My exN was what I believe people would call a "stealth" abuser. He was very nice to me at first and I fell for him very quickly. He was a cocain addict, and my wishful thinking told me that he would stay clean and everything would be okay. Because of my low self-asteem and co-dependancy issues, once I had fallen for him, even though things started down-hill almost right away, I was determined to stay with him and "fix" him. oops.
The fact that this thinking is so common really irritates me in a way, because of course,I can hear how stupid it sounds when I say it. Its just that when you want something to work so much, you find a way to believe it will happen. I hoped against all hope, and did everything I knew to stand by him and help him.
His drugs weren't the only problem. Nope. To make it short, he was manipulative, passive-aggressive, UN-affecttionate, desired porno but not me, always playing the devil's advocate when I'de open up to him about something or someone,was totally indifferent to my pain, lied constantly, laughed at all the wrong times but none of the right ones, loved to mock me, everything, and i do mean EVERYTHING was always about him--even my dad's death which he used as another opportunity to be hurtful instead of supportive....Christmas--Oh boy, another sad story.
When he went out on his binges, he'd stay gone for days and not answer my calls or texts and I never knew where he went, and was so worried that "Maybe this time he has over-dosed and died?"
I will never, ever go through and put up with this kind of pain again from another man. I had to gradually discover over time, that this man really didn't care about me at all and had no concience. Its NOT because he was an addict. Trust me, there are many addicts who are good people, but this guy never had a heart or concience even when he was clean. He was cold, calculative, rude,sour, selfish, sarcastic, impatient, and used me as a security blanket and sounding board.
What kind of person would stay with this man? He wasnt always like this. This is not the side he showed me when I was falling for him.And I guess I didn't have a strong enough sense of self or love for life to leave him. Besides, part of me loved him BECAUSE he was so broken. The nurturing side of me wanted to take care of him, which he used to his advantage without remorse until the bitter end, when I had to be tough on him and push him away. It was very confusing. Looking back, I had alot of guilt over him that wasn't mine to carry.--guilt over his relapses, guilt when my feelings and trust toward him started to shut down after much emotional abuse from him, guilt over finally leaving him(even though I knew he didnt care for me).....I am over that stuff now, but I know Im not completely healed. Infact, I know I had issues before I even met him. I dont know how not to start falling for men fast, and have been that way all my life, but now am learning to back up when I see warning signs. I don't ever want to go through this again.