Powerful question.For nearly 20 years, I was in a relationship with an evil Narcissist. During our very first meeting when I was 19, there was conflict and I walked away from him. He was one of the most handsome men I had ever met.His charisma and presence was hypnotizing.His clothing was impeccable.He appeared to be such a gentleman throughout the evening, doting on me, and treating me as though I was a princess until the end of the evening when he attempted to seduce me.I said to him, "Is that the only reason you were nice to me this evening?" He actually said, "Well, yeah." I walked away from him. He followed me and apologized.
I saw him a year later.He was so unimportant to me me back then.I was curious that he looked familiar and I could not recall his name.Eventually, a friend recalled his name.At age 20, I approached him, playfully and gently tapped his shoulder as I asked, "Excuse me, are you NAME?"He aggressively responded,"Who wants to know?" Second time in his presence, and second time I walked away from him as I stated, "Well, not me." Later, he apologized, and asked for my number. I wrote it on a matchbook in some way hoping he would lose it and not call. He did call six times without me talking to him. He charmed my mom on the phone, and she insisted I talk to "such a nice boy." I eventually talked to him, and he charmed my friends and family to the point that they were questioning me, "He is crazy about you.He is such a nice guy. What's wrong with YOU? Give him a chance." Young and naive, I listened to others instead of my instinct to not be with him.
Within 2 months, the traumatic bond was fermented. We were making out and even though I repeatedly told him "NO" to sex, he forced himself inside me. Back then, I didn't know about date rape.I cried for days.He called the morning after and said, "Why are you crying?" I said, "I told you NO and you did it anyway." He said, "I know you said NO but I thought you really meant yes." I somehow, then felt responsible for HIS RAPE PERPETRATION. I remember thinking, maybe I should have physically fought him more, maybe I should have kicked him or bit him...Of course, my body was responding to his sensual touches but my mouth repeatedly and firmly stated, "NO!" It took me more than 20 years to no longer blame myself for his act of rape.
His pattern and narcissism is so clear to me now after two decades, a marriage to him, a child, a divorce, and the unraveling of the infrastructure of my daughter's life and my life.His mother and I became close friends, and we were his greatest enablers.Get this one. He was physically abusive on repeated occasions. On one occasion, I commented about my bruises. He said, "Oh, YOU just bruise easily." Under his evil spell, I remember thinking, "Maybe he's right. Maybe I do bruise easily." With the rose-colored glasses now shattered, I clearly see, "I DID NOT bruise because of me. I BRUISED BECAUSE OF HIM."Excuse after excuse I made for his evil, sadistic, abusive behaviors.
When I met him, I was an undergraduate psychology major and by the time we married, I had earned a master's degree in psychology.While married to him, I earned a Ph.D. in Counseling.Throughout my 20 year relationship with him, I suffered in silence.I didn't use the label "domestic violence." Instead, I said things like,"You know you walk like OJ Simpson. You and he have such a similar presence.Or, I feel like Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy.Or, I am not your whipping girl and on and on."
A counselor friend and I were recently discussing my level of denial about him and the abuse while I was with him.She said, "You didn't name it because if you named it honey, then you would have had to do something about it like leave him.You weren't ready to leave him.You loved him and you just wanted his crazy BS to stop." She is right. I did leave him all the while wanting him to get treatment that he never did, and his crazy BS has not stopped.It now plays out in our extremely flawed judicial system.
His sense of entitlement and irresponsibility to the extent of economic abuse has been validated by the courts.He left about $290,000.00 of marital debt fall upon my shoulders as he refused to shoulder any of the responsibility for the debt he and I created together.Anything I have received I had to pay my attorney to fight to gain. Do you women know that if your husband walks away from $1,900.00 per month mortgage obligations,you can be left trying to pay that debt alone? Oh, I eventually after much money spent got him to pay about a fourth of the mortgage, yet, a fourth contribution from him still placed me in a no-win situation because I was confronted with still paying three-fourths of the mortgage and almost all the other debts while trying to sell the home, and maintain stability for my daughter and me. Of course, another manipulative strategy of abusers: Place you in a no-win situation, and then point the finger at you when you cannot produce.
In my opinion, attorneys who advocate for these types of clients become the Evil Narcissist's Abusers by Proxy. It is my belief that a Narcissist's attorney is either morally and spiritually bankrupt, himself, or in great denial as I once was in denial. Three books I recommend:1.Bible 2. "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. 3."People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck. I refer to my evil-ex as Satan which means "Father of Lies;Father of Pretenses." Many blessings to all of you harmed by evil people

Keep in mind I've been with this guy for 8 years (although hopefully he'll show up Wednesday at the closing and sign off on the house.) But the mask actually came off about 3 months into it. He was on the road doing a gig with a popular band called The Van Dells and called upset about something the bandleader said to him. I was trying to make him feel better saying it probably wasn't him, the guy was probably just in a bad mood and he came back with "SHUT UP YOU F'ING B!!!) Totally out of the blue. I was so shocked I couldn't think... but of course my response was to believe that I must have actually said something wrong rather than having the correct reaction and telling him to take a hike. I spent the next 8 years of my life doing that. I didn't know it was a mask... it's only going over and over it in hindsight that I realize what occured. It was totally shocking when it occured.

7 yrs

But now I reflect on the past and I see control and manipulation that I didn't see when I was under his spell. I think things started becoming bad when we had our daughter. He told me I was making him feel trapped (week we brought her home from the hospital). That was 3 yrs after we were married;8 yrs of a relationship. Now I realize he felt threatened by the attention his own newborn took away from him. Looking back, he stole a lot of attention from her even as a baby and toddler. I remember feeling so torn about who to give my attention to. I think everyday about how I should have done mor for her than I did. Good topic.

Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o)
nolongercontrolled