Why do we struggle with the notion that we were infiltrated in our own homes and hearts by evil? Why is this concept difficult to wrap the brain around? Why would we prefer to live in denial that they are even a PD? When we attempt to warn others they look at US like we are the one's with the problem. Why can't WE move on and stop trying to "cause trouble" for the him and his new supply? We are trained when bad things happen to let it go and move on. People do not want to hear about our unsavory mess. Just forget about it we are told. Get on with your life. You will find someone better.
All righty then.....The PD has you doubting yourself and then others imply that your wanting to warn them is dramatic. No one could be that bad. It takes two to tango.
I asked myself, what is my interpretation of bad? What do we collectively see as bad?
The boogie man. That is the first memory I have of someone bad. The boogie man is going to get you. He sounds bad, I recall thinking as a child, the boogie man sounds scary. The man who shot President Kennedy was bad. The Charles Manson Family were brainwashed by Manson so he was a bad person. The kids in the neighborhood in trouble with the police must be bad. People who intentionally hurt others are bad. That was my message. My father hurt us, is he bad? NO, your father is not bad, he is your father and he loves you. He does? Yes, all father's love their daughters. He is cruel to me. No, he does these things for your own good. He does? Yes, he has a lot on his plate, it is not easy being a father. What can you do to be a better daughter? I try as hard as I can, yet he seems angry most of the time. He is just hot tempered, he love's you with all of his heart. He does? Of course he does, what father would not love his daughter. I don't know, I guess you must be right. He hits me, tells me I am bad, and ignores me most of the time. Don't say such mean things about your father. Why not? It is disrespectful. Oh, I see, I will keep my mouth shut and be a good daughter. That is right, now you are getting it. So, fathers get a free pass? Yes. Why? Because they are your fathers and this is the way it is. Yes, yes, that makes sense now. That was the beginning of my cognative dissonance. What I saw as true and OTHERS perceptions and messages were a contradiction.
I went to 12 Step meetings and heard horrific stories regarding activities engaged in "while under the influence." Are they bad? No, they were sick and suffering at the time due to their addictions so they did not mean to do those things. They are sober now, so they are better. Oh, I get it, so those things do not count? Correct. How come some of them are sober now and still seem bad? They are still recovering, these things take time. Oh, I said, a free pass, they get a free pass. MORE cognative dissonance.
I went to church and was told that God's Love washes over all sin. What I said? God forgives all sin? So if you do something bad, then God doesn't mind anymore and you are good now. Only if you are willing to repent. Oh, so if you repent and then do it again, now what? You repent again silly. Oh, yes, I see, now I get it, you are no longer bad if you repent. Yes, that is it, they get a free pass, that is good, a free pass. MORE, cognative dissonance.
I looked at the school system and noticed some bad kids there. No, I was told, they are not bad, they have "issues" and are on medication and go to the Doctor and they will be just fine. They will, are you sure? Yes, all kids are good and you have to treat them all the same now, this is the law. So the bad kids get to torture the good kids and this is o.k? Yes, we have inclusion now and they are all the same. They are? So, my son can be bullied and you do not have a problem with this? No, we don't, afterall, it takes two to tango. Each kid needs to take responsiblity for their part. They do? Yes, no one is perfect. They all get a free pass, I get it now. More cognative dissonance.
I looked at the media and saw some bad people. Surely they are really bad. No, they are not, they did some bad things but now they are sorry. They made a public apology so now we must forgive them and forget about it. We must? Yes, we must, everyone deserves a second chance. They do? Yes, they see the errors of their ways now and they will never do it again. They won't? No, they are very sorry now. They are? Yes they are. They were just good people gone bad. I see, I get it now, we better give them a free pass. Yes, now you are getting it. Yes, I do get it, people are all basically good so we need to forgive them, give them more chances, and they will do better next time. Exactly, you are brilliant. Oh thank you, I try so hard to be understanding. MORE congative dissonance.
I was an empath in training. Born a senstive child and those traits in me were reinforced along my path. I am a good person, I told myself, good people go to heaven, they get along with others, and they look on the bright side of life and surely will be protected from "bad" people. Why would anyone bad want to hurt me; I am good.
Enters, the PD. My goodness you are a good person. Oh thank you PD. I have many problems and have been misunderstood my entire life, maybe you can help me. I am certain of it PD. I know all about helping people. We are all good, we all deserve a second chance, we all get free passes, and we ignore anything in our heads which is confusing or makes no sense. Excellent says the PD, you are amazing. I have never met anyone like you before, so loving, loyal, trusting, forgiving, and willing to take on a challenge like me. Oh PD, you make me blush, no one has ever said such wonderful things about me or knows me as well as you. I aim to please says the PD. I don't deserve your goodness. Yes, you do PD, everyone deserves goodness. WOW, says, PD, I am certain that I am falling in love with you, you are my soulmate, the love of my life, I want to spend my life with you, making you happy. I will never leave you or hurt you like anyone else ever did. You are my special little buttercup, flower, angel. Oh, PD are you serious, can this be real, I just want to pinch myself. It is real my love, you are safe now with big daddy PD. Oh, thank you God, my prayers have been answered. You are amazing PD. No, my little empath, it is you who are the amazing one.
Act one is over. Bravo, bravo, bravo. The applause is deafening. Encore, encore, encore. Could we please just stay in act one and forget about acts 2 and 3? No, we are going to take a brief intermission and be back later with your story.
Act 2, please insert YOUR STORY.
You now can do nothing right. PD has not exactly kept any of his promises. The cognative dissonance is moving full throttle, with no hope of understanding coming anytime soon. I think I need to get away from the PD. My mind is racing and I am confused. He really is a good person, right? No, he is a PD, he is not good and does not care about you. I know it seems that way, he loves me doesn't he? No he does not know how to love and will eventually destroy you. What if he is sorry and says he will never do it again? He will do it again, he is a PD, they do not change, they cannot change. Yes, he can, everyone can change if they try or want to. No, not him. Maybe we should go to church and he can repent. No, many PD's do go to church and it does not appear to change their behaviors at all. It doesn't, he seeems like he gets it now. He does? What is different? He was good for a week. A week a whole week and then what happened? He went back to the same as before. Can you see that he can't change? Maybe we should go to a therapist. Therapy does not work with a PD, they con their therapists. I know he did not like the last one, maybe we need to find one who specializes in PD's. No a therapist who specializes in PD will tell you that they only learn to better manipulate from therapy. What should I do, my life is a mess, yet, I have invested so much in him and do not want to lose him and begin again. I have never felt this way before and will try anything to make this work. You are not hearing me, PD's do not change, it is who and what they are. It is their personality. Their inner core. I don't know how to understand this. I have not been trained to understand this. I am an empath. I beleive in the basic goodness in people, that with enough love and attention everyone can change and do better. There must be some mistake here. I cannot wrap my brain around what you are saying. What are you saying? I am saying that he will bring you down and he will not give it a second thought. He will eventually discard you and leave you to pick up the pieces. Has he devalued you yet? Yes, he does that all the time. And you do not have a problem with this? I don't like it, he has already discarded me many times with OW and ST. This is o.k. for you? No of course it is not o.k. Then what is the problem? I just keep thinking that if there is any chance he may get better, I don't want to give up on him. Has he given up on you? I begin to cry. Why are you crying? Because I have been so busy thinking about the PD, that I forgot all about me.
I would now like you to get up and while looking into a mirror, say outloud, several times. "I am true to myself."
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