I broke NC

As I was closing in on the 2 month milestone of NC, I thought I was strong enough to ublock him. I thought I didn't care anymore. So I did - that was about 3 weeks ago.

So I unblocked him from fb, kept him blocked on skype, email and linkedin. About half an hourlater I had already regreted it. I realized I didn't ublock him because I was strong. I unblocked him because I was secretely hoping he would contact me. Of course he didn't and after 48 hours I blocked him again, from a mobile device I don't normally use.

Yesterday a friend of mine had his birthday so I started typing his name on fb to send him a message and the N's profile showed up (they have the first same name). Obviously something had gone wrong with blocking him and I had to do it all over again. I clicked on his profile and saw that he had updated his cover photo. It was a photo taken from inside his car, a sunrise, captioned "40-minute commute to work doesn't seem so bad with skies like these :) ". The usual friends and family who always liked his posts had liked that one as well. Some were asking questions about how he liked it back home (he returned in early February). As per usual, he did not like their comments. He responded 3 days later, saying he loved it and everything was wonderful (full with exclamation marks). The moment I saw the photos and the comments, I felt sick to my stomach and almost threw up. I blocked him again and had a mini breakdown.

I also started therapy last week. I think I lucked out on my therapist. We've only had one session so far but I am hopeful she will help me sort things out.