I´m getting HEALTHY :D

6 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jun 29 - 9PM
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

I´m getting HEALTHY :D

Hie everyone - I was making a comment on another site ...and suddenly I realised Im on my way to health!!! Im MAD now - angry on him - but it is feeling like a necessary feeling and far better than the fog. I suddenly realize that the CD is getting better. NO Contact and extremely hard reflecting and reading and writing and therapy is starting at least work.
Today it also hit me- the reason -I felt trapped like having much gaffatape on the mouth - chess mate in a way -like no one should know what he actually did in our relationshit
...it was not my fear of stigma- that others might not believe it and so on...
it actually was - because he used to tell me -what I felt!! You know what i try to say..-HE tried to tell me what I felt -and I protested of course since it was not right -but he only talked higher over it and so on....
When I calmly and sincere said I want to end the engagement - He looked away, and then looked at me with such rage suddenly and said : "that I behaved like a victim and liked to show it off like carrying a big fruitbascet around -showing it off , and that HE refused to be a trophy on my shelf of traumas in my life!!!"
It was so confusing that .... I actually now think he said exactly that - because he knew I do NOT walk around seeking sympathy, nor do I think about the past hurts as me -or talk about them -because I have also dealt and worked threw them long ago!
It was HE who asked me to tell, and when I did he was kind and understanding....( not surprising to remember he again questioned me about my childhood hurt the night before his alone hour with the couple counselor we went to, even that was manipulation!!)
Truth is, I am not bitter about anything I experienced! I have higer education, raised two emphatic children on my own, have a job I do well and like, own my flat and car, have good longterm friends, have a heart, love animals, peace and truth. Actually Im quite STRONG and KIND. I even was not insecure, jelaous, nagging, nervous or a detective as he said I was - before I met HIM my love....... I am actually friends with the other men I used to love, even the one abuser I experienced 25 years ago -Im friends with in our way...SO WHAT THE HELL - HOW did he twist that around to me walking around with the pain fruitbascet??
I actually feel like LAUGHING now - I SEE it !! HE was of course suddenly very scared I might tell anyone who he really is!! It could easyli damage or bomb his fasade and stage. I absolutely now believe thats the TRUTH why he raged and came with that- he know he abused me in every way that doesn't give bruises - and that I am strong, also that I do not want the victim stigma... so he -the quick thinker... could within 15 seconds come up with the fruitbascet stuff.... or maybe he all along saw that as a safety net - like why I was safe to get his badness or something... Same shit, it worked -but only for three months. I am taking the gaffatape OFF and will absolutely talk to anyone interested in how it was.... Im not calling him names -it will be enough to give examples of how he behaved and why I did end it. I might also tell the truth that two therapists asked me to leave him. And what the couple therapist near shouted : GET OUT !!!! Emotional, psychological,sexual and mental ABUSE!
I will plain out tell the flying monkeys if the wonder, I dont care anymore what anyone might think.
I won't get bitter - I do have gallows humour and I will mange just wonderful without him putting me down.
Yep. Next week my son and I will have along holiday... My hearthrythm is almost normal again, The anxiety is lifting, My stomach is better and nightmares better and soon I bet I sleep well threw the night again too. I KNOW I will get over this.
Here is what I wrote as a response on the other site -and finally reading my own words..I got so happy, because I saw Im HEALING!! :) BIG HUG to all of you!!!

"The most wonderful charming, intence, charismatic and seemingly no threatening man ....Was a liar, mindfucker, triangulatior, and master
crazy-making manipulator.
I didn't first believe the therapist I crawled to in the end saying to me it was abuse - emotional, psychological, verbal and sexual by the man I loved.
The "sweet" man so many adores.
My God! What a nightmare.
I do not like the word victim, but thats it. Supply.
Education about this is so important, look into it and actually it all comes down to greed and ego. Yes, even the "sweetness" is calculated - they need a harem, and it is never ever enough - they also do need to crush everyone that loves them.
In the end, their ugly intention will get showable on the outside, but it can take time and you can get very sick and depressed.
The subtile torture all along is actually on purpose! What a waste of life! A normal person can not wrap their head around it - and the narcissist therefore just continues supported by their flying monkeys and everyone believing they have something spesial with him/her.
Thinking he is just so fun.... he isn't. When he brags and tell stories and laughs that high laugher -it is only his grandiose self liking the attention. He is like a big spoiled child, without insight. And thats not sweet when you are his partner. And the worst -he doesn't want insight - because it is working fine for him, he actually do not care how his actions hurts the one he claims to love.
Let that sink in..... he can NOT and doesn't care about other people the way a normal person does. This is a real disorder, and it will not get any better!
His only concern is himself and his reputation, fasade. Hell, he even marry you if you just smile and let him live his life. It can suit his fasade to be married, and if you never question him or complains when he disrespect you, hurt you, or treat you like the object he in truth only sees you as.. he might marry you... Especially if you have money. He do want money and will try to get into the rich circles. He won't hesitate to groom and sleep with another mans wife if she has money or acts like a real flattering fan. He is intense, notice his stare and the ogling. Notice how fast you are "The ONE" and love bombing is one side of the game. Last week another woman was the one. He can text you while sleeping with another! KNOW that every time he stonewall or give you the silen treatment -and you are worried or hurt and feel you must have said something wrong..HE is with other women - he is absolutely NOT home as you feeling hurt, rethinking.
As his partner you must not complain of anything. You are just there to kiss his mighty asshole in every thinkable way. Do never for one minute believe his words - When his lips move -he IS lying. It can take years to understand or even see this mindfuckers game. And when you do, you are so destroyed and sad - crushed you have c-ptsd and even hearth problems or worse ...or you or must become a masochist to stay with him. If not you actually might have Stockholm syndrom. But you are the lucky one, because you can leave the hell, and make a new real life because you do have a heart. He will forever sit on that speed never ending rollercoaster -and every woman along will throw herself off or get thrown off!! Do not fool yourself - the next or previous woman is/was not better than you for him in any way. He doesn't like or love anyone. It is only different supply. Do not fool yourself - the sex was not great -it was a game, you felt that way because of abuse and tricks -like finally he gives something! But KNOW this ladies or gentlemen - a narsissist dont even like sex with anyone. They are so greedy that many can't even climax with you... because that would be like giving something out of themselves.. they much rather mastubate alone with the computer porn. The ones that seems to make effort in bed, by continuing for ages or pleacing you - take pride in doing that. It is NOT because they like or love you at all.
Even you was a victim, you are also a survivor and will heal and get stronger than ever - when you finally do get mad you can start speak up and help others.. do that.
Do never show a narcissist ANY emotion, never share yourself with them, it WILL for sure be used against you in ways you can't imagine as a normal person!
Get out and have forever forward no contact.
One day you totally get over this shallow and cruel vampire and realize you lost nothing - he was and is a living illusion.
He lost something real. You."

Jul 3 - 6AM
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

"that I behaved like a victim

Jul 3 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

Yes, Lookforward he is.

Jul 3 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

Are you doing any therapy,

Jul 3 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

Yes, absolutely, for years..

Jul 4 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

Yes, I am, Strong - it