No Contact - The Ultimate Revenge by Nemesis

Due to a busy work and teaching schedule, I have not been able to write blogs on hot topics being discussed in our forum lately. I apologize and hope to have more time to do this soon, but in the meantime, I'd like to share this amazing post written by Nemesis on the topic of revenge.

I particularly like this because I often see the topic of revenge come up here. I do not advocate revenge in any way, shape or form as I believe the best form of revenge is to live a happy life and two wrongs never make a right.

Additionally, while there are some Narcissists who border on the edge of Psychopathy, there are plenty of Narcissists who simply can't help themselves and do not hurt us with intent.

Nonetheless, this topic of revenge comes up all the time and is frequently asked. Here are some great points by Nemesis on how "No Contact" is the best form of revenge:

"No Contact - The Ultimate Revenge"

In following “Surviving The Narcissist - The Path Forward” I decided that the best way of following “Step 2 – Get It Out” was to write down my thoughts and share them. There are two very important subjects that come up frequently on the forum: “No Contact” and “Revenge”. No contact is primarily something that we do to protect ourselves from any further abuse and, as Lisa says, to “restore our sanity and regain control of our lives”. It is an essential step but also a very difficult step which many of us struggle with.

I think one of the reasons why “no contact” is such a challenge for us is that it seems to directly conflict with our desire for revenge on the one who has hurt us. Our motivation to see that justice is served causes us to feel an intense urge to “take action”, but this results in inner turmoil when trying to achieve “no contact” at the same time. Our thoughts and emotions are going haywire. Having given the matter a lot of thought I decided that, for me, the best solution is to combine these two forces together. No contact will also be my revenge.

In order to fully appreciate this strategy it’s a good idea to go back to basics and remind ourselves how the narcissist functions.

The narcissist spends his life running away from the painful truth about himself. His whole life is a confabulation. Deep down inside himself the narcissist IS tormented. He represses his misery within his sub-conscious in order to survive (by avoiding painful thoughts that would lead him to depression & self-destruction). This is the reason why he must live in a fantasy world and why it is vital to him to force others to entertain this self-created fabrication that he thinks of as his life. It is also the reason that he depends on others.

Narcissistic supply is the drug that takes away his pain. It is because the narcissist needs other people to consistently maintain their fantasy view of themselves that they are constantly trying to mould the behavior of others to serve that purpose. They will use all forms of manipulation, positive (e.g. flattery) and/or negative (e.g. intimidation), to get what they need out of us at any given moment. In fact, it is a good idea to perceive every interaction that a narcissist initiates as manipulation in some form or another.

When you first begin to put "no contact" into force, the narcissist will often try to manipulate you to get you to contact him. Remember, if you do so it will make him feel powerful. Much better to ignore him and your indifference will make him feel weak!!!

This explains why so many of them attempt to re-establish contact once they realise that are being ignored. By sticking to “No Contact” you are refusing to be manipulated by him, denying his power over you and are therefore destroying his fantasy and forcing him to see himself as he really is.

It also helps us understand the reason behind some of their erratic behavior when they seem almost desperate to get us “back on board”. The reason for this is simple. Your indifference is making him panic because he has tried using the techniques that usually work for him but they are not working this time and this will be making him feel very insecure indeed.

If you persist with "no contact" he is likely to respond to this by using all of the weapons in his arsenal in an attempt to force you to yield. He may use intimidation. He may try to provoke you with nasty remarks that he thinks you will not be able to resist responding to. He may try flattery, telling you how no one else compares to you or perhaps he will even apologise (both completely insincere of course).

Beware, his last resort – PITY. This manipulation technique often gets us even when we are feeling at our strongest. I know how hard it is to ignore someone who appears to be crying out for help. To a normal person with compassion (like us) it feels so unnatural and cruel to ignore someone who appears to be in pain, especially if it is indicated that their pain is as a result of our behaviour. It goes against everything that we have been taught about being a good person.

REMEMBER: The narcissist is fully aware of this and that is why "pity" is such a powerful weapon for him to use against us as it so often delivers the result he wants. But ladies you must stand firm, because once he realises that he cannot manipulate you anymore he is likely to give up and leave you alone. Narcissists avoid people who force them to see the truth. This is the antithesis of narcissistic supply and is to be greatly feared.

Whenever we feel like we might be about to break our rule of no contact rule we must remind ourselves of the following. Narcissists spend their time running away from the truth about themselves, which is that they are worthless, horrible people. They try to push our buttons in order to force us to behave in ways that make them feel special, admired, adored or feared but ultimately, powerful. (In other words, they manipulate others in order to obtain narcisstic supply).

If you contact him then you will be letting him "push your buttons". Do not respond to him and you will be pushing HIS buttons by making him see that actually, the opposite is true. That he is, in fact, irrelevant, inferior, dispensable, needy and ultimately, feeble.

Narcissists treat life like a competition where their aim is to "beat" others. But by ignoring him you will have beaten him!!!

No contact truly is the best revenge.

Remember, your silence speaks volumes!

May 4 - 11PM
KforKelly
KforKelly's picture

A Question about indirect Narcissistic Supply

Dec 6 - 9AM
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

This is such an outstanding

Nov 14 - 6PM
NoMoreFreakBoy
NoMoreFreakBoy's picture

Good Timing

Nov 15 - 1AM (Reply to #60)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

NMFB and Torri

Nov 13 - 8AM
Tori
Tori's picture

Good reason to go NC

Nov 13 - 9AM (Reply to #57)
NoMoreFreakBoy
NoMoreFreakBoy's picture

Thanks and hugs

Nov 13 - 10AM (Reply to #58)
Tori
Tori's picture

Narc shows us reason to Go NC

Jul 21 - 9AM
Reina
Reina's picture

Thank you

Jan 3 - 5PM
HardToBelieve
HardToBelieve's picture

TIMELY!

This post came just timely and it helped me a great deal! You guys should be speakers across the world! Although I wouldn't want the narcs to hear all this info. Wow. Very informative and these are the phases Im going through right now! I actually know what he is really thinking and what Im up against! BRING IT ON!!!
Dec 19 - 4PM
marigold
marigold's picture

Also by getting on with your

Also by getting on with your life and being happy without him!
Dec 3 - 12PM
KittyRising
KittyRising's picture

No Contact = Healing

Reading all these comments I know I made the right decision forcing my N through the courts not to contact me. And, he still broke it. And, when I had the silence? This is when I finally got mad. I am screaming mad inside! I *know* he will just go off to another woman now (revolving door) and not get help. I actually broke down and responded to his novella email to me restating his abuse towards me and commenting again that his lies to not justify his absolute OVER REACTION towards anything I did to him which included physical violence and destruction of my property. I recommended Lundy Bancroft's book to him "Why Does He Do That?". I realized I am still trying to save him! He does not want saving. It's going to repeat Dear Readers. I will not contact him again but I can see him in my mind right now charming his next victim. I too want to warn her! Let it go. Let it go. I know someday I will look back on all of this and wonder why I was so controlled by this man. It's NOT like breaking up with anyone else. It's DIFFERENT. N's leave a wake of destruction in their path. My friends say "get over it" and I quit talking to them about it. No one gets it. Glad I found this Forum. Picking up the pieces of my life and working to get him OUT OF MY HEAD daily. Cheers! PS: Just ordered Lisa's book today on Amazon.com. Looking forward to the read...
Dec 3 - 2PM (Reply to #51)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Yep

I totally understand. We probably all do. I'm. 44 and I've never been married, so I've had lots of opportunities to be heartbroken. And I have been, many times. This is completely different and most friends don't understand. It's super terrible. Like an addiction. The betrayal and unnecessary cruelty were what got me. She was my fear of abandonment personified. Over-the-top adoration, then a cruel discard that felt like a kick in the stomach. Then casual invitations that I know are merely invitations to be abused, yet they're so hard to refuse (but I have refused them all) because I long for the idealization phase. So painful. Still. Hang in there. Check out the book "narcissistic lovers ..." as well. V
Dec 3 - 2PM (Reply to #52)
KittyRising
KittyRising's picture

Thanks...

Reading is what is saving me at the moment. I saw that book on Amazon and will order it. It is an addiction! When we have been bonded traumatically and attempt to break the trauma bond we feel like we are floating in outer space. The idiot emailed me that he is going to "sue me" for $3,450.00 which was the amount he paid to defend himself (didn't need to could have let me go) in court. He had to fly his friend up here who saw him hit me in the face then was prepared to testify against me. I hate him with a blue hate and I hate myself for hating him. If he does take me to Civil Court I am prepared to take him to Criminal Court. Geese. How did I wind up with such a loser? No contact = healing right! Someday I will look back (like quitting cigarettes) and wonder about it all. Thanks for your book recommendation. Cheers!
Oct 21 - 11AM
ericamichelle
ericamichelle's picture

i don't understand??

if what an N is seeking is validation and wanting to be loved, why do they show it soooo easily and intensely in the beginning....and then when they get you to love them, and you are showing that you love them, completely and unconditionally, do they take it away? if their ultimate goal is to be loved, then why do they push it away once they've got it? i keep thinking when he's pushing me away, if i just hang in there and show him how much i love him, he will eventually turn it around, realize that i love him for who he is, and he will be that guy again. what am i missing?
Oct 21 - 11AM (Reply to #45)
Used
Used's picture

ericamichelle

they want you TO LOVE THEM, but that doesnt mean they want to be with you...i know it sounds bizarre, but he got you too love him, now he has to go get someone else TO LOVE HIM, he will leave them as well, thinking of someone having a great big barn and stockpiling tins and tins of food, they dont eat it ,they just keep adding to it, as long as they know it is there and one day if they feel like opening a tin[you], he knows when he has finished it...he will replace it with another tin...as long as a narc can be sure someone loves him,thats why in the beginning all the lovebombing, once you love him,he has another tin to add to his stockpile...he doesnt have to keep visiting his stockpile b/c he is sure it will always be there...
Nov 17 - 4AM (Reply to #49)
Marlinmom
Marlinmom's picture

Even literally stockpile

I thin the stockpile of stuff you don't need is really an element of this disorder. My N literally stockpiled food and supplies. He would claim it was to save money, that he'd buy in volume when he saw something on sale, but I think he was showing his approach to life -- if something feels or is good, or brings them any pleasure, or they think it might bring pleasure, they can't resist it. "I might want this, and then I can't stand the thought of running out." so, stockpile other sources of attention and supply and then if something goes wrong on the one you're supposed to be working on, like you're marriage, visit that barn and grab attention from someone else you've been stockpiling for that emotional rainy day. TWISTED.
Nov 10 - 9AM (Reply to #48)
Totally Stunned
Totally Stunned's picture

WOW!!!

Used - that was one of the best descriptions I have read yet. Well done and very timely. My narc - who I was always sad that he never "hoovered" just did last week. Still cant believe I fell for the hoovering too. Thanks for this enlightening explanation! God Bless!
Oct 22 - 10AM (Reply to #47)
repressed memory
repressed memory's picture

Great analogy

I couldn't agree more! I think their COLLECTING HEARTS like a stamp or coin collector. Mine said "all women are the same." I don't know if he truly believed that or only wished it? All interchangeable. When I told my husband that, he thought N was nuts!! He wanted ALL the women to LOVE HIM at the office, and those were just the ones I knew about. They definitely want a stock pile. HOW INSANE IS THAT??? How can someone be so broken that they need all the women to love them?? It makes me sad to think about it!! I often wonder how many of them end up being HOARDERS?
Oct 21 - 3PM (Reply to #46)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thanks ericamichelle

That's a very helpful analogy. Thank you. I find myself anxious to see the next one discarded. And I have nothing against the next one, but I think I just want to know that I'm right. However, I understand she may find one to fuck with and manipulate for years to come. I just have to remember... she wasn't nice to me. She doesn't deserve me. It's been so tough to walk away, but you only get one chance to abuse me like that. And in the end... love bombing or not, she chose somebody else. Actually, she would have been happy if I stayed, but her actions and cruelty toward me told me that she didn't choose me. At least not in a way I want to be chosen. Still, so hard to lose the person I thought she was.
Oct 21 - 6AM
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Stealth ...

Well, we get to watch them quickly move on. The toughest thing for me is having to watch it happen at work. Work used to be a safe haven from personal torment. Now it's a test of strength every day. And every day still ends with tears. The tough thing is not having a normal sense of "closure.". I'm still trying to find one. And I have no delusions that my semi-no contact (I have to work with her) is a punishment at all. She's too busy falling in love (with whatever it is she "loves") to notice. There have been two new loves since her manipulation turned suddenly from love bombing to punishing. That's in 5 months. I'm gonna guess there will be more. And I'll get to watch. Hang in there and try to find your footing in acceptance. I never honestly have gotten much of a sense of solace regarding any sort of "revenge" after a breakup anyway. If her whole life flies apart, it won't really help me any, other than to confirm that I've dealt with an unbalanced human, but I already know that.
Oct 20 - 3PM
ssm
ssm's picture

what about??..

the stealth narcs (like the one I was with) who do not initiate any contact, that do not care we are NC, how can we feel that our NC is revenge, if it doesnt phase them? :(
Dec 16 - 4AM (Reply to #41)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Exactly

My n would never know I went NC, he's over me & my crying. I did not get any closure from nc. I'm certain that I will never hear from him again any more than he would chase down the garbage truck to retrieve a piece of refuse. I'm sure I'm forgotten, not even a blip on his radar. That douche convinced me to get matching tattoos w him. Now I dont know whether to remove it or wear it as a badge of sorts - the time in my life when I had a renaissance - losing a loved one+ being found and preyed upon by an N & finally seeking help as a result for the damage inflicted by my N mother.
Dec 16 - 8AM (Reply to #42)
crimson96
crimson96's picture

I know your pain as I lived

I know your pain as I lived thru the same thing, even down to the tatoo. Please keep going to therapy and visiting this website. Lisa's website gave me a place where other people understood exactly what we go thru because most people don't have a clue unless they have been there. Time does heal and the longer you are away from your x N, you will begin to see how lonely you were in the relationship because a life with them will always be lonely and unfullfilling. I am finally to the point where I feel sorry for his next victim. Their behavior will NEVER change!!
Oct 21 - 6AM (Reply to #40)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Stealth ...

Well, we get to watch them quickly move on. The toughest thing for me is having to watch it happen at work. Work used to be a safe haven from personal torment. Now it's a test of strength every day. And every day still ends with tears. The tough thing is not having a normal sense of "closure.". I'm still trying to find one. And I have no delusions that my semi-no contact (I have to work with her) is a punishment at all. She's too busy falling in love (with whatever it is she "loves") to notice. There have been two new loves since her manipulation turned suddenly from love bombing to punishing. That's in 5 months. I'm gonna guess there will be more. And I'll get to watch. Hang in there and try to find your footing in acceptance. I never honestly have gotten much of a sense of solace regarding any sort of "revenge" after a breakup anyway. If her whole life flies apart, it won't really help me any, other than to confirm that I've dealt with an unbalanced human, but I already know that.
Oct 5 - 9AM
agent995
agent995's picture

I was doing well then Fell off the wagon and emailed him..

Ugh I am mad at myself for this. i was doing well. then last nite after a martini and glass of wine, i was on the computer and emailed for him to give me a ring.. WHY DID I give up my power? now i need to start again. I will write my story today but basically he took me for a ride for 9 years and now is marrying his blonde coworker. i thought mayeb he would actually be honest and tell me what happned between us and how he just happned to get engaged when he never metnioned this woman.. i don't know I need some support ladies i really need to get this toxicity out of my mind and body.. so any words of wisdom would help immensely. grazie. Ciao..
Sep 28 - 11AM
agent995
agent995's picture

6 days NC

I need to go more. I know. I did 15 and contacted. Was peeved at myself. But i have impulse issues.. i take an antidepressant but it doesn't really help when it comes to him. It is the Brainwashing i think from him. He used to get very pissy at me when i would call him out and he would threaten "I Will block yoru phone number and dump your email if you don't stop y,x and z. I am not a WHiney girl but i became that way. "oh don't i would say, lets keep it calm" but i realize he was threatening me just like he used to say "oh well if you won't do this for me I will just call someone else' I once said SO go ahead, call someone else. and he was dumbfounded like "what?" I hope you guys can ghelp me stay on track from this unhealthy thing i did to myself by sticking around. And now he won't contact me which has me crazy. Can you believe that?
Jan 6 - 8PM (Reply to #37)
stillnotsure
stillnotsure's picture

X y z

Sep 28 - 7PM (Reply to #36)
bedrtimes
bedrtimes's picture

its all in the power of their

its all in the power of their mind games. try to laugh at the future they will end up having. they will not treat anyone any differently. they always say its us but then they get involved with the next and it happens again. they will never be happy with anyone because there will always be something wrong with the next one. its not possible for them to hide their real selves forever. be happy your life will be stress free.
Sep 24 - 5PM
bedrtimes
bedrtimes's picture

well, today i called him out

well, today i called him out on another rash of lies that occurred thursday night. today he got mad and said "lets just end and dont ever call again" it so i said "ok bye liar". i have been trying to have him not call but like so many others were sucked back in by the toxicity of the N. i am truly hoping that this will be the first day of never hearing from him again. it took me four years to harden my heart toward him. it will probably take me another few just to find my suffocated soul. he is and always will be a liar, a cheater, and a whore. ive come to accept that. no one i know likes him at all. the only ones that play into his act are his family members. my family like him for a minute then i told them about the name calling and put downs and all the other abuse. ill keep you posted.
Sep 18 - 1AM
Elena
Elena's picture

He may try to use third parties for contact

Very interesting. After divorcing a narcissist, it's been now 2+ years, and suddenly his oldest sister who never liked me sent me an invitation to be her friend on Facebook! Unbelievable! I of course ignored her request, and refuse to connect with him or his family/close ones in any way. So beware, he may use third parties to prompt "contact" with you.