Help Getting Out

Hi All,

I was with my narcisstic ex girlfriend for 4 years. At the time I was clueless to narcisstic people, and also that I was codependently enmeshed with her in the relationship. We hooked up when I was in my early 30s. I always wanted more with her, to settle down and have a family and it never happened. I was madly in love with her and was brutually discarded at the end. It was literally the hardest thing I've ever been though. PTSD, weight loss, depression, etc. This was when I started piecing things together. I vowed to move on and did. Went NC for about 2 years. Recently I thought I was strong enough to not care anymore, I feel guilty for cutting her off, etc. and I gave in to an old Hoover attempt. Quickly end up back in that emotional pit and still feel so confused. I feel like what if I'm the crazy one? Why can't I accept her and why do I crave her affection/ approval/ love? Why can't she be in my life? Why do I get so affected? On the one hand I miss her and long for her, on the other I don't trust her and am horrified at the prospect of going what I went through a second time. Any advice? I could use some words of wisdom/ support/ etc. Thanks in advance.