This post has been not only interesting but also a little confusing for me.

My N and I have quite an adventurous sex life (the politest way of putting it!!) but it really is all about him. The only time he will make an effort with me is if he's drunk or on drugs.

At the same time, I find myself looking after him day to day - cooking his meals, cleaning his clothes etc. So I'm a bit unsure about which I am.

he has also started watching porn while we have sec, which has been upsetting me greatly. Or course I haven't said anything though :(

My ex-N is now with a woman who is 35 and a virgin...and when I mean virgin, I mean in every sense of the word. She's religious and has saved herself for a long time.

This woman has only kissed one another man in her life and that was a couple of times (according to some journal entries of hers online (public ones), she's never participated in oral sex, as far as I know, seen a penis in person up front in a connection.

The "seen a penis up front" could be different now since she's with my ex-N and she might have seen him on webcam or in person recently (they are in a long distance relationship), but when I did find out about her, I found out about these details. She likes to coin herself "snow white," due to her lack of experiences, sexually.

What are your views on how narcs respond to virgins, especially older ones? Do they treat these women any differently? Will they value these women more than a woman who isn't a virgin?

Once he manages to get this woman to sleep with him, will he lose interest?

What kind of impression does a virgin make on a narcissist, usually?

I love the quote for the "good" and the "naughty" and being "fully evolved." Touche!! HIP HIP Hooray! Isn't that what its all about- Being with a good girl, someone who loves you inside and outside and likes to get naughty once in while between the sheets! That's what makes successful relationships. In monogamous relationships chemistry, sex and mutual attraction is essential or the relationship can not sustain itself.

After reading both your blog on this Lisa and the link you had in it, I think I was both to my Ex Narc! Is this possible with a Narc? I am the beauty and the brains girl with a double Masters Degree and he is a Chiropractor, who is five years older than me. I have had a crush on him since I was in grade school, but I just met him two years ago when I was 38 and he was 43. He has never been married and has no children. He has been with his girlfriend on and off (so he says) for about 17 years now and at the time he met me he told me it was like 11 years on and off and it wasn't going good and he was going to have her move out. He told me that night that she wasn't "The One" after I asked why he has never married her. He is still a very goregous man with thick medium blonde hair and sparkling baby blue eyes, he knows he is good looking too! We hit it off immediately and he got my number after we talked and hung out for five or six hours and ignored all the people each of us were in town with. He contacted me at 8 a.m. that Monday morning via email and worked on me to go out with him later that month, after I returned from a vacation. I had a bad feeling about him right away in my gut, the day after our first date, but I ignored it because he was my dream guy, my JFK Jr. my entire life! He turned into a jerk on the second date, and we didn't see eachother for six months after that, but he kept me on "the hook" because he knew I had had a crush on him since I was a kid. Then we went out again, and to be honest he made me feel like a hooker and I had drove 2 1/2 hours to visit him... but he had me hooked. I finally pushed him to make a choice about six weeks later. He said he and his girlfriend were going to try to work it out one last time. One month later he and I were talking again and a month after that we were seeing eachother again all the time! He told me, "you always knew we belonged together, why couldn't I see it? But now I do!" He was a new person! He contacted me all the time and made plans and kept them the majority of the time. We got very close, or close for him, not close the way I did in other relationships I have had. He wined and dined me in his home town and didn't hide me at all and in really nice resturants. He didn't bring up his girlfriend often, except to say that it wasn't going to work and that she had gained a lot of weight and that wasn't who he wanted to be seen with. She is an RN and Department Clinical Director at a large regional hospital. However she isn't the look he is going for these days I guess. She and I are the same age, and I finally saw a picture of her after we broke up and she looks at least ten years older than I do. I was very surprised by her looks. I think the stress of being with him has aged her terribly and he is why she has put on all the extra weight. I think she is his Madonna, but he didn't want to be seen with her anymore... at all and I was suppose to be his Sexy Freak, but then he found out I was both, because I am a Mom too and I talk about my daughter a lot. He told me after we ended things the first time that he had thought of me as being the mother of his children, and his girlfried couldn't have kids, and he wanted them still. After we started seeing eachother the last time he brought up the child thing quite often. Yet I was still his Sexy and Classy girl on the side, with a brain and a good family so he would go anywhere with me and tell me he would never be embarassed to be seen with me. I figured out that me having the strong family background like his girlfriend, and I cook and bake and am a very hands on Mom seemed to appeal to him. Yet I travel and go out and have a lot of fun too. So this is what he tried to start changing with me. He started judging me from a distance if I went out and said something about it. So I started adjusting my life around him and he knew it! He was getting control of me and moulding me into more of the Madonna girl and anytime I wasn't that way he would get upset with me and give me the silent treatment. One night I didn't conform perfectly to his plans and he said I embarassed him infront of his friends (obnoxious vulgar people who think they are something) because I had a couple drinks was giggley... he turned into a complete monster instantly! We drove to his friends house, where he was staying and he accused me of texting a guy while we were driving and I didn't text anyone. He was cold as ice, I started to cry and cry and he eventually pretended to be compassionate and calm me down. We joined his friend in the hot tub and everything seemed fine. We went to bed and it was like nothing was wrong. The next day he drove me to my Jeep and broke up with me as he dropped me off, but didn't say it like that. He started twisting my words and degrading me. He was a completely different person once again! He was on a roller coaster and dragging me on it! I have never seen him again. We almost got back together a few times over the following month. He played game after game and I noticed I didn't feel sad anymore. He called me at work one Friday, and I could tell he got jealous when I said I was going to the season opener Pro Football game that weekend. I do this most Sundays during the football season, before it was cool that I did, but this time he wrote me an email while I was at work ending it again. A week later his old girlfriend from high school (about 30 years ago), who was recently divorced and I knew he talked with sometimes, came up to me at a benefit and told me she was having sex with him, she didn't say it as PC as I just typed or very nice. She is a Narc herself and she looks terrible becaue she has led a party life. He would tell me that all her drinking and smoking had taken a toll on her and she was rough! I guess not to rough it turns out! This is why I think I turned into being more of the Madonna type to him, but at first he thought I was just going to be the Sexy Freak type to him. Thoughts?

Sorry so long, but I have never told my story on here yet, it's way longer and a bigger roller coaster than this and I haven't wanted to give it my energy! We broke up the middle of August, and I knew I would never take him back after the Ex told me about their hook up or hook ups the end of September, I think they may have happened when I was with him too. I will be one month NO CONTACT with him tomorrow, because I didn't answer his last degrading email! Another long story! But Yay for me!!!! lol

Don't they switch your roles during idealization and devaluation? Sometimes mine would treat me very well then other days he'd call me a bitch from hell.