Yikes, that's scary! This is a GREAT photo for anyone who had a hunky N...this is what I picture my ex to be inside, decayed, putrid, something if you actually saw you'd run from!

she will get discarded right? He won't want her as much if she is right there in his face every day?

Did you ever stop to consider we were discarded from day ONE? From their first hello it was predestined!!!! Cupcake there are only two books I use as the bible when I have doubts, WWLP and Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. He is the leading researcher when it comes to studying pathology, you need to get his book too it may help you further with the way they behave. I came across a paragraph in his book that gave me more clarity something to the effect: Beauty, ugly, horror, are all things that have no effect on them, they can not recognize human struggles, achievements, of any kind, they can fake them but have no idea what they are even faking.

You are doing so great, and I am proud of your NC but I still sense a state of naivity in your doubts and thoughts of your Narcissist. You are too worried about his interactions with his other GF or women for the WRONG REASONS you are questioning what he does as if he were a normal person. I struggle with the personal rejection he did to me, while I am not jealous of the OW what she has vs what I have it makes no difference because they could care less about virtue, attributes, qualities, who is prettier, who is funnier, smarter, it means NOTHING TO THEM, we ALL our great human beings they simply line up their objects and supplies and use and abuse all of them to suit their needs. If we are all used and abused then I ask myself does it really matter what the sick SOB uses us for? Bottom line they are unable to LOVE any of us, she will NEVER receive the love we so wanted from them either and to me thats all that matters in the end, he can live with her, marry her take her on vacations for all I care because I will be glad its not me with him wondering ok wonder if he wants to f--k her, or her, or where is he now, why is he so late, why hasnt he wanted to have sex with me for over a month, why cant he get it up, if I were with him I would feel I would have to be with him 24-7 because I knew he was a cheat, there would be no trust, I would be a mental mess if I lived with him so SHE CAN HAVE HIM and all the betrayal that comes with it.

Is that what we want Cupcake? To be with someone that could discard us at any given time, think about how sick that question is you asked: If/when she comes back to live with him she will get discarded right? What I am trying to convey is stop and think about how much deprogramming we still need to do, its not only the brainwashing but just simple right vs wrong we have to overcome, NOBODY that is mentally right simple discards humans like we are nothing but shit!!!!

Forget the looks, the charm, the hot passionate sex, back up Cupcake and focus on what we have seemed to forgotten; we need to remember what good virtues are in person and partner; loyalty, honesty, integrity, honor, fidelity. Cast aside the good looking, immoral, casanova, cheap pimp they were, the insidious humping as we just were used for them to masturbate a hard dick in the middle of the night and out the door they run back to clean sheets and a home cooked meal from their so called significant other. That is nothing more than a man who is a PIG, ya sure a good looking PIG but is that how shallow we are that we cant see beyond that?

It pisses me off that I became sooooo enamored with his good looks and cast everything else away and became this shallow person who lowered herself and my standards for a man that was nothing more than a good looking psychopath!!!! Put it on paper Cupcake, ok REALLY REALLY good looking, sexy, charming, wealthy, good screw, pleasant to the eyes, anything else? have I forgotten anything else he was, was he a good man, did he treat me as I deserve to be treated, did he appreciate all that I was and all that he had with me, did he make me feel whole, and good about myself, did he adore me as I want to be adored and admired, NO, HE JUST USED ABUSED AND F----d me and made me feel cheap WHY? Because he was nothing but a good looking Psychopath PIG thats why.

IT WAS NOTHING WE DID -- NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING and never forget that for one minute. I had another slap in the face a few days back I was thinking of something he once said to me, "why didnt you let that guy fuck you, you could have brought him home for us", "BROUGHT HIM HOME FOR US"? There is my truth, and its the same truth with his GF

I hope I helped deprogram you a little, and myself as well, come on girl you can get to the other side we both can, your beautiful and so am I always hold on to that

Very well put.

I was in my 40s - married over 20 years when exNH's being a Narc sifted in. I had never heard of Narcissism... I knew something was wrong just couldn't figure out WHAT. I figured out he was passive aggressive and that led to learning about Narcissism.

And then - after 45 years of being emotionally, psychologically and even physically tortured by my NMother for even existing - non-stop, relentless beating down of my self-esteem by her I read a piece on NMothers and wham!! It all made sense. For years I KNEW she was disordered. But not QUITE bipolar, borderline, schizoid or anything else.

And within weeks all the Narc friends and lovers and bosses I'd had - it all made sense.

While it is easy to put all bad behavior into a bucket called Narcissism, I see that every single one of these people followed a sick, self-serving pattern that is well-defined as Destructive Narcissism. A pattern I was literally raised to see as NORMAL and be blind to its harm.

No more.

My (intellectual Narc) exNH was perfectly fine the first 7 years of our marriage. Then suddenly, like overnight -
- he stopped initiating sex (I was still quite thin then, so it was NOT my weight)

- he stopped LIKING sex or being hugged, touched, kissed - he thought it was all WIERD. I got tired of the word WIERD!

- I couldn't do ANYTHING right. I was a bad cook, didn't do laundry right, didn't fold laundry right, didn't clean properly, couldn't make a bed or scrub a toilet right... etc etc.

- everything started to be my fault. EVERYTHING. The weather, his bad day a work, that his mother was a psychopath, that the sun came up .... EVERY BLESSED THING

- he became moody and sullen and thought I should find his constant BAD MOOD 'charming' - it was sickening

- when I became disabled he harassed and harangued me and tried to have me signed into a mental hospital.

- I was always highly intelligent but to this day he tries to talk to me like I am stupid

- he controlled every aspect of my life after a while, and I didn't even see it happening until it was too late. I was a slave and I was not allowed to be human, have an idiosycracy and was the dumping ground for every negative annoying thing that EVER happened to him.

- both he and my mother seemed perpetually enraged that I even existed and took up space on the planet. It was like they want me to implode from all the pressure the put on me 365/24/7

the list goes on & on & on. I was MISERABLE. I was SUICIDAL. I think I really did LOOSE MY MIND for a while there. I know my therapist thought I had a nervous breakdown just after the Psycho-Boy incident from he & exNH.

it was slow, insidious and covert... I questioned my sanity and my reason for existing. I have heard of numerous women married to Narcs who committed suicide, believing that was the only way out.

Perhaps someone who was married to a sexual Narc will have more to say...

Send her a sympathy card - you dodged a fatal bullet. Stop thinking she has it better. You have it better. Believe me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

something you might want to think about and consider, as I look back the last two times I was with mine, now mind you this is not after seeing him for months, he couldnt get it up, oh the first half hour was exciting but that was it, he said he was tired, had to rest in order the get it up again, one time he had to stick a xxx movie in to see if that would help

you stated he would leave for a few weeks at a time, trust me Cupcake there is a reason for that, you got old, you were old stuff.

So I sit and wonder in the past gee wonder if he and his GF have good sex all the time? HA HA HA what do you think? NO WAY, NO HOW, mine was sexually preverse needed dirty, nasty, talk to get him going, When I got some of my self esteem back down the road I realized something is VERY VERY VERY wrong with a man who has a beautiful woman with him and twice no matter what I did to stimulate him, ZILCH, NOTHING

I realize as men age alot of them need Viagra to help them sustain but here was a man who had not seen me in months and after 30 minutes he was done. From what you say yours sounded like a highly sexual Narc, probably a bit younger than mine but always keep that in the back of your mind when wondering what your life would have been like being his live in GF

you would NOT have gotten the best part of him, NOT SEXUALLY, or in any other way, you would have gotten his moods when he felt pinned down and needed other p---y, you would have gotten excuses, withdraw, he would not have been attentive to any of your needs emotionally thats for sure, your sex would have been constantly put on hold, you would have seen a side of him that was not so charming and nice as all the other GF's and wives have seen

ALL OF THEM, EVERY SINGLE ONE testify to how they changed years down the line, I even saw a side of him when all that charm went away, I was scolded, constantly told what to do, in just the short time I spent with him.

Here is a really funny story, mine has three Golden retrievers, his hunting dogs, trained so well if he even looked at them they stand at attention, one time I was in his garage as he was feeding them, he took them out to potty and meanwhile I am still standing there by his truck, and he says, stay there, stay. I thought he was talking to me and he was talking to his dogs, ha ha its not really funny, I stood there not moving thinking OK OK I'll stay here, I wont move an inch, good grief I thought. I mean he would tell me when to take my shoes off, when to leave them by the door, where to put my purse, it was UNREAL, and that was just a small example of how HE WAS THE DICTATOR

in the little bit of time we were together, now imagine who is GOD when you live with them. Mine operated like a machine, everything in its place, his home looked like a show case, like nobody even lived in it it was sooo perfect, when he would get ready for work he would strap on his 30 pound belt with his guns, and all his police equipment to it, his routine was so exact, he was like a non feeling robot machine, who by the way DONT CARE ABOUT PEOPLES HEARTS CUPCAKE.

Caring about other peoples hearts don;t even enter their minds, they just go through the fake emotions to make them believe they do, they just put baby and sweetie and honey at the end of their sentences to make you feel loved.

I've started working with my attorney a year ago. We are nearing the end of the divorce process. Meanwhile I let him think that I am stupid and continue to document and photograph everything. I don't engage him in any sort of discussion. I have learned that you can't reason with someone who is irrational. My standard reply to everything he says is "have your attorney talk to mine".

Yes, I too get regular threats to cut off the A/C, electricity, etc. He has already cut off the phone, cable and internet. He refuses to follow the court order to contribute to groceries, clothing for the kids, medicine, etc. He threatened to report my car stolen when I wouldn't tell him what shop it was in for a brake job. I just told him that I would be happy to talk to the police when they got here. It's all about control with him and I refuse to give over to him. He calls the look I get during these encounters as "that face". I put on "that face" every chance I get!

OH BUT WE ARE VERY REAL AND EVERYTHING THEY WISH THEY COULD BE

Oh how I agree with you on this one.

When I first met the Ex N he could not do enough for me - gifts and taking me places etc.
I'd already had previous experience with an N so should have seen it coming, but this one was so different and it was okay for about six months. As it was a long distance relationship, he was able to keep up the false front, but the first time he was quick to anger with me and then expected me to carry on as if nothing had been said, I realise I should have bailed our then, but we often second guess don't we?.

This afternoon (over 2 months out) I was crying while driving, because I had exactly the same feeling wash over me as you did - He hates me and I have done nothing wrong. In fact, he has less feelings for me that someone who never liked me in the first place, if that makes sense.

Not only does he dislike me (because he told me so) I also feel that it was more devastating than not wanting to be with me.

You are certainly not alone in this one - but accept it goes with the disorder. Hugs
Rosy P