by Ann Bradley
Sometimes your intuition is telling you something just isn't right but you aren't quite sure what it might be. Do you find yourself in a relationship that gives you some concern? Are you afraid this person has some "issues" that might cause a lot of trouble? Does your gut tell you something isn't right? Do some fact checking and answer these questions:
1. Does he rage and then apologize and promise it will never happen again? How many times do you need to see this before you recognize this as a tactic of an abuser? Once is enough. Two times is too much. Go.
2. Is he 'too good to be true'? Is he your soul mate? knight in shining armor? And you know this on the second or third date? Better step back and give this one some time. No one is perfect and often abusers are charming and manipulative.
3. Does he ask you for money? Does he never take you someplace nice for dinner? Being thrifty is fine, but being pathological about money is not. Watch out for clues such as a someone with a good job that never spends money. Narcissists do not have a normal relationship with money.
4. Does he spend money unwisely? The other pathology surrounding money is that of the show - off. The man with huge roll of bills who is always buying drinks for the bar, but doesn't know how to save for the house.
5. Is he insensitive to your needs, often making fun of you? Don't stay with someone who makes you feel bad!
6. Does he have a need to control situations? To control you? While this may feel comforting, it is infantalizing and you are a grown person now who needs to make her own decisions.
7. Does he have a good persona in front of others? Do they think he is "just great"? while you know better?
You have a right to be treated with respect. The narcissist is incapable of doing so. Narcissistic personality disorder is just that - a disorder of the personality. Women in these relationships find that over time things get worse, not better. Don't marry a narcissist. Don't think you can change him. You can't.
You can change yourself. More self confidence will lead to less neediness. It's better to be alone than with an abuser.
Charm is a facade, manipulation will wear you down, and one day you will find dreams have turned into a nightmare if you stay with a toxic guy.