We as empaths and or co-dependents, find ourselves forgiving others for everything. Always has it seems. The one person we have never forgiven is ourselves. We are so busy being the pleaser in life, validating ourselves through the wants and needs of others, making a difference in their lives, being the compassionate, loving, and understanding person that we are. We forgive. It's what we do. But we forget to forgive ourselves.
Through our journey to healing, we struggle with so many different feelings and emotions. We try to make sense of the emotionally brutal attack that we suffered by the hands of the NPD. We ask many questions, find most of the answers, but for some reason, are still at a loss. We can't seem to move any further and wonder why. The reason is because we have not forgiven ourselves.
Many here struggle with their identity. They no longer recognize themselves. The things that they have done for the disordered, all in the name of love, are things that they would have never done for anyone else. Whether it be to endure their punishment, being physically and emotionally abused or to beg and plead for their forgiveness, most of the time having absolutely no idea what you have done or why you are asking for it. We can look at the relationship and how we behaved and know in our hearts that somewhere during that time, we lost ourselves. Many here have succumbed to the deviantly sexual advances of the NPD. Finding ourselves doing things for them that we would have never imagined doing, ever in our lives. Things that we would have been shocked about if we had heard someone else speak about. We would have been appalled by these sexual scenarios. Most times identifying it with pornography. Yet, many have found themselves doing what they at one time thought to be unthinkable. All in the name of pleasing their narc. All in the name of love.
When we are attempting to recover, we discover many things about the disorder, about the affects of the disordered, how to maintain NC, how to come to indifference, how to come to acceptance, and how to learn to love ourselves again. But rarely do we come to forgive ourselves. We just don't know how. We are ashamed of the things that we have done, we are ashamed of who we have become, we are suffering not only the loss of the NPD, we are suffering the loss of ourselves.
In order to truly move forward in your journey to healing, and fully recover, you must forgive yourself. You will learn more about yourself in this journey than you have ever learned in your entire lifetime. You will have an understanding as to why you did the things you did, how you allowed these things to happen. And once you do, it is imperative that you forgive yourself. We forgive many because we are understanding, we forgive many because we are loving, we forgive many because we feel they deserve forgiveness. This applies to us as well, however we don't include ourselves. If we can understand others, love others enough, and find them deserving of forgiveness, than we should be able to include ourselves with the ones that need our forgiveness.
We need to forgive ourselves in order to find ourselves again.