Alcohol brought out the Narcissist

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#1 December 14, 2016 - 9:33pm

Alcohol brought out the Narcissist

My story starts off as many in the forum have. We met almost 3 years ago. I had come out of a divorce over a year before I met her and had healed and was very content with my life. I finally started taking dating seriously again after the run of the mill mild flings. She picked me up on a dating site. I didn't have very high expectations, but the banter was light and she was quick to respond. No waiting hours for a reply like the normal game players. My buddy told me to give her some time between responses, but I told him I would rather be myself and if being myself caused her to lose interest so be it.
We hit it off and dated for an entire year without an argument. She really did have everything I was looking for. She was a very curvy sensual woman with a compassion for people. She taught me how to care for others when I had always only worried about my immediate family and small circle of friends. It was a good balance where I helped ground her to fight only the battles worth fighting with her ex husband or co-workers. She spoke of partnership and always working together. This excited me cause I had been dominant in my marriage and knew I was the reason it had failed. I thought I knew what partnership was. She really did teach me partnership. As time went by we took things very slow. Over 2 years we built a very solid relationships with each others kids and other family members. She would always go out of the way for me where other women hadn't. I filled a role as a mentor for her 16 year old son who had been part of a grueling ongoing court custody battle. Though they had been divorced for 8 years she always said he would never let her rest until he had her back.
In all her relationships then men had cheated and she could never give me a reason why. I was astounded by why men would cheat on a woman that is almost a fantasy. There was definitely baggage in her past. She had been molested twice at a young age and a violent rape at 15 that she would never go to counseling on. She learned to cope with it thru certain songs or childrens movies prior to going to sleep. Part of this is why she said she didn't care for sex, but every now and then. We would have sex weekly early in the relationship then it went to only once every two weeks for the next 2 years. She was amazing and with her violent past I understood.
The first crack came at about 6 months in when she would just go cold on me and show no affection. when i would bring this up she would laugh about it and make me feel ashamed for bringing it up. At one point her son stepped in and yelled at her for the way she had treated me. Her son and I had developed a very strong bond at that time, which did seem to threaten her. She started showing more emotion after that and things continued to get better, but every 6 months she would go cold again.
I always noticed she liked to turn the conversation back to her 90% of the time. Or she would play on her phone while I was talking to her. I would point out things like this were rude and I listen to her when she is speaking. After some time she always listened to what I had to say. I felt this was all give and take. Then alcohol showed me who she truly was.
We both love to go out to a little dive bar and people watch. She was amazing at this, but she also always told me she could handle herself at a bar and if man was hitting on her she would deal with it. She said she would be very upset with me if I stepped in. There came a day where a guy grabbed her butt and I was getting ready to beat the living crap out of this guy, but my buddies were able to stop me. She scolded me and told me to go apologize to the bar owner and the guy that grabbed her butt because she was trying to get a part time job there. I refused, but made peace with the guy that did it.
Fast forward a few months later and I finally saw her real personality come out. She had been having problems with her son and blamed him for leaving a life she lived in her hometown and having to move away from it due to the custody fight. We got home from the bar and she broke him down and told him she hated him and hated her life because of him. The woman can cut very deep when she is drunk. I stepped in and told her what type of mother speaks to her son this way. She went on to say the meanest things to me as well. I fired back and we ended up going to sleep mad. The next morning she acted like nothing happened and only apologized when i told her I know you remember and you owe your son an apology.
Over the next 2 years things like this would happen every 6 months. She would drink too much and then say horrible things to her son or me. Her son and I blamed the alcohol. Then 2 years in we were at a country western bar and she told me how dancing is very sexual and personal to her. She said she would only dance with me because of those reasons. I then went to get us 2 drinks and see a guy with his hand on the small of her back. Being "well trained" by her not to do anything I waited for her to tell him to leave her alone. The next thing I know they head to the dance floor. I'm devastated after what she had just said to me about it being personal and sexual. The reason she had went with him was this girl liked the guy, but my girl has very large breasts and likes to show them off and he told her he didn't want the other girl but wanted my girlfriend. Basically she did this for her own ego and to flaunt to the younger girl she still had it. This cause her and me to have a huge fight and this time i say the horrible things to her after simply wanting a reason why she would do this to me. She would never own up to her actions having a part to play in this horrible fight. I knew then things were never going to be her fault so I packed the things I kept at her house and said we are done. She begged me not to leave so we talked it out in the morning. Again she would not accept her fault and said I had an an anger issue.
I then decided to go see a therapist who helped me thru alot of this with reading the 5 languages of love. I read it and found out her language and worked hard at it. She never read the book, but would proceed to tell everybody how much it had helped our relationship. This sat with me and burned me for awhile. I am a Capricorn and do not forget when I am wronged.
Finally we move in together. At this point she had taken control of most of the money and had alienated my best friend and oldest daughter in college. I was blinded by this. I thought this was my partner. After 3 months of being together I started to feel resentment towards her for making me feel ashamed for asking for sex or affection. Resentment is the worst emotion, but was probably the best thing that could happen to me. I started calling her out on all the favors my best friend had done for her and she would never repay. He gave her a car when her transmission was going out, he helped fix her sons car with me and even got her an interview at his company. He did this in hopes she would help set her up with her friend he was heads over heels for. All she did was manipulate the situation and always say she owed him nothing. There are very few things I hold higher than loyalty in my life and my friend had always been there for anything my family or I needed. So I started calling out her lies and excuses since we had not slept together in over a month. All I heard was excuses. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get her to show any type of affection. It was tearing me apart and took me to a very low point. She cared more about everybody else in this world, but me. This is when i realized if she really cared about me she would not be treating me this way. I started taking control back. Questioning about the money and needing to be transparent in our spending. I took a guys night out which I had never done cause I always wanted to be with her. She said go ahead, I like my alone time. She ends up showing up at the bar with one of my buddies wives. My friends are already aware of our problems. My girlfriend then starts changing into that person that I don't recognize starting problems at the bar and getting guys attention. I finally had enough and intervened twice on two sets of guys. The guys understood and were very cool. We ended up talking part of the night and laughing about it. Apparently this is where she had her last straw.
We get home and I'm hoping to finally have sex after 45 days of no affection. She tells me she would like to beat my 3 daughters. I'm like what are you talking about. All 3 of them have great grades and are good kids that work or are still in school. At that moment my 18 year daughter who I have finally started to patch things up with decided to stay with me that weekend. She got off of work and walked in to hear her say she wanted to beat them. My girlfriend then starts yelling and cussing at my daughter. My daughter starts crying and I step in and tell my gf to leave and do not come back. I tell my daughter to go to her mothers house and I will deal with this.
After my daughter leaves my gf begins to get in my face shoving me and telling me she hates me. I was sober and realized this is how she got her exes to beat her. She said she never knew why they hit her. i walked away and asked her to sit down so we could talk about this. I asked her to stay and please stop drinking, it was killing our relationship. She simply replied she hated me and was leaving. This was the second time in 2 weeks she left after having told me never leave during a fight.
The next morning I text her and said you crossed a path we can't come back from. We need to get ourselves out of this lease and take care of our own finances. This led me to this forum. I kept wondering what I did wrong and how I could fix it. I see now I was simply a means to an end to get her thru her court case with her son. Once all of this was done I became useless. We have worked out a deal with the landlord to be out in the next 2 months. She is living downstairs and me upstairs. She is attempting to slide back in, but I remain cold and come to this forum or read the book to stay strong. I have patched things up with my daughter and best friend. My buddy is keeping me busy whenever she is in the house and the kids aren't there. Some days are better than others, but I've accepted there is nothing I can do for her. It's painful, but I know the cycle would continue. I still wonder if it is simply the alcohol that makes her like this or if she really is a full blown narcissist. It makes me sad to know the woman she could be. No matter what, I can't undo the damage she did to my daughter. She is the one that always told me our children come first. That's why I'm leaving.

February 14, 2017 - 9:48pm

Update

Here is my update after breaking it off in December. I forced her out of my life in mid January. The landlord was very understanding. My best friend has been there every step of the way keeping me busy to stay away from her. He has dealt with this in the past and knew how to deal with it. It was truly a great help.
I'm now in my own place with my daughters. Life is truly coming together. I maintain the no contact and have gotten my financial life on the right track. I'm now able to pay off most of my debt and help my daughter in college without having to pay for everything I was for her.
Her sons still talk to me and her ex husband reached out to tell me he thought I was a good guy but there was no way I would listen to his warnings. He had been thru it and knows the pain.
I'm heading to the Southwest in April for a motorcycle trip from New Mexico to San Diego my buddy who has helped me out. I've been wanting to do this trip for 15 years. Now it's time. The healing is happening. There are still days I think about her, but it lessens everyday. I can smile again and know life will be good again. For now I'm enjoying my time with my kids and friends.
She has gone back to an ex bf that always was the guy I knew she would return to. The alcoholic and the narcissist. I have no remorse, but I do have pity on both of them. They relish in each other's misery making them feel better about themselves. He cycle continues and mine is just beginning again with a lot of there for me to see. I see a beach in my future very soon.

SGM76

December 16, 2016 - 9:53am

Narcissism and alcoholism traits mimic each other

She may very well be an alcoholic using the substance to self medicate her deeper underlying issues. Sounds like you are on the right track here. I often say to those wondering if their alcoholic is a narcissist, you won't know for sure until they put down the alcohol completely as the traits are often similar. Clearly she has a Jekyll and Hyde personality when she drinks. She also has untreated trauma and abuse from childhood. Many will act out as you have seen if they have unresolved issues with men from their past. You most likely know that you cannot get an alcoholic sober nor can you get someone to work on their issues. Once someone crosses over the line into abusing your children, I agree with you, it's time to call it a day. Sounds like you were willing to give it a shot until her abuse was hurting others you love. Honestly though, sounds like you were putting up with your share of intolerable behaviors as well. I don't see any hope here if she refuses to go into treatment for herself. Alcoholism is a disease of denial, it's a condition where the the blame is generally placed everywhere other than on oneself. Living with an alcoholic, narcissist or both is no picnic. I encourage you to stay out of this. Perhaps you didn't really give yourself enough time to enjoy your alone time after your divorce from the other one. You said you went right into flings and then this one. A year is not as long as you think in terms of healing. We recommend a good 2 years. I know that sounds like a lot, yet look what happens when you don't. Enjoy you for awhile. Having to give this much of yourself after a marriage is NOT healthy for you.

Together and strong,
Goldie xoxo

December 21, 2016 - 10:35am (Reply to #2)

had to find out for sure

Thank you for the feedback Goldie. I've been doing better and coexisitng in the same house with her until we can get the lease sorted out. We should both be out withing int he next month. As of now I am upstairs and she is downstairs.

I went against my friends advice and had to see for myself if she truly was a narcissist. A few days ago i explained to her that I would be moving out in January and we need to now start splitting everything 50/50 and I could no longer stay under this roof with her. She saw the pain as i said this so I asked her if I ever meant anything to her. I got a very cold you did. So I pressed on asking why she could not give my daughter an actual heartfelt apology. This question was bypassed and I started pressing her about never being wrong, never apologizing and these frequent drunk blowups. I said why did you say you wanted to beat my kids. She said it was a figure of speech. As I pressed on with facts the 3 things I read about came full bore. I went on to talk to her about her mother being a narcissist and I know this is not your fault.

She just went completely quiet and would not even look at me. So i stopped and waited. She then turned at me and said all of this was my fault and if she loses custody of her son it was my fault. She then left an unsaid threat with that. i stated I have done my part and it's time to take care of my family and me. I told her she was no longer my problem to take care of. Then the death stare came. It was a very cold stare, which sort of unnerved me, but I knew it was part of her last ditch effort of control. I was strong enough to stare her down. The good news is she went and found an apartment yesterday and has apparently reconnected with an ex bf to help her move and feed her need is what I assume. I feel bad for the guy cause I know he has gone thru this before and she has kept him as a backup for years. Thanks again for the reply.

SGM76

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