Profile Info

Age Range

30-40

My Story

I have recently made it through the divorce and custody settlement.
I am so glad to be OUT of that horrible marriage with the EXNH-psychopath.
He is a high-earner, super-educated, clean cut man.
He is in a respected position.
I am here to heal and to learn the best way to deal with this man with whom I share custody of two young children.
I communicate only via email with him, very minimal. In person I do not speak to him or make eye contact.

Here’s part of my story.

The Devalue and Discard happened long before I left. He didn’t discard me completely however, because I served his purposes. He is possibly a closeted homosexual in a respected profession and he wanted a cover. I was his “beard”. He married me. I had twins. I am their mother. To him I was: a Nanny for his children and the person who ran his house. And he wanted a punching bag. I served him. I was his unpaid employee. In the beginning he was the kindest man I had ever met. In the end when he was being “nice” he would gush about how wonderful I was – all sorts of various over-the-top compliments. They were hollow. I knew they were lies. He said that the hateful horrible things he screamed at me where said only in anger and therefore didn’t count and weren’t real. Yeah, right. So, he killed love LONG before I left.

I left him thinking he was a crazy asshole idiot and I never missed him. I thanked GOD that I was away from him and that he wasn’t in my space. I did miss him one time, for a moment, like 30 seconds, when he used a kind tone of voice – he SOUNDED like the nice guy he had been before he showed his Real Self.

Here are some of the reasons why I left.

He escalated. I’m not sure why. Because I was figuring it out? Because I was standing up for myself? Was he abusing substances? I’ve read that these people deteriorate and worsen with age?

He had ruined too many holidays, birthdays and vacations with his rages and selfish behaviors. He picked too many fights. Made too many crazy demands. Frightened me too many times. Endangered me too many times.

Life got so bad with him that it was hardly worth living. Every moment was a moment to survive. When he was away and the house was quiet – it was a time to rest up for the next round. I never knew when the next round would come, so I was always on edge. During the worse Christmas attack ever, it occurred to me that life before him had been good – so life after him would most likely be good. It was common sense. It was like a mathematical equation. That intellectual concept kept me going. He had brainwashed me to make me think that I was defective and incapable and sick and helpless and hopeless. That was his case. But he pushed me too far. If he had been a little bit kinder, he could have perhaps kept me for years – at least until the children were grown – and perhaps forever. But he made life intolerable. If life was intolerable with him, then what did I have to lose by leaving? So I started fighting back by preparing my exit. At first it was a theoretical escape – just as a secret act of defiance. He would act horrible to me and then I would take action in my own rescue attempt. I got my ducks in a row. It was my way of revenge. You punish me X amount = I do X amount of rescue effort for my soul.

I started telling people the truth about what was going on in my relationship. I had kept it a secret because I knew if I told my friends the truth, with friends like mine, and the strong woman I am, I would have to leave – because really, who would stay and put up with the insanity? I told friend A and she listened in horror and acted as therapist/advocate. I told friend B and she helped me find a lawyer. I told friend C and he loaned me money to finance my legal battle. I told friend D, E and F and they helped me move all my stuff into a storage unit. It went like that.

The children were finally getting old enough. Old enough to communicate important information and old enough to take care of themselves. He is such a horrible father that I felt I couldn’t leave sooner. He constantly did dangerous things to them and with them. He did it, I think, to control me. Who could leave a man, when his favorite threat was that he would take the children away from me? He started that right after my babies (twins) were born.

The excuses I had bought about why our marriage was so difficult and horrible started being hollow. There was always some Reason why it sucked. An entire marriage of Suck? - No thanks.

Circumstances put me in a situation where I was dealing with professional men who were authentic and kind and extremely respectful of me – my intellect and my beauty. I felt safe with these men, and the way they spoke to me and listened to me – made me see what an incredible Dweeb my husband was. This pattern kept repeating. My husband would reflect this horrible image of me back to me – and then I’d go out in the world and have a remarkably different experience. It changed me.

When circumstances allowed my mother to see, for the first time, the consistent abuse he delivered she told me : stop being brave. She said that my bravery was keeping me trapped. She told me to stop being hopeful. She said that the hope that it would turn out and that he would change kept me trapped.

I was looking ahead – I was approaching 40. Who was I going to choose to be for the next decade of my life? He got all of my 30s. Was he going to get my 40s? If he got my 40s, what would happen to me? I didn’t want him to get my 40s. I wanted 40 all to my self. I wanted to start the 2nd half of my life with Freedom and Hope and Courage.

He started making creepy and vague threats against my life. Finally, it became so sinister that I ran for my life. I took my children and left. I secretly moved out my stuff. I left him a note. I never went back.

Gender

Female

History

Member for

7 weeks 1 day