My exhnarc abused me in all ways. Physically at times, but certainly emotionally and psychologically. You are sucked in....and you forgive just like what someone said here. You are trying to do all you can to make your relationship work...especially if you have a child with him.

You take the blame often to quickly - because - a marriage is a two way street and it take two....right? Horseshit. It takes two to make it work, one to fuck it up. But we keep denying what we really see, feel, hear, understand until one day, we don't. In the thousands of actions, belittling, abuse, distancing, etc. we have put up with while we have been with him, one day, one thing...whatever that is becomes the tipping point. And we decide it is enough.

If you are "lucky"...maybe you have spent less years wasting time on him. No matter however, how long or short of a time you were with him, we forgive ourselves and commit to our own healing, loving ourselves and building a new life narc free.

I am no longer concerned what WB's behavioral problems or official diagnosis is...the distancing, the push- pull, fucking up plans and occasions, moodiness, crazy ass comments, etc. bothered me and caused me to feel hurt , pain and irritation. Can I say ABUSE? YES! He was abusive and now I am done. There, i said it. I WAS ABUSED. No more. End.

Thank you,

Reason

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck...

Thank you for reminding us that we are all victims.
That does't mean we have to remain that way for the rest of our lives here on earth. We can grow, change, heal.
Unlike these soulless bastards!
Abuse is abuse. It is just that simple,it really is!
Do not turn it inward, or worse yet, at each other here!!
This is a place of healing, not judging.

I leave you with that. As Franscesca says in Bridges of Madison County "Do what you have to be happy in this life,There is so much beauty...Go well, my children."

Thanks Goldie. That hit home for me. Unfortunatley, my exnarc was all that and more. He kept raising the bar and I kept accepting it.

Now when I look back at things I'd normally not accept I wonder what was it about him? What was it they got me hooked? What was it that allowed me to change my morals, scrupels, boundaries.......what the fuck was it? How in the heck fif he get this power over me?

Movingforward I am going to be aware. I am not falling for this again. I am listening to my gut, my instincts. Never again will I fall for this.

Thanks for sharing, it really opened my eyes.
mfn

I think people who say "I would never ..." forget that IN THE BEGINNING, the N doesn't tell you who he really is or what he really wants. At first they are very careful to reel you in, and sink the hook. It takes a long time to gather all the evidence, and information about mental disorders, and see what applys and what doesn't. By that time you are invested in the relationship, you think you love this person. If you are rational, you know you have to compromise in relationships. As far as boundaries go, they will constantly test the boundaries to see just how far they can push you. We are empathetic, we forgive "mistakes." We forgive too much. They take advantage of every hesitation, every waiver, enjoy every bit of the pain they inflict on us.
As far as the twisted outlook and desires go, we also make the mistake of comparing ourselves to the OW. I was offended that the man I thought I knew would be attracted to a woman who was so totally opposite of me -- someone who was willing and enthusiastic in fullfilling each and every twisted thing he wanted to do. It never occured to me that he didn't want either one of us for a relationship -- that all he wanted was his desire of the moment to be fullfilled, and he went to whoever was most likely to fullfill that desire. At the time, I thought he was still a normal man, who was flawed, and who had made a mistake. He seemed truly remourseful. I still believed in "us".
It is only when you realize you have been living a lie, sleeping with a stranger, dancing with the Devil, and YOUR LIFE WITH HIM WILL ONLY GET WORSE, that you can start the healing process and start moving toward recovery.
We don't know what we would NEVER do, until we are in the situation. We can only be grateful for having the strength to survive the ordeal we have been through, and the power to heal our wounds.

Yes, they do know the dealbreaker and some will use it eventually to test. Others will use it when they find new supply. It's like saying see what I can do...and there's nothing you can do about it.

They are all abusers no matter what their GAME is.

Thanks Goldie.