Forgiving Ourselves

Sparrow's picture

We as empaths and or co-dependents, find ourselves forgiving others for everything. Always has it seems. The one person we have never forgiven is ourselves. We are so busy being the pleaser in life, validating ourselves through the wants and needs of others, making a difference in their lives, being the compassionate, loving, and understanding person that we are. We forgive. It's what we do. But we forget to forgive ourselves.

Through our journey to healing, we struggle with so many different feelings and emotions. We try to make sense of the emotionally brutal attack that we suffered by the hands of the NPD. We ask many questions, find most of the answers, but for some reason, are still at a loss. We can't seem to move any further and wonder why. The reason is because we have not forgiven ourselves.

Many here struggle with their identity. They no longer recognize themselves. The things that they have done for the disordered, all in the name of love, are things that they would have never done for anyone else. Whether it be to endure their punishment, being physically and emotionally abused or to beg and plead for their forgiveness, most of the time having absolutely no idea what you have done or why you are asking for it. We can look at the relationship and how we behaved and know in our hearts that somewhere during that time, we lost ourselves. Many here have succumbed to the deviantly sexual advances of the NPD. Finding ourselves doing things for them that we would have never imagined doing, ever in our lives. Things that we would have been shocked about if we had heard someone else speak about. We would have been appalled by these sexual scenarios. Most times identifying it with pornography. Yet, many have found themselves doing what they at one time thought to be unthinkable. All in the name of pleasing their narc. All in the name of love.

When we are attempting to recover, we discover many things about the disorder, about the affects of the disordered, how to maintain NC, how to come to indifference, how to come to acceptance, and how to learn to love ourselves again. But rarely do we come to forgive ourselves. We just don't know how. We are ashamed of the things that we have done, we are ashamed of who we have become, we are suffering not only the loss of the NPD, we are suffering the loss of ourselves.

In order to truly move forward in your journey to healing, and fully recover, you must forgive yourself. You will learn more about yourself in this journey than you have ever learned in your entire lifetime. You will have an understanding as to why you did the things you did, how you allowed these things to happen. And once you do, it is imperative that you forgive yourself. We forgive many because we are understanding, we forgive many because we are loving, we forgive many because we feel they deserve forgiveness. This applies to us as well, however we don't include ourselves. If we can understand others, love others enough, and find them deserving of forgiveness, than we should be able to include ourselves with the ones that need our forgiveness.

We need to forgive ourselves in order to find ourselves again.

Comments

Janie53's picture

Sparrow

You are one smart lady!
You are true!

xxxooo
Janie

Mitsy's picture

Forgiveness

A counselor recently told me that it was important for me to forgive myself for letting my former friend hurt me. This took a while for me to process as my response was that I had done nothing wrong to forgive myself for. He then told me that it was important to forgive myself for caring too much and allowing myself to be hurt multiple times by this person. He also said it was necessary to forgive this person in that they were/are also hurting (due to circumstances beyond me--that much I know is true). My friend is with an abusive man but lives in denial. That is hurt that I would wish upon no one. But since I'm now spending so little time with this person, it gives me a chance to have a better perspective about it all. I could not "fix" this friend. I could not fix any past dating relationships either. I'm not supposed to fix anyone & can only work on myself. It's a tough pill to swallow but it's true. We have to learn to forgive ourselves when we have acted in good faith but gotten kicked in the stomach (emotionally) afterwards. We also must keep in mind that karma eventually comes around, but we don't have to help it along. My prediction is that my former friend will eventually have NO friends in her life (if she has any right now) and her guy will eventually drop her (or she'll find out he's a liar and a cheat) & see that he's using her. Then, when she does need support, she will have burned those bridges she once had. She will be unable to blame anyone but herself but she's blaming everyone right now..which is why I'm no longer her friend.

Christine66's picture

I really needed this

Thank you so much, Sparrow, for your post! I have been (and continue to be) so unbelievably hard on myself for giving the exN chance after chance after chance with me, even though I had to go on anti-depressants to be able to tolerate the abuse he inflicted on me on a daily basis! I feel so incredibly stupid for wasting 15 months with him (and then several more after that trying to get over him -- why it has been so hard to get over such an a-hole I'll really never understand). I'm not a kid -- I'm 45 years old, and have been married and divorced twice. I keep beating myself up for sticking with this guy and tell myself all of the time "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER." If I had been in my early 20s when I was with this guy, I could have chalked it up to a lack of experience and could have more easily forgiven myself. But I feel stupid, stupid, stupid instead. I know I need to forgive myself to heal -- I just haven't figured out yet *how* to do that.

chris's picture

Healing takes time

Hi Christina, I know what you're going through. I had been in your place a few months ago and I know the pain too well. back in October I thought I was going crazy and blamed myself for eveything that went wrong with the Nac. at first I thought he was suffering a Biopolar disorder and I had felt sorry for him...uh Duh I realized he was not bipolar and he was a narcissist everything made sense to me what he put me through. after I had read Lisa E. Scott website and purchased her book " It's all about him" everything confirmed what I believed what my Nac was doing to me. I had realized he never loved me and I was a source supply to him. I was mentally abused by him and was alway confused by his Narcissistic treatment. I had alway thought it was alway about him and now I know it was all true. each day I am getting stronger and letting him go. I feel like I am finding myself again. each day you will get stronger and you will find yourself too and that day will come! :-)

Julie Ann's picture

Sure needed to read this

I am having a hard time forgiving myself. A mom should not be acting this way. But it is soooo hard to build your life back. I am going through the motions but my heart is truly not there. Still hurting. I am not contacting him anymore. But now he contacted me. That stirred up a bunch of junk again. Feels like I take one step forward and 2 steps back. But with Gods help I will make it.

Lucylu's picture

One day at a time...and I will read this everyday!! Thank u!

In order to truly move forward in your journey to healing, and fully recover, you must forgive yourself. You will learn more about yourself in this journey than you have ever learned in your entire lifetime. You will have an understanding as to why you did the things you did, how you allowed these things to happen. And once you do, it is imperative that you forgive yourself. We forgive many because we are understanding, we forgive many because we are loving, we forgive many because we feel they deserve forgiveness. This applies to us as well, however we don't include ourselves. If we can understand others, love others enough, and find them deserving of forgiveness, than we should be able to include ourselves with the ones that need our forgiveness.

We need to forgive ourselves in order to find ourselves again.

sharlenemorgan's picture

yes

Walking with you. Being a mom makes you guilty and crazy anyway so add in a narc well......makes you flipping out!

sexy72's picture

My thoughts too!

These have been my thoughts too! A Mom shouldn't be acting like ....and I won't do it ever again! I beat myself up about this all the time! I was one month NC on the 23rd and it has been hard to not say something to him this past week when I have had so much that has built up in me that I have to say to him! But then I remind myself of all the times I have explained things to him and he always twist my words and remembers things differently and has the nerve to say to me that I remember things wrong....whatever! That's when I remember why I can't and won't contact him!

sexy72's picture

Thank you soooo much!

Thank you soooo much for reminding us all of this very important part in our recovery. My therapist reminds me of this everytime I see her! I think I am having a harder time with this, because I cheated on my husband with the Narc! I don't know if I can ever forgive myself! Our relationship was not in a good place when I met Narc and he took advantage of that! He had me convinced of our future together, but thank God I still kept my guard up quite a bit on our third try, because that was the time he promised the most and when it ended it wasn't as hard as the first two times even though I knew him more! Maybe that is because I saw more of the real him in that time? My husband still does not know about the Narc, he just knew I was planning on moving to another city to find a new job and I was unhappy and didn't know why. I don't need to ruin his self esteem by what I did...he doesn't deserve that! My therapist agrees with me on that too! While I was with the Narc I put nothing into my marriage...nothing! I thought that my Narc was the man of my dreams with all the bells and whistles! Well of course he was, because he was and is and always will be a fake insecure FACADE! Where I went right in my relationship with the Narc, is I started testing him, I knew something was NOT right with him...to guard myself I told my Narc that I was finally in the process of divorcing my husband. I think that worried him more because I may meet another man or push him, so we kind of hovered in place and he didn't bring up my husband or where things were at ever! He knew I was looking for work in his city and kind of encouraged it, but didn't bring that up much either! During this time I actually started seeing my husband in a different light...he was the better man in everyway...even in bed! My Narc really wasn't that great in bed! (I read on here I think, that most Narcs aren't and they suffer from sleep problems...he has both issues...lol!) Why did I forget that? What's wrong with me? When I brought him up to my Narc, you could tell he was jealous, he really showed it the last time we saw eachother and the first times we spoke on the phone after the break up...he just had to put him down, by saying "Well I know I'm NO (hubbies name)!" blah, blah put downs that were pure jealousy! Six months later the Narc thinks I am divorced from my husband and miserable...but we are not! I want him to continue to think this forever so he leaves me alone and doesn't ruin my marriage! After I figured out that I was looking for what I already had and got caught up in a childhood crush, I started putting all my energy into healing myself and my marriage...my husband could tell I was back!!!! :) He started giving me the attention I needed because I gave him the attention he needed! WE ARE DOING GREAT! :) We are leaving for a winter getaway for two weeks in Cabo March 3rd to celebrate our 40th birthdays! I almost lost it all...now I work everyday to forgive myself for thinking the grass was green somewhere else...I am doing better than I had been with that and hopefully someday soon I will completely forgive myself! :)

Lucylu's picture

Hope you're loving Cabo right now!!

Cheers!!

davskiss's picture

Wonderful!

After reading your comment, I'm really happy that you had the courage to see the NARC for whom and what he really is, an ASS! My case was not so successful in the sense that I had kids and stayed with this looser for four years, I didn't see the light.

Thanks for your story; it makes me feel like there is a bright light at the end of a very dark and dank tunnel.

Laughs Last's picture

Good luck Sexy72!

Forgive yourself utterly and entirely. You, and we, are only human! EVERYONE makes mistakes, you wouldn't judge anyone else harshly for doing so, extend yourself the same courtesy! Look at yourself in the mirror, shrug and say to yourself "hey, I fucked up - wasn't the first time, won't be the last, but it's all good!" On my gravestone I want them to put on the back "Fuck me if I can't take a joke!" God bless!

sexy72's picture

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! You are so right we do judge ourselves way more than we should. God is the only one who should be judging anyone! I actually ask God to forgive me almost everyday and I ask for the strength to forgive myself too! I really think it helps! This website is so educating and the blogs and support is a Godsend! I am sooooo thankful to have found this website and all of you on here! God Bless you too and I hope someday we all can be "Laughs Last" along with you! :)

Phoenix2012's picture

A funny story about God. . .

Last year I went to confession and after i told the priest all the bad things I had done, he asked me if I had forgiven myself. I had not thought about it before, but I realized that I had not forgiven myself for anything. The priest was very kind, and he said "Who do you think you are? If God can forgive you, who are you to refuse to forgive yourself? Do you think you're better than God?" He said it all with a smile, but I got his point.

We all just have to find a way to realize our own value. We are ALL deserving of forgiveness.

Sparrow's words are amazing, and I am so thankful for them.

sharlenemorgan's picture

Thank You

Thank You for this blog.

Movingforwardnow's picture

Great Blog

Dear MFN,

I forgive me for my part in the relationship with N. I forgive me for allowing myself to believe I am insecure, unlovable, unattractive, and wrong in all my words and actions. I forgive myself for holding onto anger, hate and resentments towards N. I forgive me for losing myself in the r/s. I forgive me for the pain and suffering my children have endured because of the disordered freak. I forgive me for not standing up to my beliefs, morals and ethics.

I believe in forgiveness and it starts with forgiving ME!

With forgiveness,
MFN (always and forever)

fearlessfemale's picture

sweet bird

...thanks Sparrow. I will take all of your wise words to heart this weekend and truly find self-forgiveness. I am at a place now where I finally know I'm worth it and deserving of this.

Self-compassion and self-forgiveness go hand in hand.
This has been my lesson for the week along with the acceptance of who and what "crackhead" is.

Just moving right along on my path...it's getting easier and a little less painful the more I work ... and let me tell you...it's not easy work, but so rewarding the further I travel. It's good having those who have
traveled this path to show you the way...Thanks again.

-fefe

Redhead's picture

Yes Sparrow - great blog

Yes Sparrow - great blog

Hunter's picture

yippie.. Great first Blog..

yippie.. Great first Blog.. Great message..

Hunter