do they ever regret ditching you?

do they ever regret ditching you?
1

Originally posted by: Guest on Sept 25, 2007, 1:08pm

I'm really struggling with the pain of the suspected N disapearing from my life. Do you think they ever regret leaving? Or are they not capable of missing you? Any insight would help...

Calalily's picture

Shock and Awe-some

Thanks for the comment. I will look for the videos you have mentioned. I just have to wonder though, WHY if you are a woman giving them ALL of what they need and they are keeping you around for this reason would they get rid of you. ONLY if you begin to see through them and call them down on it?? Do you think they could get just plain bored of this woman even though she is "doing" everything right in his book (well, closer than any of his other women have come)? I realize that most likely at some point in his and ow's relationship that he will "need" more and will possibly even cheat physically if they have altercations and he is feeling entitled to feeling "good" and some one is there willing to to that for him, but why give up the ow if she is as close to perfect (in his head) that he is going to get???

shock and awe.some's picture

Because

Perfection to them is relative to their ever changing views of themselves, their needs at the moment. Possibly even cheat? Definitely will cheat. they have no insight into their souls. They change like the wind and grab onto whatever satisfies or appeals at the moment. How sad for them to live a life being tossed around with no foundation.

they have built their house on sand & fog

Calalily's picture

Yes. Sad way to live

Even though they have no idea that their lifestyles and views are sad though. They just think they have it all figured out. Its the rest of us that are ignorant!
I will say this for my exN he CAN stay with his significant other for many years at a time. So thinking this ow will keep her perfection status for a long time. Plus she is just getting her divorce settlement soon so he'll have to stick around for that and then some. I just have to move forward somehow without thinking of them so much. Ow is here to stay. At least for long time!!

ruby01's picture

No

No.

Calalily's picture

Question to LISA

You mentioned and I totally agree with this, that they crave variety and thus eventually become just plain bored with the new supply. Can't stay new forever. My question is... What IF this supply is wonderful, does this mean they will hang on longer and probably just cheat behind her back, but "need" to keep her or do you think that it is inevitable that they "have" to change supply sources totally within a few years time and if so, what do you see as being a ballpark guess on how long they stay with the new source? I know I'm reaching but wonder if you have comment on this. Thank you.

invisible's picture

Calalilly

I think I understand how your feeling. I knew my ex was a narc and he sucked me back in (I am a young widow and basically just wanting my husband back, which obviously isn't happening and this piece of shit could never fill his shoes) but I did accept him back out of loneliness (I have no family and lost my friends when I was my husbands caregiver) however I sat back and watched him burn a bridge with his OW and now have found out he's found new supply, all the while lying to me and trying to keep me around. This time he just smashed my heart (don't let this happen to you) and it's my own fault. I knew what was going on, thought I had my guard up (wrong) so my answer to your question is they will stay with OW until they either bleed her dry or she has enough and will keep you hanging (and they are good-don't think for one moment they don't know what button to press) until you can't take them torturing you and you cut it off, which IS easier said then done but in the end there is no choice, they never stop hurting you and you will never get back the hapiness (illusion) of what you once had.

Calalily's picture

Invisible

Your story is very sad. Sorry for the loss of your husband and good man. As far as the narc still torturing me, he does, but not by anything he does to me now. He leaves me completely alone now. No trying to throw hooks anymore and he seems really happy with the ow. I just picked up my daughter and she said that they went fishing, went to the circus and saw her grandmother and etc... sounds like a big happy family to me. One I'm not a part of anymore because he simply decided one day I was out and ow was "in". I read and read and listen to everyone's advice on a narc doesn't change and even you say he will suck this woman dry or she will get tired. This woman stayed married for 20 years to a man she didn't even love so I can only imagine she will hang on tooth and nail with my exn. He is younger and much more handsome than her husband. Well built and still seems to be respectful and charming to her. She has money and therefore, she has status. Status that he wants and I'm sure won't want to lose. So I'm not seeing her bled dry or getting tired of him becuase this time I honestly think things will be different for her. It is the ideal situation and she is the ideal doormat giving easy going laid back non-demanding woman he has been searching for. Plus she is attractive with nice figure as well. Sounds like if it does end, then it sure will take a very, very long time and It is way past time for me to figure out I HAVE to somehow move on and stop thinking about them and how happy they may or not be. As for they never stop hurting you, I agree even when they are nowhere in your life they still are "there" and hurting you. That hurt may never leave me.

invisible's picture

Thanks Calallily

Thank you for your kind words but a few things to keep in mind- nobody knows what happens behind closed doors, my narc was very hot and is now losing his looks, this OW that stayed married to her husband that she didn't love may have been for the money and status that she how has and may not put up with his crap (my narcs last ow had it and he had lied to me and said he was living with his "buddy" and we ended up fooling around in my car in HER driveway-and I have to look @ that fu**ing scar it left on my knee everytime I shave me legs) sooner or later, she will not be enough, they are never satisfied with what they have, he will screw around on her guarenteed.

Calalily's picture

scars

Oh invisible. Thank you so much. It is true. No one but them really know how it really is behind the closed doors. I'm sure it isn't hot sex every night like I imagine. It has been a little over a year, surely he has to show his ass sometimes that is just who he is. Plus he likes her status but certainly she can't have more than him right?? So he will at some point have to bring her down a few pegs and get that control and upper hand. It could be already starting. I like that you at least give out a guarantee that he will at the very least if not dump her he will cheat on her too!! She is an experienced cheater as well and she will see the signs if he does for sure. Trust would have to be an issue with them.

Sorry about the scar on the knee, but nothing compared to the scars they leave in our hearts though. I am forever scarred.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck to you in your healing also.

shock and awe.some's picture

Calilly

Watch some of Sam Vaknins videos that address 1st and 2nd narc supply. They need to be taken care of...poor lil trolls. So they may keep a unit around to get some needs met, but they ALWAYS troll & find new supply to keep getting their huge egos filled. Unfortunatley we are all on the same cruise ship. You could have been anyone as long as you gave them what they craved at the moment. So sorry.

Costa's picture

Primary Secondary

Some Vaknin in text here on that subject.

http://tinyurl.com/7yfkk8q

Calalily's picture

Thanks Costa

I've actually read this and have watched his video on narcissistic supply sources. I find it amazing that the spouse or significant other is considered according to him a secondary source. My narc seems to be just acting so needy with this ow. I don't know if it is because she has money and big house that he sees her having so much status that this is all he sees and doesn't want to lose his new found status that he now feels he has through her. I'm sure there are other things such as her muscular body and attractive looks and fact that she does anything and everything it appears in the world he asks of her. My daughter came home tonight saying that they went to the circus and fishing and visting with her grandmother and it sounded like a nice family time. I admit, very jealous. I just can't nor could I offer him status like that or the undemanding devotion she is providing. It seems like he wants her more just because she doesn't ask anything more of him like I did. He always said I may find that I could get what I wanted not by asking for it or demanding it. Apparently this is how it is going with her. Obsessed or not with ow, I'm seeing that she IS getting the best of him. Granted it has only been a little over a year in, but so far, SHE is doing it like none other before her has. I'm getting to the point where I don't even "want" him anymore, but can't let go of fact that he IS being something different with her and it all hinges on what you sent me, she is the most perfect supply and he has found his easy relationship he has always wanted.

Used's picture

calilily

LISA?......
If you would read 1-3 4-6 the steps and anything else available you wouldnt have to keep asking the same question but in diffrent ways all the time...
everything you want to know is here....
But I see from your questions that its not enough...
HE USED YOU!!!!, He dropped you for ow, and still continued to have sex with you.....you realy must try to move on even if it is a tiny bit at a time........
I am sorry but this is the way it is...

Calalily's picture

Used

Well, for certain I have learned "something" by reading up on all material available. A sure sign of someone who is healed or the past is waning away is the blatant annoyance with others who are stuck in complaint/victim mode. Another clue to this is that possibly you feel nothing else is to be learned by asking, yes, I may beat the proverbial dead horse by my questions running into one, but it is HOW I feel and WHERE I am stuck big time. So if being in therapy still leaves me with questions and still feeling like I need to hear what I need to hear, and if I need to apologize here to the very persons who are supposed to "show" compassion and less judgment, then my new question is what forum or "where" do I go then? I honestly need to know? I'm running out of options and moving on is not a luxury I've been afforded as of yet, I'm trying and beating into the ground may be what saves me.

Goldie's picture

Join our Support Group

That would be a GREAT start for you. YOU are NOT going to leave that group with "unanswered questions."

We KNOW exactly what we are doing and talking about, there is NO confusion there.

We would LOVE to have you.

God bless,
Goldie

Calalily's picture

Goldie/Support Group

It certainly could not hurt and having questions answered does sound wonderful. If my heart could be eased it would mean literally a new chance at life at "living".
I checked into it before and I'm thinking it was not that expensive but summer has been slow in the pocketbook so I will re-evaluate some things and budget around and I will do just this. I know a group just started, so I will read on the site to find information as to the next one and will plan to attend!!!!

spinning's picture

Calla, Used's response wasn't

a personal attack. She suggests that you try to begin to understand the TRUTH and move on, even just one tiny bit. No one is criticizing or asking for apologies. You are being given honest feedback. That's all.

Perhaps you need to re-frame your question to this: Why do I think knowing if/when he will dump OW will help me move forward? Why do I think knowing if/when he'll dump OW will make it any better what he did TO ME?

Your question regarding the timeline of new supply is impossible to answer. Let's say someone could look into a crystal ball and say "yes, in six months he will dump new supply." How do you think that will help YOU or change things for YOU?

You say that you need to "hear what you need to hear" but that is not going to happen. What we say here is whatever is happening with him and new supply is IRRELEVANT to your healing, to your life NOW, to your feeling better and if you think that somehow it is then you are spending precious energy in a way that will NEVER help you create these things.

There is lots of information here on how to deal with obsessing about OW, how they treat OW, why we're all OW, etc. etc. The bottom line is the more time you spend obsessing/dwelling/pondering his relationship with OW the less time you are spending figuring out why you THINK KNOWING THIS will somehow help you and why you think you NEED this in your life? What is your payoff here? These are the types of questions you'd be better off dwelling on.

I think you know this, dear Cala, but you are choosing to stay stuck (you admit that above). It truly is a choice. It is your choice one minute at a time. Why you think repeating this loop over and over and over again will somehow "save you" is truly the question. I mean no offense, Used didn't either. We are offering our honest experiences here. Dwelling on this question will not push you forward on the path. It keeps you stuck in the disordered world, period.

Love,
(not) spinning. BECAUSE I CHOOSE NOT TO EVER AGAIN

Calalily's picture

spinning

I appreciate your comments. I do. Have spoken with Used privately and understand that too. I am a mess and I am seeing that I am just NOT moving on for whatever reason I have chosen (and not because I WANT to) I am stuck!!!! Right smack in the middle of my entire universe being about WHEN or IF my exnh will dump OW. I wish I didn't have to say this, but it is fact for now. Why I "think" it will help if he and OW split, I don't "think" just for validation it wasn't all me, I get that already, so I don't have that answer, I am still searching myself as to why I keep dwelling on them and her and NOT myself and my wonderful little girl. I left her at daycare today with her at the glass door as I drove away with a sad face on and waving because I won't have her for the next two days and she will be gone again for the weekend. I have 50/50 custody and I HATE IT and I HATE that I have been forced to give up ONE NIGHT with my daughter because of his need for OW and his need to just be rid of me because I wasn't "playing" along well enough. I know LIFE isn't fair, but this is probably what brought on more of my stupid insecure OW questions again today. My life has been ripped apart and so has my daughter's and he and ow parade around "with" my daughter as if all is just GRAND! It isn't all grand and they AREN'T grand people. I know it happens everyday, but by God they will never own up or even feel least bit guilty for hurting a child. My ex says it is better for her, and the ow has hurt her own children so can't expect her to care about mine except when impressing my exn with being a great GF and showing how much she adores our daughter. Maybe I need to rage more, I haven't so far but I'm starting too. Why is OW so damn important, or should I say the demise of her???? I know it was ultimately my exnh who made the promises to me, not her, and I do NOW hold him responsible as well where before I couldn't. I couldn't accept that it was just over and he had moved on and found a new and improved replacement. Brainwashing!! Only explanation I can give for my persistance with this subject. He did a fantastic job of it. He is the master of deception because I believed he was "in" this for life as he always said to me. I feel so stupid for being here asking the same things believe me I do. I don't want to be here, I want to be smiling with my daughter and over it, but I just can't break out. Sooooooo if reading and reading will help this I will continue. Something has to stick. I have to at some point not hurt so much or care so much that she has him and I don't. Why would I want someone capable of hurting me so badly anyway. I don't have the answers for this either. I just know I want to STOP obsessing over ow and whether or not they will last. No one has a crystal ball and I know this. Whether they end in 5 years or never I HAVE to find my way out of this.
I will not give up and I will try to limit my questions to same thing.

spinning's picture

Cala, great and honest

response and inner reflection. You do have the strength and you do "know" what is going on with your situation and it truly does SUCK big time what happened. Please give yourself credit for knowing all of this!

You must not take it on that you are somehow to blame, not good enough, etc. etc. It is not personal with them, it is all about their immediate gratification. She is not better than you, etc., she's just new supply.

And yes, I am sure you are triggered by the daughter's visit to him and OW. That is very insightful on your part as well.

Cala, please consider joining Goldie's support group or schedule a one-on-one with her. She has helped many, many members jump start their forward progress and get unstuck. It could be a gift you give to yourself and you are worth it.

I am so grateful that you are determined to get past this and to NOT GIVE UP on all of it. Click on Goldie's blog for one-on-one info and look on the 1-3 forum for info about the support group that just started. You are worth it.

Love,
(not) spinning

Calalily's picture

Spinning

I will do that. Thank you.

Deidre99's picture

Right now, and during the

Right now, and during the relationship...you sought your self worth through this man's eyes.

Once you stop seeking THAT, and realize that what he thinks of you....who he's sleeping with...who he's talking to about you...means nothing, you will no longer stay stuck.

You know what he is. I noticed you have been here 30 weeks, as a member. I am positive you realize you were with a person with NPD.

That's not why you're stuck. You're stuck because you still seek something from him. You still want him to fill a void, that he (nor any man) can fill.

You must discover within yourself, why you seek that. You must discover self love, and work to foster more positive ways of seeking validation. We all, as humans, want affirmation. If our kids do well in school, they get A's. It's not a bad thing, to want validation. But, when we seek our self worth, through other people, that is how we end up here. If this man breaks up with OW...will this somehow validate you? No, it won't. He still used you. You just might feel a little 'better' knowing, it wasn't personal.

Trust me, it's not personal with him. He uses everyone. He is using the OW.

But, that's not the issue, truly. The issue is your need to be validated by HIM.

When you work hard to see that for what it is, and strive to get to the heart of why that is...you will no longer be stuck.

Educating ourselves on the disorder is key to understanding that we were involved with someone who could never reciprocate respect or true love. But, so often, we do understand that, and still want more and more answers. THOSE answers lie within us, not the narcs. Those answers have to be answered by you, through NC and your own personal journey. No one here can tell you why you are still obsessing over the OW. But, I will tell you that has nothing to do with him, at this point.

Shine the light on yourself, and not the narc and the OW, and you will turn the corner. ((hugs))

abandonedandhurt's picture

you helped me too

thank you Deidre even though you were not directing this to me it helped me. I too 5 mos after the D&D am stuck with obsessing over, not OW, but him. Always going between hurt, disbelief and anger at him. Same questions, why did he proclaim his eternal love and do so much for me if he didn't truly love me? I didn't have an N who used me for money or anything else (or so I though until I realize I was used as supply so I struggle with cognitive dissonance. I know I have to face it is not about him anymore, that I am not a victim anymore because he isn't doing anything to me now. He is long gone. I need to try to focus instead on WHY I still think about him everyday. WHY when I accomplish something I wish he could know it and be proud of me. This is inside of me and I need to get to the root of it, because the fact is he doesn't give a rats ass about me and hasn't since he found new supply. My heart goes out to that gal who is stuck because it is the common beginning place. She can't make sense of it anymore than I can because they are so good at blaming us, and getting us to believe we lost something great because we were not good enough girlfriend's or wives. They leave us to feel OW is lucky because we made too many mistakes.

wsh's picture

Deidre99, may I paraphrase

what you've said & stitch it on a pillow????

"NEVER seek your own self worth through anyone else's eyes".

You always have such wonderful help & ideas to share! & I believe that THIS insight is the #1 (at the very least, in the top 3!) growth lesson that every single one of us who is trying to "survive a narcissist" HAS TO LEARN!

Bless you.

Calalily's picture

D99

I have been member for 30 weeks but honestly have not been active or posted anything until very recently. I have just become motivated to move on. I have accepted. Just stuck on the OW thing and yes, agree it is about needing to be validated by "him" and this will NEVER come. Even if I could be and do ALL of the things he said he wanted of me perfectly even if he was around me now enough to SEE that , it probably STILL would not be good enough for HIM. I have sought this man's attention, love, respect and acceptance for years now and even though sometimes his "words" were there and even his presence, I did not feel it from him. He said it was not his duty to build my self-esteem. True, but not a husband's job to do things to tear an already damaged one down and NOW that I know about NPD (a little late) I know why he did that to me. Therapy showed me and yes poor mother gets picked on again, but true. I struggled in childhood for same acceptance and love from my mother that I NEVER got and in fact she told me a few weeks ago that NO man could live with me and my insecure jealousy but knows that my exn was cruel and devil like!!! Gee, mom, thanks for that support. So I "get" where some of this comes from. Staying stuck on OW may just be jealousy and rejection. I'm not sure there. I just know I resent her being in my home on my old furniture in my old kitchen cooking and cleaning the home that I took pride in AND sleeping in my bed "literally" that I left behind. I think they changed the mattress. You get it. I feel like if there was ANY way I could get OVER this OW obsession I would be FREE. I live for this day. I have started exercising again and I'm thinking this will help with the self-worth thing and maybe I "can" focus more on myself and less on them. I have very little contact now even though we have a child so maybe it will start to get easier now. I appreciate the post and the ((hugs)), need them.

Costa's picture

focus

I thought this was a great post, about abstracting those reoccurring same thoughts. Give them names, then decide whether to engage or to put them to one side for now.

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/07/09/npd-abuse-and-nlp-deprogramming

Good luck Calalily.

Calalily's picture

Focus HARDER!!

THANKS Costa. Yes, I need to focus much harder on this obsession that has taken my life away. I don't want to give them "everything" else I have left so I go back to work. I'll give this a shot. As for praying, I do a lot of that.

Deidre99's picture

I see...yea, the childhood

I see...yea, the childhood hurts from your mom, are probably at the heart of all this. He represents all that you wish for...validation from your mom. I have been through this too with men, romantically...seeking what I missed as a kid. It's that wound that is the hardest to heal, not so much the ending of a relationship with a narc.

You were married to him, and to feel 'replacedd' is a horrible feeling, I'm sure. But, that is how people with NPD operate, they literally treat people as disposable and interchangeable. Whether that takes 10 years, or 3 months...they replace without a thought.

There are not enough hoops for you to have jumped through to change what happened. And believe me.

If she has your old house, bedroom, and kitchen...she also inherited all those 'hoops' too. lol She's jumping through them, so he keeps her around.

Just like you. Perhaps, a few nuances here and there. But, if he is truly a narc then nothing here has changed...just the woman in the 'role.'

As time goes on, you will gradually let go. But, I do understand your pain.

Calalily's picture

D99

Helps greatly to hear you say you "get" it. I know all of you here do. You touched on her in my old house and you see how much that bothers me. she has a big new beautiful home her soon to be ex-husband bought and paid for her to buy his way out from her staking claim to their marital home together. So she has run of mine and her own. I guess I see it as she has it ALL. My husband (ex now) my daughter's attention and affection, my home, and even damn it, my dog I had to leave behind due to fact I live in condo with NO pets allowed. I guess she appears as the winner here. Many will say, she won't stay on top, and this as you well know is what I wish for. Vengefulness is not serving me well though and I do have to find a way to just let go. If she isn't getting some of what I got (in the bad way) I would imagine that her life with him whether she doesn't live full time with him or not won't be perfect. Even with all of the pain clouding me, I still can see through it enough to know that it just can't be "wonderful" all of the time and possibly, just possibly he will one day not see her as better supply but in the very same dull light he eventually saw me in. For now though, she is the greatest, the most easy going and best communicator he has ever met. She "gets" him. So, If this is real and it continues, then I better learn to get over it, because it will last.
I see I have NO choice really. I DO see this.

Deidre99's picture

If she 'gets' him...lol God

If she 'gets' him...lol God help her.

Water seeks its own level sometimes. Enough said. ;)

Stay strong.

indenial's picture

i agree

They only miss us as supply and they don't miss us as ordinary humans would but remember they have huge fragile egos and surely at least we must, even if only temporarily, dent their huge egos. We've been good consistent supply for however long and we've constantly helped keep that ego afloat by falling for their bullshit and returning time and time again. So when the time comes as with many of us it has, when we finally go nc whether they do the dumping or we do and they then make a hoover attempt which we reject then they must feel a blow to their ego and some disbelief that we dare reject them. I know my exn holds a grudge and struggles to let go and is so easily slighted by someone not paying him the respect he thinks he deserves, so whatever even if he's quickly replaced me with new or in his case ithink old supply, he will be seething and reeling and feeling less than special. He had me in his web for so long I don't think he quite expected that I'd just walk away wthout a trace of emotion. Like he meant nothing to me. That's why he's tried to wound me back but even that I've ignored. When I think of it in those terms it gives me a little satisfaction. I've caused him so many injuries throughout this relationship with my rebelious nature and fuck you attitude. Its driven him in sane and that was before I even knew what he was ! I didn't do it intentionally I just wasn't prepared to compromise my life. He did eventually wear down that spirit in me but in the end I did get it back a bit and that's how I walked away with dignity. Its not fully back yet and I've become not as fiesty as I was but that's because I just got tired and bored of it in the end. I do think he created an element of narcissism in me in order for me to survive. It will leave me agin though as soon as I feel safe and completly free of him

Deidre99's picture

indenial, your story as

indenial, your story as well...so triumphant! i feel so uplifted today, reading everyone's positive stories of growth, and restoration.

with NC and hard work...we can live better lives. ((hugs))

Daisyd's picture

Missing

yeah in the end when I laughed everytime he asked if I missed him, I think he got the hint that I was on to him.

When you come to grips with who they are they really are comically pathetic.

Redhead1's picture

I was good supply(yuk). He

I was good supply(yuk). He stayed with me for 20 years, cheating behind my back but never finding better supply (yuk again!) I have never really talked about my final D&D here, but the story goes. He come to me and told me he was going to move out and support me and the kids. He was going to go to therapy and try to be a better man. I told him I couldnt afford the house by myself (meaning I was moving out) he thought I meant I wanted him to stay. He ask me if we could both stay there, split the bills and date other people. At that moment I knew he wasnt moving out to get therapy and make himself a better man. On the days leading up to my move out, he chased me around talking about how he wouldnt date no one that would come between him and me/kids. Told me a story about a guy we knew who left his wife for younger woman (his OW was younger). Wanted us to stay good friends (now I know I was gonna be a backup). He sneared as he saw me in agony (which I WILL NEVER forget). Wasn't but about a week after I moved out and the OW surfaced at our home. He had sent my son off with a friend, but my son and friend poppped back in and caught him. Plus, phone records can really tell a story. Needless to say OW didnt leave her man. Then I became a classy lady, one of a kind and everything he ever wanted. Nevermind, the whole time OW was trying to make her decision between her man and my man, I was trashed to anyone who would listen. I have remained the saint since she made her decision to stay with her man. lol He tries to hoover, but my children and his sister stop him in his tracks. It's ok now tho. If he were to directly hoover, I'd give him a narc injury he would never recover from. There is nothing he could say to me to affect me. He no longer has any power over me (lots of hard work on me) I know who he is and I accept it. Yes, they do regret losing good supply until they find someone as good as you to replace you. The exnarc will have a hard time finding someone like me. I was young and got knocked up by him (lame excuse I know). He is not nearly as attractive now that he is single. lol Plus, his immature ways scream. I was just trauma bonded to this asshole. Thanks for letting me tell this. That is my story and I am a survivor!!! If you were good supply(meaning let him have his way) you will be missed. Am I proud I was good supply for 20 years, no way. I would have much rather been a bitch that butted heads with him and he hated now.

Deidre99's picture

i'm blown away by your

i'm blown away by your strength, class and grace, in dealing with what you went through. awesome, simply awesome!

darling.girl's picture

The don't miss us. They miss supply.

Given quickly how my narc went from being sure wanted to marry me to cutting off almost all contact. No! They don't miss us. If they miss anything, it's the supply. He had to have someone lined up already when he ditched me, because it happened literally all of a sudden.

abandonedandhurt's picture

someone lined up

that's exactly how it happened to me too. He wanted to marry me, said " I will work my ass off for you and love you more than anyone ever could for the rest of my life if you marry me" And so we got engaged.And literally 10 mos later in one day it was over! No discussion, no compromise, no talking it out, no working on problems. I was blindsided. He was done and he had one lined up, he had been cheating on me with her for a few months before he left me for her.

Calalily's picture

abandoned

Yes. It hurts deeply and for a very long time when they just discard you for someone new. I was tossed out after 6 years of marriage like trash for literally new supply which was literally new trash. A woman who was married for 20 years but apparently decided to cheat on her husband repeatedly and then with my husband the narc. She met one she couldn't leave. My now exnh made sure this woman left her husband of 20 years and with that she took her rich husband for 1/2 of his assets a new big home in rich neighborhood she is used to living in along with big fat alimony check for the rest of her life so she can live in the "lifestyle" she is accustomed to living without having to work or even stay faithful to her husband and just dump him for someone new. So this is what I was replaced with. I guess from what I understand and it is probably the same for all men with NPD they are always searching for the bigger better deal and even if they are married, no matter, no contract they can't void if they choose to. They can justify anything if they want out. they make it ALL your fault and you actually (some of us) are so messed up that we believe it was all of our fault and if we could have been more like the woman they left us for we would still be with them graced with the crumbs they threw us. I as all of you know here on the forum am totally obsessed with my exn and his relationship with the ow. It kills me everyday to think that they are so happy after hurting so many people. I want to not care. This is my goal and if what I read and here from all of these smart ladies here that have been there and back already, they tell me that the ow is "just" simply the next victim. They are no better. She too may be blindsided one day just like you and I were just as soon as someone comes along that looks more promising than she does. If it happened to us, why not. It "could" happen to the next one. Sorry for your situation. I know it hurts like hell to just be dumped like you never meant a thing. Replaced in a day.

agnesmurphy17's picture

Money

Well, there you have it. You were dumped because he met a woman with money. ANd he's with her because she has money. It's not real. And your time with him was not real. These men just waste a woman's time on false sentiment so as to "extract." He extracted from you & he extracts from her. It can be different with each woman. (I have met two other who were involved with my N.) But in every case there is an extraction of some sort occurring. You can mistake this for "love" since they say they love you. But the love game is the price they have to pay to extract that which they want. He doen't want anything from you any more. Don't waste any more time pining for him. He doen't even think about you. You no longer exist for him. For Ns all people are grey shadows. A person emerges from the shadows into living color for the N because he sees that that person has something useful to him. Yes, once you were in living color for him, but now you have receded back into the shadows.

Calalily's picture

Money

Am17. Point taken. I have known now for a few
Months ( 6 or 7 when we stopped having sex that he was completely DONE with me). That's why the obsession began with ow. I actually believed he might not see her as better after time and pull me back into color again. I have read conflicting statements on the subject I'd what a narc may do if his new supply doesn't pan out the great way he thought she would. Some articles say that they always come back to old sources for a pick me up even years later if you seem willing. Do you agree?? I don't see my exN as the go backward type though so I'm probably safe from "myself" there.
Thanks for your input. It all helps!

uk lady's picture

All I know is that ...

After the many D&Ds I experienced down the years, I now realise that he always had someone in the wings ready and waiting to take his mind off whatever. They were always being cultivated long before whatever occurred.

This time round I D&D him because I was more aware but it is still not easy to come to terms with being with someone who lied, cheated and tried to pull the wool over my eyes for their own benefit.

BUT knowing what I know now will make me stronger to resist whatever he has planned for the future.

Stay strong and just keep hold of the fact that we are worth better than they showed us.

Dee x

gettinbetter's picture

They miss certain supply

They miss certain supply sources I think. They can be fond of people just like anyone else. They like some peoples supply better than others. So my answer would be yes and no. Some they do and some they dont. If they miss your supply its not a good thing. It means that you have very very weak boundaries if any.

Daisyd's picture

gettinbetter

that is a great answer honey. They are 'fond' of some supply more than others. But always remember 'fond' in an ego stroking way that benefits them.

gettinbetter's picture

Yes. I know he was "fond" of

Yes. I know he was "fond" of me. Not only did I make him look good but I constantly fed his ego. While he loved the fact that I got lots of attention from other guys, he also hated it at the same time. It gave him a huge amount of anxiety. One of the first things he said to me after 15 years NC. "You always had tons of guys on your heels and I just couldnt compete" I worshipped him.

ewa's picture

I think the worst we can do

I think the worst we can do is to think about them and care what they think. If he will disappear from your life this is the best what can happen to you.
There is a great life after we forget them, trust me. I never thought i could care less whether he will contact me or not. Once you will get strong you it wont be important and even if he tries you will ignore him.

I know is hard to stop analyzing it, but at least try is for your own good :) Is better to start working on yourself and prepare yourself so you are ready and strong enough in case he attempted the contact.

Kiwi2005's picture

They NEVER regret ditching you...

My understanding is and after all my researching, reading, and educating myself is that... NO they NEVER regret ditching you.

We, you and I, must realize that these people LACK EMPATHY. Therefore they do not have the ability to cmprehend things in life that we do. They devalue and discard us without ever looking back at it twice. Just because they come back later down the road doesn't mean they regret or miss... they simply just ran out of supply and came back because we used to give it.

They don't miss anything. I like to call them robots... they don't know why they do or say certain things (i miss you, i love you, i want you) it's something they saw or heard on TV and simply repeat it... but they don't FULLY understand what those things mean.

Good luck!

Used's picture

I HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH

I HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH THIS...AFTER 20MNTHS NC [I DUMPED HIM] HE HAS STILL NOT GIVEN UP TRYING TO GET ME BACK...WHATEVER REASON HE WANTS ME BACK FOR..I BOUGHT A GOOD FRIENDSHIP TO THE PLATE...THAT IS STILL REGRET...HE IS NOT SHORT OF SUPPLY...AND STILL HE WONT GIVE UP..SO THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN CONFUSING FOR ME...I ONCE SAID TO HIM IN THE BEGINING...AFTER HE HAD OFFENDED ME...YOU WILL REGRET THAT AND HE SAID YES BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I WILL REGRET IT IN 5YEARS TIME...I SAID WHATS 5 YEARS GOT TO DO WITH IT....IT LASTED 4MORE AND I DUMPED HIM FOR GOOD.

FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

IMHO

In my humble opinion, on top of the other reasons stated, I think the N may feel a pull to get a partner back (who dumped them) so THEY can do the dumping. They may not even realize this consciously. They might even think they really want you back (the universal "you", not "you" personally) because they were not through with you and can't have you. Once they have you then it's a matter of time before it all starts again....

Amiee's picture

I TOTALLY AGREE

When a N is dumped you hurt his ego. It hurts everyone's ego when they get dumped but I think it hurts a N the most because you have hit his fear, his insecurity, and "how dare you!" They just want you back so they can inflict the pain and have the upper hand. It is just a game.

badjer's picture

This is EXACTLY what my

This is EXACTLY what my mother said about my ex. He couldn't believe or bear the fact that I went NC for 5 months and the agony of being rejected meant that he mistook his desire for his own closure for love. We met up (after his little welding attempts to get my attention again) where he was saying "we were 90% amazing" and "it was my silent torment" "I missed you so much…" blah blah blah. I was wary and didn't go gushing and rushing back in and - guess what? - by Date 2 the whole tenor had changed and it was all negative. 10 days later, he ended it by VM. My mother is convinced he planned it all along just so he could right the balance for HIM and do the final dumping.

As she put it, "you were worth it.". Great. Worth being sucked back in just so he could fuck me over.

It still stings and makes me mad because I still feel trashed and used and abused but I know I am happier out of it than in it, so the rage I feel is just hurt that he devalued me so much and played me so well. They have inordinate patience when it comes to revenge….

I don't think he loved me. maybe he did. But I don't think they KNOW how to love. They know how to control and subjugate to bend people to their will, but that is not love. and when they can't do that any more……off they go.

It is twisted.

Lisa87's picture

Badjer

Each time you go back it is quicker and worse, I mistook it that he missed me, god, thinking back, he had NS when he first started to D&D me, I was living with him, well it backfired cause he was wooing her and she had no idea about me and when I caught them, she took off and wanted nothing to do with him. Didn't know what NPD was at the time. I took him back 2 months later on a trial basis, that lasted another 7 months and I left him again. Hoovering attempts worse and worse, he couldn't handle being discarded so he was planning revenge for a very long time......I will be glad to say he never got his revenge, he tried but I blocked and went NC and the first sign of his old behavior. oh but yes he tried again and again.....he won't be trying anymore...he tried to get the best of me but I let him have it where it hurt the most : ) I don't think I will be getting any more hoover attempts now.