How do you get your "HEART" to understand?

April 30, 2012 - 8:24am — goldie

This is a great question, Janemarie.

Says it all for me. This is exactly what I struggled with as well. I got that he was a PD and highly disturbed. I got that I was used and sucked into his seedy world of sickness and manipulation. I got that he would never love me in a way which resembled anything healthy. I got that I could no longer consider him to be a part of my life on any level and that the relationship had been a farce.

Now what. I was still left with me. My heart, my feelings of love. What I felt was real regardless to what he felt. Just because he was playing me, hurting me, and the ultimate discard, STILL did not take away the fact that I had invested my time, life, and heart in him.

I tried the anger, hate, revenge, route. THAT did not work well for ME. I felt like the primary reason I was angry was because I was trying to find a way to GET RID of the tremendous hurt, pain, and longing for a DIFFERENT him feelings. I could only stay anger for a day or so and then I would go right back into my true real feelings.

This was a nightmare I thought. One day loving him and then the next day hating him, just so I would not have to feel the love anymore. THAT was way too painful and no way to live.

What I finally came to was: I did love him and I did not hate him. He is sick and this is NO reflection on ME. I did not cause or create this, it is him and it is what it is.

Acceptance.

I began to accept him for what he is and me for what I am. We are not the same; we are two different people. I no longer had to pretend that I did not once upon a time love him deeply.

The next thing which came to me as a natural result of acceptance, was:

Forgiveness.

I began to explore forgiveness of not only him for what he did and what he is, also me for having been sucked into this in the first place.

Believe it or not, it was easier to forgive him than myself. I felt the fool and my ego was bruised and I struggled with acceptance and forgiveness of myself more than anything else.

I am NOT the type of person who can go through my life with resentments and anger towards anyone for any length of time. It eats away at me and I don't like it. I need to find a way to put everything that happens to me in perspective so that I can move on from it.

The next thing that I found happening to me was forgiveness for my father. He was the chief culprit afterall. He was the one who set the stage in me for all the men who were to come after him. He taught me and trained me to settle for less and to allow myself to get into this, try to fix them, save them, cure them role.

I decided that I wanted to shed that role once and for all, basically that I wanted MYSELF back.

By accepting and forgiving my father, I was able to at LONG LAST realize that what my father did to me was NOT my fault and therefore what the N/P did was not my fault.

I was a sweet loving child who had a Dad who was sick and the damage done was something which I had been carrying with me my entire life.

The relationship with the Narc as bad as it was forced me to look hard and deep into MYSELF for the solutions and although this has not been an easy process, facing those old fears, in me, it has been a life changing for me.

I am not the same person I was before the Narc. I have a new understanding of myself and the world around me. I have taken off my rose colored glasses, become more real and balanced as a person. I no longer look to another to bring me hapiness. I fully grasp that our happiness comes from within ourselves and if someone else can share in this great and if not, it is o.k. and right to LET THEM GO.

I have Goldie back and perhaps for the first time in many years, since that little girl was turned into a people pleaser, caregiver, for people who never did or never will know how to love her as she loved them with her entire heart and soul.

I love this scene from the movie Adaptation. This is a dialog between the two main characters, twin brothers.

*Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.
Donald Kaufman: Whats up?
Charlie Kaufman: Thank you.
Donald Kaufman: For what?*

*Charles Stuart "Charlie" Kaufman

God bless,
Goldie

For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly, http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

goldie's blog
Login or register to post comments

Comments

Goldie, This speaks so

March 21, 2013 - 2:23pm — Angelina753

Goldie,
This speaks so clearly to me this afternoon .. What I felt was based on my own heart. It was real to me. I just chose a person who cannot love me. It was a second dupe in my life. The first was from my parents that I am not worthy of love. I hope someday to reclaim and reparent this lost girl who I buried inside myself. I have been working on acceptance for a while now. I accept that my childhood was abusive. I accept that I allowed another person to abuse me.. The struggle to forgive myself is the hardest.. I get the others are simply not able to love..
But I struggle with loving myself enough to let myself off the hook.. To let go of the need to punish myself.. Because without the pain I am afraid there is no me.. I see that pain the need to self sabotage has been my tool to stay alive for a long time..

Thanks Goldie

February 3, 2013 - 10:59am — Garden

This is where I am as well. Our lives have a lot of commonalities. People tell me to hate him or pretend he's dead, but that never works. I'm going to take this info and try it and just say to myself " I love/loved a disordered man" and deal with that truth.

Goldie

September 12, 2012 - 4:38pm — Radiolady

This blog post just made me cry. It defined exactly where I'm at. Logic tells me I have to let go and reclaim my heart, my self worth, my power to choose. NC is the only way to take ME back. But denying that I really loved him is a lie. There were moments when it seemed so real....hey, it was real on my side. No matter what kind of a paper cut-out he is.

The 18 inches between my head and my heart seem like miles. How hard was it to reach acceptance?

The heart isn't logical. I just wish I could get the process to move a little bit faster.

Thanks for this post....your honesty and vulnerability are truly awesome! (when I come back from vacation, I think I need a one on one)

Much Love,

wowzers!

August 17, 2012 - 6:54pm — wildfilly68

Thank you Goldie!

Like

June 16, 2012 - 5:26am — Lala

Really liked this post. For me, I'm new at this, I accept that he has a disorder which explains alot. I just can't figure out what the hell was wrong with me all these years. I should have ended it years ago. How could I let myself be treated like that? Get lured back in everytime? I fought the twisted behaviour with all my might but could never truely give up on my marriage untill a couple of weeks ago. I feel so ashamed.

wow thankyou goldie, u have

June 10, 2012 - 12:02am — foreverfun1

wow thankyou goldie, u have wisdom and insight that are a true gift. you made me like myself instead of being angry with myself (which was ruining my happiness)

Thank you!!

May 14, 2012 - 9:50am — bettawoman

Everything you just described in this post is exactly what I have been dealing..feeling..struggling with. Like you I discovered that my father groomed me to be a doormat as well. When I realized this I understood that I had to change things within myself so that I do not find myself in the same situation. Your words are validation that I am not crazy and I am not the only one....

HOW DO I GET MY HEART TO UNDERSTAND?

May 9, 2012 - 3:06pm — erika astrid

Hi Goldie,

Been there,done that!!I don't!!Our heart is something special,we can't control our heart.I think it's our soul,it's who we are,how we feel and it's hard to control.
I can't forgive my ex yet either,too much has happened and too much damage has been done.My ex crushed my heart litterally last september,it hurt sooo much,the pain is less now,but still there at times.
I still find it unbelievable how N's work/do /operate etc.
I just don't,and never will,get it,it's because we are just not like them,so we and our heart will NEVER understand.I think the pain will always be there at times,it will hurt at times,i.e we will experience it as such.I still love him at times,not all the time though.I will never understand my heart to be honest,or is this just a matter of time?
Is it just about feelings?I wonder!Would like to understand
all this,maybe you can explain this to me??How does our heart work?Is it a healingprocess?
Hope to hear from you.
Thanks for all your articles,they are a great help.

xx Erika

Forgiveness.....

May 8, 2012 - 10:20pm — sexy72

Forgiveness of my exN will never be part of my healing process, it is more important for me to forgive MYSELF...this part really really is about ME! That has been the hardest part after the initial shock of learning everything was a LIE! I will not forgive him for what he did to me and what he was planning on doing to me and my life! He is a Doctor...very educated...very cosmopolitan...he knows right from wrong and he knows exactly what he is doing even if he is ill! He knows that he lies and cheats, he knows what he is doing even if he doesn't know he is a NARC!!!!! He knows!!!!!! I will however I will continue to let go and continue to move on and contiune to LIVE for Me!!!!!!

Thank you, thank you,

May 8, 2012 - 9:28pm — Reason2Believe

thank you, Goldie! I cannot hate Wanna B, but I do hate what he has done and what I allowed him to do to me. I am not happy with the fact that I went back so many times, but I really felt each time that he had made progress. I cared deeply for him and accepted him for who he was. We had many good times, and for that, I am grateful.

I was sincere in my thoughts and actions. Those can't be taken from me. I am right now disappointed in myself that I put up with so much disrespect of my feelings and did not call him on many things-probably because I knew he would pull away again. So, I kept many feelings to myself.
That was wrong and I've learned from it.

One of my friends who is into Reiki, told me that I need to release him with love and light-to wish the best for him...and then let him go. I have not fully gotten there (I still have visions of running him over with a steamroller), but that will be my goal for dealing with him.

For me, the goal is to learn as much as I can from these 7 years and to NEVER repeat this type of relationship. NEVER.

Thank you for sharing your story and feelings. It certainly has helped me.

Reason

Your words soothe my heart

May 8, 2012 - 12:31am — lali876

Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts...I'm still trying to forgive myself..and love Me, as anoying as it might sound..I found out that I never knew how, and still figuring this one out.
Finding this website and all of you guys...and sharing our stories has helped me so much to get REAL, face the pain in a more construtive way and trying to drop it and let it go.
Hurts too much to know you belived you were at least once loved...and that perhaps as we all know that is not the case.

But the truth is that maybe...just maybe: "they came in to our lives to shakes you up, tear us apart , show us our obstacles and addictions, break our hearts and open them so new light can get in, make us so desperate and out of control that we have to transform our life" (quote from eat pray love)
God bless u all!♥

Very Real!

May 7, 2012 - 11:56am — petite7heaven

Thank-you Goldie for your post as it is very real and profound and so true as I can relate to your words.

This was my second encounter with a narc- 20 years later and so I am thank-ful I was not devastated and emtoinally beaten down where I needed major counselling as I did years ago! But, still the 2 years that I knew my exNarc this time left me with so many questions that (I realized the brainwashing was crazymaking to my psyche). I did fall in love with my ex Narc this time but got out twice (before he could discard me).

In my first relationship with my Narc I lost so much of dignity and self respect but this time I got to show him who he was dealing with.

I prayed about it and I realized that Yes it was all about him as he tried to decieve me and I am sure there are lots of things that I don`t know about as I doubt he was even faithful to me. Of course he wasn`t I believe.

What helped me get over him was that I said one day to myself`: This isn`t about him. This is about my dignity and self respect. I realized that I was given an opportunity to show that I am nobodies doormat anymore and I will not disrepsect myself.

He recently contacted me asking in so many words (too vulgar to mention) hopin the other day for a BOOTIE CALL. I told him flat out: NO ! I respect myself. I now have to get my number changed!

Goldie, I love what you wrote and including putting in the Adaptation dialogue.....That is so true the knowing that it is not all about them (NARCS) but rather they don`t have to change your behaviour. You can still love, be dignified and have your self repsect but walk away and not look back and know WHO YOU ARE and heal.

My first ex NARC abused me so badly, that to this day I know that it was the distance from my ex that helped me see the forest from the trees and I know this time round is no different as I begin again to see the devious seeds that a NARC plants.

Thank-you Goldie once again, as your post helped me connect with my heart and my humanity in finding my own forgiveness and true self! On the journey, Petite

Me too!

May 8, 2012 - 9:51pm — sexy72

I can relate too! This was my second Narc and ironically there birthday's at 18 days apart in the same year!!!! The are sooo much alike, yet different, but the cycle was the same with both of them. I also had a short four month relationship with a Narc, he was right before this last one and during that time I worked for a Narc Boss (female)....unreal...but since I have removed them all from my life and educated myself I notice so many of them (Narc's) all around me! But now I know how to protect myself and stay clear of them all!!!! Yay!!!

So difficult

May 6, 2012 - 11:03am — Rozzo100

I've read this post time and time again and it is really helping me. I am at a very early stage with all this and feel like I am still going crazy. Ive never been like this before with any man - I'm 43 - and I cant work out what he has done to my head!I finished with him cos I realised what he was and I so want to forget and move on, but I keep thinking of the wonderful early days and wondering whether I can get those back with him again!! Aaarrgghh - why is this so difficult!!

Because it just is

May 8, 2012 - 10:01pm — sexy72

It is because you have a heart and it is broken...you cannot rationalize what happened to you, because there is NO rationalization to it! I had to learn that...it's hard, but keep educating yourself, stay NC, read Lisa's books, Lisa and Goldie's Blog's and everyone else's. You could not have done anything different and expected a different outcome....that is what you will learn over time and as you work through it all...but NC truly is the key to getting over it...and of course working on YOU and going out and LIVING!!!! :) Hugs!

Really Beautiful

May 2, 2012 - 2:48pm — me

Lovely Prose of a Tough journey to a Higher Plane...Hope to see you there!

Spot on!

April 30, 2012 - 6:24pm — Movingforwardnow

Thanks Goldie. And thanks janemarie for asking the question. I can't wait to get there....get movingforwardnow back. Where'd she go? But on the other side of all this I will hopefully be wiser and healthier then before and it's thanks to this forum!

xoxoxox

Wow - this could be me...

April 30, 2012 - 3:19pm — FIGHTINGBACK

Thank you Goldie....this gives me such hope and encouragement. I am still at the love/hate stage with him and I feel sick every day worrying that he is going to find someone else, have a wonderful relationship and go "see it was her, she was the crazy one" when I know deep down that is not the case. I feel overwhelmed with jealousy and sadness because I couldn't fix him and now he moves on without a care.....

I know I will get there eventually. This is all so new and so raw for me.

I also need to forgive my father and the other man who sexually abused me as a young child....I did not cause it, just like I didn't cause the narc to be who his is (or isn't) and behave the way he has....

I am finding great advice on this site. Great solace and great compassion. Thank you for allowing me to know it was ok to love him with all my heart and soul and to try to accept that.

Wow

April 30, 2012 - 1:36pm — Pumpkin

Hi Goldie,
Wow, what you wrote was bang on. I am at the stage where I know I have to like me, just don't know how to do it all the time.
But the rest yes, accept what he is, accept what he's done and what he's capable of still doing. Going back and forth with hate/love. I'm am more at indifference. I can't see what I ever saw in him except that it was some sick need in me to fix him. And I now see that it was a continuation of my childhood, finding a man that was emotionally unavailable etc. I don't miss him, however I do miss the fantasy (for lack of a better word). Because now my life is all reality. I feel like I've been thrown into it and don't have the skills to deal with it all. Like I've had to catch up three decades in three years and I can't grow that much that fast. I still find myself withdrawing.
I come on here and read, it reminds me I've made progress, even if it isn't as fast as I would like. It reminds me to let it go, move on, forgive. For me (not necessarily others), forgiveness is the key to move on. I feel sad for him, really, how can I feel ongoing hate towards someone who is so dysfunctional? So I feel pity for him and his illness as I would anyone who is ill.
Just stuck on truly forgiving myself, and liking myself.
We all want to be special, to be loved. When you find out that it didn't exist it's a hard pill to swallow.
Thank you for your post Goldie, there is so much I can relate to.
"You are what you love, not what loves you."

User login

Recent Blogs

New Topics

Comments

Who's online

Online users