this post had me in tears. I meet men all the time, and I push them away. I have for years. Im so guarded or was so guarded. Im terrified of "real love"...and im scared to be alone. My childhood was crazy, so a lot of times I dont feel "im capable"...altho I kinda know really I am. Thats how this started...it was strictly a "booty call" and I was ok with that. It was all I needed I loved to live my life the way I wanted with no strings as I wasnt ready. All of the sudden...BOOM...he is all over me, and then it became this. I want to be that lovable, desireable girl without him!!

Really good advice here. I did so many of the things you have suggested. I agree you need a quick reference as it is often in those moments when you want to pick up the phone or answer his calls that you need a quick reminder. I also like the 'not sending', but answering emails how you would like to have done.

Another one I used was typing out a letter of how I felt and then each day I would revist it and take out the bits that no longer seemed as important. What this did (and I only found out by accident) was to enable me to see how my anger faded. In the end I had one sentence left and this point took me eleven weeks to get to. One day I just thought I can delete that too! That was very symbolic.

It is really hard at first, and I understand those thoughts that go through your head. That really hurts.

I couldn't be alone for the first few weeks, and my friends were amazing. They invited me over for dinner when they knew that I couldn't make it alone. I spent a lot of time crying and grieving, taking long baths, sleeping, talking about it to friends until I was sick of hearing the sound of my own voice complaining, screaming, whining. This is part of the process, and unfortunately, it is extremely painful. BUT, I got through to the other side and you will too.

I still hurt sometimes, I still have painful memories, but mostly I remember how much emotional pain I was in and how cruel he has been to me. Because of the separation/divorce, I had to keep a detailed calendar of every incident, every insult, every nasty email and text. I have kept really good records for almost two years now, and the writing is on the wall for real. It is right there staring me in the face. I also went back and wrote down every rotten thing that he did to me (the big stuff anyway) and that was very cathartic.

I burned some things in a big bonfire at a friend's house over the winter. That also helped. I got rid of every single thing that reminded me of him in my house. I still haven't gotten rid of the wedding pics, but I am in the process of taking back my life, getting back in touch with old friends, and remembering who I was before him. He completely dominated my life? I didn't even realize it at the time. There was always so much chaos and craziness (created by him) that everything was a struggle. My life is so much easier now, even raising three kids alone!

You'll make it through whatever, but you have to go through the pain. I'm sorry to tell you that because I didn't want to go through it. I felt like I had already been through enough. You will feel whole again, you will feel happy again. I promise.

But he's so great and wonderful and LOVESSSSS himself to death, go find someone else and stop chasing me, if you cant be normal!!!!!
WHY ME?!

p.s - your other post is very touching.

by Sandra Brown, MA

Never before in my 20 year career have I seen more 'relapsing back into pathological relationships' than I have lately.

"What's wrong with me? Why do I do this?" they ask.
My answer is -- I don't know... why DO you do it?

"I didn't know what I was doing..."
Yes you did. Contact is a choice.

"I just thought he changed this time."
No you didn't -- you know pathology is permanent.

"I was lonely."
O.K., loneliness is not fatal -- but these relationships often are. Your loneliness and need does not change his permanent disorder.

Nothing has changed except your thoughts about him and the relationship. That's the only change. Since pathology is marked by an inability to change and sustain positive change, your thoughts are the only change in the relationship that there is. And maybe your desire or need.

Relapsing begins FIRST in the mind long before it becomes a behavior-seeking missile that is fired off to destroy yourself and your recovery. This is why being in a Pathological Love Relationship Support Group is so important -- whether that's in a chat forum, an in-person support group you attend, or an online tele-conferencing group. You need support that keeps your THINKING outside of the fantasy zone. Without support, you are likely to sink right back into the old fantasy hopefulness that keeps you glued to a go-nowhere and dangerous relationship.

Relapse Thinking sounds like this in your head:

* You take all the material you've learned from books or online back to the pathological and try to convince them they are pathological and need help.

* You tell them what your counselor has said about them, you, or the relationship--hoping the impact from a professional will 'change their mind' about their condition.

* You say, "Now that I 'think' I know what 'might' be wrong with them, I'll wait and watch for them to do these behaviors. Then I'll have evidence for why I'm leaving."

* When they, in fact DO one of the behaviors, you either point it out to them as proof you were right, or, you find reasons why the behavior isn't 'exactly' what you read and therefore, they may not be pathological afterall!

* You read the materials and literature looking to find all the traits they don't have. You reread the literature on good days so you can cross off behaviors they aren't doing today.

* You find reasons to disbelieve the literature about the disorder.

* You avoid your counselor, this website, or others who know about the disorder.

* You become 'spiritually hopeful' so you can stay in the relationship because "God is going to heal them."

* You begin reading 'Positive' Psychology materials so you can HOPE he can change - even though pathology is about no-change.

* You call his girlfriends or exes to get them to confirm or deny he's pathological.

* You hire a private investigator to follow them, hack into their phone or computer, for 'just a little more info' on why you should leave them (but then, you don't leave.)

* You feel sorry for them more than you feel anger for your own pain.

* You focus on the few good times and stuff your own feelings about the deceitful behavior.

* You encourage them to carrot-dangle some future hope or potential to you so you can say "We're try it ONE MORE time."

* You think you are confronting them because you stand up to them and so you are not being victimized by them if you are voicing your thoughts.

* You minimize their previous deceitful, manipulative, dangerous, exploitative or lethal beahvior by saying "I was probably over exaggerating it."

* You label yourself "just as sick as they are" so you might as well stay with them. No one healthy would want you.

* You envy their lack of conscience and remorse and see it as a 'good life' feature and wish you were like that and cared less about what happened to you. Everything seems to go their way when they lack conscience.

* You hyper-focus on their behavior and avoid taking care of yourself. The relationship/them become the reason for: your unhappiness, health, financial, or other problems.

* You study to death all the traits of every kind of disorder you think they might have and don't leave because you 'want to totally understand it before you leave' and need 'just a little bit more' understanding or validation from others -- their family, their therapist, your therapist, your friends, etc.

* You start softening, missing them, minimizing their behavior, focusing on your own loneliness, panic about who or what they are doing, make excuses to have contact with them. And ~ VIOLA~ you're back in.

The 'emergency session' calls that everyone wants to have is always AFTER they have done one of these behaviors and then feels awful about their relapse. The emergency session needs to be WHILE you are having these thoughts and BEFORE you acted on them.

Every time you go through one of these cycles of relapses, it just numbs you more to why you should be out. It makes it easier and easier to relapse. And easier for the thinking to start back up in your head and be totally unrecognized by you.

Damage is done to YOU each time you are in and out of the pathological love relationship, damaging your sense of reality even further -- training YOURSELF how to hypnotize your belief system with one of the thinking phrases listed above. You are also teaching the pathological how to get you back in the relationship.

They aren't stupid! They are master behavior analysts that study what works with you. Stop teaching them!

There is so much that the pathological relationship has legitimately done and damaged in you. But there is so much you DO TO YOURSELF in your relapsing. Relapse prevention requires work. It doesn't just 'happen' that you declare you are 'done' and you stay gone. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole community to help you get out and stay out until MUCH MORE TIME down the road, you are strong enough on your own.

I said, MUCH MORE TIME.

Day one of healing does not happen until you are out and have been out and have been emotionally disconnected for SEVERAL months. People who say they are recovering but are in and out and having constant relapse contact, I don't consider to have even day-one under their belt.

* For those of you who are truly ready to start a new life, we are here to help you.

* If you are still playing cat and mouse games with pathology, contact us when you're serious.

We are offering NEW online tele-conferencing support groups. Here's one way to get the support and help you need to get out and stay out. And don't forget we offer help in almost every format imaginable: books, e-books, workbooks, hypnosis CDs, mindfulness skills training, retreats, phone counseling... there just isn't a reason to stay stuck.

Unwedge yourself!

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com