the trigger for me ending the ordeal. N was pissed because the attention was on me. The D&D started the night before. I knew I was in for a long haul. He cooked me dinner on my b-day, and all but threw the food at me. He looked like a Stepford Wife preparing the dinner. I tried engaging him in chit chat. His conversation, if you can call it that, was disjointed and scattered. I was given the silent treatment during the meal. And then he told me I was smothering him. The whole ordeal was uncomfortable and embarrassing for me. I should have left, but I stayed for the duration. He then disappeared the next night and most of the day after that. I ended it. I'm better off. These people are whacked.

"Whacked" ... LOL

Mon, 03/01/2010 - 00:47 — wallaby

LOL. I just had to laugh at that. You know it is the simplest and truest description.

Quick question - what does "D & D" stand for?

D&D = Devalue & Discard

Mon, 03/01/2010 - 07:53 — Barbara

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/06/24/understanding-narcissists-cycle-ide...

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

Devalue - Discard

Mon, 03/01/2010 - 00:58 — narcmagnet

So technical, but that's how the narcs see us. It's unemotional. Objects. They Overvalue us in the idealization phase (makes us feel great and sucks us in,) then, they start saying things that make you feel like you are walking on eggshells, when, without warning, Wham! He rages at you and everything he claimed to like or love about you is the opposite! You mean nothing to him. Yesterday's news and you're left wondering "what just happened?"

There is no in between with these guys. No gray. You are either playing your part perfectly as he has scripted your role in his head, or, you are not playing your part and he's got someone else he thinks would suit the role a little better.

He is sick sick sick! Emotionally handicapped. He stopped developing emotionally at age 5. It's shocking! I was in a major depression for a couple of months, but I'm happy to say that I have been much much better and I am improving every day! You will too! What you are feeling is normal.

Marie & Barbara

Tue, 07/21/2009 - 00:56 — cupcake

I was literally just having a panic attack - missing him and wanting him and because it is so lonely and I am at the start of recovering from the shock of the abrupt way he left I wanted to come on here and say that I want him back because anything would be better than the pain of this lonliness and emptiness. I just wanted him back and to take his sordid deal because it would be better then being alone.

Then I saw Marie's post to me and I feel so much better! And Barabar's post about "free sex nothing more" and now the panic is passing. THis is such a great forum everyone!

I can't believe that guy Marie! So he just starting chasing you and being all wonderful again simply to reel you back in and hurt you? THis has come as a warning to me - I gave my N so many chances and would think "just one more time and he will be nicer" and it never happened so of course it won't happen now> he will just use me for sex and discard me again.

I'm so sorry that happened to you but at least you had the wisom to look back over your journal and remind yourself that he is well..a lying pig! I have to believe that a guy like that will get his one day he can't possibly be human. Why do that to you? I'm sure you did nothing but love and give in that relationship. I can't believe how awful he is.

Thanks so much you just helped reduce my panic and reminded me of why I don't want to be with him. You guys are right...some other woman can have him and his sleazy ways, his lying self, his mood swings, his ability to make you feel like dirt, his cheating habits, he is a pig. I don't want it and I don't want him!

I understand

Tue, 07/21/2009 - 06:19 — Marie

Cupcake I understand those attacks of wanting him back. When my N was nice the relationship was just wonderful but when he decided to dismiss me from his life it was so painful. I was discarded coldly because I found out about the other woman. I wasn't even looking to break up with him as stupid as that sounds now but he just didn't want to be with me any longer. I don't know why and will never understand last March why he started to reel me back in. Even still there have been times when I've gone back to the beginning and remembered what it was like. I've had those moments like you and I begin to think maybe had I behaved different, maybe I became too much of a nag. But if you talk about marriage with someone and then find they are spending time with other woman; don't you have a right to know?

So I'm not judging you in any way about your desire at times to want him back. You do have a memory of happier times and it's hard to understand that it was a lie. You begin to blame yourself that it didn't work. And you can't and shouldn't. There was a reason you became unhappy, for accusing him or arguing with him. There is a section at the end of the journal where I've listed exactly why I broke contact with him last August. My breaking contact then was the beginning of the end because he went cold on me after that. I often think back that when he tried to hold the relationship together had I not done some of the hurtful things I did we would still be together. Then I had to remind myself why I did those things. It was to save myself from the pain he was causing me by lying, cheating, using me and then discarding me at times when he grew bored. As wonderful as he could be it was becoming more obvious that I was just a sex toy for him.

There have been times along the way this past year that I've thought of trying to get him back. I always go back through my journal and remember all the pain he caused me. It would still be going on had I not decided to finally get off the ride. I'm lying at times when I say I don't miss him but I will never go back.

Be well!

did you read all these links yet?

Tue, 07/21/2009 - 01:01 — Barbara (not verified)

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/16/sex-narcissists-and-it-just-s...

PLEASE PLEASE if you are having panic attacks that's PTSD. Start a journal and get yourself a THERAPIST ASAP.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Cupcake

Tue, 07/21/2009 - 00:32 — Marie

Cupcake, I just had to write you also. I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. I remember how I was a year ago and the pain my N caused me. I lost so much sleep night after night, constantly checking phone and email. Leaving myself signed in hoping he'd contact me. After 3 years of daily contact to 3 months of nothing. It was the most hurtful of all experiences in my life. A year later I can still feel that pain, I don't think it will ever go away. Whenever I see him sometimes the ideas start anew but mostly I'm reminded that whatever I had with him will never be again. It comes back that all he did was use me, that all his "I love yous" were lies that he now tells another.

About 4 months ago he started trying to court me again. Stupidly I began thinking maybe he realized that he made a mistake in letting me go. I'm sure most of you can guess what happened. At first he was once more the charming man I fell for, it was so easy to fall back again to him. I wondered about the other woman and what happened with her only to find she wasn't really out of his life. Then the broken promises began, little remarks that were cutting to finally another disappearance and avoidance. Whenever or if ever I've thought of calling, emailing or having any kind of contact I reread my journal entry of April 17. It reminds me of what a heartless, lying pig he is and how he'll go back to hurting me the same way over and over again if I let him. He once again went back to ignoring me if we passed one another, not even a glance in my direction, this from a man who just a month ago began once again to tell me I was the only woman he ever loved. Funny his daily calls went to biweekly then once a week to nothing. No more email, no more calls, no more courting to giving me a number to reach him in case of emergency but then never answered. Does that sound like a man in love? No it's a bunch of bs to reel you back in so you can be stomped on. It's all lies and the way these guys treat you they treat another woman the same don't believe any different. Why talk yourself into going back to be in pain again?

Please speak with a therapist and try to find out why you want to be involved in an abusive relationship. If this man turned to ice on you once, he'll do it again no matter what he promises. Let him win and move on to someone else to hurt you deserve better.

answer the clue phone cupcake

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 00:06 — Barbara (not verified)

say goodbye? stop that!! you just want him back..

To a Narcissist everyone is an OBJECT - a THING - not a PERSON - they don't care how you feel because they can NOT feel... at all. They are literally soul less and their brains aren't wired right.

Here's how "saying goodbye" would go:

You'd say how sorry you were etc.
He'd say something cruel, heartless - blaming YOU for him dumping you and leave
or he'd f**k you and leave
You'd be reeling for weeks... months and then want him back to try to "say goodbye" again
RINSE REPEAT
and the whole time he gets to laugh at how pathetic & needy you are and pushes your buttons to get his jollies about how much power he still has over you!
STOP!!!!!!!

read:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/eighteasyways.shtml

http://romancelessons.blogspot.com/2006/03/how-start-breaking-free-from....

GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD CUPCAKE. This is NOT A NORMAL PERSON. This a dangerous, soul-sucking creature.

He will NEVER have a relationship with anyone that will work. EVER. Never. Even if he gets married he'll cheat on her constantly and abuse her.

Answer the clue phone.

NO CONTACT!
NO CONTACT
NO CONTACT

Keep reading this site. Over & over & over.

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re: barbara

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 00:17 — cupcake

LOVE those links please keep sending those through as these issues come up!

You are probably right. I have said before when he contacts next I won't answer but I alwasy do and he still got sex from me. I think he is already laughing at how pathetic and needy and I am and I am someone he has wanted to screw for a long time. He got everything and tooke verything and he gets to walk away with someone to hold still and get affection from his girlfriend and i HATE that. he doesn't deserve a relationship while the rest of us are lonely and broken and searching. I want the last word!

last word

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 00:28 — Barbara (not verified)

Your SILENCE and ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT will be the loudest last word EVER.

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/02/helpful-quotes-about-n-snap-y...

why are you thinking about talking to someone who's not even human? who doesn't really know what feelings are and is laughing at you no matter WHAT you say? It would fall on deaf ears and he'd made you look like a crazy, scorned idiot.

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/10/rigorous-honesty-first-rule-r...

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/07/05/when-love-4-letter-word

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/06/24/understanding-narcissists-cycle-ide...

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/04/27/why-narcissists-have-no-empathy

Don't skim these articles and then go on with your obsessive thinking, cupcake. Bookmark them. Print them out.

Get Lisa's Book!! (right) and NO CONTACT!!!

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DO NOT LET HIM CONTACT YOU

Thu, 07/16/2009 - 22:47 — Barbara (not verified)

DO NOT LET HIM CONTACT YOU AGAIN.

NO CONTACT!!

Narcissists thrive on getting a rise out of you. They have in the past and that is why they come back for more. Don’t give them the opportunity.

read: http://saferelationships.com/11

Who cares about him!! He's poison!! Literally POISON!! Have you read how physically ill some of us are from exposure to these people?

Be GLAD he dropped you - you are probably much too healthy for him.

and STOP THAT cupcake!!! You'd better talk to your therapist about your obsession with wanting him to come back ASAP!! You're addicted to a dangerous person. That is BAD NEWS. SERIOUSLY bad news!

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POISON

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 21:18 — devoured_soul

I HAD TO RESPOND. WHEN I FIRST MET MY N, I WAS CLOSE FRIENDS WITH MY BOSS AND HIS WIFE. I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT HIM. HE WAS MARRIED AT THE TIME (IN THE "PROCESS" OF A DIVORCE) AND MY BOSS'S WIFE FELT UNEASY ABOUT THE WHOLE THING BUT NOT NECESSARILY BECAUSE HE WAS STILL MARRIED (HE DID GET DIDVORCED). ANYWAY, SHE PRINTED A SKULL AND CROSS BONES THAT SAID "POISON" UNDER IT ONE DAY AND I HUNG IT OVER MY DESK. FUNNY I DID THAT CUZ I MUST HAVE FELT ON A SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL THAT HE WAS POISON OR WHY ELSE WOULD I HAVE HUNG UP THE SIGN? FUNNY HOW YOU LOOK BACK ON THINGS AND HOW THEY ADD UP. HE WAS POISON. AND I "KNEW" IT. NOW THE POISON RUNS THRU MY BLOOD. ONE DAY HE STOPPED BY OFFICE AND SAW THE POISON SIGN ASKED WHAT IT MEANT AND I SAID "I DONT KNOW". I SURE THE HELL DO NOW............

Hello Barbara!

Thu, 07/16/2009 - 22:56 — cupcake

Hello! I knew you would kill me for this!! I think I am in a place where I want him to come back so I can say goodbye? I just can't believe he spent all that time pursuing me and being wonderful to running overseas to be with someone else for 6 - 7 weeks. But I understand this is what they do and they can because they are disordered.

I want him to come back so I can ignore him...but you said that was even dangerous because if I play that game he could turn into a stalker?

Tell me once and for all...is his long distance relatiosnhip with the UK girl going to work? When she was here he did nothing but remove her as a FB friend - delete ALL photo tags of her and him together and spent his whole weekends chasing me where he should have been with her. I need you to read this paragraph i just wrote and tell me why he would treat her like.

And this paragraph = now she has gone back he is chasing her and has discarded me. Is it because she was in his space when she was here in the US? And this is his home? He seriously spent a lot of time with me (apart from all the cancelled dates and promises.

I feel worthless!! It's like he has chosen her and it hurts so much. I need to close this somehow and I don't know how!

Cupcake

Mon, 07/20/2009 - 20:15 — Bittersweet

I am so sorry you are going through this....you feel so alone and like whoever you talk to cant understand the pain..the trauma, the nights awake wondering what he is doing and why in the world he would discard you in such a horrible way.

I completely understand, I was not with my N for long, five months and one day he turned off all his feelings and said to me in a cold tone that freezes the heart "I am moving on." This was after he told me he needed time to think and get rid of his anger for what I did to him (so in a way he gave me false hope as well, we were broken up but yet I MIGHT hear from him again, which in a way was in the beginning what i hoped for)...which originally I broke it off first because he wouldnt give me the space i needed to think. I wrote him this beautiful nine page letter expressing how we could make it work, I sent it to him three days later after our argument and break up and he wasnt the same after. I begged him to take me back, I asked him if he still loved me and all i received in return was silence, he said he needed his space and the more I called the more I would push him away. Tuesday, will be one month of no contact...the days immediately after he turned stone cold were the toughest days of my life, i didnt get how someone could just give up everything we had. I know five months wasnt long, but we were living the ultimate love story and connection. The way he looked at me made me melt.. I have never had anyone be so in aw of me and admire me.

One day he turned it off, he used to threaten if we broke up I would never hear from him again. He deletes his past relationships like they never existed, and he will never call me again...I had to be okay with that because nothing I would do would change his heart and if I tried to go back he would just hurt me more and I couldnt take more, I already felt like shriveling up. I felt worthless, I still think about him, but not in a positive way. Its only been a month, I believe in Karma and he will get his someday. It is anger that fills me up and I had to make peace with it and accept it.

Cupcake you are better than this, going back to him will only destroy you, it will hurt the beautiful person that you are and it will bring you down. A life with this N, is an unhappy one, there is no such thing as happily ever after, and boy did I want happily ever after too! I think women are programmed that way. Acceptance was the hardest for me and slowly you begin to get yourself back, the thoughts are still a nightmare because its unbelievable that you Loved when the other never did, and you trusted your heart to a person that is evil, the devil.

Do something for yourself daily, that will make you feel good. talk about it to people you think will understand, for me it was only my parents, my friends kept telling me that I allowed this to happen which was totally not what I needed to hear because we are VICTIMS of emotional abuse.

oh and about the other women, let him be their problem...you survived which makes you lucky. They are going to see his true colors and unfortunately will also get to the point that they too are hurt and discarded. Feel sorry for them, and dont compare yourself to them, you are uniquely you, dont let the N take that from you.

For Bittersweet

Mon, 07/20/2009 - 20:24 — cupcake

Hello thank you for your post! It sounds like you really do understand - 5 months isn't too short if you believe you love someone! I cannot believe him and obviously he is the one that led you on, the one that made you believe how wonderful and special it was and did things to make you fall in love with him. WHich makes is so awful for him to just turn stone cold like that. I dont understand how that is humanly possible but I am understanding one thing from some of these stories - they are not human!

I have to say it sounds like this guy might come back to you..so maybe be ready for that and try to ignore him when he starts messaging and calling you again. I know I would be thrilled to see mine do all of that and unsure how strong I would be to say no at this stage. He will just do the same thing again and again and again. I hate it.

I believe in Karma too! And remember you get to be YOU. He has to be HIM and I know which person I would rather be because I would never treat anyone like that! You can't just be so loving and wonderful then so cold and distant. It really destroys a person's soul and its unfair and cruel especially as they are the ones that start everything.

I am sure you will meet someone that will treat you and love you for who you are and not just for the supply you give them! Your love and affection is worth so much more then to give it someone who would do this to you. Thanks for the last pargraph re the other woman, I am starting to feel sorry for her and lucky I escaped before I got in too deep. Hang in there too, we will get there!!

I feel worthless!! It's like he has chosen her and it hurts so m

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 20:35 — cin (not verified)

I too felt this way for soo long, my thoughts were just consumed with his girlfriend or whoever he was with (god only knows) I thought she was better, prettier, this or that and I was just the whore. DONT GO THERE WITH THESE THOUGHTS, always remember this, he is not giving anybody else nothing more than what he gave us and would you really want to be the GIRLFRIEND? While he has his lies and deception behind your back? Would you want to hear to endless excuses why you didnt have sex more? I am tired, I worked all day I just want to sleep, you are too demanding, this and that, ALL LIES because we have become OLD to him we arent new and fresh supply, the others too will be put on a shelf and they too one day may be on this site healing and crying and wondering why they werent good enough. If the girlfriend was so great and all then why is he hunting others? You can be the most gorgeous creature on the face of the earth and it wont sustain or hold them, you can be brilliant, talented, funny, this and that its not enough, they just seek out something that is different and new to feed their sick addiction. So ask yourself this, what is the difference being his girlfriend or whore, they are just words one holds no special place in his heart more than the other, they will treat the girlfriend like a whore too. I heard once If you treat your wife like a whore and your whore like your wife it all works out for them, just think about it. The whore wants to feel special, and the wife still wants passion, mmmm ironic huh. So I guess I want to say he hasnt chosen HER, its just the thrill of the hunt for them, remember you are not walking away from LOVE you are walking away from a person who is very unhealthy for your well being, let him choose her, it is her you should cry for. Be at peace, I hurt just as you do but I know in my heart we do not deserve to live in such pain from such a dysfunctional person, they are the ones who are not worthy of us and I pray to God he will help me see that one day.

For Cin

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 18:28 — cupcake

Cin thank you so much. Your post helped me so much and I am feeling better. Thanks for sharing your story a little with me it's like you are reading my mind! I can't help but think "is she prettier better smarter more worthy etc" for him to get to be his girlfriend. It is nice to hear it from a 'girlfriends' point of view (only having the privilege of being his mistress). Do they really stop sex? I guess I would feel more worthless being his girlfriend. He treated me very nicely (20% of the time of course).

I guess you have made nme think about what being his girlfriend would be like and maybe you are right! If she is so great and special and dear to him he wouldn't need to chase other women but he does.

"I heard once If you treat your wife like a whore and your whore like your wife it all works out for them, just think about it." That makes sense! I think she tries to be sexual for him, she writes suggestive things on his FB wall (which he deletes straight away) and a few photos I have seen (which he removes tags of any photo of him and her together also - is this normal) she is wearing little tiny clothes and tops- it's look like a permanent bikini dress code! Maybe she isn't so happy!

Thanks for helping I feel better!

glad I helped

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 19:56 — cinn

its a horrible horrible painful feeling to imagine someone who you thought loved you, and visa versa to be with someone else, mine used to call me and say he wanted me soo bad that he would have to go home and screw his girlfriend and think of me during the process, Gee how nice huh, then I would hang up and cry into hysteria, he probably got a kick out of it knowing it made me upset and jealous, cruel, evil, and inhumane!!!!! It took me forever to wrap my mind around the fact just becaue they say they have a girlfriend does not mean he is WITH that girlfriend, he could be with anyone, and in reality cheating on us and his so called girlfriend, remember they have LOTS of girlfriends. Remember also, sex is just an act for them, my counselor said they are doing the SAME thing to them as they did to you during intimacy, its almost mechanical and I read somewhere that we are more an instrument of masturbation to them, they have practiced the art of keeping an errection while they just lay there and basically do nothing. I can assure you he probably pursued his girlfriend because he had her trained from the past so he goes back because its reliable secure supply for him and NOTHING MORE, she probably was dying to get another fix from him I call it the lethal injection of sex, flattery and charm just as they did to us. I doubt very much they are sitting in front of a fireplace holding hands and being kissy face, not these freaks. I thought for so long his girlfriend got the best part of him, living part time with him, etc..... your forgetting something, HE IS CHEATING ON HER TOO, they ALL CHEAT, so I ask you is she getting anymore that we got? Of course not, he is playing her for a ride just as he did us. In my situation his girlfriend has her house he has his mansion and they live together part time, RED FLAG, I ask why is that? Because he wants his freedom for his other life, he doesnt want to live 24-7 with someone and be tied down, even when mine was building his house he stayed at his mothers house, if they were so serious why didnt he live with her at her house? another RED FLAG, They juggle lots of women each one I am sure serves a different purpose, it seems that alot of them have a cover girlfriend so it appears to others, such as family, friends, etc that they are normal, he has just trained her for that role, but its not love because remember they CANT LOVE, he loves her no more than he loved you, she just plays a role for him, he may be with her but she means NOTHING to him, she is just being used and played and conned. They say what you dont know wont hurt you while that may be true just think of how she is wasting her life and whats in store for her. I tell myself everyday there is no changing the pathological there will NEVER be some magical, perfect person for them that will all of a sudden change them and make them sincere and able to love, it will never happen. I have no magic formula how to rid ourselves of the pain but I do know that we will one day overcome this but it takes alot of work from within ourselves. Someone very sick used, betrayed and conned us and that is a very hard thing to overcome. Peace and strength to you

conned but ok with it?

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 20:59 — Barbara (not verified)

this is something that I continue to be shocked about.

When myself & Psycho-Boy's other target (my FRIEND) sent his wife all the police reports, including his ONLINE REVIEWS OF THE NUMEROUS HOOKERS HE'D SLEPT WITH... verified stuff...

she believed HIM.
she is still married to HIM.
she helps him HARASS ME.

While I sent her my phone number - I honestly didn't expect her to call. But she didn't even bother to check anything. In fact, she got a detective friend of hers from their precinct to harass me!!! And when that detective found out Psycho-Boy had given him "selective" and "incomplete" information he didn't even apologize... I wonder if he told the wife, oh btw - your husband and you lied to me.

He's her problem now and the chances he's sticking it in anything that'll have him or he can pay for again? 110%.

Guess some women will put up with anything to be in a relationship. How disgustingly sad.
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I promise time will help!

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 22:43 — tina

Cin - you are so smart! What a wonderful way you have of putting all this into words! This is exactly what happened to me as well. So true- he hasn't chosen her over you, he chose his own selfish desire to continue to feed his own ego.
Yes, the pain is so deep right now but I promise it will get better. You do deserve so much more than to be with someone that will never put you first.

time and....

Sat, 07/18/2009 - 00:12 — Barbara (not verified)

educating yourself & reading everything you can about these creeps

therapy therapy therapy

medication if you need it

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cin

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 21:43 — Barbara (not verified)

she's his NEW PREY his NEW TARGET

he didn't choose you because you figured him out and were probably too healthy for him.

Be glad he's gone - send her a thank you note!

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Discarded

Thu, 07/16/2009 - 22:34 — cupcake

Hey guys, I just read all of your stories and it felt like each and everyone one of them had many parts which competely relate to my situation. I'm so sorry there are other people in the world that have been hurt, used, discarded and push and pulled by these bad people. It hikn you are realyl brave to come on this site and be so honest and share feelings and stories. For me it is really helping. I'm so shocked though - some of you are married, have kids etc I can't imagine what going through all of this must be like.

My N has discarded me since I confronted him about his girlfriend and like some of you said has just dropped off the planet like he has disappeared. I know it hurts and like you are syaing one minute he is so passionate and loving and then so cold...and gone. Most of you are syaing that they will come back to get some sort of rise out of you...whether ngative or positive. Is this relaly true? Why would they do that? For entertainment or can they not help themselves?

My N is a little different - he has always had long term girlfriends and 'mistresses' on the side. He has a lot of difficulty letting go of those girlfriends and cries and is broken when they leave him...but all 3 girls have kept going back to him in the past even when they find out he is cheating. He has so much power. He didn't leave his girlfriend for me though I guess I'm not better 'meat on the grill'. I need to know they aren't going to work out I feel so rejected to be rejected as just the mistress and I don't know why. I'm better and smarter than this.

Do you guys think he will try and contact me again? Even though he is a little exposed with what he has done?

Cupcake

Thu, 07/16/2009 - 23:27 — Marie

I so relate to the way you are feeling right now. I'm sorry you are hurt and confused. Next month it will be a year since I was thrown away like a piece of trash. Honestly I wanted to die and it felt like I did. The only thing that kept me going was my daughter, I couldn't let myself just fall to pieces; my mom was like that and I try to be the opposite.

I have to ask you since your situation is similar to mine. Why do you want to stay with someone who has caused you such pain and is involved with others? I remember how I cried for days when I found out he was trying to reconnect with the woman he dumped before me. To realize he never loved me, it was devastating. Then when I found out there were others that was it! He is just using you like he is using them, he is a pig I'm sorry if you might find that offensive. None of you are winning anything by staying with this person. Eventually he will find others and you will all be replaced, maybe he'll come back down the road but I ask again why would you want him? The rejection you feel now you will feel over and over again, do you want to be subject to that? As much as you love him, you might not believe it but get your life in order and move on.

As to why these guys come back it's all a sick game to them. They come back for attention because their latest victim dumped their a$$, to torture you some more because they are evil or see if they can win you back so they can dump you again. It's not because they realize how much they love you, they don't know the meaning of the word.

If this guy should try and contact you again I would say no deal. Don't answer and don't contact him either. I know you want things back the way they were; I wanted that too for awhile. Once the pattern starts it only continues into a vicious rollercoaster, don't get on it.

Hugs

For Marie

Thu, 07/16/2009 - 23:39 — cupcake

Hi Marie! I'm sorry to hear you have gone through something simlar and I am guessing even more pain. I'm so happy you have a beautiful daughter you can concentrate on - someone that will definietly love you back! I think I need to think about some of these questions...why do I want him back?! I guess firstly I miss him and did love him so much and hoped and hoped he would want me for his girlfriend and stayed in there thinking we would grow closer and eventually he would love me enough to value me.

But now I am at the very beginning of understanding that is never going to happen. I need to say goodbye somehow, get some sort of closure. He just totally disppeared it's not like before when he would give me the silent treatment for 2 weeks then come back strong. He has relaly gone this time. i told him I knew about his girlfriend, he denied it course but the next day removed me as a FB friend and dropped all contact so I knew for sure it was true. He lied to me! After everything we shared together he just left so quickly and abrubtly like I meant nothing to him.

It helps to know hear everyone say no contact is wise...I guess with more time this will sink in. I need to be in a place where if he does come back (and I hope he does) that I am strong enough to say so I get the last word. I just feel humiliated, used for sex, cheated on, used for his entertainment only - from someone you realyl loved that so hurts!

Thanks for listening and sharing!!

Cupcake

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 00:32 — Marie

Reading this made me teary eyed, it brought back that pain all over. Mine did the same thing to me. We started off as friends after a year I began seeing him and after that he began treating me like crap. He would disappear as well, never answering the phone or email then would come back and act as if all was well. It got old very fast but I couldn't let him go, not until I found there were others he was courting. Once the crap hit the fan he blocked me out of his life. I remember signing on everyday hoping to catch him online; nothing. Then I used a different name he didn't know and caught him signing on within a few minutes of me signing off. That made it plain as day.

He also had a FB account that he never told me about. I discovered him on their when my cousin sent me an invite to join. There he was and there were all his ladies, especially "HER". So I joined FB. Not long after that he told me about his account, I'm sure because he saw I was on there so I wouldn't think he was hiding anything. I didn't mention I had signed up. When it was brought up again at another time, I let him know I did have an account; the next day his profile was gone. So much for him saying he wanted to remain friends. He's a liar they all are. Cold hearted evil creatures.

He continued sending emails for a bit and calling but all that has stopped now. I figured out he has another name that I'm not privy to and now no longer care. He has gotten rid of his cell phone, so he says. With each thing he has done I realized he was totally cutting me out of his life. It was painful but after awhile I just felt whatever, I wanted to be left alone. Like you it's obvious he just used me for sex. He promised so much and I loved him completely but as promises were broken all my dreams died. I felt so empty, so stupid. I hated him, myself and everyone. I actually deleted the majority of people I knew off my buddy list and address book, only keeping those that are proven trusted friends. Humiliated, ashamed? Yes! The whole thing was a lie, it was hard to swallow that I had spent so much time, been so intimate and to be so betrayed. When I think of the times I spent with him it makes me want to throw up. What a fool I was. I used to think he must have gotten a good laugh of how gullible and easy I was. I no longer care but doesn't make me hate him less.

Today I ran into him after almost three weeks of no contact. He looked at me with such contempt and said nothing. He got in his car went tearing off. It's hard to believe just two summers ago he held me in his arms and I felt so loved. I hate him for taking my dreams away, for using me, for lying to me. I will never forgive him.

Stay strong don't ever go back!

stay away

Fri, 07/17/2009 - 00:10 — Barbara (not verified)

http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/nicer.html

http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/alone.html

http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/comingback.html

http://www.enotalone.com/article/4291.html

You loved
HE DIDN'T BECAUSE HE IS NOT ABLE - he's SICK SICK SICK

~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Email finder.com

Sat, 07/11/2009 - 20:45 — Marie

For anyone interested you can check this site for a fee to see what comes up for your name if anything. Sometimes the information is old or wrong but you can see if your email address is traceable with your name address and phone number.

also...

Sat, 07/11/2009 - 20:53 — Barbara (not verified)

http://www.zabasearch.com

you can find just about anyone's address and phone number here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
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he could have moved on and

Sat, 07/11/2009 - 12:15 — Carolyn

he could have moved on and might have someone else. They come back when they want something emotionally, physically, or financially. You are fortunate to be away and out of it before worse things happened. He has nothing for you but painful experiences and painful memories.

stalking online

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:59 — Barbara (not verified)

this is an open forum so

1. use a nickname he won't recognize

2. send me his email and IP number (if you know it) I will put him on the Block List to: one2one4victims@gmail.com

You can also ask me to change your nickname if you like.

You should google your name and any nicknames he knows regularly to find out what is out there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

Nickname

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 10:21 — RenewD

Barbara...YOU can change nicknames on this forum, or does Lisa? If I want mine changed, I can email you?

nicknames

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 12:23 — Barbara (not verified)

Yes I can change them.

email me at one2one4victims@gmail.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

how he contacted me

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:11 — liselotte

This is months after the break-up and I exposed him for what he was to everyone (to no avail btw), he wanted my address to forward mail he received. I told him to go **** himself. Two weeks later he sent the mail to one of my best friends, accompanied with the most friendly, charming note, again... as if nothing happened. I instructed (that's how you become)my friend to ignore him. And it took me soooooo much strength not to react, but I didn't and it now feels good.

lisolotte

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:20 — James

LOL! Looks like we are on the same line of thought. Thanks for the comment and yes they will try or do anything just to keep us in their sick plan of manipula~sic~tion.

But the worst part of it

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:25 — liselotte

But the worst part of it is... to anyone not understanding what's going on, YOU seem completely paranoid. "Ahh but he's just being polite trying to forward your post, and he even writes a nice note with it!" There's nothing wrong with that..! They don't see but to you it proves how truly disordered they are.

AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple weeks ago I dreamed I killed him, in the most sadistic way. I was shocked at myself when I woke up. That's how deep my hate towards him is. Sad... isn't it... pfff, excruciating and energy sucking.

Liselotte

Sat, 07/11/2009 - 19:47 — Marie

Absolutely so true. Everyone thinks my mental case is the greatest of guys and he would be if he was sincere. The thing is it's not his true self. In private he says nothing nice about anyone. After awhile I realized more and more of his nasty comments were about me as well, I was also included amongst the people who annoyed him. I asked him once if you feel that way don't call me or email me any longer, leave me the **** alone. Of course it was my low self esteem getting in the way, he didn't mean me. Uh huh, another one of his little mind twisting games.

He always offers to help but don't ask him. Hate people like that would rather no help be offered. I understand your hatred and dream. How can you not feel that towards someone so evil. It's almost like one of those sci-fi movies when the human image is ripped away to reveal an ugly alien creature. The only thing is you're the only one who sees it, unless they're someon who also knows the soul sucking creature.

Marie

Sun, 07/12/2009 - 01:49 — liselotte

It's so validating when someone knows and has been through the same.. Thanks for your reply!

I remember our first

Tue, 07/07/2009 - 15:09 — liselotte

I remember our first 'fight'... I told him how I felt and he said; this feels like a break-up conversation... He said it in a really sad way. I was just stunned.. It blocked everything, but of course I had no idea what I was getting in at that time!! I felt guilty for being 'hard on him'. If he reacted this way, he must be insecure.. and he was about to leave for his mission to Afghanistan, so I explained that it had nothing to with a break-up.. of course not!!

Never, ever project your own neuroticism onto them, they're not like you, they're not insecure. They are character disturbed, never got punished for being bad by their doting mother. Indulged all their lives.. No empathy, just ME ME ME.

Back Burner 2

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:12 — James

After reading some of these reply concerning this issue. One other thing I like to offer is if you want NC (No Contact) don't be surprise in the many different ways they will try to get phone numbers cell numbers email address and/or other information on you. On my blog site under Expect Anything

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/06/expect-anything.ht...

You will see how they will get other people involved and try to manipulate others to get what they want. So please expect anything and everything for whoever has no morals or conscience will try and do whatever they want no matter who gets in the way. So please be careful out there and more so on the web.

James

Sat, 07/11/2009 - 20:51 — Marie

I dated another N years ago, didn't have the name for him then but now I know what he was. We were apart for three years,no contact whatsoever. I was engaged to be married and don't you know he called me at my job. A job I never told him about, somehow he tracked me down; this was also before the internet. He ran into someone that heard I was getting married mentioned it in passing not realizing this crazy would come looking for me. I'll never forget picking up the phone that day and hearing that voice again. All I could say was "how did you get this number?" He then tried to talk me out of getting married saying I was on the rebound. After three years? I think not. How could I be missing someone who tried to strangle me.

They are sick bastards whether male or female and you definitely have to always be wary because you never know when they'll pop into your life.

stalking the back burners

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:36 — Barbara (not verified)

yup - James is right on.

Despite Psycho-Boy's NUMEROUS protestations that "he's moved on and I should too" he:

- he has friends watching my blog(s)
- has friends on the aggregator we both belong to watching me
- gets his friends to ask me to participate in a project so they can collect more information on me
- gets his friends to try to "befriend" me
- goes to my blog(s) using web proxies
- comes HERE and reads all my posts (so he can say I am still harassing HIM and play martyr)
- surfs my name & nicknames

They will find loads of covert ways to check up on you FOREVER.

Remember to them you are an object - just PROPERTY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

Back Burner

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:47 — cherlynn (not verified)

My N is pretty much untraceable, no facebook or myspace or anything. All he has is a linkedin page, his own web site and instant messenger (which I am not friends with him on)

How would I know if he is tracking me online? he has no friends... Are we safe on this forum, or if they found this forum would it be feeding the N more...

When he gave his declaration that he has moved on...do these N's have the ability to reminisce about past thoughts "good memories" or ever get hurt? Or do they have the ability altogether to ERASE your existence, what is the likihood of them doing that?

Cherlynn

Sat, 07/11/2009 - 19:59 — Marie

He might actually have a facebook or myspace. Facebook I know you can block your account so only those people you want contact with can view your profile. I believe once my N decided he was tired of me he blocked his account. He says he got rid of it but I don't believe him. He never mentioned the account for months, I came across it one day and found the lady he's now involved with on his friends list. When he finally mentioned Facebook to me months later I said I had a profile on there, the next day his disappeared.

The internet is not safe if you're trying to hide from someone too many search engines. When I sign up for things now I never use the screen name he knows and have always kept secret other names I've gone by. I also have a yahoo address which I will use that's not listed under my real name. If you Google your name or even your email address you can see if anything comes up. Unfortunately the work I do keeps my name circulating which is bad because it's easy to find out who I work for. If he knows that can always find phone numbers by calling pretending to want to hire me.

Back Burner

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 06:23 — James

When Dr. Carver talked about this issue (them leaving) and how even if it’s their ideal to discard some of their old supply it doesn’t mean we get one off the hook completely. In fact all they really do is put that supply on the back burner and then at a later date will try to reconnect if they feel they can get something out of them. Once I remember him replying to a reader when asked what was the longest time a person has been put on the back burner and then out of the blue been contacted again, I believe Dr. Carver stated one he knew was about 20 years. I believe others might even report a longer period of time concerning this issue. So even if one is abandoned don’t think that’s the end of it. Because sooner or later you will hear from them unless they're dead or are in prison. Sad but True. These people truly live up to the saying “The gift that keeps on giving” or should I say “taking”...

http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

haha the gift that just

Sat, 07/11/2009 - 20:19 — Jodie

haha the gift that just keeps on giving...i love it

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

back burner

Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:28 — Barbara (not verified)

I was in Psycho-Boy's 'catalog of girls who slept with me and might again' for 27 years before he got bored and desperate.

hopefully he's ripped my page out of that book

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

liselotte

Tue, 07/07/2009 - 15:44 — Barbara (not verified)

And NEVER NEVER NEVER:

- assume they are human

- apply human 'rules' or try to 'figure them out' according to how a normal person would act

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

fights

Tue, 07/07/2009 - 15:32 — quietude

They set the stage early on with the 'resistance is futile' kind of attitude.
This is when we had our biggest battles because I was not quite under the spell fully, and everything seemed so unreasonable. I can relate to the 'stunned' effect. You're thinking, did I just hear correctly?? I called him out back then on his behavior, but still, he managed to twist it all around somehow. And of course, eventually it was easier to just give in and agree with everything.
Gosh, I wish I cut and run then, when I initially knew something was wrong. Better late than never..

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