Will I ever stop obsessing, I can't stop no matter how hard I try

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Sep 17 - 8PM (Reply to #21)
faithinthefuture
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michele115

you are new aren't you? If not I apologize for not realizing that. But in the last few days I've seen your posts and they are truly amazing! I am a strong stubborn ass woman..Taurus go figure..and I fricking know I will get thru this. I'll be damned if I will let my relationship with him get me down or keep me from my daughter. I'm just such a people person and to be where I am without any friends to do things with just fucking blows! This board is awesome isn't it?!!!! I know the world now is all about texting and facebook and emails. But I'm 52 & I like actually TALKING to people! Thats whats hard for me. Not having someone to share my day with. My exH(who is one of my best friends) used to tell me I could make any ordinary day seem good to listen about. :-) My job requires me to take calls 8 hours a day and some days I have no desire to TALK to anyone when I get home and yet for the most part I still could! OMGosh that's messed up! LOL! Keep writing your words of wisdom. They're good for the soul. God Bless
Sep 23 - 3AM (Reply to #22)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Faithinthefuture...

Just reading your post...Hi there...glad to meet you. Thanks for the compliment...Capricorn over here...something about us earth signs I guess...LOL Keep on keeping on! Peace.
Sep 23 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
kiwi10
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michelle's a cap, huh?

love female caps... not so much the men. my spycho ex is a cap.
Sep 23 - 11PM (Reply to #24)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I've heard MALE Caps...

Can be a bit of a pill to swallow....
Sep 17 - 7PM
jaycee
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will i ever stop obsessing

thank you all for your replies. I know everything all of you say, is such great advice, just knowing others went through this obsessing period too, makes me feel ok. im not crazy its natural and maybe an antidepressant would help, since my anxiety meds are no longer helping, i used to take one and my mind could focus on everything, now, doesnt help i get more anxious on certain days and cant focus on anything but the scum of the earth hN and his whore. I guess when im rational, I know he will never change, guess what, he hasnt changed, it just bothers me so much because she doesnt see the man behind the mask and i worry it will take her years before she does. I just dont want him with her, i wish he would move onto one of the others he is involved with, they never tortured me like this one did. Oh I pray I can stop obsessing long enough to know she will get hers too, and he is already getting his, in everyway possible.

Jaycee

Sep 17 - 7PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

me too Jaycee

its the obsessive thoughts only they are not about who he is with anymore they are about his sexual perversions. I have no proof but suspect as everything I read says its not a matter of if but when as to when they begin to have perverted behavior
Sep 17 - 5PM
Tinker
Tinker's picture

obsessing

i was going through just that a couple of months ago, and still am to a much lesser degree. as someone replied, an antidepressant helps a lot. also, use that obsession to read everything! i stayed in bed many many hours just reading sites like this (this one's the best:) and eventually it sinks in that it's NOT YOUR FAULT, and HE'S MISERABLE and will always be so. they make us think that if we were only different that all would be wonderful but they know inside their sick little heads that it's them. it won't work to tell yourself to stop, but give yourself a break, let the thoughts flow in and out, try all the tricks everyone is telling you and it will lessen, you'll get more and more YOU every day, and it'll be less about him. let us know how you're doing.... marissa
Sep 17 - 2PM
better off
better off's picture

Please keep

Please keep reading! jaycee... please read read read the board. This is discussed over and over and over again in the articles posted, the blog entries, the Share Your Story section, and just in people asking the same questions, even on this very first page. Use the obsessiveness to read more about the disorder, so you can quell the irrational obsessiveness that somehow he's going to be happy with someone else and someone else's children. If you educate yourself about it, even simply by reading other people's stories, you will see a very clear picture emerge of what they are, and how to get better. Listen to the answers! And STOP listening to the narc!! You spend way too much time talking to him about his f**ked up personal life and then spend the rest of your time thinking about what he said, which is MEANINGLESS! You need to go NC, so you can stop HIS influence in your mind, and you need to fill that space instead with truth! I know you share kids and there is household stuff but you can limit your interactions to essential info only. Stop feeding the craziness by talking to him. Members, there is scads of advice here. Please take advantage of it!!
Sep 17 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

It's almost impossible to

It's almost impossible to stop obsessing if you just tell yourself to stop, or wish yourself to stop. It's like trying very hard NOT to think of a pink elephant. Don't think of the pink elephant!! Are you still not thinking of that pink elephant?? NO pink elephants, now!! What, are you still thinking of that pink elephant?? I'm an old psychiatric nurse, and have had depression off and on my whole life, pretty much. One of my biggest symptoms of depression was obsessive thinking. Obsessive thinking/feeling is actually biochemical, it's a biochemical process in the brain. Once it gets started, just wishing it would stop is not gonna stop it :( What helped me was getting on an antidepressant, like Celexa or Lexapro. They interrupt those pathways, and rebalance the brain chemistry. They make you feel like a "normal", undepressed person would feel in the same situation. They don't make the problems go away, but they stopped me from going down the rabbit hole, and REALLY helped that obsessive thinking. Once the antidepressants took hold, it was like I could DO something, I had more power to turn away from all that shit and start making moves toward a healthier life. Some people take them for six months, or even less. Just to get a leg up on the situation. They aren't the only answer . . . they are just the one thing that really helped me :) . The other stuff is throwing yourself headlong into a new activity, something that takes up a lot of your internal mindspace. Something that fascinates you. I did this, too, but had to take antidepressants for a couple of months before I could get up the gumption to even DO something new. It takes time, but it all boils down to the fact that we who obsess have to do something different, we have to change ourselves, get some special kind of help to snap out of it. Just sharing how I finally got free of this :)
Sep 18 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Triggers

I was doing better until I sensed another woman fall into place for buddy boy. It's triggered awful feelings I had more or less gotten under control but now can't snap out of. I'm wary of taking drugs but appreciate that they help some of you. I just don't know how to deal with the frustrations sometimes. Therapy did help but one can't access that kind of support 24/7. This board helps, too. Changing the thought patterns is important but, initially at least, the emotions and anxieties take over. Maybe it's process of adjusting to painful realities, bit by bit, in the mind.
Sep 17 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Breisis

Thanks for the information...I've been through some doozies in my life, but this experience has brought me over the edge. I was very much anti pill up until now, HOWEVER, I think I'm gonna swallow my pride along with a Lexapro. I found a therapist finally...hope she's good, you won't believe what wackos are out there...well being in the industry, maybe you do...LOL scary to say the least, but I think your advice is on point...temporarily putting one down the hatch to get through doesn't make one weak or crazy, it makes one proactive. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Onward and Upward... Cheers!
Sep 17 - 2PM
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Getting through this

I understand the struggle. It sucks. You will start feeling better after a while, but it will take time and effort, I think. Do you have access to therapy? Honest to God, we need it after these people blast through our lives. A therapist will help you see the reality of him, not the illusion you were led to believe in. She or he will help you feel good about you and help you manage the stages of acceptance and grief. I think it's the only real route, actually. Do you think some of this is related to your self-esteem? That is also something for a therapist to coach you on. Whatever the case with your ex-N's situation, he seems to be a manipulative liar and therefore not a good person for you to be with. Do you feel liberated in any way now, or just completely down in the dumps?
Sep 17 - 2PM
hopefuljms
hopefuljms's picture

Believe it or not my

Believe it or not my therapist recommended wearing a rubberband and snapping it every time I thought of him. Beleive it or not it works. I have also tried every time I think of him adding the words D is an asshole and they both have helped. Not totally there yet but baby steps!
Sep 17 - 2PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Jaycee....(sigh)

"I start believing that he will wake up tomorrow transformed, but only for her, and become this amazingly honest, kind, empathetic human being, but only for her, as he never was with me." That's kinda like when they get together with you during the honeymoon phase....They'll tell you that you are so amazing that you reformed them, shown them the light, blah, blah. But you find out they are lying later, right? So why would he reform for her?????? That's just fantastical thinking, Jaycee, please think rationally about it. Ain't gonna happen, babe. " is he happy and just saying hes miserable?" I think youv'e been reading this site long enough to know that he is NOT a happy person. He is sick, frantic, and desperate for validation from EVERYONE. Doesn't smack of happy to me. " obsess about how he feels about playing family with her and her sometime kid, does he like it, cause he never liked it here, he never liked his own kids, unless it was a convenience. If he can't bond with his own offspring, what makes you think he could with someone elses? Yes, they are a convenience, just like EVERYBODY ELSE. You say you overanalyze things. I say you need to be more rational about things. I dont mean it to hurt you. As I said before, you need to be deprogrammed after al these years. This is just part of the process. We are here to support you, sympathize with you, and also RE-PROGRAMME you, Jaycee. And that involves slapping you silly every once in a while (smile) and calling out the fantastical thinking.
Sep 17 - 1PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

jaycee

I'm with you. Same situation. I'm going forward but he is there every second. The wondering about everything, constantly. I'm waiting to hear answers too.
Sep 18 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

This just gave me a thought

I was just thinking as I was reading this thread that we have to remember that at one time we were the most wonderful/special person he had ever met. Then later, we were the most awful/hateful person he had ever met. The ones before us were also the most awful/hateful. So I would surmise that they were also the most wonderful/special at one time. Since we know we are not the most awful/hateful person he could have ever met, we now assume that the ones before us probably weren't either. So in turn, the NW who is now the most wonderful/special person he ever met is just like all of the rest of us, and she will at some time become the most awful/hateful person he ever met. We are all the same to him. We are the most wonderful/special person he ever met (while we are being great supply) and we are the most awful/hateful person he ever met (when we start figuring out something just isn't right). The NW is just like us and will suffer the same fate we and all who came before us did.
Sep 18 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

this just gave me a thought

msvulcan, thanks, too bad she wasnt already the most awful/hateful person yet. i hope it wont be long before he starts to feel that, and she figures him out. because his playing family with her and her kid is killing me. he didnt even like his own kids and his real wife, why does he like them. hopefully its all fake...........

Jaycee

Sep 20 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jaycee...Did you See What you Just Said?

you said: "i hope it wont be long before he starts to feel that" Jaycee...What is a Narc? What do they lack? What is wrong with the sentence?
Sep 18 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
MsVulcan500
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Just remember that we are

Just remember that we are all interchangeable to them. One is not better or worse, just better or worse RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT. How long it will take for her to figure it out depends on a bunch of outside factors, and every "relationship" the N has is the same, but with different dynamics. His "relationship" will always be the same. But the partner's will always be different. Some women will say 'hell no' and get out right away, and others will hang in there hoping it will get better. I know next time I meet an N, I will not hang out for 5 fricking years. I'm just hoping that more people learn about this and they lose all of their supply so they all just shrivel up and die from loneliness.
Sep 18 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
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Interchangeable

I think this applies to other "supply" in Ns/Ps lives, not just female romantic/sexual partners. For my ex-Narc boss, employees were interchangeable. He let employees KNOW they were disposable. He threatened employees with firing from the get-go. For the ex-Psych professor, students were interchangeable. One of his colleagues, with whom he had attended graduate school, couldn't stand being around him (this professor was male) Ns/Ps see EVERYONE as disposable... not just lovers/spouses.
Sep 21 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
kiwi10
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interchangeable

yup, susan! my x has been through three employees since he left me (5 months) one of them being his only friend he hasnn't put his penis in.
Sep 18 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Absolutely

Everyone and everything to them is totally interchangeable and/or disposable.