Tania's Story - Codependency

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#1 Jul 14 - 9PM
Taniam
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Tania's Story - Codependency

Hi All. I am a co dependent.

I want to start from the beginning, to try and somehow find some meaning, validation, something to make sense of how destroyed and nothing I am feeling right now. My sincere apologies if I sound negative, but this seems to have become an ingrained habit.
I am now 48 years old. I was previously married for 17 years. It was a good marriage, and we have one child together, our son was 8 years old at the time. However we broke up in 2006 and when I look back now the break was due to inrelatively 'normal'circumstances. I was 36 at the time and had fallen out of love. My husband was a good man, a good husband and a brilliant father. He was heartbroken though and three months after the split he made the decision to end his life.
This created in me the most intense feelings of self loathing, guilt, and trauma. I completely lost it to say the least and fell into a two year spiral of darkness. I wanted to end my own life, but I knew I couldn't for the sake of our son. Suffice to say that I felt like the worlds worst person and didn't deserve to share this planet with other normal and nice people.
Two years passed and I made the realisation that I needed to change my life. I worked in a very negative environment (Juvenile Prison) and wasn't coping at all. My closest friend had moved away to a remote town in the northwest of Western Australia, and told me that a job was coming up. I did have my own house in perth, and was relatively financially independent, but I thought that getting away and starting again, even if for two years might be a step in the right direction. It sounds easy now, but it was an extremely scary decision to make, with my now 10 year old. but I was sinking fast and I knew I had to do something.
My friend had set up a dating profile on a reputable dating site "RSVP". She said that I needed to increase my circle of friends, to get some self confidence back. I met a couple of men, and my confidence slowly did start creeping back in. I have very supportive friends who all reassured me that Ï was a "catch"', even though I didn't see it. Anyway, this is when my now soon to be ex husband got in contact with me. We met and from that night were never apart. He was soooo handsome and immediately informed me that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever set eyes on. I told him about my future plans about moving away and he said then and there that he is coming with me.
Not knowing anything about red flags, I was absolutely bowled over. he loved me within a week and moved in two weeks later, while we planned the move. He told me about his past, he left home at 15 and went to live in Queensland with his older half brother. From then he became embroiled in the life of nightclubs, sex, drugs, women and booze. He admitted that he was previously and intravenous drug user / junkie, and had tried every drug known to man. He had 4 children, who he 'said that he loved very much', but he was no good to them, which is why he left. The children are to two different mothers. He also admitted to trying prostitution (with older women) for money and that his last ''psycho girlfriend' was a prostitute and they were doing it together, in addition to internet sex shows. This was such a far cry from anything I had ever experienced that I kind of went into a denial and didn't fully believe him. He used to be a bouncer (certainly had the most beautiful physique) and beat people up for a living. He said that in those days he enjoyed it. He hadn't been home to see his two sisters or his mother for years due to his history and admitted to not treating his women right in the past, but that he had changed. He had no money, no car and was 'beginning again' after being ripped of by one of his exes.
I asked him at the time if it was all behind him, which he assured me, that he just wanted a normal life with a normal girl and had put the past firmly behind him. He had finally met his soulmate (me) and would love and cherish me until the day he died.
I thought to myself what a wonderful man to overcome so many hardships in his life and fell immediately into the greatest love of my life. The way he lifted me up felt amazing, I thought that I would conquer the world.
The first real red flag occurred only about a month after we had met. My family were so happy that I had finally found happiness with this man, they loved him, and that we were making a new beginning and new life as a family. My son was overjoyed to have a strong male figure in his life and rob was the life of every party. My father threw us a going away party, which my whole family attended where Rob got extremely drunk
One month later we moved to the remote town and I started work. It was around this time that some real red flags started screaming. He soon got a job with a drilling company and each weekend he would bring all of his workmates home to party. He is very charismatic, and attractive to other women, men and children. The drinking would get so out of hand and so regular - he is over the top, centre of attention and loud. He would do ridiculous things such as groping other men, touching them on the testicles, always always always the centre of attention. I went along with it, playing the loving, doting partner, however after a month of constant drinking and then the resultant hang overs I spoke up. Around this time I also found his diary, which provided a detailed event of his 'book' which he wanted to write of his life. It was full of the different women that he had had in his life, referring to them as pussy. It also had his previous sex dating names such as 'robocock.69'. I was horrified and a huge argument started. He would call me the most vile names, he is so big, strong and overbearing he called me some god awful name and then spat in my face. I slapped him in the face and he then retaliated by punching me so hard in the stomach that I couldn't breath. I was dropped to the floor. I think we'd only been in the town for a month or so. he walked out the front and I just couldn't couldn't couldn't believe it. So I walked out the front and hugged him. This followed with the most passionate sex. The horror incident wouldn't leave me, and I felt so minor, so little, so at his mercy. I wanted him to love me more than anything, which he said that he did. Some months went by, but another incident very similar occurred again in the new year of 2009, where he choked me. I will say that at this time, he was insanely jealous and possessive of me. if any man so much as looked at me, he would threaten to take their head off. I was flattered by this and thought it was because he loved me so much.
After the choking incident I went to my girlfriend (who he hated) in a devastated state. she had warned me then (I was 40 at the time) that this would never ever change and there was no going back and making it right. In no uncertain terms she advised me to leave, kick him out, get him out of my life.
Of course I didn't!!! I didn't feel like I would survive without him so when he begged for forgiveness, I felt like everything would be ok. He was so sorry, crying, begging, pleading, he would get help, he would do anything, he loves me and he's so sorry for fucking everything up....
This is so convincing, but his Brother who was visiting told me that he has seen all of this before....
Still we went on and I received a marriage proposal. I was in heaven and all of my dreams were coming true.
On one occasion I was invited by my girlfriend to go out for dinner. I had left a message with Rob and when I got home, he was packing his things to leave. he started screaming at me that he was not going to live with a woman who's friend was the biggest slut in town. I was hopping around the house begging and pleading him to stay. I just couldn't believe what I had done wrong?? I said I would never go out with her again (and I didn't). he left the house that night and I was completely destroyed. I had access to his private messenger account and he had messaged two of his ex partners, asking one of them if he could '"come home"'. I was insane with grief.
the next morning he came home and we patched it up.
The violent episodes decreased over the years, however the triangulation, with other women continued to the point that I felt like such a needy, clingy nothing, where everyone else is better than me.
he would push to a point, and then we would go through a honeymoon cycle where everything is wonderful again.
I hadn't mentioned before but he was in serious debt. I paid out each and every one of them, because that is what you do right? you do this for the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with....
he loves toys, so we brought a boat and had some of the greatest times ever. We brought motorbikes, trailers, everything and anything. Rob became obsessed with the military, and wanted to join the army. He loves guns, he tried out for gladiator and started looking for overseas body guard jobs. I became increasingly insecure and asked him why he would look for these kinds of jobs, he had by this time a brilliant job with a large mining company. He would say ''because that's what I've been born to do". I was accused of being unsupportive and this created so much tension and mini break ups / makeups.
18 months ago he got in touch with his ex - who is the mother of 3 of his children. She lives in another state. I would always ask him why he didn't get in touch with his kids, particularly the two younger ones, who were only 3 & 5 when he left. He always shut down, so I left it. Anyway, he finally did get in touch with her and I found a heap of inappropriate messages to her, telling her that he had found a job overseas which would earn him heaps of money, so he would be able to spend more time with her and the kids. His phone now had a lock on it and was with him everywhere he went. I went nuts at him and kicked him out. By this time, he seemed happy to go, so he left and went into transit housing provided by his employer.
I didn't hear from him for a few days, so I panicked and started begging him to come back, which he eventually did, but nothing changed. The drinking had been going on for all of this time as well, only getting worse in fact. We went on a holiday to Bali last year, where he was flirting with the Pool girls facebook friending them and asking them what time they finished work. We would get into a cab and when the driver asked him where we wanted to go, he would joke "take me to a brothel". I was mortified, horrified and just wanted to book a ticket home. I was no fun, I couldn't take a joke, I ruined everything, I take everything so seriously, I think too much, I am so negative.

I will say here that Rob is the man about town. he will give anyone, complete strangers the shirt off his back. To the whole world, he is a great bloke, so I felt like I had nobody to turn to other than counsellors, who had all repeatedly told me that he is a psychopath. I would doubt myself and my own reality. I would blame myself about what was really going on, rob would instil in me that I was being stupid, I am my own worst enemy.... never ending everything was/is always my fault.

When we got home, he booked a trip to go and finally see his children. I didn't hear from him for 5 days and learned that he had stayed with his Ex. I had previously spoken to her on the phone and what I learnt from her I couldn't believe. The things he put her through and she had his children, I feel I have no right to even cry about what he has done to me. I no longer felt jealous, because she re-assured me that she would never ever go back there with him, but I did feel like he was trying, which diminished me even further that he seemed to be doing anything and everything to destroy us.

When he came back, he brought back his 15 year old son without telling me. Of course I welcomed him with open arms, but I couldn't believe the lack of communication over such an important issue. The boy had been dealing drugs and was living a pretty dangerous life. Rob was going to be father of the year when in fact he has done absolutely nothing with the kid.

I would come home from work and Rob would be in the back shed, with a bunch of teenagers smoking pot. I couldn't believe this and eventually said that this can't go on in the house (I work in the prison service). So.... he left again. My fear of abandonment has always been there, and he has tapped into it so well, judging by the amount of times that he has left me. He moved into his own accommodation and said that this is what we needed. I was devastated and feared the beginning of the end. We were still having sex, but he started partying it up around town and telling people we were getting a divorce. I always had a fear that he would go back onto the adult sex dating. It never really left me, as I had never forgotten his past life. Sure enough, the timing was unbelievable I found him on a local 'swingers' site. '"Robocock69, loving life and love helping other people to love life - looking for fun times with females and /or couples, very large cock size, can accommodate".
OMG he was coming over that night to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. I phoned him and called it off sick. He said no problems. I didn't hear from him until I called him a few days later after trying to calm down. When I finally confronted him with it, he told me to f... off. He's sick of me, he wants a divorce, he wants to live his life, he doesn't love me, he's sick of me, I live in the past.
I have never ever felt so devastated in my entire life. In one fell swoop, this was my doing again. I literally begged him to try again.... I know you are all wondering why - I am wondering why.
Anyway, I went underground, he had clearly moved on and I tried to heal myself but I never gave up hope. One week before Christmas last year, he started contacting me, being very nice he asked me out to dinner. I was determined not to talk about the past and just look at the now. It was heaven, he said that he realised the mistakes he had made and missed our beautiful relationship. He wanted to marry me again.
So full bore ahead and we brought another boat (loan in my name). No sooner did we do that, I found him still on the dating sites, so the arguments began again. Fast forward six months, he has been pushing me away and reeling me in, pushing me away, reeling me in, rumours around town that he was seen kissing another woman at an event that I wasn't invited to.
Still reeling me in until last week, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, we were never compatible, it's over.
this week I have learned that he is in love with this woman and I am absolutely broken.
In between all of the crazy times, there have been the most wonderful beautiful memories which play through my mind like an old movie. I can't let go of this and want more than anything for it back....

I question my sanity, and wonder if it has been me all along. I have typed the above with no words of embellishment, factual leaving so many other events out, both bad, some worse and some so much better and beautiful. I still I doubt myself and this reality, was it my fault"?, what could I have done to stop this madness - What can I do to save myself. My biggest most horrifying fear is that he will show her the beautiful loving man that I love and that they will be so happy. He said to his sister he is "finally happy"I'm afraid that she will never experience the mind bending crazy making, soul destroying devastation that I have. I have been discarded like yesterdays rubbish, I'm left with a 40k boat that has been used twice and a bunch of memories. Eight years and now just nothing.

Jul 15 - 12AM
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You're Okay!

Jul 15 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
Taniam
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Tania's Story - Codependency

Orchid18

Jul 15 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
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Tania's story

Aug 27 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Taniam
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Co-dependency

Orchid18

Aug 29 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
Goldie
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Welcome and thanks for sharing

Aug 29 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
Taniam
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Tania's Story - Codependency

Orchid18

Aug 28 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
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codependency

Aug 28 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Taniam
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Tania's Story - Codependency

Orchid18

Aug 28 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
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codependency