I've mostly let go of the hurt related to the "relationship" with exN, but there is one issue that I don't quite know how to move past.

I had only been with one other man before exN. I was inexperienced for my age and also had some serious body image issues that I was recovering from. Unfortunately- I made the mistake of trusting exN and discussed this with him at length before I slept with him.

He was upfront about being a very sexual person...and had told me he had been with quite a few women. I also knew that he liked rough sex- although I think there was a serious disconnect b/w my assumptions about what that entailed and what the reality is/was.

Anyway- the first time we slept together, things were normal. But after that- he never finished. Ever. He would always stop...first time, he told me condom broke, every time after that it would follow same pattern- he would get rough...and then tell me he didn't want to hurt me and would stop. I would say, no, i"m okay, please keep going I want you to finish, and he would say no, really I don't want you to get hurt. It was so awkward.I tried to discuss it but he would brush it off...or retreat and grow distant or silent if I really pushed.

Of course, given my issues, deep down I feel that it was because he wasn't really attracted to me. Obviously, he can finish. And if it wasn't about me, then why wouldn't he just be honest with me? I just can't make sense of that part...and I'm too humilated to talk to anyone else about it. I mean, I've never really heard of such a thing? Most men, finish too fast. Who's ever heard of a guy not finishing at all? After going for hours??

PS- Oh, and he was very loving and affectionate during and after sex, btw...even though he was a little rough. He loved to cuddle and would do so all night and hold me all morning...but then, second we got out of bed, he wouldn't touch me. So strange....and so very confusing.

What a looooser!

My ex was very weird sexually. Here's the profile:

He was a virgin until he met me (he was 25). I was supposedly the first person he slept with.

He told me he had intimate experiences with 3 other women (oral sex and fondling) before me, but no intercourse because he was saving that for "someone I love." He's not religious. He's a die-hard atheist.

He said he didn't masturbate, at ALL, until he was nearly on the cusp of his late teens (19) to early 20s. He claimed he had NO interest in that or anything else during this time period.

He revealed that he has a strong fetish to see women urinate through their clothing (pants and panties) and that this was the strongest part of his sexuality. He would look often on sites that were dedicated to this fetish. He kept a lot of videos and pictures of women peeing themselves in bed and in their clothes. He also was attracted to peeing ON women and having them pee ON him.

Later on in our relationship, when he began to turn away from me sexually (NO more interest in intercourse) and ONLY expressing interest and openness to the fetish and oral sex, he said he fell into a deep state of depression and irritation after having orgasms, that it was chemical and he had been this way for years. I looked up information for him and found that there's a condition called post orgasmic illness syndrome (POIS). When I showed it to him, thinking I was being supportive and helpful, he coldly brushed it off. I figured it would be a breakthrough piece of info, but he stated, "Thanks for the information, but I am not interested in working on this now. Sex is not important to me. I focus on other things."

When he did have intercourse earlier on, he had NO rhythm and was bad at sex. He later on told me that sex to him feels very mechanical and unnatural and it's not something he has any interest in, and could live without...that his fetish is the strongest attraction...and sometimes oral sex. He made no attempts to be with me sexually when we were together as time went on (intercourse-wise)...unapologetically. And I am not someone who needs sex all the time myself, but he made me feel horrible for wanting a normal healthy sex life with him. Like something was very wrong me with that he didn't want to be with me. Even men other N's use women for sex, if there's nothing left of use to them. This man didn't want to have intercourse with me AT ALL.

As I mentioned, he had stopped having intercourse with me. Each time I brought it up, he always had an excuse or would tell me that he could only have sex with someone if the relationship was "perfect" and that we needed to be better as a couple (although he continued to withdraw, detach and cause problems in our connection). He said he struggled with asexual tendencies but didn't feel that he needed to change. When I first met him, he made no claims such as this, but as the relationship furthered, he said more of these things and continued to withdraw.

He got irritated and very serious when I joked sexually or brought up topics that were sexual in nature, like any normal person does once in awhile, especially in a partnership. He claimed those things turned him off and that he "wasn't in the mood" even if the topic was clinical, rhetorical, and/or impersonal and not necessarily meant to entice him. But while he did that he never had a problem laughing at other people's raunchy jokes or sexual references. Just with me. In the beginning he was NOT like this with me.

I found out that online years ago, he was posting ads to meet women for his urine fetish. An old personal ad was still up from back in 2001. He has no idea I know it exists. When I started to see more about his true narcissistic personality and that he wasn't Mr. Wonderful as he was in the beginning, I began investigating online to discover lies I suspected about other women, and I came across this ad. He told me he never told anyone else about this fetish and that he never experimented with other women, involving the fetish. If he was posting ads looking to meet women for urine play years ago, then I am sure he's had more sexual experience with this fetish than he claimed. I always suspected that. And since he's proved himself to be a pathological liar, many times over, I am sure he has, among other things.

He has a strong attraction to -very- overweight women and loved looking at photos of them often online. He labeled himself as a Fat Admirer (FA). I personally am not very overweight like the women he looked at online (slightly larger than average size), but I'm not thin, either. These women had stomachs hanging down, rolls everywhere, and they were at least 400 pounds or more. He said he found very large women attractive and that it wasn't a fetish, but a true admiration of larger women. But something always rubbed me wrong about this area of his personality, not because I think it's bad to find beauty in larger builds (that's not the case), but because of the way he expressed this attraction. It seemed parasitic and egotistical.

He'd go back and forth between expressing an interest in larger sizes but then saying bad things about women who were too big (relating to health). He'd talk about health risks and that there was a such thing as being too large (especially if women got to the point of needing to use scooters), meanwhile the women he looked at online were grossly overweight and extremely large. In contrast he loves to keep himself in shape and would go on and on about how the contrast between his hard body and a very fat body is attractive. He also talked many times about being a male anorexic in his early years and that he used to be very short and fat (4'11" 180lbs) as a 17 year old.

The new woman he is with is 350+ lbs and nearly 6ft, while he is 155lbs and is 5'7". He told me he prefers women who are petite in height but yet he is telling this woman she is his ideal (like he has so many other women he cheated on me with, and including myself when I was with him)

Oh and this woman he is with now is a 35 year old virgin...who is very religious.

He expressed no interest in mainstream porn. Just fetish urine-related sex.

He would sometimes feel guilty about his fetish, saying that, when depressed, he felt sick for having it. He admitted this a -few- times. He'd also express the same, once in a blue moon, about his interest in large women.

He acts like a completely different person with this woman and his friend circle than he does with me. With me, all of the above played a role in defining his personality...more and more over time. He was oddly frigid, dysfunctional and bizarre with me. Cold and detached, increasingly. I felt like the ugliest woman on the planet when I was with him. Although he kept telling me I was his physical idea and that he found me attractive. I was constantly denied a normal relationship and sex life with this man for the 5 years I was with him. But now with this 35 year old virgin, he is suddenly sexually virile and expressive, normal, and the fetish doesn't play a role outwardly. I am sure she knows nothing about this fetish...at least for now.

From what I learned about her, she is a virgin through and through. Her only experience sexually has been with kissing, and even that is extremely limited. She's never done anything else. And this woman used to be even bigger. Nearly 500 lbs.

So I don't know what sense to make of any of this man's behavior and who he really is and why he did what he did with me. And why he suddenly seems like a completely different person with -everyone- else. With me he was this screwed up person with all of these bizarre hangups and attractions who acted like I was completely unlovable, untouchable, and undesirable.

Lisa,

my first person account of the monster:

1. Addicted to porn
2. Addicted to prostitutes
3. Addicted to affairs with decent women
4. Addicted to intense emotional-physical affair with a whore who has portrayed herself as a wronged Madonna

what more to say...today I am in a foul foul foul mood because things are really in tailspin financially...I am in a panic...and in a rage.

I am wishing my govt would feed this NH to the dogs. he does not have any further rights to damage our Earth. He is a ghoul in living body.

Not only do i hate him...i am terrified of him.

For the Records.... when I was compelled to have sex with him, i HATED it.

it had no meaning....i never experienced the O. I always felt raped.

this was how it was for 20+ Years...the horror began right from the wedding night.

I was so naive... i had never had a boyfriend/affair b4 marriage...and i presumed this was how matrimony was supposed to be.

Lisa, hope i am not doing anything unprofessional by ranting out hometruths?

VERY ENRAGED with life and times today...bitterly cursing the nh...but in front of him i have to perforce kow tow and sweet talk like a barbie doll ( at my age of 50+)...what utter humilation.

Our Govt Laws are such here...that if a wife files for a divorce, she will be granted the divorce...but without a farthing of compensation.

so i am still stuck in this cage.... a Knight in Shining Armour has not come by to rescue me....alll that's storybook and fairytale..

reality is...that if i was thrown into this marriage...i have no escape...simply because i waited too long.

He seems as if he wants be the "helpless victim" of sexual aggression.
He acts like I'M the frigid one. He claims I reject him(in almost 6 years I've rejected him twice..once because my instincts told me he f'ing around...I was right)
He avoids me. We've argued about his perception of our sex life. And when he finds that he absolutely must attempt sex with me he acts like an adolescent virgin boy. Giggles...shyness...lack of confidence. It's quite repulsive. He claims he's scared of me.
Just today after MONTHS of no intimacy he came home from church (the church is moving and he was helping with tear down and move)and seemed quite "manly" and initiated some light petting. I acquiesced more out of curiosity. I haven't been "with" him since realizing he is a narcissist. Honestly participated as an "observer" We both knew I was on my way out the door and it wouldn't go anywhere.
Well I'm home now and he's in a "good mood" but here's the hitch. He's acting like a silly little boy....I mean a 3 year old. Talking baby talk. Being infantile.
YUCK!
He has no shortage of women he has phone sex with(I'm perfectly capable and willing to burn his ear off but he prefers to SNEAK)...he sexts all day long...he's even had sex with women. He seems to prefer them married...and UGLY....fat too. WTF?!
He claims to been rufied by women and raped by both men and women in his early 20's. I often wonder if it isn't wishful thinking. Or another manipulation tactic....guilt.
His sisters were both very heavy drug abusers. One is dead from an overdose and the other was disabled in a drug deal gone wrong. He claims that they accused his father of being "sexual inappropriate" with them. At which point they were both BANNED from the family. The only way they were allowed back into the family fold was to recant. He told me that about 7 years ago his sister called him into the bathroom at a family Christmas party and dropped her pants to show him something on her vagina. He SAYS he freaked out and ran. That same sister apparently spent their teen years trying to get him laid and telling girls he was great lay. Again WTF?!

I was at his parent's house for a bar-b-q a few years ago. His parents raised one of his nieces from a toddler. There are many nieces by unknown fathers. His sisters prostituted (like cheapy street hookers) to pay for their habit. This niece was 23 at the time. I consider her soul-less and as mean spirited as anyone in that family. Except when she wants something from her grandpa (the NARCS dad) Then she starts to talk in a breathy "Marilyn Monroe" baby voice. I said to the NARC once, "What the fuck is with the baby voice?" He said she always does that and can't tell if it's her real voice or not. I can tell you it's NOT. Before I met the NARC or his family she used to work at a gas station I used to go to. Her voice is only like that around grand-daddy.

Anyways back to the bar-b-q. I had come out on the patio from inside the house. I was behind the NARC's dad who was sitting. The niece had her back to me as she was sidled up beside her grandpa and was standing, she leaned and turned into him. The grandpa leaned back and stretched both of his hands up behind his head. I watched them smile and make eye contact. IT WAS SEXUAL. She wiggled into left his hand as he then ran it very sexually up the back of her right thigh over her ass, up her rib cage at her right side and between her arm pit and breast, she's very busty and his thumb ran across her right breast. She slithered into him and smirked like," Yeh, you like that don't you." He smiled very appreciatively as if to say," You know how I like when you do that." They both seemed aroused. I RAN...like the wind into the house. To this day no one knows what I saw.
Because of that I believe the NARC's sisters about their dad. I know he BEAT the NARC as a boy with punches that nearly kill a grown man. I wonder what else he did...and why the siblings are sexual with each other.
I wonder why he becomes child like in the context of sex.

I also lost my self esteem from his addiction to porn, I felt totally unattractive, I felt as though those women were more attractive then me, And I felt very inferior to them, I dont have money to get the plastic surguries that these women can get, I still have low self esteem now, Due to what he did to me, I dont know if I will ever get it back

Wow! I cannot believe it! I think it is just ironic that just a few days ago I found a "stiff" t shirt hidden under the bed! Certainly not the first, but it used to crush me that he would rather watch porn while the kids and I were at Walmart then to wait and hour and have a warm body! I have 2 kids and did my best to keep myself in shape. I remember one night him playing Xbox and after i had a glass of wine I sent him a cleavage text to get him up off the couch...about 15 minutes later he wandered in...really?!? Forget it! I used to take it personal...you can have your flipping hand all you want now buddy! I am just fine with it!

This is what I had - addicted to porn, all things unusual sex related and himself. He would wank off to porn with me laying there next to him.

"If they are a somatic or sexual narcissist, sex with several different women is a means to get narcissistic supply, but nothing more. Narcissistic Supply = Attention/Affirmation"

THANK YOU LISA - this really hit home for me. Seriouisly. Even though I knew I was supply, reading this was my wake up call. Just now. I really was only supply to him.

My ex narc told me he wanted as many women as possible, that was his fantasy. I was the OW, and after the first time we split up - he contacted me to tell me he was going to have a date with another woman, and could NOT understand why his wife was upset. Really? Of course, he never realized that it made me upset too.

Told me that his wife would not "allow" him to sleep around even though he met all of her fantasies. Kept asking me for advice on what to say to her which floored me.

For me - when "us" started, I honestly thought I was the only woman in his life - and after he kept telling me he loved me, wanted a future with me, etc...I was hooked. Then...I realized his strong need to be with as many women as possible. He told me that if a woman wanted him, it was because she thought he was attractive, where as his wife "had" to have sex with him.

Sick man.

Once again - thanks for driving this home. I was only supply!

Seems like the only time my ex wanted sex is if it was on his "TO DO" list! I got to a point where i didn't even want to bother cause it sucked! I think he prefers masturbation over sex! But whats funny is some of them really think they are all that lol

It was the best ever for me he liked to please

Mine was very erotic and always wanting chat sex with me at least twice a ay !We would talk about a lot of other stuff and when i tell him well,i am going talk to you late then he started...He wanted me to get off on the phone so he could hear and telling me i made his d**k hard with my voice but he also told me many times if he would have sex he could control himself and not get hard ! What is that all about i thought !He also was an porn adict while he was living with his children's mother he said he was sleeping on the couch because he wouldnt have sex with her..And with me he felt like doing it everytime he tought about me ,and he got a hard on !Well guess what,first time ever with me he had ED and ireally did a lot of things he desired for (me too i am not gonna lie) but nada,nothing then i said stop is ok and he said,is not you darling is that i havent madelove in a long time! yeah right only masturbate on porn everyday! second time 2 days later he did kept it hard for 3 minutes and thats all folks!no cuddling no kissing and told me..well i see you have been around,,,yes sure i was married 28 years to a guy and hadnt had sex for 11 years during my marriage and he told me too that i was worst then a Porn Star....The day after that he told me that he wasnt attracted to me,that sex with me was gross and then he rather stck his dick on a wall at least they dont need to talk! A month later he told me he was imagining how would be to be with a man and i saw him on a site with 20 year old boys and girls and is 42,,Then told me he jerks off yes looking in the mirror because he is a N..and he laughed...and i hanged up the phone disgusted and sad ...And this guy was angry st his children's mother because she did let them(12,14 and 16)watch the episode from Sponge Bob that dressed as a woman...Later i heard he had to leave home because his 15 year old daughter...what a disgrace really !

I still have a problem with the sex thing when I think about my exN. Because I let it all happen in my denial. This is I hope my last hurdle to get over.

I had a lot of sex with him to start with, although looking back there was a lot of role play and fantasy from him. I know now he's a sex addict. Didn't know what one was before.

When sex started to drop off after 6 months of knowing him (with him over 7 years) I knew he was watching a lot of porn, but he denied how much. I remember him going to work in Belgium for a night and he told me he masturbated 7 times watching some porn in the hotel.

Every night for the next 7 years he spent in front of his computer till 3/4am, while I was in the next room in bed. We never went to bed at the same time, I just heard the clicking of his computer and the movement of his chair. I asked him about it and he denied masturbating. But now it's obvious to me. He said he couldn't have sex with me because he wasn't in love with me and needed to be in love to have sex. When we used to have sex it became fantasy talk all the time with him, about lots of men f,,cking me then him doing it last. What a turn off. He also spat on my private parts and pretended he'd just picked me up and that I was a prostitute. Why oh why oh why did I allow this. He watched porn on his computer in front of me sometimes then. Just before we split he told me he wouldn't tell me if he was having an affair because it would change things. This I know now was him having pixel affairs. He was obese so this is how he would get his sex.

I had sex about 6 times in the last 3 years, and I'd loved having sex with my other long term bfs' before him. He would tell my friends we never had sex since we had the children. I was so sex starved. He did say he had become sexless and if I could get him hard he'd have sex but he had no desire with me. He watched porn ALL the time. Looking back it wasn't good sex even at the beginning too mechanical for me, piston sex. In the end I felt sexless and unattractive with him, I'd had good sex with other men before and and a couple since, and I don't feel sexless or unattractive now.

As I said I the sex thing is still a struggle with me, that he watched so much porn, obviously had cybersex and was paying for sex with prostitutes. Because I let him tell me the lies and did nothing about it but just lay in bed on my own for years.

Last night i got in from work at 3am, and loved looking around my house and actually said out loud "no clicking from your computer to be heard" . I did some more research when I got in and found this on the web:

Narcissists tend to make poor lovers long term. To them it is a mechanical act; it doesn't really require true intimacy just physical closeness. Usually in order for a partner to experience "mind blowing" orgasms they need to feel connected to their lovers own sexual excitement and feelings of love. Narcissist's don't have these passionate feelings they've spent so much effort repressing them. A Narcissists orgasms are not intense as a result. Some even prefer pornography and masturbation to sex.

http://www.echo.me.uk/npd4.htm

Myne never wanted a girl... but as soon as he realised "she could bring home her girlfriends for him when she was older" ... it was all ok....

FUCk.. they are sickos.

I WILL Survive.

i read stories on this topic and strange how everyone's sex like diminished after marriage, once a week, every two weeks, maybe once a month, every few months and many suspected bisexual and homosexual, I have always suspected bisexual with mine ALWAYS, wanting another man to give him a BJ is not what a heterosexual would ever allow, while I dont think narcissists constitute more homosexuals than any others I do believe their sexuality is so twisted that they want to try anything and all. I think alot of the ED is from too much porn and masturbation, mine would always tell me how much he missed me couldnt wait to f--- the shit out of me, then after months of not seeing him, he had ED when we were together, had to put in porn tapes, talk filthy, needed to rest to get it up again, would tell me my voice made his d--k hard, my lips wouldnt even make him excited, NOTHING, I found that odd when I have men 20 years younger try to pick me up and find me very attractive, yet this man who has a beautiful woman with him would prefer to masturbate vs having sex or pleasuring me, there was never oral sex on his part, NEVER which made me feel inadequate, I can live without that it wont make or break it but that was odd too, sex was a maintainance chore for him with me, I could tell he just went thru the motions just to secure me as supply, strange so many thought theirs was bisexual, I think they are capable of being bisexual mainly for the thrill of something kinky and different to experience. You could never have a consistent or normal sex life with them they are too warped sexually, no
sex becomes boring to them with their partners who live with them day in and day out. YES they prefer to masturbate, both counselors stressed that highly, they should live alone, all they need is their penis and a mirror.