This is my CRAZY STORY Please help!!

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#1 Feb 27 - 12AM
adifferentplanet
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This is my CRAZY STORY Please help!!

Please bear with me I know it is exceptionally long.
So I met my Narc at work in 2005 when he started in the same office. We barely spoke to one another, in fact we didn’t, and he was just a pleasant work colleague I would say the occasional good morning to when I walked through, as we were sitting at other ends of the office. We had a restructure and I was moved right beside him. He looked quite boyish I was in my thirties at the time and he was about twenty six. Anyway we started talking a lot and got on quite well, though I never thought about him romantically. I was a single mother bringing up my daughter and very much into church etc. This is what we had in common religion, I found him to be very kind, caring and really very funny which was quite surprising because he was such a quiet character and seemed very shy outwardly, however not with me. As time went on he was giving subtle signals that he was attracted to me at first I thought it was in my head. We had spoken about loads of things in the time we sat next to one another, he told me about his ex-girlfriend and that they could not get married because they were from a different culture and her family would not approve and how hard he tried to convince her that they could make it work and that in the end she just would avoid him to lessen the pain. At the time I was thinking how sad, how ANYONE could not want to marry this guy, he is soooooo sweet. After a while I found myself being attracted to him and at which point we started to go out of the office for coffee and then became quite clear something was happening when we would attend work events out of the office.
I thought I’d just ask him straight up what he thought was going on here, to which he expressed his interest and said he would like to take me out. Going backwards a bit, by this time I had told him my full life story about my daughter’s father a bit about my upbringing with a single strong caring mother, relationships, which he prompted etc. He told me a bit about his privileged up bringing mother, father, being an only child etc. Anyway things moved on pretty quick after that, he was a very caring, loving God fearing, kind, considerate gentleman, treated me like a princess, told me how beautiful I was. He made me feel great and he basically loved the ground I walked on. For weeks we would see each other all the time we would kiss but nothing more as we both were not going to have sex before marriage.” YES” Red Flag moment he instigating marriage already and of course I was delighted. Another Red Flag moment – no talk of meeting my daughter, me bringing it up, him kind of ignoring it and me getting lost in the moment. Anyway he started to make comments about my male work colleagues that I should really stop talking to them as if they were my friends because they just want to get into my pants and that too many guys look at me. I could not go anywhere without him, which I found kind of weird at first then just thought he just wanted to be with me so much and started find it kind of sweet, until it started to be literally ANYWHERE. Moving on he eventually met my daughter which was quite awkward, she was 11 at the time, we went for Pizza, he was polite and funny and tried really hard but it was a strange feeling. Same thing with my Sister and my mum which they soon told me and of course I would not hear of it. Going back I forgot to say his parents would not meet me as they did not think I was good enough for their son, being older than him and having a daughter.
3 Months had past and there were so many red flags. He would talk about my past, really putting it down and me along with it. I found it all very shocking and put it down to him being stressed as his parents did not agree with us being together, him being an only child, loving them so much as he would literally call them all the time and every move he made, also they were very reliant on Him. They were so close, almost too close. 6 months later we were married; my mother did not agree but came to the wedding and stood by me. His parents did not come and made it quite clear that they wouldn’t from the start. My daughter stayed with my mum and we went on our honeymoon for a week, however looking back I was not happy at all by the time I had married him, I think it was just pressure, shame, fear and guilt of him leaving his parents. I remember after our first night being intimate feeling OMG how is he going to look at me in the morning, is he going to think I am disgusting, because previously he had said some really shocking things to me. However all was well, he was attentive, Kind, loving for that week. However when we returned home, which was my place, it was awful, calling me a whore because of my past relationship, slut, disgusting, C—t, bastard how he felt sick sleeping with me as I had done this all before and that I had actually had a baby as a result, that I may as well of been raped, that he did not even get a virgin, why was I not a virgin(another thing he was obsessed with) that I’m ugly and need make up to look good, that I am old (bearing in mind that he made out before we married that the 7 yr age gap was not an issue as he knew this was a big concern of mine) That he will be sleeping with a grandmother soon as my daughter will grow up fast and have her children. He would sleep with me and then turn over with this discussed in his face and say that I have done this before. He would interrogate me about previous partner for the whole night what I did sexually how many times, when where, it was crazy, I could not believe what was happening to me or why I thought he was insane. He would be mentally abusive, verbally, calling me a dog, slave, making racial comments, calling me the “N” word, as I am black and he is not of course. He then started hitting me if I said anything in disagreement with him, I could not have an opinion otherwise I would get slapped around spat at physically abused. All of the above my daughter would eventually witness at one stage or another until I started calling the police and throwing him out then he stopped the physical probably about 3 years into the marriage. He isolated me from my family by telling me that I have so much to do looking after him now. I could not be on the phone as he would give a look to get off or would follow me around to listen to whom and what I was talking about, I had to get rid of all my friends as they were a bad influence apparently. And he had NO FRIEND, at least I never saw any the whole time we were married, just the occasional work colleague or old friend from the past I never ever met. He would never go out, so I couldn’t either. My car basically became his once I married him; he moved into my home and made it quite clear that he was the man of the house now. The first month of being married I missed my period and found out I was pregnant as he did not want to use contraception as that was for whores and people who were not in a committed relationship and just wanted to sleep around. Once he found out I was pregnant he went from being just fine with it to going into some depressed mode about just getting married and not being able to have loads of sex because I am now pregnant. And that he is a young man and already has to put up with my “baggage” (daughter) from a previous relationship and not having any privacy, to now expecting a baby too. Which of course he later begged and apologised for saying.
I have to mention at this point that each time he would be nasty and I’d cry, he would beg forgiveness, tell me that he loved me so much. Or he wished I would not answer back the way I did or why can I not say things nicely. That he doesn’t know what got into him, he just can’t bare the fact that someone else has touched me and why did I not save myself for my husband. By the way he had slept with girls and had told me some sordid things he had done with them, but said it was rare and he was keeping his love for his wife, that he has never been this way with anyone just me, no one is going to love me like him, his sorry etc. I put everything down to stress, him trying to get his parents to meet me, me being pregnant so soon etc. I then met his parents 8 month pregnant, which is another story in itself then had our son the following month, who they absolutely adored and so did he . Although it still wasn’t enough that I had given him a beautiful son, I had to always convince him that he was the love of my life. And he had to make it clear to my daughter that his son was more special than she was. I had to then keep reassuring her that this was not true and that he is insecure, but off course not in front of him.
He totally adored himself, would be in the shower for ages pampering himself with all sorts of products, would not come away from the mirror, obsessed with the gym and anything talked about always ended up with something about him and how wonderful he is and better than everyone at it he was, he would constantly mention how many woman liked him, mention woman on the TV but in the way to make out he was judging them for the slutty clothes they wore, he would also do this when he saw women on the street and would also notice the gay guys too and mention how they always noticed him which he seemed to act disgusted about . He had issue about the size of his penis and had to keep enforcing how big it was and how it had been commented on and that he had been told how good he was in bed even though he claims to not of had much practice. He was totally jealous of my daughter and the love I had for her he could not understand, he would be mean to her, then apologise later on in the marriage particularly when I would stand up to him. My daughter and I were never allowed to mention her father or his name in the house and any dealings with him my daughter had to arrange herself, he would try and convince me that I did not really love her as much as I said I did and try and get me to say that my son was more loved and more special because our Son was from him, from love and marriage and that my daughter was a mistake that I regretted, that he knows I wish I had met him first . My daughter would tell me that she hates him then loves the other side of him, same as me really, we both wish he could change, he really damaged our relationship and she ended up hating me for a long while. He would pull us apart and he seemed to thrive when we would argue or I would tell her off, which we both recognised later . He made everything my fault, or he would definitely somehow twist it and make me believe it was my fault so in the end I would end up apologising to him, It drove me insane. I would find girls numbers in his phone, he would get anonymous calls early hours telling me they’re the wrong number, I would find emails to women, hear him on some kind of chat line and find out that he had been on porn site. All the while he would have these unbelievable reasons/excuses for what I was finding, he would say I love you so much I would never do that to you, it was just a pop up, someone is trying to wreck our marriage and he is trying to find out who they are etc.. He would go on his knees and beg me to not leave him that he would never do such a thing to me, that he would die without me or kill himself. He would preach about God all the time to myself and my daughter and about the importance of family and marriage and that I would not know what that was as I have never had a father. He would beg my daughter for forgiveness; by her gifts etc. tell her that he is an arsehole that it was nothing to do with her, it was him.
In 2012, 5 years in I had had enough and chucked him out. Not for weeks this time but for 5 month. At this point I was sure I did not want him back, my daughter was seventeen at the time and we had endured a lot, so were pretty messed up, I had gone from a confident, strong, beautiful woman which my daughter saw as her role model to a nothing with low self-esteem, could barely look at myself in the mirror, an absolute confused mess, with a teenager who hated me (and rightfully so). I was not there for her in her vital years, I war far too busy trying to appease him and manage my son, and trying my best to give some time to my daughter but only managing snippets, due to his demands.
In those 5 months I tried desperately to mend the relationship with my daughter to no success and in the mean while HE was begging and pleading how much he loves and misses us, can’t live without me etc. and I ignored it all. However his son was missing him so badly and I could see how it was affecting him as he was small and adores his father and his father him. And on top of everything his nasty mother came and begged me to take her son back and all his brainwashing about being a single parent, not being able to live without his son and asking me to ask God if this is what he would want etc. So of course he knew how badly I wanted a family unit and he agreed to all of my terms and conditions, major ones being, treating my daughter well and with respect ,seeing a marriage counsellor, and not treating me as his mother , having to solely look after him as I believed he had massive issues from past experience, his parents and brought all of this into our marriage. Oh forgot to say during the 5 months I was so messed up and confused I searched the internet to find out what on earth this behaviour was and came across this website, I registered but never posted. And by the time I found the website I was in contact with him because of my son. Anyway he wormed his way back in and I knew immediately I had made a mistake because everything was gone inside of me, respect for him, love, everything, just my son and the dream left. By this time my daughter was leaving to go to university for four years and in a way I was so glad she had a way out and was one of the reasons I encouraged a Uni where she would have to live out. When he returned in 2012 he would bring home flowers, say nice things, do nice things but deep down something was festering and I could see it. Eventually it came out, how I had hurt him when we went to counselling by exposing our business, that I went there to get him back, that I said things about my daughter’s dad just to hurt him and that I did not really mean them and in time I will take them back. The whole interrogation started again after probably six months, verbal, psychological and emotional abuse big time. Being Intimate with him never changed I always held back or could never be myself in case he thought I was a slut. And because I held back he would say that I was non responsive, and that he needs me to be more active and involved, that he has been with women and they’re not like me. So I felt I could not win, I started resenting him more and more as now he would tell me what I wasn’t doing for him and what other women could. 2 more years down the line things got really bad, nothing in common, he was quite dismissive of me but still bringing home chocolates trying to cuddle me telling me how cold I was. Even when I tried nothing was good enough. Anyway he started mentioning this girl at work he was managing, things really went downhill from there. He would come home and tell me how I needed to talk sexy to him and that loads of women like him. Got really madly obsessed about his clothes and how he looked, he was like this anyway but to a crazier level, I mean I would be speaking to him and he would be answering me back whilst looking himself up and down in the mirror. He started saying he was not happy and how the girl at work likes him and that he cannot believe it because she is married and how could she do that to her husband. Anyway a few weeks later after me having a serious think about things and having a big heart to heart with him about our marriage and being willing to let things go and give our marriage a real chance, he asks me whether I would forgive him if he made one mistake, he then goes on to confesses that he has slept with the same married woman he spoke about, but only once and that it was a mistake, he was not getting any attention at home sexually, emotionally etc. and could I please forgive him, that it was all her, that she enticed him, she would not stop that he loves me bla bla bla. So now of course I am in shock after all his preaching and God this and God that and at the same time I blamed myself which I know is nuts, for not showing him enough love for not caring enough, even though I know I gave him everything in me and I could not show and do anymore for him. Days later I called the girl met up with her without him knowing, I told her husband and her family etc I went crazy in those couple of weeks. She begs my forgiveness, says it was a mistake and admits that it was all her, I then forgave him which is something I said I will never accept cheating.
In the next couple weeks he went from being remorseful and begging me to being very dismissive of what he had done to me and my feelings. We argued loads because of this and everything else. I tell him to leave and then he starts the whole begging thing, crying, I love you and my son etc. In the midst of all this my daughter and I have managed to mend bridges within the 2 years and she knows nothing of what’s going on as she left that behind and that’s where I wanted it to stay for her. When she came home each break I tried to make everything fine for her. Anyway after his begging he then gets cocky and asks how long I am going to carry this out for, bearing in mind he has cheated on me and it has only been about 4 weeks. He then tell me that I put him off when I mention something about a man on the TV, that it makes him go off me, so insane after he has cheated on me. Anyway after a few more weeks of him getting more confident and completely unattached, going out on the weekend and staying out claiming all of a sudden he has made friends with his training buddies, he then tells me that he thinks we should separate. It is 2014 almost Xmas and I hear this and become a pathetic state, begging him not to. He then tells me that he had more feelings for that girl than he made out and that they talked a lot, he goes on to tell me how many other girls like him in the office and that he has no intention of doing anything with them, that he just wants to be honest with me. By the way I was sick with a virus at the time and at this point I am hugging him, he tells me not to worry and that everything is going to be alright and then he goes training, I’m sure he is seeing the girl again at this point. On his return 2hrs later i tell him that I agree with him and that we should separate, in fact I am adamant but calm as I plan to leave him but say nothing as I know he would not go. He tells me to forget about what he said earlier but I say no so we discuss it. He then tells me that why do I want to break up all of a sudden and turns it back around on me, I tell him it is just separation like he said. He agrees and said that it is just a separation to give us both some space as he can see that I cannot stand his face at the moment. That there is no way he divorcing me as he loves me and his son etc. and the only way he would leave is on the understanding that it is space for a few month and he will return and things will be better – I then agree, he tells me that it was lovely seeing me begging and crying for him to stay because I never do that, I always tell him to go and that this behaviour showed him that I loved him as he has been feeling unloved and not cared about. I ask him when does he intend to leave, as inside I cannot stand him and cannot wait. He tells me he does not know but probably sometime in the New Year but has not made any plans, and has nowhere to stay right now and that this whole thing is just an Idea right now. It is December 2014 and we plan to spend Xmas with his parents as he always makes it so hard for me to spend time with my family. I find out pretty soon after our big separation talk that he has started seeing the girl at work again, but I don’t give a shit because I’m leaving him in 8 days and he has NO idea. I find hotel receipts, sex toys etc. I carry on as if everything is normal, he sits with me every night on the other side of the sofa, on the laptop and messaging on his phone all night, no doubt it was her, of course he tells me it’s his training buddies, so he has gone to not looking at his phone to being on his phone every second of the day, he even starts to get irritable with his son that he so dearly loves. He cannot bear to be in the house anymore and he ignores me each night and I go to bed. He comes to bed really late in those last 8 days and that suits me just fine as I can’t stand his touch or to be next to him and pretend anymore.
The day arrives and he takes our son up to his parents’ house a day before me as it was agreed that I will stay one day with my family and he will collect me from the train station the next day to join him for 4 days of boringess at his parents (or so he thought). I get up to go to work that morning and ask him to call me when his leaving to go to his parents, but of course I don’t go to work I go to my friend’s house who knows everything and wait for the call that he is leaving. I recieve his call, go home, pack EVERYTHING HE OWNS, change the locks and the next day my friend drives me to his parent’s house with all of his things. I tell him to come downstairs that I have arrived early and to bring our son down and that I have a surprise. At this point our son come running out and I greet him with a big cuddle and tell him to go sit in the car with my friend and her son who is his best friend. He still does not know what is going on and thinks the surprise is me turning up early which he does not give a shit about by his facial expression. I then I tell him that I will not be joining him for Xmas and that I am leaving him , that I find him repulsive, I know what he has been doing and that everything he owns is around the corner, the locks have been changed and don’t ever come back to my house. His parents are looking out of the window at this point and he is ALL ABOUT APPEARENCES AND SO IS HIS PARENT. I have now shocked him beyond belief and his facial expression is now priceless!! He starts panicking and saying that he was going to speak to me after Xmas etc., however I give him no time to talk and throw his sex toys at him which land across the drive way and say you forgot these, he quickly runs to pick them up and says that he can explain. I walk off, he calls out, I ignore him get in the car and drive off.
I then get constant calls from him and his parents that I completely ignore. This all happened at midday Xmas eve and he does not stop trying to call me and messaging me till 4am Xmas day. Saying he was finishing with her and that he has never slept with her again, that the sex toys was a prank from someone, that he loves me so much, that we are his life. He feels like killing himself that he felt sorry for the girl and that she made him feel guilty for ruining her life, that he had a plan, but she enticed him again bla bla bla. He then told me that he does have issues and a big part of the reason is that he had been abused when he was younger by his sport teacher for 4 years. He went into great detail and suddenly a lot of the weird things he would do in our marriage made sense, a few things like not able to give anybody I contact, always having to put on a different persona for different people and in different situations, having NO social skills except one on one and even then he had to know you very well, a complete introvert with no friends. He went on to say he has never told anybody and especially not his parents as they could never handle anything like that. The things he revealed were horrendous; it made me feel dreadful and deeply sorry for him. I always felt in our marriage that he was about to tell me something but would always change it at the last minute. I never really felt that what he ended up telling me was what he actually wanted to tell me, so I do believe this was it.
Anyway I have left him, it has been 2 months and 3 days. He has tried everything; he has even gone to my family to tell them everything even his abuse he told my mother about. I have been quite clear that I do not want him back. He has just moved to a place around the corner from where I live and has been very amicable with the arrangements to see his son.
He has calm down a lot as I have made it quite clear I do not want him back. However he still sends odd messages, how’s his son today, have a nice day, some Godly ones trying to explain to me that he went astray etc.
My question is, does this sound like a Narc and if so is he a compensatory narc. Am I going mad and just looking for a label.
How do I go NO CONTACT with a child?
Please could someone reply, his willingness to do everything I say, even though I have dumped him is confusing me as to whether he is a Narc. Should he not be throwing abuse at me by now?
Would he change for this other woman? Did I bring this out in him?
I have my good days and my bad days but generally I am just so appreciative that he is gone.
Thank you so much for reading.

May 1 - 4PM
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

Hi adifferentplanet, Im so

Feb 27 - 3AM
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

Hi Adifferentplanet,You'll

Feb 27 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

'He then told me that he does

Mar 4 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
adifferentplanet
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Thanks for responding