Originally posted by: Guest on Sept 1, 2007, 8:43pm

I apreciate your responce. Would not want to make thread about me, as there so many important posts that can use reply- I really apreciate it. BTW- may be you guys can post your stories in separate threads, so we can talk about each situation in details, as it is harder to reply to a group with different problems in same thread. Regarding sex... Many things happened in my life, and if i was in counceling, the therapist would definitely find relationships between events in my life and my position on this topic, I personally not sure- thats the reason. But you are right- i constantly feel as my partners not good enough. And ou know what- I have a history of dating Narcissists- I am serial NPD partner, who dear Sam would call "inverted" narcissist, or may be full blowing narcissist myself- i am so used to ups and downs and drama of relationships with NPDs- normal people do nothing for me. ::) Isn't it aronic?

Originally posted by: Guest on Aug 31, 2007, 10:04pm

Wow- and you complaining about it? No sex, I mean. Boy- I wish i could fing a man who does not want sex! I hate sex and thats why i can't keep any relationships- because they want sex. If I could find a man who does not need it, I would be sooo happy.

Originally posted by: massagelady1 on Aug 31, 2007, 1:26am

Back to the sex thing , before I forget. One strange thing I found out through conversations with dancer friends is that they also had sexless lives with their narcissists. At least three dancers I know have encountered the exact same rejections as the rest of us.Once the relationship became permanent they lost interest in them sexually, in spite of their nice shapes and talents. My daughter, a dancer , was also married to a narcissist for 10 years. My son in law didnt work , and called every one else in the world sheeple. Half sheep half people . He claimed to be too smart to leave the house and couldnt be expected to have to work among incompetence and stupidity . My daughter paid for everything a house and two cars he used drugs my daughter does not even smoke or drink , yet because of her job, he would try to discredit her, yet also keep her dancing, he now has a bench warrent for running up her old credit cards .When they got together she was 17 and he was 28, He isolated her for several years, She became too independent to let him control her and became stronger and stronger while he declined. She is now remairried to a wonderful man and they are expecting there first baby in April.Some dancers husbands are even worse when it came to spongeing money because of the huge amounts dancers can make. they took their money and called them names. The same as with us. Candice

Originally posted on Aug 30, 2007, 6:35pm

Narcissists love pornography. Not because they like porn, but because they are addicted to porn and prefer to watch porn rather than be intimate with their significant other. My ex would rather watch porn than sleep with me any day of the week. It makes sense if you think about it. Of course they prefer to masturbate by themselves to pornography rather than be intimate with another person. They get turned on by their own image! I talk about this more in my book in the sub-chapter titled, "He avoids intimacy and sex." They have what's known as a Madonna-whor e complex, which ultimately explains it all. They are only turned on by whor e's (porn stars or strippers) and view any other type of woman as a Madonna, completely sexless. If they are a cerebral narcissist, they avoid sex and regard it as a maintenance chore required to sustain their narcissistic supply - a.k.a. their significant other. If they are a somatic narcissist, sex with several different women is a means to get narcissistic supply, but nothing more. Narcissistic Supply = Attention/Affirmation

Originally posted by: JM on Aug 27, 2007, 5:11am

Oh my God. I thought I was all alone. I thought I was the only one. I am terrified and relieve at the same time. I am in so much shock right now I can hardly believe that I have been reading story after story about my own terrifying existence for the past 16 years. I was convinced after a short time of being married to this man that all of the ugly things he said and did to me was entirely my fault because he convinced everybody, including me sometimes, that he was a wonderful father and husband. Yet I knew what he had done to me. Nevertheless, nobody believed me. They believe him. He told horrible nasty tales about me and Not just to a few of his friends and family, but he actually got my family members believing him and on his side for a very long time. He had secret meetings with my employees and had them calling him and telling him every move I made. He turned them against me and one by one or groups at a time, He convinced every single soul he encountered including my mother, my brother and sisters, and all of my friends, that I did horrible things that I never in my life would have ever done. He talked about me to every single neighbor, our preacher, my insurance broker who I had known for years, our son’s day care teachers, then elementary school teachers, then middle school teachers and principals and now he's doing the same thing with his high school teachers and principals. It was as if he could not or would not stop until the whole world knew that he was a victim of a manipulative, lazy, pathetic, drug addicted, alcoholic, sleeper, and pathetic excuse of a mother. I never knew for sure if it was he or I after awhile, because soon I began to feel just like the person he said I was. I felt like a piece of trash. I was convinced that I was everything he said I was. I have felt so ashamed and inadequate for so long and can hardly remember the strong, intelligent businessperson I had been before I married him. Before we got married, he was so good to me. We met in college and I saw him occasionally but never saw the warning signs back then. I really liked him a lot but, because as he well knew, I was already in a committed relationship and had no desire to leave it. in Scuba class, I was a student, and he was helping to teach the class. I was afraid of the whole being underwater thing most of the time, and he always came to my rescue and reassured me that I was a great scuba diver and not to ever be afraid because he would never let anything happen to me and I believed him.

I have been married to this man for over 15 years; he’s filed for divorce at least 4-5 other times over the course of our marriage and he has left me 4-5 times throughout the marriage, and would usually stay gone several months and then he would woo me enough, do a few nice things, all to convince me that I should let him come back. Sometimes he would say to me that it was partially his fault but as soon as he was back in he would recant every word of that and tell me and anyone else that it was all me and he did nothing wrong.

I have been trying to get through the last divorce that he filed against me for over 3 years now. He has filed at least 3 or 4 additional times since the 1st year we married but quickly had those dismissed. I'm sure it would have been more but for the first 5 yrs we were married he lived in another state(s) while he was going to medical school & doing his residency.
When our son was 18 months old he came home on a two week break. He laid around all day while I worked 10-12 hours a day in the business I had built over the past 6 years. I almost always took our son with me to my office, but one day he asked me to leave him home with him. I felt like it all was well with us. It was not. Later that evening when I returned home, they were both gone. He took my baby and filed a malicious divorce case making the ugliest accusations and lies one could imagine. He told the court I let my baby lie in filth, eat off the floor, neglected him almost always, by leaving my little one with him to babysit while I went out on dates to bars with other men and came home drunk every night he’d been there. He said I left a loaded gun lying on the floor next to my purse and he walked into the room just as my son picked it up and put it in his mouth. This was only the beginning. He went so far as to set up scenes inside of my condo of beer bottles, beer cans, trash, and food all over the floor and sat my son in the middle of the scene and took pictures. The judge gave him temporary custody and had a restraining order filed against me because he was afraid for his life, our sons life and his other family members safety because I was so violent! Then he finally called me a couple of days later and told me where he was. He took him to his sister’s home 2 states away, but not before stopping by his parents home to let them know all of these horrible things he “had just learned about me”. I agreed of course to drive to Georgia to talk to him as he requested. He held my son for ransom. He made many demands of me, one of which was to close down my (successful and only family income) business and move to St Louis with him so that we would be like a normal family. Sweet Jesus. That was the worst day of my life. I of course agreed to everything because there was no way I was going to let this narcissistic son of a pregnant dog take my precious child. But this was early on when I was a whole lot younger and stronger. As soon as I got back to Nashville, I never again let my son out of my site and I went straight to an attorney and counter filed for a divorce, letting them know exactly what he’d done and all about the physical abuse that had already begun.
When he finally finished med school and his surgical residency, he came to live with our then 5 yr old son and me. He made a good salary the last 2 yrs he was gone but never sent us a dime. I paid for the first 5 yrs alone. He of course denies this, and went into a crazy maddening range when I told him to prove it, because he knew he never sent anything and he couldn’t prove anything.He never even said thank you. Instead, all I received in return was constant humiliation and criticism.

He drugged me on more than one occasion and took pictures and videos of me. He hid video cameras to spy on me. He stalked me constantly or had someone else do so when he could not. He has spent at least $40,000 on lawyers and dragging me into court for the smallest of excuses. After he told the entire world that I was addicted to pain medication, he forgot to add that he was the one who prescribed almost every single pill. He then had drugs to control me and often did. He is a raging alcoholic. He NEVER tells the truth. It is never his fault. It never was. All of our problems were all my fault. He earns at least $300,000 per year, forged his income tax records and financial records and when he left me that last time it was only a few months after I had had a debilitating stroke which he told the whole world was not a stroke but drugs that caused me my problem. He then abandoned both my son and me. I could hardly work at all when he left although it had been almost 6 months since the stroke. I had a secretary of 11 years to save me but he got her so upset by dragging her into court and deposing her that a month afterwards she left me also. I knew he would never stop until I had no one left.

He had his lawyer demand I produce tax records for the past 5 yrs and he knew d**n well I had been very ill and that I had not filed those taxes; and he used that because he knew in my current physical condition there was no way in hell I could have done those taxes and I tried so hard to do so. He is a surgeon and jas 2 very successful practices and he somehow convinced his legal counsel and a judge that he only made 32,000 year and because I had this stroke I could not comply quickly enough to prove my income and therefore he just made something up and swore under oath to it. He told the court I made $60,000 year net and I am a whole lot less educated than he. Although he could afford to go on at least 1 exotic vacation every month or so; bought a house and put it in someone elses name; refurbished his gay boyfriends whole house in which he now resides (alone) I am assuming anyway. He also has a house full of brand new furniture, appliances, stereo system to die for, big screen t.v. and spent at least $8,000 rebuilding an antique car, (all this past year) he somehow convince the judge that he only made $3,000 month gross. He also admitted under oath that he had an affair with “only one woman” shortly after he left me.

As for me and my 15 year old son, we got screwed. Because of my disability, I could no longer earn nearly as much and I had given attorneys a total of approx $10,000 to help me, they didn’t do one single thing for me. I have no money to fight anymore and he has known this for a long time but didn’t care when I told him we had to have our gas turned off that heated our hot water. We drove to the ymca to shower for 2 solid months. He laughed and then said in a cruel voice “that’s what you get for kicking me out, pregnant dog”

He beat me, he forced me to have sex with him after bullying me into painting his face with makeup lipstick eyshadow the whole nine yards. He bought $700.00 worth of wigs for himself. He put on a pair of my VS panties and tore the elastic and stretched them to fit him. Then he told me to find him a suitable classy outfit he could wear and I’d better make him look hot. He wanted me to make him look like a beautiful woman and I failed miserably because it was not possible. He knew how ugly and repulsive he looked. After that night, that’s all he talked about and all he wanted was to dress up from head to toe like a drag queen and have sex. I vomited on a regular basis. It was not only repulsive but against my religion as a Christian.

I received 2 more motions today and I no longer have my attorneys. I overheard him say over the phone that it was because they got tired of not getting paid. That was not true either. I haven’t even hit the tip of the iceburg here but had to get this out. The bad news is, there is a key logger on my only computer in which I am now using and he will read every word I just wrote. If I end up dead soon, please, someone please give this letter to the Nashville Police Dept. I have never been this terrified in my life.

Thank you with all my heart for being here. I still can’t believe there are so many other victims just exactly like me. I think your enlightenment may have saved my life and the life of my son.

God Bless You All.

JM - The Doctors Wife

Originally posted by: genie on Aug 26, 2007, 5:12pm »

Greetings everyone, I am glad to have found this forum and it helps to know I am not alone. I was married to someone with NPD for 29 years. I am in the process of divorcing him now and the battle wages on. I had already decided to leave before I knew anything about NPD. Learning about this disorder has been a huge help for me to "move on" without regret. Knowing what I am dealing with helps me to stay strong.
Life with him was indeed a living hell and a mind f--k. The stronger and healthier I got the worse he got. I could sit here all day and tell horror stories but I won't. I get it now and am so grateful I finally got away.
It took a long time as I had created a beautiful life,home,family,studio and gardens where I planned to live the rest of my life. I did everything to stay which resulted in living an ever more degradated ,tortured existance that was sucking my life force right out of me(and giving him more power and pleasure)

I think one of the hardest things to accept and move beyond is that I loved and gave my life,built a life with someone so evil. They really do lure you in and the more loving and caring you are the more suseptible you are to their evil.

I have 3 sons(grown) with him. He uses and hurts them and that is yet another pain to overcome.

Well I just wanted to briefly join in and confirm that EVERYTHING I read about NPD is the story of my life. The imformation on sites like this is very healing to understand the nightmare that was my life that I am now awakening from. As someone has told me "the best revenge is to live a happy life" That is my goal now,to stay strong,get thru this divorce and get on with my future. It took years of pain and suffering to realize my future with him would always be hell.

I feel very bad for anyone who has small children with a NPD as they will be forced to interact with them and watch as their children get used as pawns in this evil game they play.

We can all be glad we are at least getting the knowledge and truth about this horror instead of being stuck living in it...

Looking forward to helping everyone by joining in and claiming that I too was duped,used and sucked dry and empty by the very man I loved. I can at least see my progress in that I no longer will allow myself to live that way no matter what the cost. I have saved my soul. I also know not to waste my compassion on him. My motto is "God have mercy on his soul because I don't" I have instead turned that mercy and compassion on myself....best wishes to all of you.....have faith,love yourself,stay strong.......genie

Originally posted by: annie on Aug 26, 2007, 2:46am

I too was once married to a Narcissist man. I read some of the posts about the experiences others have had and mine sounds "par for the course". It was an experience I will never forget and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had been divorced from my husband of 33 yrs and the father of my 3 children for about 5 yrs when I met this man. I found out after I was married to him 4 yrs that everything he had told me was a lie. He was charming, very convincing, had a good sense of humor but with his many mood changes,complicated personality that came out after I married him, it took me 10 yrs to finally get to the point that I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster life he subjected me to. I never knew what would set him off. One minute he would be in a great mood and the next minute he was a raging maniac and it was always my fault. He fabricated stories of his past life and for awhile had me believing him. I had always considered myself a fairly intelligent woman but he flat did a good snow job on me.He told me he had only been married once and had one child,was a bull riding champion in 1984 and 1985 and had a belt buckle to prove it, he told me he was born in Louisiana, and because of his rodeo career, his family had disowned him,and the biggest lie of all, he told me that because of having 2 open heart surgeries, taking quite a few meds and an old injury from his bull riding days that he was unable to perform as a man. I was so in love with him, I believed his story and told him that I loved him and that didn't matter to me. So, right from the start, we never had sex. He had me walking on egg shells most of the time with his mood swings. If I questioned him about anything, he would get so mad. Everything had to be his way or no way. We were married barely 8 months when I caught him with another woman. I was devastated and told him to leave. This woman was about 15 years younger than him and someone he had met that he worked with. I did not understand. I treated him like a King. I went in debt to buy him a new truck because he claimed that he had never had one. I bought him new clothes, boots, belt, buckles, waited on him hand and foot and was working a full time and part time job to afford to give him things he claimed he had never had before. He was on disability so he only worked this job part time because he was bored sitting around the house while I worked .To make a long story short, I put up with this man cheating on me time and time again, even stealing from me, leaving, then begging to come back off and on for 10 years. After 4 years of marriage, when I caught him with another woman, I did some checking, at the advice of one of his family members, and found out that he was still married to his 5th wife when he married me. I filed for an anullment and got it. The pattern of him leaving and coming back went on for almost 10 years before I finally had to face that this man did not really love me as he had professed he did but only used me as his source of supply to get what he wanted. It has been a year now since he left the last time, one day after Christmas, after he had gotten all his gifts, and I told him that I didn't love him anymore and was sick and tired of his crap and lies and deceit and that I never wanted to see or hear from him again. He was slowly killing me and I knew I had to get him out of my life.I had to do alot of research on my own to figure out he was a Narcissist. It was only when I lost all trust and respect for him that I stopped loving him. I finally did not feel sorry for him any longer and just wanted him to stay out of my life. You can't change a Narcissist because they have no conscience, no abillity to love, and could care less who they hurt to get their way. He was not the man I thought he was and did not deserve me. I feel sorry for anyone who gets involved with a person like this because it leaves you with emotional scars and they could care less............

Originally posted by: lifesajourney on Aug 25, 2007, 8:24pm

I have been married to a narcissist for 18 years. We are currently still married, but I have learned that he has hired a divorce lawyer (he told me he hired a lawyer who tries to keep marriages together), had our family go to counselling (where I found out the counsellor was suggested by the divorce lawyer to find out how badly I was hurting the children) and refuses to give me access to funds which would allow me to get a competent lawyer (he said I should just send the bills to him and he will pay them if they are reasonable.) No kidding.
Living with a narcissist is like living inside a poorly written movie where nothing seems to make any sense. Your first step is to remove yourself from his day-to-day emotional attacks. Only when you put some distance between the two of you will you begin to see how unreal your life has become. Take yourself, and your children, out of the "movie."
The second step is to begin trusting in yourself again. Go for walks, talk with friends, read books about narcissism - anything that will strengthen your sense of self. His constant goal has been to chip away at who you are, without having you realize it. You have to get the strength back to put yourself together again and fight.
The third step, if you have children, is to prepare for a lifelong battle. To your children, he is still Dad and always will be. You need to help them realize that he loves them, but will never be able to love them unconditionally. They will always want that "real" love, but will have to learn that they can never expect it from their father.
In response to Dawnger's request for advice on proving to others that her husband is a narcissist, I would suggest that she simply give up the fight. If he is like my husband, he is capable of acting in any way possible to get what he wants. How can you expect the judge to realize that your husband only wants to use his children to boost his ego as a father when the man is all teary eyed and sobbing "I only want to see my children" (when you know that he only wants them when is latest fling is unavailable.) You know the truth. I think the only way to beat someone like this in court is to get the very best lawyer you can afford, get the help of a good accountant and get what is due you. Period. Then walk away. Don't expect anyone who has never been in a relationship with a narcissist to understand. It probably took you years of living with this man to understand who he is, you can't expect a stranger that only knows your husand's public face to know what he is like. Let him live in his own world of lies and make-believe. Protect your daughter by getting as much financially as you can and limiting his time with her.
I am looking forward to chatting with other women who are also moving through divorce with a narcissist. I live in the state of Washington. Does anyone have advice specific to that state?

Originally posted by: snowflake on Aug 25, 2007, 6:14pm

I to was in the same situation as you I have been on my own now for 5 years and took him back about 3 years ago only to find out he was still sleeping around and had a stripper pregnant that was then end for me
He took me all the way in family law court and has tried to destroy me by having G/F new one ringing my work etc etc
It has not been easy but I am still alive my sanity is better but still have days were I go to pieces and can not get out of bed my teenagers do not talk to him and my 15 year old says he is just a big liar I can only wait for the day when Karma happens
He is a mean nasty man who can only think of himself with no remorse to how he treats people I have my zone where I can just cut him off and be kind to myself and chill out