Recently realized...

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#1 Jul 28 - 7PM
linmack1234
linmack1234's picture

Recently realized...

Struggling to escape narcissist. Hi there! This is my first time posting on a site like this. So I guess I'll just start with how I met this narcissist.

I met this man roughly 7 or 8 months ago. I met him a work...he introduced himself to me and I noticed he had a nice smile and seemed very nice, but I didn't think much about him other than that. We'd occasionally cross paths and we'd make conversation. From what seemed like out of the blue I started to feel a very intense connection when we'd lock eyes. He would look in my eyes with such intensity...almost like a predator would look at prey (which is ironic in retrospect), but I was oddly exhilarated by it! I HATE saying this, but its like I knew this was strange and not good, but I was okay being his prey (in some subconscious way). At the same time, I was very aware of the fact that I was NOT into him as a person (intellectually). I'd often dislike many of the things that would come out of his mouth, but he'd say them while looking at me in that way that would literally stop me in my tracks.

These types of encounters went on for awhile until he asked me to join a group he was involved with. I told him it was not a good idea because it seemed obvious that we were attracted to each other. I am married and he is in a fairly long term relationship as well. Instead of agreeing he came on 90 times stronger and actually asked to meet up with him that night. I was flattered, excited, tempted and shocked. But I didn't.

One day at work we were having lunch together, he was on the phone with his GF at the time, who was calling to see who he was with and what he was doing. While still on the phone with her he leans over and kisses me. I was a little shocked...to say the least. Unfortunately, this progressed into more one day at work and before I knew it, I was engaged in a very strange relationship and had cheated on my husband, who I truly adore. Thinking about this aspect of it makes me sick to my stomach. I love my husband so much. He is an amazing person who is kind, loving, positive...I could go on and on. I was and am so ashamed with myself, but in these/those moments I felt almost incapable of resisting his advances and would actually look forward to them.

However, as time went on, the attention he would show me was all over the place (some days good...some days bad) I became slightly obsessed with his attention and could tell, well actually feel, when something was tormenting him. One day he told me that the reason he was inconsistent in his affection is because he is bipolar. My instinct and knowledge made me think that this was BS, but I found myself thinking "well maybe he is" which would then lead me to a place where I wanted to help him and understand more. I'm cringing as I write this...

This is NOT me, or at least I didn't think it was. I've always considered myself a very confident person...never seeking approval from a man/men. But look at me now. The strangest part is that I know that he is not a good person and I'm not looking to ruin my life, but I keep falling back into talking to him. This is even after I blew up at him. I told him that it was over after he flaked on me, which he did CONSTANTLY making me feel like an idiot for countless reason, but most importantly for giving him second, third, and fourth chances. He always has some lame excuse. The best part of it all is that the sex was horrible. We only had sex 2 or 3 times and EVERY time he struggled with gaining/keeping an erection. The attraction was just so strong that I'd overlook it, and once again I'd feel for him, hoping he was not self-loathing after etc. I can image that that is the most embarrassing thing to happen as a man.

ALAS he was never able to redeem himself and now here I am wondering why I can't just cut ties. It's driving me insane!!! I want him out of life (I LOVE MY HUSBAND and I would be devastated if he found out. This would destroy him....a thought that makes me ache in the deepest part of my soul).

My narcissist has been on one of his "pay me little to no attention binges" and I should embrace it/use it and move on, but I am in constant battle with myself. I'll say to myself, "don't walk by to see if he is there," but then I will compulsively. I think about him constantly. I just don't understand what is going on inside of me. I was happy...truly happy before this man came into my life. Please help me. Any suggestions would be so appreciated. I'm so ashamed and mad at myself for letting this happen.

Aug 1 - 1PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Hi Linmack