They certainly don't wither in pain like we do.
They feel fear, they may not find someone else to put up with their sorry ass and they contact us initially due to fear of abandonment. Once the dust settles and they regroup, because they feel nothing for us aside from their own contempt and fear of being alone, they begin to contemplate their next move.
The next thing they feel is rage. They are sweet with the hoovering during the abandonment stage and hostile towards you when they go into their preferred emotion which is anger. They prefer the rage because they feel in control while angry, they avoid fear at all cost. They will have sex with a tree stump to avoid the fear of being alone. Drugs, alcohol, porno, OW, whatever it takes to keep the fear at bay. They don't do intimacy and are afraid of their fear so they resort to "filler" behaviors to keep themselves feeling in control.
They analyze and assess whether or not you are worth additional effort, meaning are you even still good supply. You may be their cash cow, deviant sex buddy, place to live, ect... If none of those factors apply, they simply move on from you in their head and begin to think about WHO IS better at providing for them what they need and want.
They will get out their cell or go online and begin to contact either old supply who still has some potential or begin to seek out and preen new supply to fill your shoes. They do this automatically with absolutely NO THOUGHT of you and what they did to you or your feelings. They don't care how you are doing, and you will not hear from them at this point unless they want something from you.
This is WHY you see the cycles with the hoovering. You are being hoovered "in between" their efforts to secure other supply. If they hit the jackpot and OW takes them in, you don't hear from them. If OW becomes shitty supply for any reason, you hear from them. She is unavailable one night or she is getting demanding or questioning their behaviors.
Once they have secured new supply for ALL their needs you do not hear from them.
The problem for them lie's in the fact that we are all human and NOONE can be excellent supply 24/7, although I tired, lol. When other supply fails them for any reason, you get a hoover.
As their mask begins to fall we become suspicious and we ask questions not previously asked, we try to set boundaries because we now sense that something is off. We begin to feel uncomfortable with their behaviors and want answers.
THEY can immediately sense that we are on to them, so they begin the business of slowly tearing us down and placing the blame on us.
All of this is a smokescreen specifically designed to keep us off the track of their true nature.To create a cognitive dissonance in us where we begin to grow confused and vaguely uneasy with what they are telling us. Their ONLY thought is to have decent supply and they know from years of experience, THE ONLY way to keep you as decent supply is to get you off THEIR back and for you to begin to question YOUR actions and what YOU are doing wrong. They mirror back to you their defects of character. This way they can keep you off the track with what is wrong with THEM. Their NEW actions, create fear, doubt, and insecurity in you.
They tell you if you do not STOP this line of questioning and be GOOD, they will abandon YOU. They may outright say this or you may see it in their actions. ST, they go away for a few days, they don't call, they blow you off in either subtle ways or overt ways. All designed to create fear in you and to TRAIN you to BACK OFF and let them be. Narc speak: "I will do what I want when I want and no bitch is going to tell me what to do."
Basically this is the beginning of the abuse training for the abuse cycle. They act in unacceptable ways, you react and question, they deflect the issue back on to you, and create fear in you and place the blame on you.
At his point your head begins to spin. You are trying desperately to sort out WHAT IS going on. I thought this person loved me and wanted to be with me, that's what they have been telling me all along and they were so sweet.
WHO IS this new person? Why is he so angry with me? Why is he acting differently, He is acting like he doesn't like me anymore and is going to leave me. What did I do wrong. Why is he acting so strangely. I NEED ANSWERS!!!
What can I do to FIX THIS? Was it me? Have I done something to create this change? Maybe I should give in more to his wants and desires. Maybe I am not understanding him enough or trying hard enough.
He tells you flat out, stop with your bitching. I love you, I did nothing wrong. Or, I did it because of you and will never do it again, the message is still basically that, YOU are the problem. You make me this way.
You either comply with his request and shut up and try to do better or you tell him to GET OUT or he leaves.
During the separation period if even for a day or two. You miss him, you miss that initial person, you feel in love with and you don't want this to end.
He comes back and you "talk it out" he agree's to do better and you agree to do better.
He is delighted, he now has YOU off his back AND you are agreeing to more of his unreasonable demands. He is now getting that loan you were reluctant to give him AND you now have agreed to be more OPEN MINDED SEXUALLY. He is in the process of gaining complete control over your mind and your body.
HE now is getting even more out of you AND you have just shown him that by treating you badly he gets MORE not LESS.
It's a beautiful day in Narcville.
He does not change at all, none of HIS promises come true and now you are giving more than ever and a bit of your soul has been turned over to the devil because you have now agreed to things which make you uncomfortable with yourself.
This is the way the game is played and this is how and when the groundwork for the future patterns of the relationship are established. He is laying the track, building the foundation, conditioning you for future abuse, and compliance.
Eventually when he asks for money and sexual deviation, and you turn a blind eye to the OW you know he has. You now do and accept it because you fear losing him again and he knows this and PLAYS ON IT. You are trying to keep the PEACE.
YOU HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED TO COMPLY
You have now become GREAT supply in his eyes. Easy to control, easy to manipulate, easy to blame, easy to make you cry, you become depressed, you shut up. Whatever it takes to get YOU off his back is fine with him. This way he can do as he pleases with no interference from you.
The sun is shinning in Narcville.
You are spinning like a top most every day now. You don't know which end is up. You do know, if you call him on his shit he is going to give you even less because by now, he has stopped pretending to do things your way, his true self has emerged and you are having extreme difficulty absorbing what is going on and HOW you can change this and get it back to the way it was in the beginning.
Now, he has you where he wants you. You are insecure, willing to accept blame, trying harder to please him and he is in full control and his true colors are flying high. He rarely pretends to respect or care about you at this point.
You pull yourself together and you demand answers and change. He throws you a bone, a small concession and YOU think you are making progress, yet nothing changes.
The relationship never goes back to where it was in the beginning and becomes a roller coaster where you are looking for love and he is looking for control. He will say most anything at this point to keep you where he wants you. If the phony b.s. act works with you, then this is what you get. If degrading you and devaluing you, is what pushes your buttons, then that is what you get. At this point it is ALL about control and you get what he has conditioned you to accepts.
NOT a pretty place for you to be. So you begin to grow angry and retaliate, you grow silent and become ill, or you try even harder. We react the way we are already conditioned to react to stress from our prior life experience. This is when many "victims" take up drinking, drugs, food addiction, self injurious behaviors, go into a deep depression, try harder, it's a mixed bag and NONE of it is good for you, these are all avoidance techniques which WE use to avoid WAKING UP and getting away from our perpetrator. Some just plain give up and and when that happens they either go in for the kill to completely destroy you or they leave you because, NOW you are such a mess, which they created and don't care, that they find YOU to be lousy supply and they leave until you pull yourself together, without their help thank you, and when you are sitting pretty again they come back to soak you dry some more, IF YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO SO.
They DO NOT come back because they LOVE you; they come back to abuse you some more and TAKE from you. They may ACT differently for a short spell to suck you back in, yet, they ALWAYS revert back to their old behaviors and often worse because now they see you as a sucker, an easy mark, someone to use who will comply. NOTHING to do with LOVE here, not on this abuse buffet.
This can go on for years and some never make it off the ride. Sometimes they leave us and this triggers us to look at the cycle, other times the victim becomes ill and the N does not care and this triggers a wake up call. You desperately NEED a WAKE UP call at this point.
Sometimes the WAKE UP call is finding this site and we hope it is for you.
Regardless to what gets you here and to the point of recovery, you are here and the first Step is to Understand what was REALLY going on.
Not their version; not your fantasy version. The TRUTH of who they are and HOW they manipulated us into taking the blame, going against our value system, and putting up with unacceptable behaviors, all in the name of Love and the Fear of losing love.
They know you want LOVE and this is what they PREY on, that basic need in all of us to give love and to feel loved. They prey on your goodness, your sense of righteousness, and your desire to be good and do for others. WE empaths are sitting ducks for Narcissists, psychopaths, and predators. They are counting on us to act and react EXACTLY as we do. WE are their ideal prey.
So basically it is your very goodness which is ultimately destroying you and they do NOT CARE, it amuses them. And they most assuredly KNOW EXACTLY what they are doing the ENTIRE TIME. This was NO accident; you were targeted by a conman manipulator who is expert at what he does and knows WHO will play this game and WHO will not.
One of the most difficult aspects of these relationships with the disordered, is for US to fully see and fully comprehend, and fully accept that they are not capable of love, you were played by a professional manipulator, and it was all designed by them to get THEIR needs met. Yours were never important to them. You were simply a vehicle for them to use in order to thrive.
This was not your fault. You did not cause or create this. They do not change and the only solutions and chance at freedom from this bondage, is to get out and stay out.
The goal is to reclaim yourself and disengage from the codependency created by them and ACCEPTED by you, which keeps the illusion alive.
Trying to reason with them does not work because you are coming from two entirely different places.
They are coming from a place of self fulfillment, con, and self gratification and using you as a host; supply.
You are coming from a place of love, working on the relationship, and making things better.
These two ships are NEVER EVER going to meet in the night. It is not going to happen. One ship is heading for heaven and the other one is heading straight to hell.
One wants a good life together and the other one wants a life for himself, with people as his puppets and pawns.
Understanding it and eventual acceptance for what it is and what it is not, is KEY.
TOGETHER we can accomplish what we cannot accomplish alone.
Read the steps, read the blogs and post on the board when you are ready,, get a journal, get a therapist, sign up for a one on one, join the group for self awareness and support and begin the process of disengaging from this extremely toxic relationship which will ultimately do nothing but take you down.
For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly, http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie