Ashamed to say I'm back

its been a few years but here I am again- how did i doubt myself?

too ashamed to go into a detailed story but with this one:

we work together
"friends" for 4 years
he taught me to drive, related to me on religious topics
we were inseparable- even as friends
he stopped talking, touching, kissing, being intimate and wouldn't take me out-- I DID EVERYTHING
romantically together for the past 2years
I have a kid ( not his) that he recently told me was "annoying that we say i love u so many times" .... HUH?!
He proposed.. finally got me a ring the day before we were to get married and HOURS later bailed on me, wont give me any answers and was VERY CRUEL.

whats worse? because we work together i know he will make my life heck. BUT im in denial, im lonely. im so used to him being here-- i miss him and wish a was wrong about him being a Narc. This happened Tuesday night and im already -6 pounds.

Im ashamed to say I wish he wanted me back. what do i do ??? I have to see him at work whats wrong with me??