The vampire and the clock...

July 11, 2012 - 1:37pm — spinning

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.
--Carl Sandburg

The clock ticks so slowly it’s as if someone poured molasses over it. Time is the dark enemy and it refuses to loosen its grip on your heart. The maddening sound of the silent minutes as they creep by into another day and then dusk and then night make you wonder if you’ll simply go insane.

It’s been a three weeks now. Three weeks that feel like a year. A year of hell in three week’s time that you’ve spent...well, how? Twisted into knots with just one question on your mind: “Will I hear from him again?”

Why that’s such an important question is a bit of an intellectual mystery. You know what he is. You’re the one who’s not caving in this time and calling his lame, cowardly, seriously messed up ass to beg forgiveness for something you didn’t do wrong in the first place so why, why, why would you spend another minute worrying about whether or not you’ll ever hear from him again or what he’s doing or who he’s with?

He’s already stolen so much from you. Your dignity. Your strength. Your spirit. Your money. Your heart. Your soul. Your light. Chipped away at your core until your outer shell has become as fragile as antique glass—brittle, cloudy. You know everything you need to know about this so-called “soulmate.” You’ve searched and dissected every troubling behavior, every little glitch that has tugged at your brain since you started wondering why things had flip flopped so badly. You googled “silent treatment” and “marathon sex” and “abandoment issues” and made discoveries that help things make sense. You’re led to Lisa E. Scott’s ‘All About Him’ forum and you feel like you’ve landed at home. You read stories and posts and questions and responses and blogs and sharing and you feel a burst of strength. Validation at last! You’re not crazy! You’re glued to the site, where time doesn’t seem to tick by so slowly...where the time is well spent discovering the truth.

But you don’t like it. And so you don’t want to believe it. Maybe, just maybe, your disordered experience is a little different. Maybe, just maybe, you’re the one woman/man/person who can “love” the situation into something other than it is. You think if only he’ll come wandering back into my life things will be different...things will be good...it will show he’s changed, regardless of all the forum information that screams otherwise. You cling to that thought like a drowning man to a life raft. You float across the hours swaying up and down with the waves of hope and despair, hope and despair, despair and hurt and then hope again. Time ticks away. You’ve just handed over another 24 hours to the disordered freak who cut you to the core. You’re burning up more of your precious time on him. He’s not making you do that, either. He doesn’t even know or care that you’re giving him such a gift.

No, you and you alone are choosing it. You don’t feel like you are, you feel like you can’t help it. But you can and you know it, you just don’t want to because that means LETTING GO OF HIM.

So you sit in solitary confinement in a jail of your own making. Caged by over-wrought thoughts of the warden—the one you willingly hand over the key to. You hated how he controlled you throughout the so-called relationship, and a tiny part of you realizes you continue to hand over that control. You continue to give him your precious, precious time. No one else can change that. Only you can, but you’re so tired. It takes work to kick the thoughts out of your head, to handcuff the phantom soul-sucking shadow man and haul him out of the jail you’ve set up house in. As much as you hate and loathe the darkness—and the disordered one who shrouded you in it—it has become familiar. What lies ahead should you break free is uncertain, unknown, unpredictable, and most of all, may not include the torment and the tormentor...Is it worth the risk to just STOP thinking about him, him, him? Worth the leap of faith to just KICK THE SICK MO’ FO’ OUT OF YOUR HEAD? To disconnect the vampire from the clock and plug into the light?

You realize you’ve been acting like you’ve got piles and piles of time in front of you. You don’t think about the way we spend it so randomly; the way it marches on and pulls you into the aging process whether you want to go or not. Whether you’re aware or not. Whether you’re enjoying any of it or not. And you realize you simply are not enjoying it at all. Why are you so stuck then, wondering whether or not he’ll “hoover” you. You post the question and pretend that you’re loathing the prospect, but secretly you want an answer that will keep you stuck in all that bad time. You have a choice and you keep choosing the past...

But you KNOW you can’t stay stuck there...You witnessed your dad’s soul go off to heaven. You remember when he was 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 and it doesn’t seem possible that time swept you all through those years. Time flies, as they say, and you realize you’ve been absent for much of the trip.

You wake up at age 53 and can’t really quite say where the last six years have gone. You feel ripped off. Robbed. Conned. Duped. Cheated. Dumped on and dumped. It hurts and then it sucks and then it makes you want to destroy things. That’s when you realize there’s been enough destruction already, and you REFUSE to let him destroy any more of your precious, precious time. You REFUSE to devalue yourself any more by devaluing YOUR OWN precious time.

A little voice starts to whisper “if your life ended tomorrow would you really want to have the final moments spent pining and agonizing over someone who brought you to the gates of hell, shoved you in and then fanned the flames? If you only had one more hour to live would you really want to spend it focusing on the source of your pain? What about the source of your JOY? Where is that? Why not spend your precious time trying to find THAT again? It’s YOUR choice...”

From this moment forward you VOW with all the reverence of a monk to kick any thoughts of him out of your head each and every moment they try to invade. You’ll do it a million times a day if you have to because you REFUSE to give him one more minute of your life. You make a pact with yourself to start working the Six Steps, to start creating a NEW LIFE, doing whatever it takes to be free from pain and self-doubt; free from chaos and illusions. All the information is right there on the forum. You are not alone, you have guides the moment you step on The Path Forward. You look around at all the great things right in front of you and it’s like seeing them for the first time. Time to start living in the only moment you ever really have...NOW. Time to spend time clawing out of the jail and into the light...because you’re worth every second it takes to get there.

--------------------
Dear brothers and sisters on The Path Forward. Each and every moment we spend twisted up in the past is a moment lost to the darkness. I readily admit (as per the above) that making the choice to direct my energy in a way that would serve ME best was difficult and I had to make it on a moment by moment basis for a long time. I still have to consciously choose to focus on what’s good in my life and ways I can find inner-peace and joy, but it has gotten easier and easier and more automatic with each passing moment. The old cliché “life is short” is TRUE. We don’t have endless piles of time...time is a gift we get every day and none of us knows how much more of it lies ahead. Each day, even on the bad ones, I make the choice to REALLY TRY to spend the time I do have seeking self-knowledge, self-love, peace of mind and laughter. Accepting that the past is over and has no relevance to NOW, and then letting go, is the homework...it truly does change everything, and the light begins to shine.

Love,
(not) spinning. IT’S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF

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This might be it

November 12, 2012 - 8:08pm — NoMoreFreakBoy

Spinning,
Good Lord, I think this might be it...the words I needed so much tonight. I sit here crying. Crying over the feelings I am afraid to face. My self esteem is so poor, I feel if I was thinner, prettier, from his ethnic background, etc, that he would still want me. I want that validation from him. That he wants me and always loves me. And you are right, I am wasting precious time on someone who doesn't care or think of me at all. I am waiting for him to contact me. Even though when he contacted me the last few times, it did give me anxiety, well, he was giving me attention. But I sit here and think, what would I feel if he contacted me? I would get that initial high, that satisfaction that he still thinks of me. But then the anxiety would set in, and the what do I do now? The walking on eggshells. The constant state of wondering what was really going on. The constant feeling of knowing I was being deceived. Is that what I want?
So am I just going to sit here and let my life go by while I check the forum, check for emails or texts that will never arrive because I blocked him, check my horoscope and his horoscope for any hidden predictions that he will come back? This is abnormal behavior. I am worried about myself. I still can't forgive myself for cheating on my family. I saw on tv religious show, a preacher quoting the bible, and it was about sinners ( like me) , who will not be given everlasting life. So basically I thought, I am going to Hell. It was disturbing to me. My family doesn't deserve me. If they knew what I did behind their backs, they would be mortified. And then I thought, I deserve the N and his treatment, maybe that is my punishment for what I did, for my affair with him. I struggle with this and being forgiven and forgiving myself. I am lost.
But the time I am wasting I can't get back. Before the N, I had such a full life. Did a lot of things. I lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to judge a friend of mine who having affair. As if I was better then her because I never would. Now that I have done the same, I feel horrible about myself. How do I move on from this? How do I get exN out of my head? How so I find myself again? I have read so much here, I do therapy ( but I feel I need to explain NPD to her sometimes), I pray. Why am I not wanting to let go of something I never had? Why do I think still that he will have this epiphany that I am " the one", that I am the one who makes him stop his deceitful life because I am so great and the best he will ever have? Why have I been trying in vain to show him the wonderful person he has given up? He does not want me, he does not want me....how many times do I need to say this before I believe it? I have been on forum enough now that I should be past this right? I tell myself, and I feel it, that I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel about him anymore. I know it takes a long time to heal. And I do trust the advice given to me here. But I have a few weeks NC and then I feel I am strong enough to break NC? I am not thinking rationally. I come on the forum, I keep doing the same stupid mistakes, I get sympathy from members here who are trying to help. And then I revisit that small, but strong desire to remember the fake illusion. To think he can't be all that bad. I justify his actions that he was angry that I was married and that he was hurt because he couldn't have me 100%...but he thought I was happily married when he pursued me, so didn't he know what he was getting into? But after all this time I am analyzing and justifying his actions. And I think if I wasn't married, that I could be with exN and I kind of resent my H for that. I was thinking of divorcing my H last summer so I could be with exN. In my fantasy world it would have been so wonderful. But reality is exN didn't want me then, and he still doesn't want me now. He doesn't want a commitment. But I keep thinking, if he only knew what he gave up he would think I was " the one".
Sorry, I went off on a tangent, as usual. Thank you for your great blog.

Narcs don't age well

August 10, 2012 - 8:30pm — Ekahue

My husband is 64 and very upset that he is aging. So what does he do? Computer dating! I left him. At first he was all sorry. I received the usual flowers and balloon. Now I don't hear much. I think he's with someone but I am not checking. Don't want to give him the glory that I even care. It took me 34 years to throw in the towel. Narcs don't get better with age. They get worse. Much worse. If anyone out there even thinks they can hold it together until he "kicks the bucket" just forget it. Don't make the same mistake I did. Please...

Well said, NOT Spinning

August 3, 2012 - 4:41am — florence (not verified)

Straight to the nitty gritty as always - thanks. I love that Carl Sandburg quote and I think it's worth reciting it whenever those intrusive thoughts pop up. Time waits for no man or woman, Time is ours to choose what we do with it and post narc it is hard to see through the weird, intoxicating fog that saps all our energy, physical & mental - but it HAS to be done. I know it's a hoary old cliche,but life isn't a rehearsal. Facing up to our demons is painful - but like you say, it isn't anywhere near as bad as the constant gnawing dull ache of knowing you're in a totally CRAP situation, with someone who is wired up so wrong it defies belief, and who will NEVER care a jot about you in any way whatsoever. Thanks for this much needed boot up the preverbial bum. Flo xxx

Spinning...

July 15, 2012 - 10:10am — erika astrid

WOW!You always seem to have all the right words at the right time,thanks so much for your writing,its a great help for me today.At times I,m struggling too,don't we all at times?
I woke up at age 50,after 28 years,but I'm doing much better these days,thanks to you all!

Everything you say is true but

July 14, 2012 - 6:58pm — someday

I see my life in yours. I have been through so much the last five years. I lost My friends, my mother and finally my children. The last month since he cut me off i have set out to regain all of them back and I have. Still I'm suffering and thinking of him all the time. I still cry everyday. Look at me on a Saturday night chossing to be alone thinking of him, obsessing about him. I'm sick of myself. I know this is the best thing for me and mine. Yet here I'm crying like an idiot and wanting him back. For what? So that he can beat me and put me down again. It does not make sense. I don't understand myself. I should be happy he does not want anything to do with me. Yet here I'm thinking about the ultimate way to make this pain stop. But I can't. I keep trying to fake myself and pretend I'm fine, but it is not working. I only see one way out and it is not a good one. Please give me hope that someday soon I will feel better and I will not just want to end it all.

I WILL TRY

July 14, 2012 - 7:06pm — cdngemini

WOW, it's like we are on the same page tonight. I went into my garage this evening and thought........the pain could be gone tonight.
I too have tried to get my friends back, and I don't have parents, so I wish my mom was with me right now sitting beside me on the bed telling me that everything is going to be fine because I'm a good person and god knows that this too will pass. That July 14th will come and go to another day.

The problem is, I don't want another day of hurt - its like all the water inside my body is gone - yet more tears seem to fall.

Please stay on line with me - talk to me about your feelings....together we will see July 15th

okay - please stay on line

My pain sister

July 14, 2012 - 7:15pm — someday

I'm so sorry about your mother. I have not seen mine in three years because he did not allowed it. I miss her so. It is a really hard day for me today. I don't even understand why I choose to be by myself when I know it will end in me suffering like this. I'm afraid of myself and my own feelings right now. I want to call him so bad but dont because I know that he will only reject me. He is done with me and has thrown me away like I'm a piece of garbage after all I have done for him. On top of everything he is talking to our friends and playing the victim. the worse part is that some of them believe him eventhough they have been present for some of the humiliation I have endured from him. I don't get it and it makes it all the worse. I really feel like I don't want to fight the pain anymore.

STAY STRONG

July 14, 2012 - 7:23pm — cdngemini

Someday - please stay strong. Remember one thing, you can look in the mirror every single day and be proud of you. While the N's out there look at us because they don't have anything else.
I remember a message that Goldie wrote - reminding us that they chose us because we were the best. We were the best medicine for them. And even though it hurts that they threw us away, remember that.
I went into the fride for a glass of wine and while I sip it, I'm reading, and crying and reading..............

I am not going anywhere - please stay on line and talk to me.
WE can get through this - it sounds like a tough night for both of us but together we can get through it.

sending you a big hug
xo

We will get through tonight

July 14, 2012 - 7:36pm — someday

As I was reading your coment I started to feel bad for making you cry over me or my pain. Then I realized something wonderful. We can still feel for eachother. We can feel bonded by our pain and experiences and come to the rescue. We can still feel for our sisters in pain. Something they will never feel. i went and got a beer and I'm thinking of you. Please tell me your story.

Tonight - and the next night, I'm someday's friend :)

July 14, 2012 - 7:52pm — cdngemini

my story is probably like everyone's else you've read - I know each story I read, it's like I'm reading my own.

I met my N on line after a full year of being alone from my divorce (18 yr marriage). We chatted and found out we were both adopted and didn't have parents. So there was a deeper connection than most you meet. From there we chatted on the phone and then we finally met. It was 3 weeks before Christmas and because it was my first one alone, he invited me to his birth mothers house.
He was wonderful, charming and told me he loved me after 3 weeks. SOON, the small "I don't want to tell you what to do, however's" came. And then the first time he discarded me was June of last year. He said "you need to be fully divorced, get better and then we can see each other" 2 months later we were back together - and things were good except my gut kept telling me something wasn't right. Stupid me ignored the guy feelings.
October came and he moved in as he rented, a 10x10 room with no furniture, and 55K cc debt. I am not out for money so instead of seeing this as a red flag - I welcomed him in.
He only lived with me for 7 weeks as I got into his phone and noticed he was online chatting with women - so I threw him out, however there was a catch, I was pregnant. If I wasn't, I believe to ths day we wouldn't have saw each other again.
He lied to me about everything, and now being on the outside looking in all the times I wasn't sure about stuff is finally making sense. Hockey - bullshit - at a friends - bullshit. Not feeling well - bullshit;

I turned into a detective, I checked his phone all the time, fuck - I feel stupid looking back, but you have to know I loved this man.

We travelled together, we loved the same music etc........it's like our paths were what made us. I look at our photos and from last year to this - it's like he's aged 10 years. NOT KIDDING. This is catching up with him - he's sick all the time, he looks like he sold his soul to the devil.
He told me what to wear, told me what to say and not say, how to act - he never had sex with me, never kissed or hugged me unless I asked. Yet he was affectionate in bed - hugged in bed.............it's like we were friends, not partners.
So looking back do I miss him - maybe not - maybe I miss the dream of having a soul mate - having him with me 24.7. I miss him, but I don't miss HIM

I cry all the time - I actually hurt more over this than I did getting over my husband walking out as he found a waitress - hahaha - imagine that.

I know one day he will contact me - and I'm scared. FTR, I ended it - not him. While he was sleeping June 17th I went into his iphone and looked for 2 hours. OMG the porn sites, the online chatting, the emails, the websites - disgusting.
So I took the highroad and the next day just said :I don't think I'm the right girl for you: and he walked out.

He texted me last Monday saying he was sorry for not being the man I deserved, sorry that he failed me. That karma has lead him to where he is and he's living a dark path but that's all he knows. He's alone in this world and that's the way it is.

I cried as I read - I needed him to apologize yet I cried because I wanted to help him and I knew I couldn't

I'm scared he's going to reach out at a moment I will take him back........I'm so scared

cdngemini [and someday, later in this post is also for you]

August 29, 2012 - 9:28pm — cassia

...Yet another post where I feel I must have been involved with the same man as the poster! (Yes, I know this is par for the course, lol...)

"SOON, the small "I don't want to tell you what to do, however's" came. And then the first time he discarded me... he said "[you have issues, you need to...get better and then we can see each other" 2 months later we were back together - and things were good except my gut kept telling me something wasn't right. Stupid me ignored the gut feelings...now being on the outside looking in all the times I wasn't sure about stuff is finally making sense...
We loved the same music [,dance,] etc........it's like our paths were what made us. He...told me what to say and not say, how to act - he never had sex with me, never kissed or hugged me unless I asked. Yet he was affectionate in bed - hugged in bed.............it's like we were friends, not partners."

What freaks they are.

I'm new to the site and I see this convo between you & someday happened some weeks back now, but I really felt for you both when I read how you were feeling. I have been where you both were when you wrote these posts, and without my family I wouldn't like to say what might have happened. I really hope you're both in a better place since - although I know these feelings ebb and flow - and I send you both love and strength.

Hugs,

cassia : ))

you got it!

July 14, 2012 - 8:05pm — someday

I too was married for ten years before and that break up was nothing compared to this one. I allowed him to control everything in my life thinking that would make him happy. Never. Nothing could make this guy happy. Everything I said and did was wrong. The last time we fought he almost killed me. I was so tired of pretending to make him happy that when he got mad for no reason whatsoever I challenged him. He went nuts and nearly strangled me to unconsiousness. That is what does not make sense in my brain. How can I want some monster like that back in my life. As write this I feel a little better that he is out of my life, but I know that the pain will comeback and I will feel weak again. I'm really happy I found you tonight though. Nobody else would understand.

OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND...

July 14, 2012 - 8:11pm — cdngemini

Someday - my worst fear, he is going to re-surface. And to this day I believe he will stay away.

I read and read a million postings where they say "they always come back"

Why do I feel he wont - this is the longest we haven't spoken so that's why I feel this is the end of the end.

But I have to tell you, it's pretty bad when his own birth mother tells me "CL, you are way too good for him, get someone better"
"he's a liar and a cheat"

And yes, we found each other tonight. I haven't eaten in 3 days - and I just went to the cupboard and got a few chips - not good but at least it's something

Hello my friend ... Listen, u

July 17, 2012 - 8:42pm — Puppy

Hello my friend ... Listen, u must try and eat....i have been where u r right now and i ended up in hosp for 6 days...i swear i know how horrendous u feel, but u must try to pull it together...the day will come when u r sooo mad at how he wasted ur time .... I promise u my friend, u will be ok but u must eat even a little...please let me know how u r.....

Hi dear friend

July 16, 2012 - 8:11pm — someday

I was just thinking about you. I read our past post and they made me cry for us. I went to my therapy today and the Dr. recomended I star divorce procedings to progress forward. I'm terrified to do it and I'm not sure why. He is done with me so it would be the right thing. Why am I so affraid of the next step? Have you been eating and taking care of yourself? I'm doing all the right things, but still don't feel alright.

That's funny

July 14, 2012 - 8:31pm — someday

That is exsactly what his mother and father told me!
The food thing has to stop. You got to try to eat well to feel better. I know it does not seem worth it, but you do. I force myself to jog and eat even if I want to barf. Really you need to treat yourself well. Don't punish yourself anymore. If he is really done with you, he will not contact you again. I know that is scary. That's what I fear the most today. That he will not contact me anymore. I should be more significant than that. My sacrifice should mean more to him than that, but as I say that I know in my heart that it does not and that the best thing would be that he does not ever call me again becouse I will give in. There I admit it. I keep hopping he will, but I know he will not because after our last fight he knows I'm on to him and he cannot pretend to be a normal human being with me anymore. Seriously, we need to try to survive together I will be here for you and we will take turns giving eachother strength to go on. Let's hope they don't contact us eventhough we hope they will. I'm going to take a long shower now and try to get some sleep. We will make it tonight. Write me back and tell me what your plans are to get through the night.

Amazing....

July 13, 2012 - 6:45pm — erika astrid

WOW!I fully agree!!Great!!Thanks,this is really helpfull.
I am going through this all too.

Amazing post and oh so true.

July 13, 2012 - 12:55pm — Froglegs

Amazing post and oh so true. Thank you, (Not)Spinning. :)

Spinning (NOT)

July 13, 2012 - 12:03pm — shock and awe.some

Brilliant piece of observation. Something I will meditate on today. Time is the great deceiver but also the great healer.
depends on how we spend the coin. Brilliant analogy. Thank you oh wise one!

wow!

July 13, 2012 - 7:31am — Lovely1

This is great! Outlines everything that comes and goes from my mind. Love the comments below "Noone will love you more than me". That line is absolutley classic. Disturbing but classic. How can all these people be so similar...

My dear "not" spinning

July 12, 2012 - 1:59pm — Totally Stunned

That. Was. Incredible! Your writing is flawless as well as your insight into everyone's brain, thoughts, feelings. And then..you have this amazing ability to remind us once again on the realities of life. Of time. To spend our precious time on what we cherish. What brings us joy. NOT pain...joy! Thanks for writing this blog, your skills are something to be cherished and I am so very lucky to have you and this forum in my life. The silver lining from narc-hell.

Love you!

Wow.

July 11, 2012 - 7:47pm — wsh

Gutwrenching. Necessary. TRUTH.

"You witnessed your Dad's soul go off to heaven" made me sob like a baby. I spent a year watching my Dad die & in many ways it was one of the best years of my life because of our time together that year. And he's the one who told me "retire as soon as you can & PLAY - life is shorter than you think."

We must do this! Waste one more minute over HIM? NO. NO. NO.

Bless you (not) Spinning!

Beautiful!

July 11, 2012 - 7:15pm — WhiteSwan44

Extremely insightful and beautifully written. You are an inspiration! Thank you for the reminder that my life awaits me!

Thank you so much for another

July 11, 2012 - 7:02pm — Londonteacher

Thank you so much for another insightful, wise, and poignant post. I always find such solace and peace in every word you write.

(Not) spinning - excellent!

July 11, 2012 - 5:33pm — Jenna H

Excellent post - all of it is truth.

Speechless....

July 11, 2012 - 4:18pm — OneDay@aTime

But profoundly touched by your words and very GRATEFUL...

Letting go

July 11, 2012 - 3:24pm — abandonedandhurt

Im glad I read this today as I was feeling strong earlier but then the sadness swept in with no warning as it usually does. Comes on and I am wanting to cry again. 5 mos now. How much longer am I going to cry over a man who woke up next to me one day and threw me away like yesterdays garbage that same night? blindsided I was, never saw it coming. Begged pleaded and cried for him to not do this. We were getting married next month but he was gone so fast and on to the next one who he had been cheating on me with for at least 2 mos before he left me. How could I not know? I didnt know because I believed my whirlwind live affair with him was the real thing. He was so good at making it look and feel that way. He told me over and over no one will ever love me more than he does. Oh please Iet that NOT be true. I read the posts and understand what he is, and what I didnt have. I had an illusion? It was real for me. I did and God help me still do love him and miss him. Whats wrong with me? How can I love and miss someone who doesnt care a crap about me? Who only thinks about his new one, dotes on his new one, and is swooning her every minute of every day with text messages and dates like he did me. I read and read on here and I close my laptop and feel stronger and empowered. Then a few hours later I am sad and lonely and torturing myself with thoughts of him and her and how happy they are together. FB pics ( I dont look anymore) of them smiling and hugging everywhere. On the couch I helped him pick out. Her on his bike with my helmet on. So happy. And I am forgotten like I never existed for him at all. I had to contact him about a form to sign to get his name off of my sons car registration. I am no one to him. He wouldnt even meet me for 2 minutes to sign it. And tried to arrange my son giving it go OW 's friend! No way. Sick. I mailed it to him.
I do secretly wish he would contact me. There I said it. Sad but true. I am mad at myself feeling
it. Why would I want that lying cheater back? why do I want him to miss me? How can he just erase me so completely? Indenial said he will do the same to her and that does help me. Im not the first one and wont be the last. But then the tears, and doubt I read here is in my mind. What if she makes it work with him? I could if she can. Why did he tell her our probs and give her the chance to fix them instead of me? Because he didnt want me anymore for whatever reason. Thats so hard. He professed eternal love and went to great lengths to proove it.

Im better and then I am not. I say F you Narc and then I cry that he is gone from me. I say my life is mine to recreate and then I cry about my lonely world and bleak future. I talk bad about him to friends and then plead with God to send him back to me. Tortured. I am so very tortured. GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND HEART!

Hello GF

July 13, 2012 - 12:00pm — shock and awe.some

Reading your post makes me sad for you & pissed at him. But how can I get angry at a robot? I keep reminding myself that he was not human. Nothing in his soul but a giant vacuum. My son had a similar experience when his fiance called the wedding off 2 weeks prior. In hind sight he knows now this was the best thing for him. He dodged a bullet, a monster & a life of chaos & walking on eggshells. I truly hope you will begin to heal & love yourself again. See the truth & it will set you free. Love & hugs to u honey

oh, spinning.

July 11, 2012 - 3:01pm — d. talks

I'm at a loss for words. it's simply all right here. the obsession, the pain, the choice, the work. I struggle moving on, to my dismay. but your practical guidance on retraining my thoughts to what serves my growth has helped me so much. i have let my thoughts run wild lately, and I've been feeling restless and discontent. thank you for the lovely, gentle, and fundamental reminder that I must make the choice to love myself and grow every day by letting go. it's such a bonus to all of us here that you can deliver your insight with such beauty and clarity.

[I guess I'm never really at a loss for words. :) ]

love, d.t.

Tick,Tick,Tick!!! Love this..

July 11, 2012 - 2:34pm — Hunter

Tick,Tick,Tick!!!

Love this..

Hunter

spinning

July 11, 2012 - 2:25pm — Used

WONDERFUL..
TEAR PROVOKING...
AND SO TRUE....TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES...SO WE MUST LIVE IT TO THE HILT, BUT FOR US NOT FOR THEM...
LOVE TO YOU SPINNING.....

Beautiful.

July 11, 2012 - 1:50pm — Layla

(not)spinning, one of your many qualities that make you a truly beautiful woman is your bravery and courage exposing your vulnerable self to others in hopes of helping ease their own hurt.

Not many have this gift.

At true peace in my NOW,

love~ Layla

Bye...

July 11, 2012 - 4:14pm — LindsayM

Goodbye..... That is what you have to keep telling yourself goodbye..... He was never someone that treated you like a princess it was never going to be a fairytale ending..... He was the devil ( in a sense) and you were in **** and you were living in a nightmare the same nightmare over and over and over again. Is that how you would like to live your live no.... Yes there " might" of been happy times but let's be real here majority of the times you were living in a nightmare and wishing it was all a dream and he would be that prince so let's say goodbye to that so-called prince that never existed and hello to the nightmare to focus on that and keep remembering that over and over and over again. It isn't easy getting our hearts broken and it isn't easy thinking the man we thought was going to be the prince was never actually the prince we thought he was but hey we are much,much better off without them in the long run because who wants to live in a nightmare? Goodbye Narcs...

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