The following jokes are intended to explain some of the psychodynamics associated with narcissists. They are not intended to make fun of the narcissist but to make light of a difficult situation, providing some comfort to the family, especially children and partners, of a narcissist. They are also intended to be accurate from the point of view of the psychologist or psychiatrist, thereby providing a gateway towards understanding the condition. One fact which the family of the narcissist is likely to forget is that while it is distressing to live with a person who has a narcissistic disorder, the person who has the narcissistic disorder is also suffering.
# How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, a narcissist will always manage to find someone else to carry out a menial chore like that.
# What is one way to irritate a narcissist?
Pretend to enjoy doing the lowly menial chores which the narcissist has given you to do. It will make the narcissist think that he or she is missing out on something.
# Why does a narcissist get upset or moody after having just spent lots of time in his/her own company?
Well how would you feel just after having spent lots of time in the company of a narcissist?
# What should you say when a narcissist asks you what you want for your birthday?
Anything but what you actually want, at least then you will have a slim chance of actually getting what you want instead of what the narcissist thinks you ought to want.
# Psychiatrist interviewing narcissist Psychiatrist: "What is your favourite Christmas carol?"
Narcissist (with a straight face): "Hark the Herald Angels Sing About ME"
# Heated conversation between a narcissist and his/her spouse
Narcissist's spouse: I'm not like you!
Narcissist: Oh yes you are, you're as bossy as anything!(this is an example of 'projection')
# What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
Not being able to boss everyone else about.
# What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
Being equally bossy to everyone else
# Why does a narcissist find it so difficult to empathise with others?
Because he (or she) is always so busy empathising with himself (or herself)
# Why do narcissists so often complain of feeling exhausted, shattered or ill?
How would you feel if you were constantly charged with the responsibility of controlling everyone else in your family?
# Why is a narcissist unable to honour his part in agreements which he (she) has entered into?
Any agreement which the narcissist enters into is his (her) personal property and he (she) is therefore entitled to do with it whatever he (she) likes.
# What's a narcissist's definition of "rubbish"?
Items which take up space in the narcissist's house but which belong to someone other than the narcissist.
# What's a narcissist's idea of generosity?
Giving away things which the narcissist considers to be rubbish.
# What will a narcissist want to get rid of when moving house?
Those items which the narcissist considers to be "rubbish". (Maybe that's why some narcissists like to move house frequently).
# Why does a narcissist spend so much time rummaging in his/her spouse's and children's private possessions?
Well they belong to the narcissist too, don't they?
# What's a sure-fire way of getting daily verbal abuse?
Be the child of a narcissist.
# What do you call a narcissist who is never envious of others?
# What is a narcissist's idea of being abused?
Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences
# Why do narcissists indulge in gaslighting?
I don't know, why do narcissists indulge in gaslighting?
I said moonlighting, there's no such thing as gaslighting. Why did you think I said gaslighting?
# Why do narcissists indulge in projection?
Respondent: I don't know why do...
Joker: It's not narcissists that indulge in projection, its you that indulges in projection. - you are so devoid of empathy and you always want lots of attention and if I dare to criticise you, you always fly off the handle and you go on and on and on about it and you never let me get a word in edgeways and as well as that you are always being charming to people when they are present and later on you always want to criticise them behind their backs! (pause for a deep breath)
# What is accessible to a narcissist and to no-one else?
The family finances.
# What's a narcissist's idea of hard work?
Arranging for lots of people to do all the chores.
# Why does a narcissist find it tiring to have lots of visitors?
Who said that acting wasn't tiring? (the narcissist has to present a false image to those whom he/she feels the need to impress - however -If the visitors stay long enough the narcissist might eventually let his/her guard down and the visitors might see a truer picture)
# Why do narcissists feel the need to control other people?
Perhaps it makes up for them not being able to control themselves.
# How do you get a narcissist to respect other peoples' preferences?
You can dream!
# What do you call a narcissist who can graciously accept criticism or blame?
# What do you call a narcissist who is content to sit in the background during a lively discussion?
Rare! (the narcissist will always seek attention from others)
# What do you call a narcissist who can get through a whole day without criticising someone?
Unfeasible! (narcissists have to criticise others incessantly, despite the fact that they cannot bear to receive criticism)
# How can you tell when a narcissist is telling lies?
His/her lips are moving (narcissists feel a need to lie - it is regarded as an intrinsic part of his/her defenses)
# What do you call a narcissist who is apparently content to sit and watch someone else being praised?
One that's eager to impress the present company of course! (narcissists don't really like to see people other than themselves being praised unless the person being praised is of exceptionally high status)
# What should you do if you want to reveal your closest secrets to everyone?
Tell your darkest secrets to a narcissist first, then the narcissist will pass on your secret whenever he/she thinks it most appropriate(i.e. sooner rather than later).
# What do you call a narcissist who is always keen to return the favours which others do for him/her?
On the road to a cure, perhaps. (narcissists like to ask favours of others but don't really like others to ask favours of them)
# What's a narcissist's idea of compromise?
Persuading others to go along with the narcissist's preferences.
# What do you call a narcissist who is never vengeful?
# Why does a narcissist often fail to keep his/her word?
Because a narcissist's promise is the narcissist's own property. So the narcissist has a right to break his/her promise if he/she wishes.
# What do you call a narcissist who learns to empathise with people in his/her family?
Cured! (inability to empathise properly with others is a key feature of pathological narcissism)
# What do you call a narcissist who is always content to let his/her husband or wife or children choose where the family should go on holiday to?
Definitely not a narcissist! (narcissists like to get their own way when it comes to making the decisions which they consider to be important)
# What do you call a narcissist who is content to let his/her husband or wife or children choose where the family should go on holiday to?
Planning someting - He's going to run off and put the house in his name while everyone is away.