Why is NC so difficult even though I know he is no good for me?

June 10, 2012 - 9:31am — goldie

This is the nature of grief, loss, and change

We grieve endings whether they were good or bad, it is still going to be a big change for you, as well as a loss. The loss of what "should" have been, never was, the good and the bad. We grieve the death of the hope, fantasy, and illusion of what we wanted it to be.

We fear the unknown and often get comfortable with that which is familar and venturing into the newness and unknown may be challenging on many levels.

Just because a relationship had many hurtful components does not mean that there were not things about being with that person which brought you comfort. As awful as PD's are, in truth it was not all bad or we would not have been with them in the first place.

Letting go and moving on completely is a process and often it takes longer for the heart and the emotions to catch up with the head.

The thinking part of us can comprehend and reason that we are making the right choice, it is our hearts which need more time to heal and catch up with what our heads already know.

You are perfectly describing the dilemma which all of us struggle with and eventually face when making the decision to end it with a PD (going complete NC).

If it were a smooth easy transition and a cut and dry decision, we would just do it and make it without any inner turmoil.

This is tough to do. Ending any longterm relationship where we have a long history with the person. You know you are making the right decison, now you just need to be gentle with yourself while the emotional piece begins to kick in and join in with your rational thinking.

NC is the only way to end a relationship with a PD, any contact, generally keeps the fantasy, hope, and illusions alive.

Cut your losses and go through that initial discomfort, which eventually will end, and give yourself a chance at at peaceful and prosperous life.

God bless,
Goldie

For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly, http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

goldierocks@me.com

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Thank you for this

January 19, 2013 - 12:07am — pumpkinpie

"The thinking part of us can comprehend and reason that we are making the right choice, it is our hearts which need more time to heal and catch up with what our heads already know."

This is where I'm at. It makes sense. I wish there wasn't that lag but I know it's a phase that I have to work through.

You are absolutely right about NC. As hard as it must be to do, it is the fastest way to recover. I work in the same field as my exN and I never know when our paths will cross. I am at a point where I have no desire to associate with exN. Seeing him and hearing his blatant hoover attempts just make me feel sick and bring back memories of the abuse. I feel it's very counterproductive but it is the only option I have now. I am determined to grow from this experience though and I refuse to let him (or myself!) take me down again. Thanks to this site and all of the support, I believe I will find my way.

The Laundry list

September 29, 2012 - 10:32am — GenuineHeart (not verified)

I just got a letter today from my exN listing everything I ever did wrong in our whole 3 year relationship. By the end of the letter I was second guessing myself and thinking that maybe he had a point.

And that's why I'm on this site, cuz I know I'm not that evil.
Most of the things he listed were direct responses to his offenses, kicking him out 8 times, because I caught him in lies. Throwing out his grown daughter, because she refused to get dressed and off the couch. He always forgets his part in everything.

This sucks. Really struggling today.

Laundry list

September 29, 2012 - 2:56pm — jma1213

That is exactly why no contact is so very important! I am constantly reminding myself that he is sick. I read articles about ptsd and pathological relationships. I read blogs from lisa and surviving a narcissist i just keep reminding myself of all the great things i have to offer and i refuse to second guess myself!!!

so very new to this no contact

July 24, 2012 - 7:44pm — jma1213

so my ex keeps calling with dumb reasons. I have not answered any of his calls and for the past 30 years during our on again off again sick relationship i have always answered his calls. I think I am actually getting pleasure knowing he doesn't have a clue why for the first time i am not answering. He has ignored my calls in the past and been very mean and I guess he now knows how it feels to be ignored. our relationship ended due to his drug use and me being tired of being treated like shit! That is when i discovered your website and got all the answers i've been searching for all these sick and destructive years. I have never not gone back to him. since I was 14 it has always been him. Even when it wasn't him he was all I ever thought of. I still cant believe this is how I have spent the past thirty years of my life!!! Thank you Goldie for helping me finally get registered you are an angel to me!

He may be wondering why you

July 24, 2012 - 10:28pm — 1stnarcexp11

He may be wondering why you are suddenly M.I.A. since his narc brain figured you were forever on his hook. GOOD FOR YOU for not answering!! Let him wonder until he get his hooks into someone else. I think that may be when the contact stops (at least for awhile since many will pop up YEARS later). I could not imagine doing 30 yrs with a narc. God bless you for that. Like you had never NOT went back or accepted him back after he would vanish. I would try to move on but my thoughts would be on him even when I was D&D. It was a sick mess lol. I wish you the strength to stay strong and stick to NC. It is the ONLY way to break the horrid narc cycle.

I will let him keep wondering

July 24, 2012 - 10:44pm — jma1213

Thank you for your encouragement this has been a struggle for a very long time. I blamed it on his addiction to drugs but i started to realize he didnt treat me much different when he was sober and i always felt he had some type of mental health issue then someone suggested he was a narcissist and so many questions started to get answered. Im pretty emotionally raw right now but i know if i stay with all of you on this site i can get well. So thank you for taking the time to respond it means alot :)

You're welcome

July 25, 2012 - 11:05am — 1stnarcexp11

You're welcome! This site has been REALLY helpful. It showed me that what I was experiencing with my ex was NOT normal and that others were in the same (or worse) boats. Knowing we are not alone in this takes some of the sting away. Please do NOT contact him or respond when he tries to contact you. I know firsthand the fight it is to not do either but it's a must with these people. Coming here and reading all I can about NPD has taught me that my rationalizing and making excuses for his behavior was just prolonging my pain. I would never find my peace with him...ever. That is truth we all must come to in time. Though you are hurting now know that that too shall pass as long as you stay NC. I wish you the best. :-D

Not sure

July 24, 2012 - 8:38pm — jma1213

I am also new to this site and i am not sure how to post my story and whats going on so that i can receive feedback. I need support and someone to talk to

jma1213

July 25, 2012 - 11:16am — Used

If you go to your left you will see the share your story section...and lots more info....good luck.

Great post btw Goldie. Much

July 22, 2012 - 6:12am — 1stnarcexp11

Great post btw Goldie. Much needed!!

Goldie..so true

July 17, 2012 - 7:15pm — maui3375

I have been NC for over 2 months except for one phone call on my home phone because cell is blocked. But that being said that one phone call from him (wanting me to unblock my cell, which I did not do) started all the obsessive thoughts and IT all over again. I couldn't even sleep that night just laying there thinking about him. I can not cry any more I lost that emotion long ago, he took that from me. But NC still gives me peace that I have not had in 7 years. I no longer doubt my reality or my thoughts. I know looking back everything I accused him of was true. He would lie like no other.. and even though I knew it was a lie I would take him back. What a pitiful existence that was. I'm so happy to be free from the emotional abuse. I can smile and laugh again and actually be happy. It is truly a blessing going NCEA. If he calls one more time on my home phone I will change it. But I was firm and to the point when he called so I hope and pray it will be the last time I talk to him. Love and happiness to all and thanks to all the mods and beautiful members on this site.

theres a simple answer. We

July 9, 2012 - 7:41am — foolednolonger1

theres a simple answer. We are looking for closure, like all humans with a heart will do, but we are never going to get it from them

i see him as a serpent. if I go into the woods chances, are im going to step on that snake sooner or later, and it will bite me, fatally.

SO I TELL MYSELF EVERYDAY? " STAY OUT OF THE WOODS!"

Getting Over

June 26, 2012 - 3:48pm — Ladydb123

Yes getting over the good and sweet times is the hardest part of all. I resisted him in the very beginning because of all the red flags. He insisted that we remain friends and we did have some great times. I guess I was a challenge to him and he did his very best to seduce me into a relationship. I just couldn't take that risk of being hurt again. However he did use me on a number of occassions and when I felt that he was getting close to me I received the D&D.

thats what they do....use

July 17, 2012 - 3:20pm — baab

thats what they do....use people....they hunt the prey very carefully....we r host victims.....narcissists form relationships for their own gain.....they take as much as they can for as long as they can.....very empty sick soul-less beings......it takes a long time to forget, we were just an ego boost........we can only give others what is in us.......my narc was full of hurt and anger.....i hate him, but pity him too.....my feelings for him were incredibly strong...i am glad that i felt them, sad that they were wasted.....

Yeh my pity for him soothes

July 21, 2012 - 11:54pm — 1stnarcexp11

Yeh my pity for him soothes the envy and rage I sometimes feel at the fact that one day he will find the ideal supply and marry/have kids. If all his claims of success, looks, and phys. attributes are true then he will surely real one in. But she won't know the hell that awaits her once the facade fades.

It takes tooo long to try and forget the pain/lies/wasted time, etc.

My feelings for my N too were very strong but ONE SIDED. I have to face the truth that he lied from the onset. All I can do is move on and use this wasted time with him as a learning experience so I can avoid the narc landmine in the future.

Lovely times

June 24, 2012 - 6:53pm — sharlenemorgan

Lovely times were amazing..............Hard to get over those and I wonder if I will ever have it again. Will I ever experince such highs again? My gut told me from day 1 that he wasn't the one and I DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION. I pay attention now. Read all 3 books of fifty shades of Gray. Not helping.

Thank you Goldie. If there

June 13, 2012 - 11:31pm — bluegirl

Thank you Goldie. If there were absolutely NO good moments in the relationship, we would not have become addicted to it. It doesn't really matter if those moments were real to him, they were real to me.

Also, I was thinking about something. In a normal breakup there have been instances where we have remained friends, because it wasn't a passionate relationship to begin with. But in the cases where I loved, really loved him, there was no more contact, it was just over. That is another way they get us. Because in previous breakups we may have had no further contact, and it was obvious there would be no getting back together, we moved on. In a breakup with an N he initiates at the most unlikely and unexpected times, and it throws us off balance.

I read this the other day, in

June 12, 2012 - 1:24pm — Deidre99

I read this the other day, in that one thread. Excellent insight, and advice, goldie. NC is a blessing, when we give it a chance, indeed. Thank you for this.

Thank you Goldie for posting

June 10, 2012 - 4:46pm — chris53

Thank you Goldie for posting this messages,I needed this, I started missing all the good times I had with my Ex-Narc, my heart still have to catch up with what I had learned and realized everything was illusion and a lie with my Ex-Narc. I know I still a long way to go for a complete healing and the only way is NC. :-)

"It was just a dream" wasn't

July 21, 2012 - 11:59pm — 1stnarcexp11

"It was just a dream" wasn't it. I try HARD now to focus on the bad times so that I will NEVER, EVER allow my narc back. EVER. But as I type this my head says "don't do it girl", while my heart says "maybe just one...more...time. It was so real, wasn't it?!" It is an awful back and forth but I will prevail. I accept that it over, even if my heart is failing to catch up with that reality...

Thank you for this.I am

June 10, 2012 - 1:26pm — Bluefox30

Thank you for this.I am trying to keep up No Contact but this weekend has been tough. I cry about losing one of my best friends, some of the good times we had, my hopes, the broken promises, the future that never was and the way actions never matched words. Head knows I deserve better. Heart misses the endearing parts of him. But I will get there xx

U took the words out of my

July 22, 2012 - 12:02am — 1stnarcexp11

U took the words out of my head lol. It is that loss of what you spent so much time and emotions wishing for that hurts the most for me. I dreamed of all the good times we would have, places we would go, things we would experience. I wanted SO badly for them to actually occur. To know, really know, that they will NEVER happen (and he NEVER wanted them to happen with me) is KILLER!

Thank you,

June 10, 2012 - 10:54am — Reason2Believe

Goldie! I really needed this today. Not only am I dealing with the end of 7 years of Wanna Be ( and missing our summer activities routine today). , but my son who married last weekend is moving out this week with my granddaughter, who has lived with me since she was 3 months ...and is now almost 8 years old. This change is also so difficult for me, not to mention I will be living alone for the first time in my life. I've cried at least 5 times today and there is no end in sight to the water works!

In my head, I know that all of the changes are positives, but my heart is screaming losses. I will read your post over and over again, as it does clarify why I am feeling so down and out today.

Thank you,

Reason

Once again thanks Goldie

June 10, 2012 - 11:15pm — LindsayM

I remember when I was out of the relationship and he had left me for another woman and I kept thinking god I miss him so much I miss him so much I just want to call him and I want him back! I used to remember the good but ignored all of the bad stuff I forgot he was piece of **** who never ever respected me and made me miserable I just remembered the lovely times when he and I had those amazing times and we laughed and laughed and I ignored the times he went crazy and said Lindsay why don't you care about me when I didn't happen to pick up my phone because I was with my brother and he thought I didn't care about him and only cared about myself and shouldn't go out with my brother I should be sitting at home all day waiting for his phone call...... Forgetting about those times when he said Lindsay you will like it rough or else that is how women like it deal with it! I slowly realized ( it took awhile) that I do not want him back and breaking contact is not going to make anything better and yes he has hoovered but I ignored because I know better and I also know he is a piece of **** and he is never going to change and the woman he left me for isn't " lucky" and he hasn't changed for her either and if I think about it she isn't lucky either because she has to put up with that loser and anyone who has to put up with that loser is not lucky!

Exactly. My ex narc got mad

July 22, 2012 - 12:19am — 1stnarcexp11

Exactly. My ex narc got mad at me once when I did not promptly (and with great cheer) answer his call to me when my mom and aunt suddenly stopped by my apartment. He was LIVID. "Why didn't u answer the phone?!" "I called several times, what were you doing?!" "Who just stops by like that without announcing it?!" Now I think "REALLY?!" They are SOO into them that they can NEVER see anything/anyone else. #Pathetic

I do not feel envy really for the next gf/victim. He made offhand comments that showed how he used most women sexually. We are nothing more than holes. She will probably be lured in by the facade and empty promises like me and then...BAM!! It will ALL just vanish. There is nothing to be jealous of w/ that.

I only remember the highs too

July 13, 2012 - 8:05am — abandonedandhurt

My ex N left me for another woman too. 5 months later it is still so hard to believe, and accept. He told me I was the love of his life, showered me with love gifts attention and great sex. Bought me a very expensive engagement ring and countless other gifts over the 2 years we were together. All I remember and cry about is the highs, how great it was, how much I loved him and was looking forward to being his wife. I tend to forget that he started picking on me, diapproving of things, and accusing me of things I was not doing (like looking at other men). That he was constatntly telling me I was lucky to have him, and that other women wanted him, loads of them and that he was a good catch. That I would miss him when he was gone. Gone? Where are you going I said. Then out of the blue he picks a major fight with me and left me behind on a weekend away to a Police Chiefs conference at a hotel we had planned. He went anyway, and when he returned after the weekend we were done. He gave me a stockpiled list of "relationship mistakes" I made, and would not give me any opportunity to make good on them (I didn't do ANYTHING wrong I now realize), and he looked at me like I could have been anyone off of the street, not the love of his life he had proclaimed, and said he isn't changing his mind and its over. Just like that, switch off. I found out very soon after that He was cheating on me, and left me for her, and he is still with her 5 mos later. She is one of the women he told me wants him. So WHY oh WHY do I only remember the HIGHS and get sad and miss that piece of shit? What is wrong with me? I get so sad and worried that I will never feel that kind of love again. It was so wonderful when it was good, better than I ever thought possible with anyone. He was my knight in shining armor, but then turned into the prince of darkness.

I can relate.

April 1, 2013 - 4:04pm — LulaB

I know what you mean about it being hard to believe and accept. The emotional abuse and mind games have left us feeling depressed and our self-worth/esteem at an all time low. My NP also told me repeatedly that he was a "catch" and that all women wanted him. He has no problem attracting women, but he cannot sustain a successful relationship. Your NP will not be able to with his new victim long term, either. They DO not change/cannot change. I feel sorry for the next person my NP gets into a relationship with. My NP was married twice (the longest marriage only lasting 7 years) and would always tell me how much his ex-girlfriends were psychos and stalkers. He was addicted to porn sights featuring women in their young 20's. I am in my mid-40s, and he would send me links. I would feel so old and worthless after seeing this filth featuring younger women. Mine is also an alcoholic and pain med abuser. He sleeps until noon or one every day; as he has a trust fund/no need for the "king" to lift a finger. What I am trying to do now to get over this jerk is just imagine how horrible my life would be with him if I were to stay in the situation long term. I hope this may help you get over your "prince of darkness" because that is always what he will be...nothing more. You are not alone. I do miss the HIGHS, too, and the excitement, but remind myself of the torture and mind games when I start to have these thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

WOW! IF my ex narc and I

July 22, 2012 - 12:33am — 1stnarcexp11

WOW! IF my ex narc and I would have made it that far, I get chills thinking it would have went down just like your story! He actually gave you a breakup list?! Really?! My ex never said directly that I was lucky to be with him BUT he did say the following:

-My friends told me how lucky I am to have you

-My friend (who liked me apparently) will never be able to provide for or love you like me. I own a business...

-You see you got the best: most handsome, successful, etc. of all my friends...

-If you don't do this right this time then I will leave and turn my back forever. And you will be like you said: alone with cats....

WHAT A NARC!

WOW

July 22, 2012 - 5:50am — abandonedandhurt

Yes he actually gave me a list of things I did wrong, spoke to my kuds father too much, put my kids and everyone in front of him, that he gave and gave and I just took, that I bled him dry, didn't nurture him enough, and that now he had to leave me to save himself emotionally, fibancially, and physically. I cried every day for 5 months sometimes more than once a day believing that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and it was all my fault. I couldnt function, eat or sleep. And he let me suffer like that when he knew ALL along he had been cheating on me and left me for OW. He is still with her. I am still not over this. Im lonely sad and hurt even still, mixed with some anger.

I have never heard of a list

July 22, 2012 - 6:11am — 1stnarcexp11

I have never heard of a list like that being given. It boggles my mind. ESPECIALLY when he was doing all that narc bs! It just shows the depravity of these vampires. I gave my ex an ultimatum and he just walked away. I am sure he had supply already lined up as he would disappear whenever and continued to visit online site(s).

Glad to hear you are out. She will be his next victim though. TRUST. So please try and take solace in the fact that it may take a while but either she will see the shell of a man he is OR he will leave & find easier and greater supply elsewhere. That's why I do NOT envy the other women my ex is with. He usually discards them rather quick. THAT I do envy.

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