The Other Woman - Now He's Happy - WITH HER!

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Suzy Chapstick

April 26, 2010 - 2:26pm — seancunningham

I used to refer to mine as Suzy Chapstick. Used it constantly. Told N I should buy stock in the company!!

Ok, now it's getting really scary!!!

Chapstick

April 26, 2010 - 1:36pm — foolmeonce

Yep - the ex N loves chapstick - puts it on constantly!!!!!

ooops

April 26, 2010 - 3:03pm — quietude (not verified)

Okay, this made me LOL, I have to keep lip balm on constantly...but I like the tinted ones :)

After my exN left, my body went nuts, had to have gall badder surgery, found out I have Hashimoto's (thyroid disease)...and one of the symptoms, DRY SKIN!

So I blame my lip balm habit on my a-hole exN...I'd like to send him the bill for that, along with all the medical ones!

I'm assuming a guy? How old?

April 26, 2010 - 1:39pm — loveofmylife

So is excessive chapstick another N quality? I've never seen anyone in my life do this so much!

I know some of you can relate to the anxiety surrounding the OW. I'm doing better these days in general regarding this extremely painful situation. The ex-N and I go back and forth on ignoring/interacting (he initiates almost all of it). We work together, so it's impossible to go NC.

But there are certain days when it appears that he leaves iwth the OW (who also works here), and as I am busy with commitments (and he knows this), he slips out "unnoticed." I think this is going to be one of those days, from what I can tell (I may be reading into it, but little signs suggest), and I'm already starting to have an anxiety attack.

The two of them together is still the hardest part, so whenever one of their get-togethers seems to come round, I start to panic. Other times I can get through the day, but on this note, when I think they're together, I can barely breathe. I'm anticipating a terrible afternoon when I get back from my appontment and see for sure that he's gone.

Right now he's ignoring me anyway (not sure why, but he never seems to want to look to eager and so he pulls back after so much contact). He's lying low, etiher because he doesn't want to give me too much attention or because he wants to make a clean get-away today. He should be out on appontments right now but is already back and perhaps clearing up his work so he can take off. It's the disappearing act that undoes me. Loss of control on my part, over him/them/myself. Just can't get a grip on these days. The last time this happened, a few weeks ago, I could bare cope (couldn't sleep, had to do deep breathing to get through the night, thought I might throw up).

Any advice? At any rate, thanks for letting me vent here and get this out to someone.

Rinalda

April 23, 2010 - 11:07pm — loveofmylife

I can completely relate to what you are going through...we discussed this before...but the same thing happened to me.

Lunch time would roll around and the anxiety would start building up. We had lunch together for 6 - 7 months everyday, and then all of a sudden, BAM, no lunch. I think this is when the chemistry.com dates started happening. He would come into my office, smiling, flirting, and putting on his lip gloss slowly, which I always thought was a sexual sign to me.

And then he would just walk out the door without a word to me. Well, I would always know he would be going on a date, because if he had a business lunch he would be sure to tell me and what they were talking about.

And like you, the whole time, my heart would be skipping beats and I would feel like I was going to have a panic attack with the difficulty in breathing. I even told him several times how this effected me...but he didn't care... he just said I needed to "accept it". Well, the way I "accepted it" was to tell him I could no longer work with him because it was too hard. And his counter was to threaten me to tell everyone the REAL reason why I couldn't work with him (unrequited love). Sweet, huh?

I could never get over this. People on this forum had good ideas like:
- leave somewhere first
- let him know you are busy
- setup your own social schedule during lunch so that you have something to look forward to.

But honestly, I couldn't get over this until I asked him not to come into the company anymore. And then of course on the ONE DAY he did come in in ONE MONTH, he made sure to have a meeting with me at 11am and then tell me he had to leave the meeting becuase he had a lunch with his ex-fiancee. He had her come into the company and then after lunch, they gave their long goodbye in front of the glass lobby in full view. Talked and smiled for a long time and hugged. The bastard. This was quite a show he put on for my viewing pleasure.

Anyone, all I can say is that I completely understand what you are going through and for me, the only thing that made it better was having him not work with me anymore.

And you still got to call

April 23, 2010 - 11:34pm — better off

And you still got to call the shots and kick him the hell out of YOUR company... so good on you. He's not the boss. You are.

He wears lip gloss???

Lip Gloss

April 23, 2010 - 11:49pm — loveofmylife

:) - oops, just regular chap stick, not lip gloss. But its funny that I always thought that was a sexual sign to me until I realized that he did it in front of all women. ughhh.

What's with the chapstick??

April 26, 2010 - 12:44pm — herlatestvictim

My N is a lesbian but also constantly applies the lip balm! I think it is meant to be part of their seduction... to get you looking at their lips! Jerks.

chapstick

April 26, 2010 - 1:18pm — loveofmylife

yep - probably just a subconscious technique to see how many flies they can catch in their web. I've never seen anyone else do this so constantly....including women. And for it to be a 50 year old man (although a hot one), is unusual. That's why I always thought it was a sign to me....but it is apparentely a sign to everyone.

Same situation here!

April 23, 2010 - 2:06pm — herlatestvictim

It kills me to see my N with the OW! Same work situation as you, and always feel like they are laughing at me. UNLESS my N is coming to me to laugh at HER! That happens also, depending on which of us is being devalued/discarded that day.
It also helps when I see her looking like her face is going to fall off because she is so upset.. when I was deep in this emotional mess, I too found myself so upset by something my N did or said that my feelings were all over my face. KILLS me when I see her happy though... I remember that too. But that never lasts long.

I make every effort to not pay attention to what is going on. It's really hard but it helps. I also pray A LOT and focus on detaching... I can't control anything she does and know there is so much going on that I don't see or even know about. I am also SURE that this OW is only one of many! Knowing that helps too.

Last night I learned that the OW in my office "lends" my N cash! I was upset at first but laughed later realizing, better her than me. I am always so careful to not give anything... the love I gave and the attention that she always manages to get from me is already far too much!

Good luck Rinalda! Remember, the OW will be treated just as badly as your N treated you.

wow wow wow!!! what happened

April 23, 2010 - 6:25pm — AnotherPath

wow wow wow!!! what happened to sisterhood.? You have hatred towards her???? why? she's an innocent woman caught up in his personality disorder and web of delusion. She's like us all here in our different stages, she's a woman fooled by his mask just as you were, we've all been there. He's the problem for you both not her.

Can you ever imagine going to a bar with her having a drink and relaying both your experiences of this despicable narcissists. You'd probably have a right laugh together, both calling him on his shit, finding out how he's using you both to hurt you, how much he's lied to you lovely ladies. Wouldn't it be amazing if you joined forces and and both decided not to tolerate him anymore he'd be SO scared, caught out in his game and exposed. Now that's worth putting your energy into not hating her.

Just another perspective.

Sisterhood gone awry

April 24, 2010 - 10:16am — Rinalda

AnotherPath--I wish that she and I could band together on this, but she has made it impossible to unite. We were actually "friends" to some degree before this all happened, but she watched and waited and started putting herself in the scene when he and I were together. She flirted, complimented him in front of me, acted annoyed to see me around the office and commented on my being there (?? I'm full-time, she's part-time--I have much more reason to be in on any given day than she has).

Anyway, she went for him and succeeded. That is why this whole situation has taken such a horrible turn. She had to have him because I did (competitive, jealous woman, and one looking for validation from men). Normally I don't play headgames with women--never have. But she stabbed me in the back and thinks nothing of it.

Maybe one day she'll see the light. She appears to be ignoring signs right now that even I've picked up on in his behaviour.

I really wish she wouldn't keep feeding that ego-- I'm sure he feels pretty pleased with himself at this point and it sickens me (when I'm not feeling sick over their interaction). From my observations, he's trying to call the shots with her, too, as he did with me--king on his throne at work. This is why I try not to give him any attention.

Put yourself first! Her feelings are not your problem...

April 26, 2010 - 1:07pm — herlatestvictim

I am all about sisterhood and would love nothing more than to ban together with the OW and take the N down a peg but it's not going to happen as long as she is in the early stages of "love."

I only worry about maintaining my own sanity at this point. Getting through a work day in this situation is a miracle on some days... if I take joy in watching her pout, so be it. She takes much pleasure in watching me when I am being ignored, discarded. I used to alter my behavior around the OW to protect her feelings... silly me. No one is watching out for my feelings, except me!

What works best for me, when I can manage it, is to not show any emotion. I learned that here (thanks Barbara!). That works wonders... I also try to leave the room first, take walks around the building if the pressure gets too much and ALWAYS walk with my head held high in front of either of them!

Good Luck Rinalda.

Saving one's own sanity

April 26, 2010 - 2:32pm — Rinalda

herlatestvictim--Thanks for your message. Yes, our own well-being, our bloody SANITY, is the priority.

It does seem a struggle just to make it through the work day, doesn't it? I know you're having a hard time. Likewise, there's always something that seems to throw me. I was all prepared to hold my head up and be "unaffected" today, and he isn't even here! Now I feel somehow ignored. And I'm sure I'm going to be "punished" when I next see him because I was a little cool when we last spoke.

And then dealing with the "replacement" peson....especially when they are obnoxious or competitive. There will be banding together on this end, either. Neither of them has cared whatsoever about my feelings or pain.

It's a no-win situation for me in some ways. I feel the gap/void when he's not here, but then get bothered by something or other when he is. Probably best that he's away today. Do you get days where you don't have to cross paths with either of them?

So when you hide the emotion and find that helps, is it because you calm yourself down by doing so? Or is it enactment, the role-play ("acting as if"), that I've heard can actually become real if you do it long enough.

Leaving the room first, get out of the building, and holding one's head high. All good suggestions. Taking some action, rather than simply waiting for the N (or his/her new pawns) to act and then make us react. Good luck to you, too, in all this. Sending you good, positive thoughts.

Send positive thoughts your way too!

April 26, 2010 - 5:59pm — herlatestvictim

I do get days without the OW. Those days are better HOWEVER I know she picks N up for lunch on those days and is constantly emailing and texting N. I hate that I know this and think about it all the time.

I also get days without the N which are good but again, she is either texting or calling... or not, which leads me to believe she is texting or calling the OW.

I have had only 1 day without both of them and all day I wondered if they were together.

I wish I could completely lose this part of my memory. Any part that involves the N.

Sometimes when I hide the emotion, it's because I talked myself down... other times it is purely an act. Mostly, it's an act... followed by moments in the restroom where I have to fight tears and get myself back together.

The best I have ever felt since the N is when I did my best to keep contact to a minimum, emotionless. It did make her chase me more... but I responded without emotion, as little attention as possible. I am really struggling to get back to that limited contact. Mostly because I don't want the OW to win. I know that sounds stupid... but I am only human.

Good luck! I'm so glad to know that I am not alone. Neither are you :)

Minimizing contact; N's perception and satisfaction

April 26, 2010 - 10:20pm — Rinalda

herlatestvictim--I can relate to all of this. It sucks. The agonizing over what they are doing and where they are. The "I have to get it together" moments in the bathroom.

It sounds like keeping contact to a minimum had a positive effect (but I know what you mean about not being able to stay away all the time, not wanting the OW to win. I've had those feelings many times, and I HATE the fact that she seems to think she has got him when I wanted him).

Yet as Barbara said, the prize ain't worth having. She inherits garbage.

It's hard negotiating whether or not to be at work when it's optional. I don't necessarily have to go in tomorrow but there is something I want to attend. Problem is that I don't want him to think I'm there to see him, especially after he stayed away today, so now I'm torn about what to do. The last thing I want is to give him any sense of power, of still "luring" me by his presence. Should I care what he thinks when I legitimately have a reason to be there? Or just forget the work-related thing in the name of NC?

Think of that way, maybe, when you are tempted to resume contact. Do you want to give N any satisfaction? The OW will get her rude awakening anyway, no doubt.

herlatestvictim

April 26, 2010 - 7:09pm — Barbara (not verified)

I'd WANT the OW to win... since that N is such a prize! LOL be what she deserves.

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

rinalda

April 24, 2010 - 11:23am — quietude (not verified)

You may want to research 'Triangulation', I know it's been discussed here before.

Nobody's going to deny this is a very difficult spot to be in. But I truly feel that what will help you in the long-run is to walk around with your head up...when they're around and you're chatting with others, smile as if you don't have a care in the world (of course not overdoing it!) N's h-a-t-e lack of attention, and the fact that you are not a willing participant in his childish game of pitting people against each other.
If she compliments him in front of you, or if they say anything to you, ignore...keep topics only work-related if you have to even deal with them. Show NO emotional content. Of course she's nervous about you being around, he's an N, that means multiple supplies are needed...and her intuition is kicking in. As amazed explained, she is essentially a victim in this game. She'll eventually be D&D'd as well...tossed on the heap like everyone else.

Oh, and plan you OWN luncheons that you can enjoy without including them. Doing these things will help you regain control of your life, something N's take away from us...it takes time to regain that. So all this is not only to send them a message, but to help YOU.

And since of course you are still hurting, talk to your therapist, come here to vent whenever you need to, and treat yourself really well in the meantime. You may begin to see some changes in how you view the situation as a whole, and start to feel a bit better.

No emotion

April 24, 2010 - 12:42pm — Rinalda

quietude--Thanks. Regaining control is highly desirable right now. I feel like my thoughts and feelings have just taken over my life. Good suggestions.

I was reading about how Ns like emotional targets they can provoke; they get amused by triggering reactions in people (fear, anger). It bothers me to think that I am amusing or bolstering him or his ego in any way, so I will work hard on acting cool and unruffled.

I ignore her already and try to ignore him but 1) I still seem to need some kind of acknowledgement from him. I wish I didn't but am working on detaching and 2) he gets in my face to chat, ask me how things are, discuss work, etc.

And I've started leaving the office for a while suddenly in the middle of the day. Must plan my own lunches.

well, may be it's early days

April 24, 2010 - 10:39am — AnotherPath

well, may be it's early days for you and her to get back on track. You're going to have to wait till she's discarded. You know how our heads are so f..cked up when with them, it's embarrassing when looking back some of the things we do under their spell. She may well apologise for her behaviour when you were with him. He may have been sucking her in while you were with him behind your back. She may be quite embarrassed in the future when she's dumped in a really bad way. It's just I reckon he gets a kick out of knowing you two are head to head, he's playing you off each other and it's working right now for him, and I do hate to see a narc getting what he wants. Anyway, I guess your revenge on her right now is that she's got that poisonous abuser as a boyfriend.......for now.

Head to head

April 24, 2010 - 12:47pm — Rinalda

Anotherpath--Can't get a grip on his possible glee at watching us go head to head, but you are probably right about his tactics. I'm doing my best to ignore it all.

Yes, it's like a sick joke the universe is playing when N's get what they want. But phoney liars embroiled with each other maybe don't have such a good time.

He does want you two to fight over him!

April 26, 2010 - 1:14pm — herlatestvictim

My N actually said, when I wouldn't participate in getting her attention, that I should "step up" and not let the OW take over!
(My response, "don't you ever suggest that I compete with her over you. If it's a contest, I don't want any part of it.")

In another situation, I was disgusted to see the OW wearing a provacative top to work. I commented to the N on how this was done for her benefit and the rest of the office shouldn't be subjected to this gross attempt at getting attention. My N said "when are you going to start showing some skin to get my attention!?"
(My response, "NEVER. If you want it, go get it!")

I have a smart mouth but trust me, I was in tears after both of the confrontations above.

Yes, triangulation. Yes, they want to see us fight over them. They enjoy every minute of our agony.

When I look back on some of

April 24, 2010 - 10:56am — Janet

When I look back on some of my behavior it is as though it wasn't me at all. Turning by back on my family and smiling and acting happy while I was being slowly sucked dry. The "happy front" we put up while under their evil spell is weird.

Peace. J

evil spell

April 24, 2010 - 1:16pm — Barbara (not verified)

Go to the MY BLOG section at left and read the THREE posts entitled "AM I UNDER HIS SPELL?"

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

herlatestvictim--Thank you

April 23, 2010 - 5:43pm — Rinalda

herlatestvictim--Thank you for your message and the good wishes. I hope you can also stay strong and distracted (!) and remember how your ex-N *was*--the ugly truth--whenever thoughts about them start unravelling you. I'm sure seeing her having less than a good time helps. And anything that helps get you through right now is important. The ex sounds like a jerk for playing both sides, laughing in an 'equal opportunity' way. But please don't feel mocked. The N truly hurts themself in the long run by doing this. The joke may turn on the joker.

remember karma is a b@tch

April 23, 2010 - 1:18pm — woundedsoul36

remember karma is a b@tch when you look at him

Karma

April 24, 2010 - 10:20am — Rinalda

woundedsoul36--I will try to think of that when those lying eyes look at me.

thats what i have to think

April 24, 2010 - 10:33am — woundedsoul36

thats what i have to think about...karma.
I have morals and a conscience..it guides me through my life, it is what separates me from him and his kind
I could get down on his level and try to make his life miserable but that would require effort from my part..and he doesnt even deserve that from me.
In every part of the world ...people/cultures have something similar in their religion to the golden rule:
"do unto others as you would have done to you"
Ive seen it karma come back around to get those that do wrong..it could take a lifetime but look at NarcNarc's N...paybabck is a bi*tch
Your N..is evil Rinalda...the woman he is with now is just a victim. He has smeared and twisted stuff about you to her, probably convinced her that you can't let go of him and that you stalk him. He has probably secured her loyalty to him...

what he actually has done is created a "triangle" which is one of the most powerful seduction tool these predators use.
I know it's hard to not dislike her..she's joined in on his game in hurting you. she is the new woman that has taken your place...
but in actuality . you should be happy it isnt you..you got out and just like someone else said, she may be here in a few months herself...keep your faith girl

Is there no possible way

April 23, 2010 - 12:41pm — TexN (not verified)

You can transfer or get another job?? Its bad enough what you've been thru but then have it rubbed in your face??! I would put my resume out everywhere! He is soo not worth you getting sick (or your sanity!)

Handling the sadness?

April 25, 2010 - 8:31am — Rinalda

I know that many of you are angry and incensed by what the N has done to you. I wish I could get angrier--when I remember the bs, when I think of how he has insulted and disrespected me, I feel less burdened by the pain, stronger, more sure of myself.

Anger comes and goes. Right now, I just feel pain (surrounding the "loss" of this guy and his interest in the OW). How do all of you cope with the sadness, the sheer sadness and grief? When I'm not anxious over what he is up to with the OW, I feel like I'm stuck in the pain. Sometimes it feels like I go backwards instead of forwards with all of this and just want to cry.

rinalda

April 25, 2010 - 5:20pm — Barbara (not verified)

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/09/09/grieving-and-healing-after-re...

~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals

Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

Despise her

April 23, 2010 - 1:23pm — Rinalda

TexN--I wish. I thought I might not be able to find anything or have the guts to pack up and start over again. I worked hard for this job. But I may have to leave. This is tearing me apart. I despise this woman and can't stand the fact that they get this over on me.

rinalda

April 23, 2010 - 12:38pm — quietude (not verified)

Wow, I don't know how much actual advice I can offer here, other than some good old-fashioneed support. That must be extremely difficult to work with your exN. It's no wonder you're feeling this way. To be honest, I don't know how many folks would be able to actually see their N's day in and day out...with the OW, no less parading around...OY!
I have a hell of a lot of respect for those ladies here who have to!

Panic attacks stink, I get them from time to time and have my happy pills to get me through those moments. I don't know if you are on any meds, but they definitely help me feel more chilled out.

Gosh, who knows what the heck Mr. Sneaky is doing, and who cares? They're all weirdos, imho. They do the most nonsensicle things...and for what reason?? It can drive you nuts trying to figure out their motives. I know how hard it is to think of the OW, but really...be glad he's her problem now, and glad that he's ignoring you. The less you're involved in his sicko twisted world, the better off you are. We all have our moments of feeling like crap after the break up because of things like this. It's par for the course. Good to keep your journal handy too, so you can go back and read all the dispicible stuff he's done...may help get you though those times.
Hugs!

Distress

April 23, 2010 - 1:09pm — Rinalda

quietude--Thanks for your reply. To make matters worse, she is suddenly here now, as I thought. She's done early and has made a loud annoucement about it; she's now buzzing around talking to different people. One of the other times they left together, she was in like this, waiting for him, hanging around. She is holding some kind of impromptu meeting here instead of where she should be and is flitting around making noise. And she's still putting herself in the picture even though I can see he's started dicking her around already.

And he didn't ask me to join the group going to lunch, perhaps so that I wouldn't be seen coming back with him (in case she was here, which she is). I just knew this was going to happen today,

Yes, it's truly awful, her parading around (and she is a prima donna), him on and off with me, me having to witness their sudden departures. I think I'm regressing. Lately their disappearances have knocked me sideways. I feel distressed right now and have commitments this afternoon that I have to honour. I don't know how I'll get through the day but thank you for reminding me what a sick jerk he is. I don't even respect him anymore. I seem to forget it when this happens.

rinalda

April 23, 2010 - 2:36pm — quietude (not verified)

Well, think of it this way ~~ If things were so great, why is she show-boating so much? Why is she making a specticle? If you are secure in a relationship, you are a bit more discreet than that, imho. She's doing the "everything is great & we're happy" dance...I remember doing that in front of my family too, but on the inside, I was a confused mess. Also, my N pushed me in a sublte way to always keep him in a good light to others, talk about how great he is, what he does (funny how I always felt stupid doing it, probably because I didn't believe it deep down myself! lol)

He didn't ask you to join? Good, who wants their appetite ruined by Dork & Co. Plus, now that you're onto him, you could easily make him look bad, something he's likely secretly hoping never happens.

Which brings me to my next point...you are SO above all these stupid grade-school dynamics. You may have seen similar stories on the board, the odd behavior of the greusome-twosome around the 'old supply' who was D&D'd.
I know it hurts, but in front of them, keep up the "I don't give a sh**" routine, and hopefully, they'll calm the hell down.
Hope you get to treat yourself to something special this weekend! :)

Thanks for 'being there'; changing the perspective

April 24, 2010 - 10:32am — Rinalda

quietude--Thank you. Reading these posts got me through the day. Sometimes I can't even put into words how much this hurts. It is just unreal--him, them, all of it.

Good point on the 'I dont' give a sh** routine'. It does seem to unnerve him a little when I go about my day 'unaffected' and interact with other men. I always wonder just how much he wants me to know about the OW, bc he tries to conceal her from me and does everything in secret. But maybe he does get off on thinking that he's upset me.

I guess you're right about lunch. Didn't need it. Don't need him, either. The mistaken thought that I'm missing out on something is probably what is making all of this so hard. I know he's a lying, snake-tongued bastard, but still I mourn. I've tried to change my perspective so many times (retraining the brain) but so far nothing really sticks or not for long. As soon as I have to see her come in, looking good, and knowng she is there to pander to his need for power and control, I feel disempowered.

I'll try to remember the showboating side of it, the 'we're happy' act--and I do sense her discomfort around me still, which means that she isn't sure where I fit in to the picture. I'm sure he's got her off-kilter, too, like he had me (never feeling secure). But I got out of it once I realized what he was up to--she still takes his crap, apparently. Oooooohhhhh--he so deserves to get dumped again.

My head spins from all of this.

I agree with quietude... she

April 23, 2010 - 3:02pm — better off

I agree with quietude... she wouldn't be making a show of it unless she was scared and insecure as hell, which of course she is. He probably throws YOU in HER face all the time. So she's "showing you" she's still got him. Lucky lucky her. She probably has no clue that you are actually trying to AVOID him. Anyway, she sounds like a jerk too.

Rinalda, seriously... they are probably going to sneak away, so he can fantasize about porn and probably not be able to get it up with HER now. blech!

better off--Thanks for your

April 24, 2010 - 10:42am — Rinalda

better off--Thanks for your post. You're so right: she probably is scared and likely doesn't have a clue that I'm trying to avoid him. She hasn't put two and two together, being so deluded or passive or intent on having that relationship. Yeah, "lucky her" for having him. I know she'll get worked over, too. He may indeed be throwing me in her face--God only knows what tricks he pulls with her. I know what he did to me.

But for now I have to endure this terrible three-way thing. And he thinks he's a stud for having two women at work. Well, he had me for a while, but then I walked. So hopefully he does feel that sting sometimes.

Ha ha on the porn overdose and limpness. I needed a little laugh. Thanks.

Left Behind

April 11, 2010 - 11:01am — seancunningham

I go back and forth with feelings of being left behind. But, during our exit interview he said..."I don't care...I never did" I knew that this wasn't a good person. Even his face has a permanent scowl on it. I always thought he looked angry. They are who they project.

I too, need to remember. He is the other person's problem now. Scene II will be a duplicate of Scene I. I was accused of being overbearing, addicted, obsessed. I was none of these...I swear. I was just there. On the whole, I think I called him 5 times. I never went over to his house without being invited. I was just a comfortable rest stop. He was doing whatever he wanted without question.

So, he's flaunting the other person. He will do the same thing to them...it's just a matter of time. They tire of people very quickly. They love danger and risk. It's a sport to them. The players are different but the game is always the same.

My dad used to say "never buy a used car...you're taking on someone else's headache". How true.

At the time

April 11, 2010 - 11:17pm — TexN (not verified)

MY narc discarded me, he TEXTED me & said it was over...He said I had been dead to him for the past two years! He knew me & the kids waited for him to come home on the weekends but he not once had the balls to tell me he had someone else! I think we were his "home base". He totally trashed me to her, saying I was a physco bitch, didn't let him see the kids, that all we ever did was argue, he also said I was nothing but drama. None of that was true. Yes we would argue but it was because nothing i did was right, nothing made him happy. He always seemed to be mad at the world! It wasn't long before the new gf figured him out & broke up with him. She told me that he had said, "Now what the fuck am I suppose to do? I don't have you & now i don't have her!" (Of course, it wasn't long til we were both replaced!) After that he moved back close to a town where me & the kids lived at, he called me (by this time i had gone back to my husband), he called me crying, saying he wanted to kill himself, that he was such a f*** up. I was really worried about him...I swear, it wasn't more than 3 hours later & he calls me (no longer suicidal) & wants to know if i would cosign so he can buy a truck! WTF???! I could not believe my ears! He said my husband would never know! I asked him, "Are you kidding me? You've ruined my credit so bad, I needed a cosigner to get my own car!" Did he forget what he did to me? He cheated on me, he used me & my kids & then threw us away! He said, "I thought we said we'd do anything for each other??!" Uh, hello dumbshit, alot has happened since we said that comment to each other! What a twisted piece of s**t! He has no concept of what he has done to my life...

It's so audacious, isnt it?

April 23, 2010 - 11:11pm — neveragain5

It's so audacious, isnt it? I think that's the thing that got me wound-up the most was how they have the nerve to ask for things that were so outrageous, escpecially after the way we were treated. Then they just dismiss how they acted or twist things around to make it seem like you are the one that is overreacting.

Sending good thoughts your way

April 14, 2010 - 9:15am — Rinalda

TexN and narcnarcwhosthere--I'm sorry to hear that you both have suffered so much at the hands of the N. It's hard to know what to say when they have obviously done so much damage to your lives. It's sad to read about the lengths they will go to be destructive and at the same time the absolutely pathetic ways they seek attention.

I wish I could change things for you. What I CAN do is send you (and all the members here) positive thoughts of peace and a better future...

Rinalda

April 14, 2010 - 10:02am — TexN (not verified)

Thank you for your response. Yep, after 7 yrs all i got was a text. I don't guess I'll ever be rid of him since we have a child together. He uses her everytime he gets a new gf so he can seem like a wonderful father. Previous year he saw her & showed her off to new gf, didn't see her again. Last year he saw her & introduced her to his latest supply & hasn't seen her again. Now we're going to court. He's claiming I'm keeping our daughter from him!!??! Geez...

all very familiar.......

April 12, 2010 - 10:18am — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

thy are SHAMELESS....that piece of shit psychonarc..after all he'd done to me....when i stole my car back from the cockroach..and he had got some piece of shit buddy of his to give him money to buy a junk heap to drive..when the starter went out on it....he had the nerve to send me an email...

'i need you to give me 175 dollars to have my car worked on, because you took THE car away from me. i need it by tomorrow'

he'd murdered my dog...destroyed my business...made me lose my home...drove me into poverty...and yet still had the nerve and sense of entitlement to DEMAN i give HIM money...

i hate his guts and i wish he was dead.........

they don't care

April 12, 2010 - 1:00am — Barbara (not verified)

He has no concept of what he has done to my life...

No they don't and never will. And whoa unto you if you say OUCH or COMPLAIN or STAND UP TO THEM or ask for ANY ACCOUNTABILITY - you will be treated like Public Enemy #1 and attacked relentlessly.

~~~~~~~~~
Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals

seancunningham--Thanks for

April 11, 2010 - 1:48pm — Rinalda

seancunningham--Thanks for your message. That was a harsh and cruel thing he said to you at the end. But, as you say (and it's good that you realize), it just reflects his character. A normal person doesn't have a relationship and not care about it or the break-up. It also sounds like it was intended to wound. Good point about him being the other person's problem now.

I don't know if my ex-N is flaunting the OW to me or not. He generally hides her/them from me and slips out when I'm not there to see. He's stopped going off to be with her for short meetings, I've noticed.

A few times lately he has been more overt about talking to her or me--the triangulation, I guess, that others have mentioned. I thought maybe they were having trouble because he suddenly talked to me in front of her, but then he must have been with her the other day again....

He must know that I know, so maybe in that sense it is flaunting it. Does he have to leave for the day and not come back to the office? That just gives it away....

I think I had an anxiety attack after that happened (lightheaded, couldn't sleep at night, had to do deep breathing to calm down, literally thought I was going to throw up).

I only see snippets of their interaction, because she isn't in every day (thank God). I know I should stop caring and trying to understand what is going on with them.

It's true that he'll treat her the same way he treated me and may even be gettting bored already. Or, at least, he's bored or aloof with her until the sex calls again, and then he takes off.

the other MAN....

April 2, 2010 - 8:20am — narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

the psychonarc has sunk soooooo low that there is no 'other woman'....he had to scrounge up a MAN!!... a 52 year old convicted felon for persistent DWI...he has no driver's license...he's a drug addict...and an alcoholic...who lives on disability for being an alcoholic...he's not pretty by any means...but they are very much in love...
the psycho actually thought he could get me into a triangle with him and some loser MAN he's latched onto ......if it was a WOMAN...i'd try to give her a head's up...since he's finally reached his own level and is romancing a piece of skank just about like himself...i figure i'll just leave them to cannibalize each other........

LOL!!!

April 11, 2010 - 2:34pm — wallaby (not verified)

Such a great image- the tow of them cannibalizing each other. God you make me laugh.

Fake

March 31, 2010 - 12:03pm — moving on

The OW has to know that he is a fake. Doesn't she? I mean it is so obvious. Even after I told her, she didn't listen and was her date to her brother's wedding. I mean he even has a picture with her mom. It's so disgusting. I have no idea if she is just putting up with all his crap so she can get married or if he is actually treating her better. With me, he was affectionate, then would withhold, resulting in me becoming clingy and needy, which was his plan from the start. Now he is telling her that I am psycho and clingy when he's the one who rushed into it from the first day I met him!

Rinalda said "But then, there is HER. I just wish he didn't get such an attractive woman to feed his ego and meet his (addictive) sexual needs. And I think she thinks that she "beat" me, or won the battle. It's these things that won't let me relax."

I totally can related. I hate that after I exposed him to her, she is now using it against me somehow by staying with him just to spite me and claim to be the Winner. I know she is not the winner, the only "Winner" ever is the N. Except he has no heart, so that is losing out on life. But I hate knowing that they are together. I wish he was alone and everyone hated him. That's what would happen if he let anyone get close enough to find out how he really is. He fears getting close. I'm sure this girl wants to get close to him but is having a hard time. After I exposed him, I feel like he's been on his best behavior, catering to what she wants and sucking up to her parents, brother, and friends. This girl's family is wealthy and he probably doesn't want to mess up what seems to be a surething. He is using her for security and she is using him as a illusory companion. It's so twisted. This girl was married before and after her divorce, was engaged to another man that she broke it off with. I mean could she be anymore of the perfect victim, vulnerable and lonely for the N to gobble up whole?? I HATE that I care. I just want them to break up.

I also hate that they know I put so much effort into breaking them up. It's really disheartening. I doubt I will ever see them around as we live in different cities but in the same state. The day I see him or her is the day I will pretend they don't even exist. I REALLY hope I have a hot man by my side at that point. I haven't even dated anyone since the N because I'm not ready to...

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The Other Woman - Now He's Happy - WITH HER!